Parker woke up feeling better than he had in years. He lay in bed for a moment, trying to remember why. Then it all came back to him. Erin, making love, the glow-in-the-dark condoms. He sat up and grinned. Hot damn, it felt good to be alive.
He threw back the covers and stood up. Plastic packets crinkled under his feet. He glanced down and saw small squares of brightly colored protection scattered on the rug. The empty box sat overturned by the nightstand. One of them must have kicked it off while they’d been otherwise occupied.
He grabbed the box, then started collecting the condoms. As he did, images from the previous night flashed through his brain. Erin smiling, Erin flushed and wide-eyed with passion, Erin gasping his name, Erin touching him…everywhere.
He knew his sense of well-being didn’t just come from the release provided by sex. It came from the intimacy, the connection between a man and a woman. They weren’t strangers anymore. They’d trusted each other enough to share something fundamental. Trust. He shook his head. He didn’t have faith in a lot of people and fewer still trusted him. As he picked up the last couple of condoms he wondered if he should warn Erin away. He hadn’t done well by the women in his life. Robin and Stacey were both proof of that.
“This is different,” he said aloud. It was different because Erin was strong. She didn’t need him the way the other two had. They had enjoyed each other as adults, but it hadn’t been about being in love. As long as they were friends, everything would be fine.
That decided, he put the box in the top drawer of the nightstand then headed for the shower. As he lathered soap, he started thinking about the program that was giving him so much trouble. If he didn’t get an answer soon, he was going to have to scrap the whole thing. He hated to; he’d already invested hundreds of hours. But he couldn’t afford to-
He paused in the middle of rinsing shampoo from his hair. Equations and computer codes filtered through his half-formed thoughts. A whisper of excitement rippled through him. Maybe he’d been going at the problem all wrong. Maybe there was another way.
By the time he’d dressed, he’d found the answer. He jogged to the end of the hall and sat in front of his computer. Within minutes, he had the program up and was trying his new solution.
He vaguely heard Kiki come to the door and ask him a question. He waved her away.
“It’s going to be one of those days,” he heard her say.
“One of what days?” Christie asked.
“Your father is working. He’s found the solution to his programming problem. Now come along with me. We need to give him plenty of quiet today. Maybe we’ll go into town for lunch.”
There was more conversation, but he ignored it. A breakfast tray appeared on his desk. He drank the coffee and left everything else. Hours must have passed because there was a second tray, this one with sandwiches. He ate one so he could keep working.
About three in the afternoon, he surfaced for the first time that day. His body was stiff, his mind swirling with more half-formed ideas. He needed a break.
After standing and stretching, he noticed the sun was shining brightly. The ocean was calm and a brilliant cobalt blue. Christie sat in the window seat reading.
“Hi,” he said.
She glanced up at him and smiled. “I’m being very quiet. Kiki told me you were working and I wasn’t to d’sturb you. I brought a book.”
“So I see.” He crossed the room and settled next to her. “What are you reading?”
“The Princess and the Pea. It’s about a girl who doesn’t know she’s a princess and she sleeps on a pea.” Christie giggled. “I wouldn’t want to sleep on a pea. That’s silly.”
“I agree.” He tugged on one of her pigtails, then drew her onto his lap. She went willingly, snuggling against him. “What else do you know about this princess?”
“The pea keeps her awake and she gets the prince.” Christie wrinkled her nose. “The prince is nice, but I’d rather have you.”
Her compliment caught him off guard. “Thank you, Christie.” His chest tightened.
“I’m glad you’re my daddy,” she said. “I used to ask God every night for a daddy and then he gave me you. You’re ‘xactly what I wanted.”
He had to clear his throat before he could speak. “I’m glad you’re my little girl,” he said. “You’re exactly what I wanted, too.”
“Really?” She gazed up at him. Her brown eyes were wide and trusting. “Did you ask God for a little girl of your own?”
He shook his head. “I didn’t think I would get that lucky. I wish-” He brushed her bangs off her forehead, then took her tiny, perfect hand in his. “I wish I’d known about you before. I would have come and found you.”
“Just like in my stories.” She patted his chest. “I understand, Daddy. Mommy told me you didn’t know about me. I’m sorry my other mommy, Stacey I mean, didn’t tell you. Then we could have been together for always.”
“That would have been nice,” he said. Then he wondered. How would he have reacted to the news of Stacey’s pregnancy five years ago? He wouldn’t have wanted to believe it was his child and probably wouldn’t have until he’d seen the baby. The guilt-it would have overwhelmed him. Sometimes it still did.
What would have happened if he’d known about Christie from the beginning? How would he have acted? Would he have wanted her? All that innocent life might have gotten in the way of his mourning. The last month had taught him he used the pain of losing Robin to remind himself he was alive. If he felt that, he was at least feeling something.
But Christie required more. With her around, the pain disappeared. He had to experience the world, and sometimes he didn’t want to. Maybe she would have brought him back to the land of the living sooner, or maybe he would have destroyed her, too.
No, he told himself. Erin wouldn’t have let that happen. Erin. Just thinking about her, about them together last night, made him grin. If he’d meet her five years ago, he would never have seen her as her own person. He wouldn’t have risked getting to know her, getting close to her. He would have missed the chance to…To what? Care? Did he? Could he? It wasn’t safe, not for either of them.
“Do you have to do more work?” Christie asked.
“Yes. I’m finishing up a program. I’ll be done either tonight or tomorrow, then I promise we’ll spend some time together. Okay?”
She nodded. “Yes, Daddy, it’s okay. I’m a big girl. Mommy goes to work at school and you go to work here. When I grow up, I’m going to go to work, too.”
She jumped down and started out of the room. At the doorway, she turned back to him. “When Kiki brings you dinner tonight, you eat everything on the tray. Even your vegetables. They make you big and strong.”
He grinned. “Yes, Christie. I promise.”
She gave him her winning smile, complete with dimples, then disappeared into the hall. He wasn’t sure he deserved it, but he’d gotten lucky with her. Pray God, he didn’t screw up.
Parker strolled back to his computer and stared at the screen. In a matter of seconds, he was lost in the program.
When next he surfaced, it was dark outside. An untouched tray sat on his desk. He hadn’t even heard Kiki come in. He glanced at the clock and was stunned to see one forty-eight. He’d been at the computer since eight that morning.
Weariness descended. He rubbed his burning eyes. He was tired and sore, but it had been worth it. The problem was solved, the program nearly complete. Nothing like a night of hot sex to clear your thinking, he told himself. Maybe he could-
Damn. He’d been in his office all day. He hadn’t seen Erin. She hadn’t come to see him-at least he didn’t remember her coming in the room-and he hadn’t sought her out. After last night she was probably expecting something from him. Even something as simple as a polite greeting. He bolted from the room, then paused at the top of the stairs.
“You’re a jerk, Hamilton,” he muttered aloud. Last night had been terrific, so the first chance he got, he messed it up.
He started up the stairs, then paused. It was nearly two in the morning. He couldn’t go barging into her room just to apologize for ignoring her all day. He would have to wait until morning. No doubt she was going to be furious. He deserved it. He’d been an insensitive clod.
He headed down the stairs toward the main floor. Halfway there he noticed a light shining from the study. Kiki would be gone or asleep. Had his housekeeper left a lamp on for him, or was Erin still awake?
He hurried across the hardwood floor and stepped into the study. Erin sat in the leather wing chair reading. The light behind her left shoulder highlighted the red in her hair. She was dressed in a loose summer dress. Skinny straps left her shoulders and slender arms bare. The front dipped low enough to hint at the generous curves below. His fingers curled toward his palms as he remembered touching her there, holding and caressing her.
She hadn’t noticed him in the doorway. “Erin?” he said.
She glanced up and smiled. “Ah, life arises from the laboratory. What did you discover today, Dr. Frankenstein?”
He crossed the floor in three long strides. “That I’m a jerk,” he said and bent over.
She raised her face and accepted his kiss. Her soft, yielding mouth relieved some of the tension in his chest. When her mouth parted, he swept inside and teased them both into a state of mild arousal.
At last he pulled away and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. “Thanks for not being angry.”
“Why would I be? You went to work and got involved with your program. I guessed you had some kind of breakthrough. I think that’s great.”
He settled on the ottoman in front of her chair and studied her face. Her eyes were clear of any dark emotions, her mouth curved up at the corners.
“Really?”
She put her bookmark in place and set the book on the small table to her right. “Cross my heart.” She made an X over her left breast.
“I owe it all to you,” he said, placing his hands on her knees. “You inspired me.”
“I’ll take credit for distracting you, but I think inspiration is a little much.” Her hair brushed against her bare shoulders. “Quit looking so guilty. I’m not mad. I know your work is important to you. We made love last night. It was terrific for both of us. This morning you found the solution to a problem that’s been bugging you for weeks. If anything, I’m flattered. Why can’t you accept that?”
“Because I should have brought you breakfast in bed, or maybe a dozen roses.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Oh, that would have been subtle. Then no one would have known what happened.”
“Yeah, okay, maybe not breakfast in bed. I didn’t mean to ignore you today. I don’t want you to think I don’t care about what happened last night. It was great.” He met her gaze. “You were great.”
His hands moved up her legs to her thighs. It was late, but they were still awake. Maybe they could-
She wrapped her fingers around his wrists and held him in place.
“Parker, we have to talk.”
That particular phrase always meant bad news. He placed his elbows on his knees. “About?”
“Us.” Erin shifted in the chair. “The next step. I wondered what you had in mind. Christie and I will be here another five weeks. What happens now?”
“You mean sexually?”
“Was it a one-night thing?”
“I hadn’t thought that far ahead,” he admitted. “I enjoyed being with you. I’d like us to be lovers.” He never thought he would say that again. He never thought he would want anyone. But it was more than just the sex. He liked her and respected her. She made him laugh and forget.
She leaned forward and placed her hands on top of his. Their faces were inches apart. He could see the individual colors in her irises. The blues, greens and golds. He could study the perfect shape of her mouth, the cupid’s bow upper lip and the full lower one.
He wanted her. His blood heated and his arousal was instant. He wanted to do everything they had done last night, and a few things they hadn’t.
“I know this complicates the situation,” he said, “but I think we can work it out.”
She laced her fingers with his, then stared at their joined hands. “I’m not that sophisticated, Parker. I wasn’t a virgin last night, but I haven’t been with a lot of men. I enjoyed what we did.” She gave him a half smile. “‘Enjoy’ isn’t quite powerful enough, is it? You were amazing.”
“But? Not that I don’t appreciate the compliment, but I hear a but.”
She nodded. “But I don’t think I can be your lover. Not that I don’t want to be. It’s very tempting. I’m just afraid that in the end, I’ll disappoint you.”
“That’s not possible.”
“I can’t keep giving my body without my heart coming along for the ride.” She met his gaze. “If we continue to be lovers I’ll-” She swallowed, but didn’t look away. “I’ll fall in love with you and I know you don’t want that.”
He’d known it was too good to last, but the sharpness of his regret startled him. Until she’d actually refused, he hadn’t known how much he’d wanted her in his life. It wasn’t fair, he acknowledged. A temporary situation gave him everything he wanted, but offered little to her. He knew he was safe, emotionally. He was never going to care about anyone again. He’d learned his lesson a long time ago and he wasn’t going to repeat it.
“I understand,” he said, and was surprised when regret boiled into anger. He did understand, but he didn’t like it. He wanted to be with her. He wanted her in his bed and in his life. For the summer, of course. He wasn’t looking for an emotional connection.
“I’m also concerned about Christie,” she went on. She gave his fingers a quick squeeze, then released him. “If she sees us acting like a couple, she’ll start to think that we’re going to be a normal family. I think just staying friends is better for everyone.”
“Safer, you mean,” he said, fighting the irritation of not getting his way. “Settling for what’s offered instead of taking what you want.”
She flinched and turned her gaze away. “An interesting comment coming from you. Playing it safe is what you do best, Parker. Isn’t that what this entire household is about? Providing you with a place to escape.”
Now it was his turn to feel uncomfortable. “This is my home,” he said. “Nothing more.”
“Isn’t it? You don’t hide out here so you can keep the world at a distance? I’m surprised you’ve let Christie in as much as you have. I suppose she’s accepted because she’s just a child and because her visit is temporary. But an adult woman is more of a risk.” She stared at him, her hazel eyes seeing far more than they should. “I believe that you got a brilliant idea this morning and I’m pleased to have had a small part in that inspiration. But I find it interesting that you felt it necessary to seal yourself away from me for an entire day.”
“I have a responsibility to my work.”
“And maybe it was a little easier not to have to face me and what had happened between us.”
“I don’t regret what happened.”
She gave him a sad smile. “That’s not what I’m saying. You-” She hesitated.
“I what?” he asked, then wondered if he really wanted to know.
“You hold a part of yourself back. You do it with Kiki, with me, even with Christie. I’m sure you held back with Stacey. Did you do the same thing with your wife, Parker? Did you keep parts of your heart from her?”
He rose to his feet. “You have no right to ask me about her.”
“I have every right,” she said quietly. “This isn’t about me. I’ll survive whatever happens between us. Our relationship isn’t important. What matters is Christie. She’s your daughter. I won’t let you do to her what you’ve done to the other people in your life. You’d better think long and hard about this. You’d better search your heart and know for sure. If you hold back from your daughter, she’ll know. She won’t understand that it’s about you and not about her. She’ll blame herself. I won’t let you hurt her that way.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” he said, pacing across the room.
“Not on purpose, maybe, but it’s a habit.” She laced her fingers together and studied them. “You still mourn Robin. While I can appreciate that you really loved her, I can’t help but wonder why you won’t let go. Is it guilt, Parker? Is it because she died knowing you held a part of yourself in reserve? Christie is only four years old. You can’t let her dream of flying, then let her crash to the ground. She trusts you. Are you going to let her down?”
He stood in front of the fireplace and stared at her. “Never.”
She went on as if she hadn’t heard him. “The hardest part about being a parent is that you have to give everything and pray that it’s enough. Sometimes it’s not, but you have to try anyway. You have to be willing to make sacrifices. When we first came here I was a little jealous of your relationship with Christie. She wanted a father and you did everything right. I handled it because being with you was the best thing for her. Now it’s easier. I’m glad you two get along. My point is I had to be willing to make a sacrifice and you’re going to have to do the same.”
Erin jealous of him? But he was just fumbling in the dark with this while she did everything right. God, he was so confused.
“I love her,” he said.
“That’s a start.”
A thousand thoughts swirled through his mind. Erin’s accusations about holding back a part of himself. Could he be a good parent? Was he capable of giving as much as Christie needed? What would happen to her if he failed?
He turned and left the room. The inky blackness of night called him. He opened the French doors and stepped onto the terrace.
A soft sea breeze caressed him as he stood looking at the ocean. He couldn’t see anything beyond the occasional whitecap. He could hear the pounding of the surf. It matched the thundering of his heartbeat. It had been so long since he’d fought them that he’d thought he’d conquered the demons. He’d been wrong.
They returned silently, swooping out of the night, attacking him with swords sharpened by regret. They pierced his protective layer of logic, zeroing in on his exposed uncertainties. Robin. Always Robin.
Without closing his eyes he could see her lying in the hospital bed. He’d clutched her hand and begged her not to leave him. It was just pneumonia; she wasn’t supposed to die.
He drew in a deep breath and instead of salt air, he smelled the antiseptic scent of hospital disinfectant. He could feel her fragile fingers resting in his, and see the shadows under her eyes.
“Don’t go,” he’d whispered. “I’ll never make it without you.”
She’d looked at him then, turning her head until she could see him. “It’s better this way,” she’d said, every word a labor of breath and energy. “You’ll remember me alive. You won’t hate me.”
“I could never hate you, Robin. You’re my whole life. I love you.”
A single tear slipped out of the corner of her eye. “Today,” she murmured. “You love me today. What about tomorrow? What happens when the disease steals my body? You’re so alive, Parker. You would hate the illness and eventually you’d hate me.” She paused to catch her breath. A sharp cough racked her thin frame.
“Never,” he told her. “I’d be right here. Always.”
Then she’d smiled at him. A sad knowing smile that had made him feel like an unruly child. They hadn’t talked again. He’d stayed with her, holding on to her until she slipped into a coma, then silently died.
Now, with the night air surrounding him, Parker questioned his commitment to his wife. Had Robin believed he held something back? Obviously she hadn’t trusted him to be there for her during her illness. He’d been so angry with her for leaving him. Had he ever forgiven her?
Had she ever forgiven him?
The unexpected question brought a rush of shame. He hung his head and breathed a prayer of apology. To her and to Stacey. Erin was right. His wife had been right. They both sensed a weakness in him.
“I would have stayed with you,” he said aloud, speaking to the night. “Always, Robin. I loved you.”
As the words caught flight and were carried aloft, even he heard the answering echo of falseness. He loved her, but not with all his heart. He’d held something back. In the end, she’d known the truth. He wasn’t enough. He would never have been enough.
He returned to the study. Erin was still in the chair although she hadn’t picked up her book. He stood in the doorway. “You’re right,” he said. “About everything. I understand why you don’t want a relationship with me. I don’t blame you.”
“Parker, that’s not what I said. You’re twisting my words.”
He shrugged. “It’s what you meant and that’s what’s important. I’ll do my best with Christie. I can’t promise to be perfect, but I want to be a good father to her. I do care about her.”
“I know.” Sadness settled in her eyes. “That’s all anyone can ask for. If you’re aware of the problem, I’m sure you can prevent it from happening. Just remember she needs you to love her unconditionally.”
“That shouldn’t be too hard. Christie is easy to love.” He turned to leave, then paused. “I-” Hell, what was he supposed to say to her? “Good night, Erin.”
He climbed the stairs and prepared for a long night battling the demons. Maybe this time they wouldn’t win.
When Parker walked into the kitchen the next morning, Kiki was already rolling out cinnamon rolls. Christie sat beside her on the counter. She had a small bowl filled with raisins in one hand.
“Daddy!” she squealed when she saw him. She held out her arms.
As Kiki took the bowl from her, he crossed the room and grabbed Christie close.
“Morning, angel. What are you doing?”
“I’m helpin’ with breakfast. We’re making cinnamon rolls.”
“So I see.” He swung her around once and set her back on the counter. Her pink shirt matched the glow in her cheeks. Her hair was in its usual pigtails. She was bright and pretty, and he was proud that she was his child, even though he couldn’t claim any of the credit.
“How are you, Kiki?” he asked as he got a cup out of the cupboard and poured some coffee.
“Never better,” the housekeeper said. This morning her jogging suit was white with red dots. Her athletic shoes were plain white, but the laces had tiny dots on them. “Breakfast will be ready in about twenty minutes.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“You hardly ate anything yesterday,” she reminded him.
“I know.” It didn’t matter. He’s spent most of last night wrestling with all Erin had said and remembering his time with Robin. He hadn’t liked some of his conclusions.
“Mommy’s not hungry, either,” Christie said.
Kiki glanced at him. He read the questions in her eyes. Was Erin’s lack of appetite his fault? He knew it was. Their talk had affected her as well.
She’d hinted at a relationship and he’d been interested in an affair.
Hamilton, you’re a real bastard, he told himself.
He dropped a kiss on the top of Christie’s head. “You’re my best girl,” he told her.
She grinned. “You’re my best daddy.”
He wasn’t…yet. But he was going to do his damnedest to make sure he turned out that way. He owed it to Christie. Maybe he even owed it to himself.