Parker stepped into Christie’s darkened room. The night-light by the door cast a faint glow over the left side of the bed. He could see his daughter asleep on her back, her teddy bear clutched in her good arm. The cast was supported by a pillow and her new dog curled up by her feet.
He bent over and petted the animal. “How you doing, Laverne?” he whispered. She licked his fingers, then settled back down and gave a contented groan. Between her full belly and Christie’s affection, her doggie life was complete. Parker wondered if she minded being called Laverne. They’d discussed other names, but Christie had insisted.
He crouched by the little girl and gently touched her fingers. They curled around the end of the cast. Her skin was warm and soft. Her chest rose and fell in time with her breathing. How fragile she seemed at night. It terrified him to think how easily she could have been taken from him.
A sharp pain sliced through him. He gritted his teeth to keep from calling out. Dear God, he would never have survived that. Not just the guilt, but the sorrow of not seeing her smile or knowing she was alive to brighten the world.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I should have watched more closely, or told you to stay off the rocks. Give me a chance and I’ll do better.”
She slept on. He stared at her and wondered how anyone could know her and not love her. Her presence in his life was a gift. He’d done nothing to earn it. He could only accept graciously and do his best to make her happy and help her grow.
Erin had warned him about holding back. At the time he wasn’t sure he could give everything. Now he knew he didn’t have a choice.
“I’ll make it right,” he said softly. “I swear. I’ll always love you, Christie. No matter what. I’ll love you with all I have.”
The act of speaking the words caused the last barrier in his heart to break free. Emotion flooded him, overwhelming him. Love, sorrow, regret, pain, pleasure and need all swirled together until he found it difficult to breathe.
He wanted to weep for the past and how he’d messed everything up. Robin had been right not to trust him. He wanted to stand up and scream that he’d finally changed. It was all right now.
But it was too late. Shame filled him. The change had come because of his wife’s death, not in spite of it. Had she lived, he might never have learned to truly love. He missed her but it was time to make peace with her passing. He would always love her, but now it was time to say goodbye.
He squeezed his eyes closed and wondered when it got easier.
“Parker?”
He raised his head and saw Erin standing in the doorway. He rose and walked to her.
“What’s going on?” she asked.
He stepped into the hall. She followed. “Nothing,” he said. “I was checking on Christie. I…” He swallowed. “You were right. I was holding back from her. In these last couple of days I’ve seen how much she means to me. We came so close to losing her.”
She took his hand and pulled him into her room. There was a chair by the window. When he was seated, she knelt in front of him and placed her hands on his thighs. Her gaze was intense, her expression ernest. “I wish I had the words to convince you it was just an accident. No one is to blame. Otherwise they would be called deliberates.”
God knows he wanted to believe her. But he couldn’t, he knew the truth. “I should have watched her better. I should-”
“No. I should have come with you to the beach instead of staying inside to finish writing my letters. I should have sensed something was wrong.”
“That’s ridiculous,” he said. “You couldn’t know something was going to happen. The odds of her going up on the rocks, then falling through are-”
She cut him off. “Exactly my point. Or are you saying only you can accept unreasonable blame?”
“I…” He stared at her. She had him there. If he told her it was just an accident, then he had to believe it himself. The guilt lingered, but not as strongly as before. Maybe she was right. Maybe it was just one of those things. He gave her a half smile. “You’re pretty smart.”
“Thank you, sir.”
They stared at each other. A subtle awareness filled him. She was close and she was touching him. He hadn’t stopped wanting her. But she’d been the one to put the brakes on their physical relationship and he was determined to respect that.
She leaned forward. “I’m glad you were with me through this. I would have fallen apart if I’d been alone.”
“You’re too strong for that. You would have been fine.” He touched her face. “I have a confession. In the hospital, I wasn’t sure she was going to make it. I was just as scared as you.”
“I know. You were very brave.”
“I didn’t feel brave. I felt more like a coward.”
She took his hands in hers. “Parker, just for tonight, please let me love you.” She brought his fingers to her mouth and kissed them. The soft touch burned, but not as hotly as her words. That simple sentence had seared a path to his soul.
“Erin?”
She sighed. “I know you don’t want me to feel that way about you, and I won’t-tomorrow. But for tonight, accept my heart and my body. Let me love you and pretend that you love me back.”
He pulled his hands free and leaned toward her. He gripped her shoulders. “What are you saying?”
Her smile was pure surrender. She reached for the buttons on his shirt and unfastened them. “Make love to me.”
A gentleman would have refused her, but he had always known he was a bastard. Desire raced through him, boiling his blood and pooling in his groin. Questions swirled through his mind. She spoke of love. It couldn’t be true. She couldn’t love him. He didn’t deserve it. Except maybe for tonight. While it was dark out and nothing was real, he could accept her gift.
As he pulled her to him, she came willingly, molding herself to him, wrapping her arms around him and pressing her lips to his. The hunger was instant. He tasted her sweetness and wondered how he’d survived this long without her.
“I’ve missed you,” he murmured against her mouth.
Her tongue touched his and she groaned. “Me, too. More than you can imagine.”
She pulled his shirt free and touched his chest. He tensed with pleasure as her fingers traced circles on his skin. His muscles rippled, his erection throbbed. He wanted to be in her, touching her everywhere.
He buried his hands in her hair and angled his mouth more firmly on hers. He plunged inside, exploring her, recalling the pleasure he’d found here before. He kissed her until she was trembling. Only then did he reach for the zipper at the back of her short-sleeve dress.
It lowered easily. While he traced a damp path along her jaw, he drew the dress down her arms. The fabric pooled at her knees. He urged her to stand. She rose awkwardly, her thighs shaking. She wore nothing but panties and a bra, pale peach against her honey tanned skin.
Her stomach was at his eye level. He leaned forward and kissed the smooth, flat skin. She sucked in a breath and balanced herself with her hands on his shoulders. He moved lower, kissing and licking until he reached the lace panties, then he slipped down to her guarded secrets and breathed in the scent of her.
She exhaled his name. Her fingers kneaded his muscles. She vibrated with desire and that aroused him more. He liked her that way. He liked knowing he could reduce her to mindlessness with just his touch.
He looped his fingers under the elastic around her thighs and tugged the triangle of lace free. She stepped out of the panties and shifted, parting her legs slightly. He dipped one finger into her curls. Moist heat enveloped him. Slick skin beckoned. Gently, carefully, he opened her, exposing the tiny place of pleasure. He leaned forward and touched his tongue to her. She jumped.
He stroked her, tasted her, loved her until she was shaking too much to stand. When she collapsed, he carried her to the bed and placed her on the spread. He removed her bra. She was flushed and panting. Her nipples stood at sharp attention, her fingers curled into her palms.
Parker quickly tugged off his shirt, then reached for the button fly of his jeans. Rational thoughts intruded.
“Tell me you have protection up here,” he said.
She raised her head and focused on him. “What? Oh, no, I don’t. I didn’t think-”
He gave her a quick kiss. “I’ll go get some downstairs. Save my place.” He started for the door.
“Parker, wait.” She rolled toward the nightstand and pulled open the top drawer. “Kiki is very thorough. She might have…Oh, my. I guess she did.” She held up a small box of condoms. “Thank goodness it’s not the jumbo-size container.”
He took them from her and grinned. “Not a multicolored fluorescent one in the bunch.”
“Gee, that’s too bad. I kind of liked it with the lights out.”
He dropped the box on the bed and swooped down to pull her into his arms. “Figures. Next you’ll be wanting me to wear an animal print G-string.”
He rolled onto his back, pulling her on top of him. She straddled him and winked. “Only if it’s a leopard print. That’s my favorite.”
As she laughed, her breasts bounced. He caught his breath at the sight, then reached up to cup her fullness. “Erin, you don’t know what you do to me.”
She arched her head back and moaned as his fingers found her taut nipples. “I have a good idea.” She rocked her hips against him, arousing him to the point of pain.
When they both couldn’t stand it anymore, he pulled off the rest of his clothing and quickly put on the protection. Then she was under him, her legs spread in welcome, her eyes closed, her face flushed. As he entered her, he reached between them and found her place of desire. He rubbed his thumb in time with his thrusts. In a matter of seconds, she was straining against him, then she convulsed into release. Her tight muscles contracted around him, plunging him into ecstasy, bonding him to her as surely as if they’d been handcuffed together.
Erin woke sometime after midnight. She didn’t bother looking at the clock. Time wasn’t important. Her body ached pleasantly from their lovemaking. After the first time, Parker had explored her with his mouth, then she had done the same to him. Now, in the darkness, she could see the faint outline of him next to her under the covers. She could feel his heat and hear his breathing. Her heart swelled.
“If you knew how much I loved you, you would be terrified,” she whispered. “Thank you for tonight. I’ll treasure it always.”
Then she slid out of bed and crossed to the closet. After slipping into her robe, she walked quietly out of the room and across the hall to check on Christie.
Laverne raised her head as she came into the room, stretched, then curled back up and closed her eyes. Erin petted the little dog. At last Christie had her pet. She leaned over and watched her daughter sleep. There was no sign of pain. She adjusted the pillow under the girl’s broken arm, then returned to her own room.
Parker slept on, unaware that she was awake. She studied him as she’d studied Christie, but instead of contentment, she felt confusion.
What happened now? The night was safe, but soon it would be morning. Would he be angry that she’d admitted loving him? Would he feel an obligation? Even if he simply accepted what had occurred, could they go back to being just friends? Could she?
I want more. The voice in her head was very clear. She wanted it all. She wanted to be his best friend and his lover. She wanted to stay with him. She wanted more than a part-time arrangement, or temporary cohabitation because they shared responsibility for a child.
She reached out her hand and grasped thin air. Her dreams had eluded her for years.
Another voice filled her head, this one harsh and mocking. You’ll die waiting for your turn.
Was it true? Would she die waiting for her turn? Waiting had always been her pattern. She closed her eyes against the questions, but that only increased their intensity. She walked to the chair by the window and sat down. Scenes from her past filtered through her mind, long-forgotten memories, snippets of conversation.
Stacey demanding, Erin waiting. High school when they’d both wanted a new dress and there had only been money for one. Or two if they’d sewn them themselves. But Stacey hadn’t wanted to sew hers and Erin had agreed. After Christie was born, withdrawing her application to graduate school. Parker asking why she needed a degree to take pictures. Her guidance counselor telling her teaching was a “safe” profession.
Stalling. Settling. Selling out. Being afraid to try for her dream. Being afraid to fail.
The truth was sharp and ugly. She’d always avoided what she wanted for fear of not being good enough. She’d used her responsibilities to hide from her dreams. If Christie hadn’t come along she probably would have found another way to avoid what she loved most-taking photographs.
She leaned her head against the chair and fought tears. They wouldn’t do her any good now. The question wasn’t how to survive the pain of regret, but what she was going to do now that she’d learned the truth about herself. How was she going to change? She’d spent so long waiting for her time and her turn that she’d lost sight of the real goal. She’d forgotten that life was a journey. She kept waiting for tomorrow, all the while wasting a lifetime of todays.
“Not anymore,” she whispered forcefully. “No more waiting. I’m going to make this my time. I’m going to seize opportunities with both hands. I’m going to risk falling and getting hurt. I’m going to risk failing.” She stood up and walked to the bed. “I’m going to risk loving you,” she told a sleeping Parker. Then she dropped her robe to the floor and crawled in next to him.
Shortly after dawn, Parker walked down the stairs. Erin was still sleeping. They had a lot to talk about, but he figured it could wait until she woke up. The extra time would allow him to plan exactly what he was going to say.
After a quick shower, he was just as confused as he had been before. What was right for Erin and Christie? What was right for him? He knew love was dangerous and unpredictable. Had Erin meant it when she’d used the word last night? If she had, what was the next step?
The smell of coffee drew him to the first floor. He walked into the kitchen and found Kiki cutting up fresh strawberries.
She glanced at him and grinned. “You look as if you haven’t slept much. Is this good not sleeping or bad not sleeping?”
“Define good not sleeping,” he said as he moved to the cupboard and pulled out a mug.
“Good meaning spending the night doing the wild thing?”
“Hmm.” He poured coffee, then sat on one of the tall stools across from Kiki. She continued to cut strawberries into a colander in the sink.
“A noncommittal grunt doesn’t answer the question,” she said.
“I know.”
She winked. “You wouldn’t be so discreet if you’d been up working, so I’m going to assume things went well. Yes?”
He looked at her. The weather was still warm. A pleasant breeze blew in the open kitchen window. Instead of her usual jogging suit, Kiki was dressed in a sleeveless white shirt and tailored blue shorts. She was tanned and healthy. Her face glowed. She was happy. He was miserable. They’d both spent the night having sex. What was wrong with this picture?
He wanted Kiki’s advice. But when he opened his mouth, instead of asking about Erin, he blurted out, “I should have been paying more attention to Christie. I should have kept her safe.”
Kiki put down the small knife and wiped her hands on the towel next to her on the counter. Her blue eyes darkened with compassion.
“I’ve been there, Parker. Guilt is hell. It eats you up inside until there’s nothing left and you want to die.” She glanced at the counter for a moment, then returned her attention to him. Her mouth pulled straight and the lines on her face deepened. “You turned your back for a moment. Every parent does it. We’re not perfect. We love our kids, but we’re still just people who make mistakes.”
“So you’re saying let it go,” he said. “I don’t know if I can. I keep thinking about Robin. If I’d loved her more, maybe she wouldn’t have died. She was afraid I would grow to hate her because of her illness. She sensed my inadequacies.”
“Is that what she told you?”
“Yeah.” He stared at his coffee. “She said I would grow to hate her. It was easier if she died of pneumonia.”
“And you believed her?”
“What? Why would she lie?”
She came around the island and stood next to him, then placed one hand on his shoulder. “Did you ever stop to consider that she was the person who wasn’t strong enough? Maybe she couldn’t face her own disease. Dying gave her a way out.”
“No, it wasn’t her.”
“Can you be sure?” She smiled. “Believe me, I’m intimately familiar with the frailty of the human psyche. I’ve experienced it firsthand. After I lost my son, my world faded to black. I was so depressed I literally didn’t care if I lived or died. It took a lot of hard work and some medical attention to help me want to live again.” She squeezed his shoulder. “You’ve been given a second chance, Parker. Not many of us get those. You’ve got Erin and Christie, now. Don’t blow it.”
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I’ve been thinking about Christie leaving. I don’t want her to go. Erin has dreams. She wants to go to graduate school and study photography. I was thinking about asking her if Christie could stay here permanently.”
“What?”
“I know it will mean more work for you. Having Christie around is more responsibility. I have to work and-” He paused. He wasn’t saying this right.
“Erin isn’t going to give you custody of her daughter.”
“I know. That’s not what I meant. Christie could stay here while Erin went back to college. There are several close by. She could live here on weekends.”
Kiki stepped back and moved around the island. She picked up the knife and grabbed a strawberry. “You know, Parker, for a computer genius, you’re really dumb when it comes to women.”
“I take it that means you don’t approve of my idea.”
She laughed. “Oh, that’s one way of putting it. You’re completely missing the big picture.”
“Which is?”
“First, Erin isn’t going to give up her child. Not even temporarily. She’s not going to let you support her while she goes back to college. Frankly I don’t think she wants to go to college.”
“But-”
“Let me finish.”
“All right.” He sipped his coffee. Maybe talking to Kiki had been a bad idea.
“Second,” she continued, “you’re fooling yourself with all this talk about Erin going to school and wanting to keep Christie around. Of course you care about your daughter. But she’s not the point. You’re in love with Erin and if you think you can let her go, you’re even dumber than I thought. Third-”
But he didn’t hear what was third. Her second point rattled in his brain like the echo of a gunshot. Kiki thought he loved Erin. Loved her? Love?
It couldn’t be true. He knew better. He knew the risks involved. He knew how he could destroy.
But what if Kiki was right? What if he hadn’t been responsible for his wife’s death?
He rose from the stool and headed for the stairs.
“Parker?” Kiki called after him, but he kept on going.
He climbed to the third story and walked into Erin’s room. She was still in bed. As he crossed the floor, she turned and opened her eyes.
“Morning,” she said. “You’re up early.”
She stretched. The sheet slipped, exposing part of one full breast. Heat raced through him and with it the realization that Kiki was right. He couldn’t let Erin go.
He sat on the edge of the bed and stared at her. Her eyes were dark in the dim room. Her mussed hair tumbled across the pillow. She reached up and touched his mouth.
“You’re frowning. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Everything.” He tried to collect his words. “Do you still want to study photography?”
“That’s an odd question.”
“Do you?”
Instead of answering, she slid across the bed and got out on the other side. She walked naked to the closet and returned with a shopping bag. After closing the door and flipping on the light, she upended the bag on the bed.
Hundreds of photographs spilled onto the rumpled sheets. He picked up one at random. It was of an old abandoned barn. The stark light and bright blue sky illuminated every broken board and smashed window. The isolated building looked as if it had been tossed aside without a second thought. Physical pain swept through him as he stared at the picture.
He grabbed another snapshot. Christie smiled up at him. She was caught in a moment of pure joy and he found himself smiling back.
He dug through the pile, looking at photo after photo. All were excellent, some even brilliant in their composition and ability to evoke emotion. Erin was far more gifted than he’d realized.
She pulled on her robe and sat next to him. “What do you think?”
“You deserve the chance to study,” he said slowly. “These are amazing.”
He drew in a deep breath. It would be so simple. Tell her his plan. She could pursue her dream; he would take care of Christie. Everyone would be happy.
He took her hands in his. “Erin.” He paused. Letting her go was the right thing to do. She would be safer without him. He had nothing she wanted or needed.
He stared at her face, then squeezed her fingers. He had the right words now. He could tell her to go.
“Don’t leave me,” he said without thinking. “God, it’s not right or fair to ask you to stay, but I don’t want you to go. Kiki’s right. I am stupid about relationships, but I do know one thing. I love you. I can’t survive without you. But you’re so talented. I don’t want you to give up your dream. You wanted to take classes or-”
She pressed her fingertip to his mouth. Her smile quivered at the corners. “Hush. My dream has always been in my heart. You were right. I’ve been afraid to take pictures. I didn’t need an education. I needed courage. You’ve given me that. You’ve given me back something I’ve always enjoyed. It was never about not having the right training, it was about being willing to expose my vision of the world.”
A single tear slipped out of the corner of her eye. She brushed it away. “Last night I swore I was going to grab on to happiness with both hands, so here goes. I lied to you, Parker. I didn’t just love you for those few hours we were intimate. I’ve loved you for a long time, and I plan to keep on loving you. You don’t have to worry about me leaving, because I’m not going anywhere. We belong together.”
The joy and love tangled together, leaving him breathless with relief. He cupped her face and stared at her familiar features, then pulled her close to him. “You’ll stay?”
“For always.” She reached for the buttons on his shirt and started unfastening them.
He touched her cheek, her shoulders, her breasts, not sure he was going to get everything he’d ever wanted. He was still cautious. The fear lingered, but he knew they could work it out. Later they would talk more about Robin and Stacey, about second chances and taking responsibility. But for now, it was enough to love and be loved.
“You’re sure?” he asked.
She laughed. “Yes, for the first time in my life, I’m very sure.”
Several hours later, they heard a light knock on the door.
“It’s me,” Christie said. “Kiki says I can’t come in yet, but we’re all getting married and going to stay here. We’re going to be a real family.”
Erin snuggled closer. Parker stroked her hair, wondering what he’d done right this time. He didn’t know this much happiness existed in the world.
Then he frowned. “Did I ask you to marry me?”
Erin glanced up at him and smiled. “Not exactly.”
“Will you marry me, Erin? I swear I’ll love you forever.”
She sighed with contentment. “Yes. A thousand times, yes. You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”
“Kiki’s right,” he called to the little girl. “We’re getting married and living together as a family.”
“Goodie!” There was some muffled conversation, then, “I gotta go. The cookies are ready. Bye. Oh, you can’t get married till my cast comes off. I want to wear a pretty dress.”
Her voice faded as the housekeeper ushered her down the hall.
Parker lazily stroked Erin’s breast. “We should probably get up and talk with her.”
Erin rolled onto her back and pulled him down on top of her. “Later,” she murmured against his mouth. “She’s got cookies to eat and we’ve got something of our own to take care of.”
He chuckled and stretched over the side of bed. “Look what I’ve got,” he said, holding up a bright purple condom.
She grinned. “Great. I’ll pull the drapes while you put it on.”
She started to get out of bed, but he tugged her back, trapping her beneath him. He stared at her. “I love you, Erin.”
“I love you. We’re going to be wonderful together.”
“We already are.”