Just as the BET Honors Awards show comes on, my cell rings. I start to ignore the shit, but I wanna get my dick wet. And I already know it’s a ho in need of some dick before I even reach over to grab it offa the end table. I glance at the number. It’s a private caller. “Yeah?”
Silence, then breathin’.
“Yo ,who the fuck is on the other end?” No one says shit. I end the call. My cell rings, again. This time it’s Cherry.
“I got your plane ticket,” she tells me. “You’re leaving out on Wednesday night, and coming back the following Monday.”
“Cool. I can’t wait,” I tell her. And I say that shit truthfully. It’s cold as fuck here! And, although I was just out there, a muhfucka could use some sunshine, and some more of that Cherry pie. Yo, on some real shit, a nigga’s really feelin’ her. She’s so unbothered by shit; doesn’t sweat the small stuff. And she’s always eager to please me. Hol’ up now, that still doesn’t mean she’s someone I’d wanna wife. But I gotta admit, Cherry holds a nigga down in and outta the bedroom. And she’s definitely who I’m considerin’ to bump up to the number one cock-ridin’ slot. The ho who gets this dick on demand—first, no questions asked.
“Me either. Are you all ready for your All-Star trip?”
“Yeah, I guess,” I say, takin’ a deep pull from my blunt. I exhale. She asks when I’m leavin’. “Next Thursday.”
“How many boxes of condoms are you bringing with you?”
“Two,” I tell her.
She laughs. “I should have known.”
“You know how I do, baby. Gotta keep my man wrapped.”
“I know that’s right,” she says, gigglin’. “Speaking of which, do you use them all the time?”
“No doubt. I don’t play that naked dick shit. You should know that by now. Wrap it up, and tap it up; that’s how I do mine, baby.”
“That’s good to know. But wouldn’t it be nice to be able to go raw in someone?”
I think, try to remember the last time I gave a ho this dick naked. My mind drifts back to the days down in my boy Red’s basement and all the bitches we fucked raw and how good that shit was. Then LaTonya’s nasty, skank-ass flashes in my head and a nigga frowns. She was the last bitch to get it naked, and the first—and last—bitch to give me an STD. “Nah, I’m good,” I say. “Broads can’t be trusted; when that pussy gets hot, they’ll get straight nasty wit’ it to make that thing pop.”
“That’s not true. All women aren’t like that. At least I’m not.”
“Well, okay, most of ’em, then.”
“Don’t you ever think about being with one woman?”
I sigh. Didn’t we already go over this the last time I was out there? What the fuck?! See. This is the shit I don’t like ’bout bitches. They wanna ask a muhfucka the same muthafuckin’ questions they done already asked, like the fuckin’ answer’s gonna change. “Nah, I don’t. Why?”
“I’m curious; that’s all. I asked you before, but you never gave me a straight answer.”
“I didn’t give you a straight answer ’bout what?”
“About how many women you’re sleeping with.”
I roll my eyes, shakin’ my head. “I thought I did.”
“I’m sure in your mind you thought you did.”
“I told you I had a few friends wettin’ this dick. How was that not answerin’ ya question?”
“Hmmph, okay. Well, now I want to know how many women did you sleep with last year?”
I frown. What the fuck is up wit’ her today? How the fuck I know? I don’ keep count. “I don’t know; a few.”
“A few like in three, or in five?”
I see she’s not gonna let this shit go ’til I give her what she wants. I take another long pull off my blunt. Hold it in my lungs, then slowly blow it out. For some reason, I close my eyes and start countin’ in my head. Cherry, one…Ramona, two…Electra, three… Akina, four…Falani, five…Lydia, six…Sherria, seven…Maleeka, eight…Crystal, nine…Vita, ten…Stephanie, eleven…Keisha, twelve… Lahney, thirteen…Tameka, fourteen…Ramona, fifteen…Nicole, sixteen… Carla, seventeen…Naomi…eighteen…Shalonda, nineteen… Damn, only nineteen. Fuck! I need to do better in oh-nine.
“If I told you fifty, would that change anything?”
“No, not at all. Like I said, I’m only curious.”
“Oh, aiight.”
“Well?”
“Well, what?”
She sucks her teeth. “Did you sleep with fifty women last year, or not?”
“Not.”
“Well, how many then?”
“Let’s just say over ten,” I tell her, decidin’ she doesn’t need to know the exact number.
“And out of all of those you’ve slept with, were there any who you considered being exclusive with?” I tell her no. Ask her why. “Do you think you might be addicted to sex?”
“Hell no, baby,” I say, laughin’. “Sex is addicted to me. It won’t leave me the fuck alone. E’ery time I turn ’round, it’s yankin’ my damn dick.”
She laughs. “OhmyGod, you’re a hot mess. But seriously, do you think you might be?”
“Nah, I’m not. Pussy isn’t the only thing I think ’bout. It’s one of the things, but not the only thing.”
“Okay, then answer me this. What’s the longest you’ve gone without having sex? And that includes getting head.”
Damn! Is this broad serious? Okay, okay, she got me. I love to fuck and be sucked. Does that make me some kinda addict? Hell no. I ain’t consumed by the shit, feel me? I try to remember the longest I’ve gone wit’out gettin’ this dick wet. “Does masturbation count?” I ask.
“Yes,” she says.
“What about usin’ sex dolls?”
She laughs. “No sex, silly, means no sex. No fucking, no sucking, no cumming. Nothing.”
“Well, shit, if that’s the case, I plead the Fifth,” I say, laughin’ wit’ her.
“Exactly what I thought.”
Since she wants to play Twenty Questions, I decide to flip the script and ask her the same shit. “What ’bout you? How many dicks you ride down on last year?”
“One,” she answers.
“One other besides mine?”
“No. One as in only yours.”
“Oh, word? Why?”
“Because sexually, you’ve been all the man I’ve needed. Besides, it’s too risky out here. God forbid, I ever catch something. I need to know exactly who I need to confront. I don’t want to be running around trying to figure out or guess who gave me shit. My body, my pussy, I have to be responsible for. Not you or anyone else. But it would be nice to one day be able to give myself to a man without using condoms; to be able to feel him cum deep inside of me and him feel my warm wetness all over him. Sometimes I fantasize about that someone being you, but then I laugh, knowin’ that’s the craziest shit to entertain.”
“Why you say that? Anything’s possible.”
She laughs. “Alley Cat, please. I might be many things, but I will never be delusional. You know like I do that you’re the type of man who is always going to want, maybe need, multiple partners. And unfortunately, there’s not going to be too many women who are going to accept that for what it is. At some point, they are going to want more from you. And get frustrated when they can’t have it.”
That’s their problem, not mine, I think, chucklin’. “Damn, you got a muhfucka all figured out, huh? Are you speakin’ for ya’self?”
“Not at all. I know there will never be a shortage of pussy for you. And I’m not bothered or concerned about it.”
I ask, jokin’ly, “So tell me, pretty baby. Are you addicted to the sex or to me?”
“Neither,” she says, laughin’
I laugh wit’ her. “Yeah, right, don’t front.”
“Let’s just say you’re my guilty pleasure. I’m very clear on our arrangement. Like I told you before, it works for me because it’s what I want for now. Everything I do for you, and with you, is because I want to. Not because I need to. The minute this thing we got goin’ on no longer works for me, then I will walk away. And you can do the same. No hard feelings.”
Outta nowhere I say, “Not if you have my baby.” I’m not sure if the trees got me talkin’ sideways, or if it’s the fact that I’ve been kinda thinkin’ ’bout her proposition; sorta wonderin’ what my seed would look like; tryna imagine what kinda father I’d be. I never really gave havin’ kids much thought ’til she asked me to give her one.
“Excuse me? OhmyGod, did you say what I think you said?”
Silence. Damn, nigga, what the fuck you thinkin’? Ya ass is buggin’, for real. I knew I shouldna bought my smoke from that nigga, Storm. He probably got my shit dusted out; got a muhfucka talkin’ crazy ’n shit.
“Alley Cat?”
“Yeah, wassup?”
“Repeat what you just said to me.”
“I’m sayin’, yo…there’s no way you gonna bounce, if we have a child together.”
“So does that mean you’re considering it?”
“It means I’ve been givin’ it some thought. We can talk more
’bout it when I get out there.”
“That works for me. Listen, I gotta get ready to drive out to Santa Monica to meet with a client. Have a great time in Phoenix. And try not to give out too much of that good stuff while you’re out.”
“Thanks, babe. Don’t worry. I’ma have enough nut for you when I get back.”
“Mmmmm, you promise?”
“No doubt. You know this dick comes fully loaded, baby.” Wit’out thinkin’, I slide my hand down into my boxer briefs and start playin’ wit’ my shit. E’ery time I talk to her, she bricks this dick.
“And I can’t wait for you to get here to unload it all over my pussy, ass and face.”
“I got you, baby,” I tell her, strokin’ my dick ’til it thickens. She got me wantin’ to bust a nut. “Yo, keep that pussy tight for me.”
“Always, baby.”
I smile. “What’s my name?”
She sucks her teeth, laughin’. “Daddy Long Stroke.”
I deepen my strokes. “Say that shit like you mean it, Cherry.”
She moans. “Daaaaaaaddy Loooooooong Strrrrrrrrrrrroke.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout. Don’t forget that shit either.”
“Bye, Alley Cat.”
“Bye, baby. You be safe out there.”
“You, too,” she says. “Call me when you get back.”
“No doubt.” We disconnect. I set my cell up on the counter. Spit in my hand, then yank a hot one out right here in the middle of my kitchen floor.
When I’m done spittin’ my nut, I walk over to the kitchen sink and wash my hands. I take the paper towel I use to dry my hands and wipe up the floor, then toss it in the garbage. The weed and poppin’ that nut got a muhfucka hungry as hell, I think, openin’ the ’fridge and pullin’ out a pack of four veggie patties. I place ’em in a pan wit’ some olive oil, then let ’em brown. I pick up my cell and decide to hit Pops up. “Hey, old man,” I say the minute he answers. “How you?”
“Good,” he says. “Where you been? I haven’t seen you in a while.”
“I’ve been kinda layin’ low, feel me?”
He chuckles. “Woman drama, hunh?”
“Never that. I don’t entertain that mess. Why you say that, though?”
“You haven’t been around, so I kinda figured that’s what it was. On top of the fact you got these gals coming here looking for you.”
“Man, them broads are crazy.”
“They’re only as crazy as you make ’em. And it looks like you done drove a few of ’em over the edge.”
“Man, they were already there. All I did was stop givin’ ’em their dose of dick.”
“Shit,” he says, laughin’. “And now they got you ducking ’em. There was a time I couldn’t get rid of you; now I hardly see you.”
I laugh. “Hey. You threw me out, remember?”
“Yeah, fool, but I didn’t tell ya ass to stop coming by.”
“You right, man.” He tells me ’bout Akina comin’ to the house twice lookin’ for me and how she apologized to him. “Yeah, she told me that.”
“That gal seems to really care about you.”
I huff, flippin’ my patties over. “Well, she had a fine way of showin’ it.”
“Look, son, you know I try to stay outta ya business. And you know I’m not gonna take sides, but she told me what happened. And she was hurt by what you did. I’m not sayin’ she was right for what she did, but you gotta take some of that blame, too. Ya’ll both were wrong.”
I bite my bottom lip. Think before I speak to keep from snappin’. “Yo, that shit’s over wit’, man. It is what it is. I ain’t beat for her. I told her to stop comin’ by there. Speakin’ of which, that nut Sherria hasn’t been by there, has she?”
“No. But that other gal has.”
“Who?”
“The one who claims you knocked her up.”
I suck my teeth, sighin’. “What’d you tell that nut?”
“I told her I’d let you know she was looking for you when I spoke to you, and for her to stop coming over here.”
I shake my head, thinkin’ I’m haveta take out a restrainin’ order on her ass, too. “Yo, that chick is real extra wit’ hers. Let me get off this phone. I’ma try to come through to check you out before I leave for Phoenix in a few days, aiight?”
“Phoenix? What’s out there?”
“All-Star Weekend,” I tell him, puttin’ my patties on a plate, then sittin’ at the counter. I dig in.
“Oh, that’s right. How long you gonna be out there?”
“’Bout a week.”
“Oh, aiight. Well, you be safe out there.”
“Always,” I tell him before endin’ the call. I scroll through my address book, then hit Ramona’s ass up. Her shit’s disconnected. I’m not ’bout to let these crazy bitches stress a muhfucka out, I think, sparkin’ another blunt. I hit up Maleeka. “Yo, what’s good, baby?” I ask the minute she answers.
“Shit. Chillin’. What’s up with you?”
“Tryna fuck, baby. You feel like wettin’ this dick?”
“When?”
“Now,” I tell her, puffin’.
“You smokin’, nigga?”
“You already know.”
“I shoulda known, with ya fiend ass.”
“Yeah, aiight. I gotta fiend for that ass, aiight.”
“Then bring it on, nigga.”
“See you in an hour,” I say, laughin’. I finish up my blunt, then head upstairs to hit the shower. The minute I step under the showerhead, I hear Cherry’s voice. Are you addicted to sex? “Hell, no,” I say out loud. “Like I said, sex is addicted to me!”