Erin was curled up on a chair by her bedroom window when someone knocked on her door. For a half second, she hoped it was Parker, that he’d come to sweep her off her feet, tell her that he was a fool and of course he was madly in love with her.
“Yeah, right,” she murmured.
The person at the door knocked again. “It’s Kiki, Erin. May I come in?”
So much for daydreams. “Sure, Kiki. It’s not locked.”
The housekeeper stepped inside. “At least you’re up and dressed. I was afraid you’d still be in bed.”
“I’m not that far gone. I just needed a little time to myself.”
Kiki put her hands on her hips. This morning she wore a white jogging suit with red polka dots. The cheerful print matched the older woman’s personality.
“You can’t hide in here forever.”
“I’m not hiding. I’m-” She thought for a moment, searching for the perfect word. “I’m regrouping.”
Kiki crossed to the foot of the bed and sat on the cedar hope chest there. “Sounds like hiding to me.”
That’s because it was. Erin shifted on her chair. She was so confused by everything. Too much had happened too fast. She hadn’t slept much. She’d been thinking about everything she had said to Parker and what he’d said back. In truth she was pleased that he’d found the solution to his programming problem. But she was also hurt that he’d ignored her for the whole day. She’d expected some kind of acknowledgment from him.
“Do you want to talk about it?” the housekeeper asked. Her blue eyes were kind, her expression understanding.
“I wouldn’t know where to begin.”
“Would it help if I told you I knew what happened a couple of nights ago?”
Erin felt a flush heat her cheeks. She stared at Kiki. “How?”
“The two of you spilled the box of condoms and didn’t pick them all up. I found several when I vacuumed yesterday.” She leaned forward. “Don’t feel guilty, Erin. You and Parker are consenting adults. What you do behind closed doors is no one’s business but your own.”
Then why are we talking about it, Erin wondered, still chagrined that the secret was already out. “It’s not as simple as that. The whole man-woman relationship is very complicated. I’ve been out of the game for so long, I don’t know how to play anymore. Not that I ever did.”
“It’s like riding a bicycle.”
“I’m not sure I ever believed that old saying. I rode a bike when I was kid and when I tried one as an adult, I nearly got myself killed.” Erin folded her hands on her lap and drew in a deep breath. “Everything is different from what I thought it would be.”
“Maybe that’s because you’ve changed. The last time you were involved with a man you were in college. Just a young woman. Now you’re a mature adult, a single mother with a child to worry about. That would change anyone’s perspective.”
Erin stared at her. “You’re right. Why didn’t I think of it that way?”
The words made perfect sense. Everything had changed since she was last in the dating world. She’d grown up, started raising Christie. Her wants and needs were different, but her heart still held on to its adolescent dreams. She was mature, but inexperienced. Most likely, she was doing everything all wrong.
“I can see the truth more clearly,” Kiki said, “because I’m not personally involved. I know this is unfamiliar and feels a little awkward, but it will be worth it in the end.”
Erin smiled. “You can’t expect me to believe that.”
“Why not? It’s true. Don’t you think Parker is worth the effort?”
Erin’s smile faded. Of course she did. She had to. She’d lost her heart to him. She gripped her fingers tightly together and wondered how everything had gotten so messed up. She’d fallen in love with Parker, then she’d lied about it. She’d told him that if they continued to be lovers, she would become too emotionally attached. The truth was physical intimacy would deepen an already existing attachment. She’d shied away from telling him her real feelings because she couldn’t face his rejection.
“I’ve made a mess of everything,” Erin said softly. “And I don’t know how to fix it.”
Kiki stared at her. “I’m going to tell you something I probably shouldn’t, but I’ve been here too long for Parker to fire me, so I guess it’s safe. I’m doing this for his own good, and for yours. Parker is a good man.”
“I already figured out that part.”
Kiki winked. “I knew you were bright.” She thought for a moment. “I don’t know how much he told you about his family.”
“He mentioned that they never cared about his achievements, or about doing anything with their lives.”
The housekeeper nodded. “That’s all true. I met his parents once. They came here for dinner. They found fault with everything and admitted being disappointed that we didn’t have a television in the dining room so they could watch their favorite game show during dinner.”
“A real class act,” Erin said. “Didn’t they think the house was wonderful? What about the view? What about seeing their son?”
“I don’t think they cared. Certainly not about Parker. He’s very-” Kiki paused as if weighing her words. “He’s very good at what he does. He’s brilliant and inventive. He has a gift for figuring out what people are going to want and need before they do. He’s made a fortune, but none of that is important to him. He appreciates what the money buys, but if he lost everything tomorrow, I truly believe he wouldn’t care except for how it affected those around him. What I’m trying to say is he doesn’t see himself as brilliant or gifted. To him, he’s just a computer nerd who got lucky.”
A computer nerd. She knew someone else who fit that description. “Like Robin.”
“Exactly like Robin.”
“They had everything in common,” Erin said. “He loved her very much. He still loves her.”
“Loving Robin is safe,” Kiki told her. “She’s not here anymore. She can’t change or get angry. Their relationship is familiar, but it’s not what you think it is. She wasn’t a perfect person.”
Erin looked at the other woman. “I’m pleased Parker still thinks about her. To me, that shows he has the ability to commit. That’s what I want for Christie. I want to know that he’ll commit to her, no matter what. I want to be sure that he’ll be there for her. He will.”
“Parker’s relationship with his daughter isn’t the reason you’re hiding in this room, though, is it?”
Erin sighed. “No.”
“You’re worrying about measuring up to Robin. Don’t think about that. You’re two different people, and she’s gone forever.”
“That sounds like a polite way of telling me I can’t measure up.”
Kiki shook her head. “It’s a polite way of saying you wouldn’t want to measure up. Robin had many flaws.”
“I’m no paragon of virtue, either. I-” She hesitated, then figured she had to confess all to someone. Maybe Kiki could help. “My sister kept a diary while she was here. Most of the entries are about Parker and Stacey’s feelings for him. I’m afraid I’ve taken those entries a little too much to heart.”
“So what if you have? You’ve needed a push in the right direction for a long time. Parker hides behind his memories and his work. You hide behind Christie. You’ve both been hiding for too many years. Get out, Erin. Get your hands dirty. Risk making mistakes. Remember what it feels like to be alive.”
Kiki’s words stung. Erin struggled to keep the hurt from showing. “I know exactly what it feels like to be alive.”
Kiki smiled. “Do you? What was the last big risk you took?”
“Coming here.”
“And before that?”
Erin couldn’t remember. She wasn’t much on taking risks. You’re going to die waiting for your turn. That voice spoke in her head again. She tried to ignore it, but it was too loud and truthful. The voice was right; Kiki was right. She’d been waiting for someone to hand her her turn. She’d never taken an uncalculated risk. She’d never grabbed for what she wanted. If she were to die right this minute, her tombstone would read: Erin Ridgeway-a Cautious Person. Is that what she wanted for her life?
“Everything is confusing,” she murmured, not sure what to do with her newfound insight.
“Growing isn’t always comfortable, but it’s worth it in the end.” Kiki stood. “I have to go to the grocery store. Why don’t I take Christie with me so you can have some time to think? You could take a drive up the coast. Or inland. There are some beautiful houses and scenic routes in the area.”
A drive. “That sounds great,” Erin said. She rose to her feet and crossed to the housekeeper. “Thanks for the advice.”
Kiki patted her arm. “I hate to see you so unhappy, Erin. Life is precious. Enjoy every moment. Grab on to happiness with both hands and refuse to let go.”
“I’m not much of a grabber.”
“Practice. It gets easier with time.” Kiki left the room.
Erin stared after her and remembered that the other woman had suffered the loss of a child, then the disintegration of her marriage. Yet she still talked about happiness and living life to its fullest. Her philosophy made Erin ashamed of her miserly existence.
She grabbed her purse and her camera, then headed for the door. A few minutes later, she was turning her car around in the large circular driveway. At the street, instead of heading south for town, she went north and followed the coast. At the next highway, she headed inland.
The lush green grass springing up on the side of the road, the trees and cool ocean breeze were different from what she was used to. She and Christie lived in the upper desert of Southern California. Palmdale was a high valley, surrounded by open bare land and brown mountains. Dry wind accompanied every season. When it rained, things were green for a few weeks, then gradually died. Homeowners fought a constant battle to keep their small lawns lush and healthy.
She pulled into a park and left the engine running as she stared at the children and their parents. Grown-ups pushed kids on swings. A soccer game took up one side of the park. Children in birthday hats sat around a cluster of picnic tables. Families together.
Erin leaned against the headrest and closed her eyes. Families. She hadn’t been part of a family since she was nine years old. She and Stacey had been shuffled from place to place. They’d never belonged, except to each other. Now Stacey was gone and Erin only had Christie. She loved her daughter with all her heart, but sometimes she got weary of being the only one responsible. Sometimes she wanted someone to be there for her.
Was that a heartfelt prayer of a grown woman or the unrealistic desire left over from the dreams of a nine-year-old orphan?
She didn’t have an answer. Questions swirled through her mind. Should she take Christie home now, before more damage was done? Then she reminded herself Parker hadn’t damaged his daughter. He’d been good to her and for her from the first moment they’d met. Erin was the only one at risk of being wounded and that was because she’d broken the rules. She’d fallen in love when she was just supposed to be his friend.
As much as she would like to run away, it wasn’t an option. She and Parker were connected through Christie and they would stay that way for the rest of their lives. She would have to find some kind of middle ground with him.
What had gone wrong? Did she regret making love?
“No,” she whispered. “Never.”
That night had been magic. She’d forgotten what it felt like to hold someone and be held. The joy of sharing had little to do with the physical rapture she’d found with him, and everything to do with the touching of souls. No matter how much it would hurt her later, she couldn’t regret a moment of their time together.
Did she regret loving him?
Erin drew in a deep breath and opened her eyes. A young couple had walked into the park. The man carried a toddler in his arms. He set the child down and watched him weave unevenly on the grass. The man glanced at his wife. For that moment, Erin saw the affection in his eyes, she felt their love as they joined hands, then laughed as their child pointed to a bird and flapped his arms as if they were wings.
Loving Christie had kept Erin alive after the loss of her sister. Love was the best anyone could aspire to. So, no, she didn’t regret loving Parker. She just wasn’t sure what she was going to do about it.
She backed out of the parking lot and continued down the road. About fifteen minutes later, she came across an old abandoned barn. The roof was intact but boards had come off the walls, and where there had once been wide double doors, a huge hole yawned like a giant’s toothless grin.
Erin pulled onto the side of the road. She collected her camera and stepped out onto the dirt path leading to the barn. The air was cool and still, the sun warm. Birds called in the distance, but the barn was alone. An abandoned dark silhouette against a perfect blue sky.
She studied the structure, the shape and size, then walked around it slowly. Visually she explored the possibilities, trying to figure out why the isolation of the building spoke to her. Was it that the building remained standing, despite being alone? Was it the desolation of the scene? She wasn’t sure. She only knew that she had to capture the essence of the moment and preserve it.
She loaded the camera and began taking pictures. Some she took quickly, clicking a series of the barn. Others, she set up carefully, finding the right angle, the right play of light and shadows. She felt herself becoming one with her subject. Her mind filled with possibilities. Different shots, different combinations of centering and foreground.
Later, when she’d used up five rolls of film, she glanced at her watch and gasped. She’d spent three hours at the barn. It had felt like fifteen minutes. Exhilaration filled her, along with a sense of having accomplished something. She couldn’t answer questions about her future, or deal with potential regrets over her relationship with Parker, but this time away from the house had taught her one thing. She’d been wrong to stop taking pictures.
She walked back to the car and slid into her seat. For a moment she stared at the barn. Once again it was just an abandoned old building, but for those few hours it had been more. It had been her dream.
She headed toward the house, going through town to leave her film at a photo lab. As she filled out the information on the envelopes, she calculated how many more rolls of film she wanted to buy. She was ready to start taking pictures again.
On the way to Hawkin’s Point, she thought about what Kiki had told her, and what she, herself, had said to Parker last night. She’d been hard on him, angry because he’d abandoned her. Now she understood him a little better. If he’d felt the same joy in his programming that she’d felt taking the pictures, then she couldn’t begrudge him his time away from her.
Kiki was right. Life was to be lived. If Erin were honest with herself, she would be willing to admit that her regrets were rarely about things she said. Her regrets came from opportunities missed. Things she didn’t do.
She wanted to change that. She wanted to grab on with both hands. The only problem was she wasn’t sure what to grab for. Happiness, Kiki had said. What would make her happy? Was it finally her turn, or was the voice right? Would she die waiting for her turn? Was it time to make things happen?
The house came into view. Funny, as beautiful as the three-story structure was, she had no desire to take pictures of it. At first she wasn’t sure why, then she realized she already knew this building inside and out. An image of it lived in her heart. She didn’t need a static photograph to remind her of home.
That night, after putting Christie into bed and reading her a story, Erin went to find Parker. She went down to the second floor and saw a light shining from his office. After crossing the landing, she paused in the hallway. He was in front of his computer, obviously deeply involved in his program.
She stepped inside the room and quietly made her way to the window seat. She hadn’t spent much time in here. She wasn’t sure why. Maybe because she knew he’d once worked here with Robin and she didn’t want to encounter any ghosts.
Tonight she didn’t feel any strange presence, so she settled on the cushion and waited for Parker to notice her.
The office was large, with high ceilings and a wall full of windows. Blinds had been pulled open to allow in the light, and he didn’t bother to lower them at night. Erin realized this room faced the ocean. There was no one to look in and disturb his privacy.
His computer desk took up about a quarter of the space at one end of the room. Books and papers were piled high on every available surface, and formed teetering stacks on the floor. The steady clicking of his fingers on the keyboard provided a rhythmic counterpoint to the faint rumble of the surf below.
Dark hair fell over his forehead. He brushed it away, absently. His gaze was focused and intense, his mouth a straight line. He wore a T-shirt over jeans and his feet were bare. Even his watch was an inexpensive sports model available at any department store. Nothing about Parker Hamiliton indicated that he was worth millions.
Nearly a half hour passed before he glanced up and saw her. He blinked. “Erin?”
“Hi.”
“Have you been sitting there long?”
She stood and stretched, then settled back on the window seat. “Not very. How’s it going?” She motioned to the computer.
“Great. I’m sorry. You should have said something.”
“I didn’t mind. I like watching you work. It’s very intense.”
He grinned. “I get completely involved in what I’m doing. With my luck I probably drool or something.”
She laughed. “You were fine. You don’t even squint.”
His smile faded. “Is everything all right? Christie-”
“Christie’s fine, too. She’s already asleep. I wanted to talk to you for a minute, if you have time.”
“Sure.” He clicked a couple of keys, then angled his chair toward her. He stretched out long, lean legs and leaned back. “I’m listening.”
What had seemed so simple just a short time ago suddenly became awkward. She fumbled for words, wanting to find the right ones. When they didn’t appear, she settled on just being honest.
“I’m sorry for what I said last night,” she told him. “I was a little hurt and angry that you were so involved with work, but I didn’t feel I had the right to complain about that. So I got analytical instead. Feel free to ignore my pop psychology. I’m hardly an expert. It’s not my place to say those things about your relationship with Robin. I hope you can forgive me.”
“Already done.” His eyes darkened. “You were right about everything, you know.”
“No, I wasn’t. I was lashing out.” Fighting the truth and trying not to be hurt because she loved him and he wasn’t interested in her feelings.
“Then you have good instincts.” He shrugged. “I’ve been thinking about what you said. About holding back. I don’t want that to happen with Christie.”
“It won’t. You’re a terrific father. She adores you.”
He rubbed his temple as if he were developing a headache. “Adoration is for rock stars. I want to be a part of her life. But sometimes the responsibility terrifies me. I don’t want to do something stupid and mess her up. I have this vision of her twenty years from now, paying a therapist a hundred dollars an hour and it’s all because of me.”
Erin laughed. “Then make sure you give her a big enough allowance so she can pay for it.”
“You’re not helping.”
She stared at him, at his handsome features, at the concern obvious in his expression. “I know it didn’t work out between you and Stacey. Her imagination created a relationship where one didn’t exist at all. But she had good instincts, too.”
“What do you mean?”
“She picked you to fall in love with, Parker. You’re going to do fine with Christie. You’ll learn as you go, like the rest of us parents.”
“You’ve had a head start on me.”
“You’ll catch up.”
He didn’t respond. Instead he stood and crossed the room to the window seat. He sat next to her and took her hand in his. His fingers were warm and strong. He rubbed his thumb across her palm. She sensed he meant the gesture to be friendly, even comforting, but she found it arousing. Heat skittered up her arm to settle in her breasts and between her thighs.
“I’m sorry about all you lost. All I took from you,” he said.
“What are you talking about?”
“Stacey.”
“We’ve been through this. It wasn’t about you at all.”
“If she hadn’t gotten pregnant, she wouldn’t be dead.” His pain radiated as if it were heat. His gaze met hers. “You have every right to hate me for that. She was your sister. Your twin. That bond, I-” He shook his head. “You still miss her. I hate myself for what I’ve done to you and Christie.”
“Parker, no. Never. Don’t hate yourself. I don’t hate you or blame you.”
“You should.”
She turned toward him and squeezed his hand. “I’ll admit you should have acted more responsibly that night. It was wrong to make love with my sister. But it was nothing more than a mistake. You didn’t set out to hurt her.”
“But I did and she died.”
Erin leaned close. “I refuse to let you wish that night away. I can’t imagine what my life would be like then. Don’t you see? Without that night, without that mistake, there would be no Christie. That’s what you gave me. I’ll always miss my sister. You’re right, we did share a unique bond and part of me always feels her loss. But I’ve gained this beautiful loving child. That was Stacey’s last gift to me. Christie is a part of my sister and I won’t ever regret having her in my life.”
He put his arms around her and drew her close. “I don’t deserve you. Most people would want me drawn and quartered for what I did.”
“Then most people are wrong.”
She leaned against his chest and inhaled the scent of him. His embrace made her feel safe and secure. She wanted to stay here forever. She could hear the steady beating of his heart. For a moment she was tempted to raise her head and kiss him. He would respond. They could share the night, join their bodies, experience paradise in each other’s arms.
But in the morning he would walk away and she would be the one left with a broken heart.
He brushed her hair off her face and tucked it behind her ear. “Christie spent some time with me today,” he said. “We were using a couple of new programs for kids. I’ve been thinking of some educational software modifications I’d like to make for her. She’s very bright.”
Erin smiled. “What else would she be? Look at her parents.”
“I guess you’re right. It’s interesting that you don’t share Stacey’s interest in computers.”
“Twins start out identical, but they grow up to have different personalities. Stacey was always more outgoing than me. She was the risk-taker.”
“You took a risk coming here.”
She snuggled closer. “I’m glad I did.”
At this moment, in his arms, she could pretend it was real. That he cared about her, that everything was going to work out. But in her heart, she knew it was just a fantasy. He wasn’t in love with her and he didn’t want her to love him. They weren’t the perfect family. They’d come close, but it wasn’t meant to be.
“Where do we go from here?” he asked.
To bed. But she didn’t say the words. She couldn’t afford the price. “We don’t have to go anywhere. We can stay right where we are.”
“Where’s that?”
She drew in a deep breath. “Friends. We can be good friends. I could use someone like you in my life, and Kiki’s right. You live like a hermit. You need us, too.”
His arms tightened, holding her close. “That sounds great.”
Actually it sounded horrible to her. Empty and cold and not nearly what she wanted. Still it was better than nothing. She couldn’t make him love her. She couldn’t force a response he didn’t want to make. So they would be friends and she would make it enough. Because the alternative was to confess all and risk losing him completely.
She ignored the voice that whispered once again that she was settling and waiting for her turn. She ignored Kiki’s advice of grabbing onto happiness with both hands. Parker wasn’t interested. If she tried to grab for happiness, all she would find was smoke, and all she would get was a broken heart.