ELISSA TOSSED ASIDE the tiger’s eye she’d been working with. The small stone bounced on the desk and came to a stop by a few freshwater pearls.
Nothing was going the way it should tonight, she thought irritably. She felt more restless than creative. How had everything gotten so out of hand so quickly? Her life used to be relatively simple. Sure, it was a financial struggle, but everything else was fine. Suddenly she was dealing with family and Walker and too many orders for her jewelry. Although based on how Walker had bolted after taking her tire in to be fixed, she had a feeling he was going to be less of an issue in the future.
Which was starting to piss her off. How dare he do that to her and then disappear? It wasn’t polite. It wasn’t reasonable. Why did he get to decide?
Zoe was already in bed, so when Elissa heard Walker drive up, she hurried to her front door and stepped out into the night. She waited until he was nearly at the stairs leading up to his apartment, then said, “I’d like to talk to you.”
He didn’t appear startled, which probably meant he had known she was there all along. Had he planned to just walk past her without stopping?
She motioned to her open front door, then waited until he’d gone inside to follow him. But once they stood facing each other, she suddenly didn’t know what to say.
“How was work?” she asked, feeling stupid.
“Good. Busy. I stopped by to see my grandmother and that always puts things in perspective.”
Gloria Buchanan was not a topic to make Elissa sleep better that night.
“I…I’m sorry you had to come to my parents’,” she said, which wasn’t at all what she’d planned but now seemed appropriate. “It can’t have been comfortable.”
He shrugged. “It wasn’t that big a deal.”
“I hadn’t realized they wouldn’t accept my statement that we were friends. My father admitted he grilled you.”
“It’s a guy thing.”
It was a waste of time. She wasn’t looking and he wasn’t interested. She got that. Well, part of her did. Her body continued to ignore the message.
“Thanks for talking to Zoe,” she said. “I don’t know why I thought I could reconcile with my family and not fight with my mother. It’s scary the way we’ve picked up right where we left off. Shouldn’t the eight years apart have made a difference?”
“It will. Give it time.”
She motioned to the sofa. “Want to sit down?”
She thought he might refuse, but then he surprised her by taking a seat. She sat across from him in the club chair.
“She won’t believe anything good,” Elissa told him. “I explained that while I was with a rock band and even sleeping with a member of the band, I didn’t get into drugs. She’ll accept that I slept around and didn’t mean to get pregnant, but she won’t believe me about the drugs. She kept asking if I was still using and did I want Zoe exposed to that. I hated it.”
“Maybe she’s trying to help.”
“Could she do it in a less annoying way?”
“Maybe she doesn’t know how.”
“I hate it when you’re reasonable.” But this wasn’t what she wanted to talk about. “Why did you do it?”
He drew in a deep breath. “Can’t you accept it and let it go?”
“Not really.” She opened her mouth, then closed it. “I don’t know what to think. We’re neighbors and you’ve been great. You’ve helped me and Mrs. Ford, and Zoe likes you. I know you’re worried about getting too close to her and I appreciate that. You’ve made it clear you’re not interested in anything with me and I have a plan to avoid men for another thirteen years, so I’m okay with that. But something has happened here and not talking about it isn’t going to make it go away.”
“Are you angry? Do you want me to apologize?”
“No to both. I just want to know why.”
He was quiet for so long, she began to think he wouldn’t answer. She had the feeling he was going to simply walk out and she would never see him again.
But finally he said, “I didn’t plan on leaving the Marines when I did. I was going to stay in until they kicked me out because I was too old. But one day I woke up and I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t kill, I couldn’t send men off to die. There was already too much blood. So I left and I came home. Only there isn’t a home anymore. I have my brothers and Dani, I have money, but there’s nothing else. Nothing permanent.”
His emptiness burned her with an aching cold.
“I do it on purpose,” he continued. “I stay away, disconnected. It’s my choice. But sometimes there are temptations I can’t resist. Like you.”
Elissa thought of herself as many things, but never a temptation. “Me?” she squeaked.
He shrugged. “The way you move, the way you smell, how you never give up. I knew better but I wasn’t willing to act on that. I made love to you because I needed to, Elissa. I needed to kiss you and touch you. I wanted to know what you felt like. How you tasted.”
She felt herself blushing and getting aroused. His words were as powerful as his touch had been.
“Then why did you stop there?” she asked.
“Have you ever been in love?”
The question came out of nowhere. “I…No. I thought I loved Neil, but I loved what I wanted him to be.”
“I have. Once.”
Unexpected pain cut through her. Something dark tightened her chest. “Who is she?”
“Her name was Charlotte and she was my high school girlfriend. I took one look at her and knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with her.”
Elissa got a bad feeling inside. She wanted to stop him talking, but at the same time she was desperate to know what had happened between them.
“She transferred in my junior year of high school,” he continued. “She was beautiful. Tall with red hair and the biggest green eyes I’d ever seen. I introduced myself and I guess she felt it, too, because we were together every minute after that.”
“Sounds nice,” Elissa managed through a very dry throat.
“It was. I knew she was the woman I was supposed to marry. We decided to go to college in California together and then get married after graduation. I never had to propose, we both just knew. We were each other’s first time, the night she turned seventeen.”
Elissa had to force herself to sit still. She wanted to curl up in a ball and press her hands to her ears. She wanted to order him out of her apartment and demand he never return.
Instead she listened.
“One afternoon when we were making love, I felt something in her breast. It hadn’t been there before. I told her and she told her mom and she went to the doctor. It was cancer. Breast cancer.”
Elissa blinked. “But she was too young.”
“That’s what we all thought. But there are about five hundred cases every year in women under twenty. Charlotte was one of them.” He shifted so he sat on the edge of the sofa and rested his elbows on his knees.
“She had a lumpectomy. Because she was so young, the doctors didn’t want to take her breast. No one knew, except me. I remember walking next to her in the hallways, careful to keep on the side where she’d had her surgery so no one would bump her. I remember how she cried the first time we made love afterward, how she was afraid I wouldn’t still love her and how long it took for her to believe that I would never stop.”
Elissa drew in a shaky breath. She didn’t know what to think, what to feel. The knot in her gut told her the story wouldn’t end well.
“It came back,” he said flatly. “By April of our senior year they realized their mistake in treating the cancer so conservatively. It was back and it was everywhere. She was given less than six months to live.”
He stared at the floor. “She couldn’t tell me herself. She had her mother do it. I was scared, so scared. I didn’t want to believe it and then I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t watch Charlotte die. She knew it, too. When I went to go see her, she saw it in my eyes. She cried and I cried and she told me to go away and never come back.”
“But why? To spare you?”
He nodded. “I knew she needed me. I knew she wanted me to stay. But I pretended her words made it okay and I ran.” He raised his head and looked at her. “I told everyone I went into the Marines to screw with Gloria, but that’s not true. I went in because I couldn’t stand to watch Charlotte die. I disappeared the day after graduation. I never called, I didn’t leave a note. I just walked out on her.”
Elissa hadn’t seen that coming. She stiffened in surprise.
“Her mother called me,” he said. “She begged me to come home. She said Charlotte needed me. It would just be for a few more weeks. That this was her baby and she would do anything to convince me. She asked for herself. Charlotte never said a word. I joined the Marines and went to boot camp.”
“When did she die?” Elissa asked softly.
“August. She wrote me a letter saying she loved me and knew I loved her. I couldn’t bring myself to read it for a year. I never saw her family again. They moved away.”
He stood and moved toward the door. “That’s who I am, Elissa. I’m the guy who couldn’t be there for the woman I loved. I would have died for her, but I didn’t have the balls to watch her die. Don’t trust me with anything important because there are better than even odds I’m going to let you down.”
He stepped out into the night and was gone.
Elissa let him go. She sat alone in her living room and cried. Whether it was for herself, Walker or a brave young woman who had faced too much too early, she couldn’t say.
“WE’RE HAVING an intervention,” Mindy said the following Tuesday when she, Elissa and Ashley had locked the front door of the diner. Frank had already left to go to the bank and the cleaning crew wouldn’t be there until later, so it was just the three of them.
“For who?” Elissa asked, although she had a good idea.
“You.”
Ashley nudged her onto a stool at the counter, then crossed to the ice-cream freezer and grabbed a scoop.
“You’re not yourself,” Ashley said. “It’s been coming on for a while, but in the past couple of days, something’s gone very bad.”
Elissa winced. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it so obvious.”
“And yet you did,” Mindy said with a grin. “Come on. You know we love you. Tell us what’s wrong.”
Elissa hesitated more because she didn’t know where to start than because she felt like keeping secrets.
“It’s that guy,” Ashley said. “Isn’t it?”
“Partly. It’s also about my family. My parents. They live here in Seattle.”
Both women stared at her openmouthed.
One of the things Elissa had liked best about working here was the lack of questions about her past. It was understood that everyone had secrets and they weren’t expected to share them. Now she gave her friends the Cliff Notes version of her past, starting with her running away and finishing with her Sunday-morning visit with her folks.
“I don’t know what I think about any of it,” she admitted. “I’m confused. On the one hand, it’s nice to have family again, but on the other, I don’t know. Now they know I’m here and we’re involved and I’m the one who ran away so why am I so angry with them?”
Mindy moved next to her and gave her a hug. “Because they went on to have lives that didn’t include you. Because they didn’t suffer enough.”
Elissa had a feeling she was right. “I hate thinking that. It’s shallow and selfish.”
“It’s human. You went away and the world went on. Look how much you changed. They changed, too. It’s going to take time to figure out this new relationship.”
Elissa nodded, then accepted the chocolate milk shake Ashley passed her. “I’m just so confused. It’s not just them. It’s Walker.”
Ashley and Mindy exchanged a glance. “I knew it had to be a guy,” Mindy said. “He seemed the likely candidate.” She dipped a spoon into her milk shake. “He’s good-looking, has money and is single. What’s the problem?”
“I would just like to make it clear that this is a theoretical discussion. I’m not actually interested in a relationship.”
Ashley rolled her eyes. “Of course you’re not.”
Elissa ignored that. “He’s emotionally unavailable. He’s told me and told me and now I’m thinking maybe he’s telling the truth.”
“If you don’t want a relationship, that matters why?” Ashley asked.
Elissa winced. “Did I say theoretical?”
“I don’t think it’s a theory anymore,” Mindy told her. “Do you?”
Elissa didn’t know how to answer. A week ago she might have admitted interest. But now…
Hearing about Charlotte had changed everything. He’d abandoned the one person he claimed to love. That scared her.
“I want someone who’s going to be there,” she said slowly, more to herself than them. “I’ve done the narcissistic, self-absorbed guy relationships already. I don’t want that. I want…”
“You want it all,” Mindy said with a sigh.
“Don’t we all?” Ashley said. “Someone who makes us laugh, who is supportive and willing to be there through the tough stuff. Why is that so hard to find? I’m willing to do the same for the guy in my life.” She sipped her milk shake. “Is it guys or is it us?”
“It’s a pain in the ass,” Mindy said. She looked at Elissa. “How bad is it? Are you completely in love with him or can you still escape, emotionally I mean?”
Elissa dropped her spoon into the glass. She felt her eyes widen and her mouth drop open. “I am not in love with him.”
“Uh-huh.” Mindy shook her head. “Whatever you do, don’t sleep with him. Women tend to bond when they do that. I hate it, but it’s true. God knows when I sleep with a guy, everything changes. I think it’s hormones-some biological need to mate. I read about it once. Whatever it is, avoid it.” She frowned. “You haven’t slept with him, have you?”
“Of course not,” Elissa said hotly, confident that what they had done didn’t count. At least not technically.
“I told you,” she continued, “I’m not getting involved.”
Ashley smiled. “I hate to be the one to break the news, but you are involved and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. You’re going to have to deal with it, and him.”
“There is no us. There’s barely a him,” Elissa insisted.
“Keep saying that,” Mindy told her. “Maybe one day it will be true.”
WALKER PARKED IN FRONT of The Waterfront. The restaurant wouldn’t open for several hours, but he was there for a meeting with the new general manager.
As he stepped out of his SUV, his cell phone rang.
“Buchanan,” he said.
“Hi, it’s Vicki. I’m sorry to bother you but you had a call from a gentleman named Bob Rickman. He says you’ll know who he is.” She read off the number.
“I’ll take care of it,” he said and hung up. He hadn’t talked to Bob in a couple of years, not since he’d left the Corps to start his own security company.
Walker punched in the number and asked for his friend. He was put through immediately.
“I heard you were out,” Bob said, his voice hearty and loud. “I thought you’d be in until they carted you away in a box.”
“Me, too, but things changed.”
“Apparently. Hey, what are you doing with yourself?”
“Running the family business.”
Bob laughed. “That won’t last. I have a better offer. I’m expanding, Walker, and I need good people. People like you. I’m talking big bucks and international security in some pretty dangerous places. Long hours with plenty of compensation. Island vacations, hot-and-cold running babes, you name it. You could make a fortune working for me.”
“Or get dead,” Walker said easily. Death was the downside. The upside was when he saw men with guns, they would be real.
Bob laughed. “Sure, nothing’s free, but you’re smart. You know how to keep your head down. Besides, it’s not as if you’re going to make it where you are. Come on, Walker. I know guys like you. Hell, I used to be one. The civilian world is all well and good, but we’re not like them. We live on the edge. This is where you belong.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Don’t say no,” Bob told him. “Think about my offer. You have my number.”
“I’m not going to change my mind.”
“Give it time. You’ll get bored and I’ll be waiting.”
Walker disconnected the call. Maybe Bob was right-maybe he never would fit in here, but he wasn’t going back.
He crossed the walkway and entered the restaurant. It was cool and dark inside. He could smell garlic and something simmering that made his mouth water.
But instead of thinking about food, he found himself thinking about Elissa. He hadn’t seen her in several days, and he didn’t expect to for a long time. Not after what he’d told her. Now that she knew the truth, he understood she would want to keep her distance from him.
He made his way to Dani’s office. The door was partially closed. He pushed it open without knocking and saw his baby sister locked in the arms of the new general manager.
“I must be early for our meeting,” he said wryly as they both turned to stare at him.
“Sorry,” Dani said with a grin as she stepped away from Ryan.
Walker ignored his sister and kept his attention on the other man. Ryan straightened and offered his hand.
“Walker,” he said.
“Ryan.”
They shook. Walker wanted to squeeze until he heard bones pop, but he resisted the momentary pleasure.
Ryan and Dani exchanged a glance. “It’ll be okay,” she told him. “Give me a minute.”
Ryan nodded and left her office. Dani turned to Walker.
“Don’t yell at him.”
“Interesting behavior.”
Her humor faded. “I mean it, Walker. Okay, yes, you’re right. This isn’t something we should be doing at work, but we were and so what? It doesn’t hurt anyone.” She paused and her smile returned. “I like him. He thinks I’m sexy and after what happened with Hugh, I deserve that.”
He could have resisted almost anything but Dani’s smile. “Is it going anywhere?”
“I don’t know. I want to say yes, but we haven’t known each other for very long and I’m still going through my divorce. So I’m not sure. But given my choice, I’d want it to be.”
“Don’t get hurt,” he told her.
“I won’t. This time I’m keeping my heart out of play until I’m sure. But what we’re doing is really nice.”
“I don’t want details.”
“Are you sure?”
“Oh, yeah.”
It was good to see Dani happy again. Hugh had been a real bastard, first asking for a divorce-after Dani had nursed him and supported him for ten years-then blaming the breakup on Dani. That was bad enough, but finding out he was cheating on her, as well, had made things really tough.
“I should let you get to your meeting,” she said.
“It should be your meeting.”
“No, I don’t want the job. I mean it,” she told him. “When Penny’s back, I’m leaving. Right now it’s fun to thumb my nose at Gloria. I know it makes her crazy to have me here, but eventually, I’m going to want to get back to my actual career.”
“Anything I can do to help?”
“Not at the moment. You’ll always be there for me. I appreciate that.” She smiled. “Don’t get mad at Ryan for being involved with me. It’s not his fault. I’m just too darned irresistible.”
SATURDAY MORNING ELISSA checked Zoe’s small suitcase three times.
“I have everything,” her daughter told her patiently.
“I know. I just want to be sure.” Elissa ignored the fact that anything forgotten could be delivered in less than thirty minutes-much like a pizza. “You’re going to have a good time,” she said, much more for herself than for Zoe.
“I know.” Her daughter beamed. “Grandma and Grandpa are taking me to the zoo this afternoon. And we’re making cookies and then we’re watching TV tonight. It’s gonna be really, really fun.”
“It is.”
Elissa had been looking forward to the time alone. She could use it to work on inventory for the craft show. But now that it was actually time for Zoe to leave, she didn’t want her to go.
“This is your first sleepover,” she said. “It might seem strange at first.”
“Mommy, I’m five. I can do this.”
Before Elissa could answer, her mother pulled up. Zoe ran to the front door and flung it open.
“I’m ready,” she called.
Elissa moved more slowly, trying to think up excuses to keep Zoe home. Unfortunately, nothing came to her.
She walked to the open door and smiled. “Hi, Mom.”
“Hi, girls.” Her mother turned to Zoe. “Are you ready?”
“Uh-huh. I’m packed. I even brought my sleep teddy.”
“Good for you.”
Elissa picked up her suitcase and then put it down. “It’s her first time away from home,” she said. “She’s only five.”
“She’ll be fine. Don’t worry. I’ve raised children of my own.”
“I know. It’s just…”
Her mother waited patiently, but Elissa couldn’t say what it was. So she shrugged and carried Zoe’s suitcase to the car.
Zoe followed with her worn bear and placed it carefully on the backseat. Then she ran back to the house.
“I’m going to say goodbye to Mrs. Ford,” she yelled.
“Okay.” Elissa crossed her arms over her chest and waited until Zoe disappeared into the house before turning to her mother. “She likes a glass of water before bed. Not a big one, or she’ll have to get up. And sometimes she doesn’t eat all her dinner, which is fine. I never make her finish it.”
“I know all this,” her mother said. “It’s what I did with you.”
“Okay. Right.” Elissa couldn’t shake her feeling of dread. “Look, I think it’s too soon. Zoe’s too young and we need more time for her to get to know you.”
Her mother’s hazel eyes narrowed. “More time? You mean the time I would have had if you’d come home when you’d found out you were pregnant? The time I would have had if you’d never run away in the first place?”
Elissa took a step back. “What?”
“I’ve done my best to be patient and understanding,” her mother said in a low angry voice. “But don’t push me, Elissa. I’m hanging on by a thread.”
“You’re hanging on? What have you got to be upset about?”
“What? How about the fact that my daughter disappeared for eight years? Eight years. We didn’t know if you were dead or alive. One day you were simply gone. Do you have any idea what that was like? Do you know how many nights I waited, desperate for a phone call or any word at all, yet terrified of what it would be? I half expected them to find your body. But they didn’t and in a way the not knowing was worse.”
Her mother’s voice was heavy with emotion and she looked as if she were going to cry at any moment. At that point, Elissa didn’t much care. It was all she could do to ward off the unexpected attack.
“All this time you were fine,” her mother continued. “Completely and totally fine and you couldn’t be bothered to let us know. Do you know not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about you, prayed for you, wondered where you were and what you were doing? Do you know what your incredibly selfish disappearance did to our family? To your brother? He lost his childhood. We were so busy looking for you that we couldn’t spend time with him.”
“I called,” Elissa said quietly, unable to deal with her mother dumping on her this way.
“Talking to a thirteen-year-old boy doesn’t count,” her mother yelled. “Why didn’t you talk to me or your father? Why didn’t you call back? Do you know the pain you caused us? Do you know what it was like to take your picture to the police, to put up posters, to offer a reward? Do you know that they told us you were probably dead and that we should try to get on with our lives?
“I could have forgiven you,” her mother said. “With time. But you have a child, Elissa. You know what it’s like to love a baby, to hold her in your arms. You know how big that love is and how it never goes away. You knew and you still didn’t call me. You still left me in pain.”
Something inside of Elissa burst open and years of pain flew out.
“You stopped looking,” she screamed back. “You stopped looking! I’ve been here for five years and it took that same teenage boy to find me. I was right here but you had already stopped looking. You stopped caring. You went on with your life. I would never stop looking for Zoe. Never!”
Her mother stared at her. “You say that now, not understanding what I’ve been through. Do you know why I stopped? I had to. I had a breakdown. Your father came home one day and found me curled up in the corner. I couldn’t deal with losing you anymore. So I went away and they medicated me and I learned not to hurt so much.”
“By giving up,” Elissa said bitterly. Her worst fears had been confirmed. She wasn’t sure whom she hated more-herself for making this all happen or her mother for not being strong enough to keep looking no matter what.
Her mother’s mouth tightened. “You’re right. I gave up.”
Zoe bounced through the front door and ran toward the car. “I’m ready,” she yelled.
“I’ll have her back tomorrow by six,” Elissa’s mother said, then she helped Zoe into the car and fastened the seat belt.
Elissa felt as if she’d been hit with a steel beam. Even her bones hurt. Emotionally, she was an open, raw wound. She could barely wave back when Zoe called “Goodbye.”
The small Lexus backed out of the driveway, then drove down the street. Elissa felt herself begin to tremble. Her muscles gave way and she would have fallen, except for a strong pair of arms that caught her.
She recognized the scent and feel of the man, even as he picked her up and carried her into her apartment. When Walker put her gently on the sofa, she allowed herself to lean against him.
“You heard,” she whispered.
“The whole block heard.”
“I live to entertain my neighbors.”
“You’ve been pretty quiet to date. I think you were due.”
She tried to smile, but couldn’t. Then she raised her face and stared into his dark eyes. “Why does it hurt so much?”
“Because life’s a bitch.”
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it better.”
And then the man who had warned her he couldn’t be trusted bent his head and kissed her.