Of course, you're right. Holt would see to Suzanna and all the children right away. And all Baxter wanted to do in any case was frighten me.
Did he?
Her eyes were still wet, but they were steady.
No. He hurt me, and he infuriated me,
and he made me sick that I'd ever let him touch me. But he didn't frighten me. He can't.
Attagirl.
She sniffled, smiled weakly.
But I frightened him. That's why he came here today, after all this time. Because he's frightened.
Of what?
Of the past, the consequences.
She drew another, deeper breath and smelted Nathaniel tobacco and salt spray. How oddly comforting it was.
He thinks our
coming here is some sort of plot against him. He's been keeping track of me all this time. I didn't know.
He's never contacted you until today?
No, never. I suppose he felt safe when I was in Oklahoma and hadn't any connection with Suzanna. Now, not only is there a connection, but I'm living here.
And Kevin and Alex and Jenny... Well, he doesn't seem to understand it has nothing to do with him.
She picked up her tea again. Nathaniel hadn't asked anything, he'd simply sat and held her hand. Perhaps that was why she felt compelled to tell him.
I met him in New York. I was seventeen, and it was my first real trip away from home. It was during the winter break, and several of us went. One of my friends had relatives there. I guess you've been to New York.
A time or two.
I'd never experienced anything like it. The people, the buildings. The city was so exciting, and so unlike the West. Everything crowded in and colorful. I loved it rushing along Fifth Avenue, having coffee in some hole-in-the wall in Greenwich Village. Gawking. It sounds silly.
No, it sounds normal.
I guess it was,
she said with a sigh.
Everything was normal, and simple, before...
It was at this party, and he looked so handsome and romantic, I suppose. A young girl's dream, with those movie-star looks and that sheen of sophistication. And he was older just enough older to be fascinating. He'd been to Europe.
She stopped
herself, squeezed her eyes shut.
Oh, God, how pathetic.
You know you don't have to do this now, Meg.
No, I think I do.
Steadying herself, she opened her eyes again.
If you can stand
listening to it.
I'm not going anywhere.
He gave her hand a comforting squeeze.
Go ahead, then,
get rid of it.
He said all the right things, made all the right moves. He sent a dozen roses the next day, and an invitation to dinner.
She paused to choose her words and pushed absently at a pin that had loosened in her hair. It wasn't so horrible, she realized, to look back. It seemed almost like a play, with her as both actor and audience. Vitally involved and breezily detached.
So I went. There was candlelight, and we danced. I felt so grown-up. I think you only really feel that way when you're seventeen. We went to museums and window-shopping and to shows. He told me he loved me, and he bought me a ring.
It had two little diamond hearts, interconnected. It was very romantic. He slipped it on my finger, and I slipped into his bed.
She stopped, waited for Nathaniel to comment. When he didn't, she worked up the courage to continue.
He said he would come to Oklahoma, and we'd make our plans for the future. But, of course, he didn't come. At first, when I called, he said he'd been delayed. Then he stopped answering my calls altogether. I found out I was pregnant, and I called, I wrote. Then I heard that he was engaged, that he'd been engaged all along. At first I didn't believe it, then I just went numb. It took me a while before I made myself believe it, made myself understand and deal with it. My family was wonderful. I never would have gotten through it without them. When Kevin was born, I realized I couldn't just feel grown-up. I had to
be
grown-up. Later on, I tried to contact Bax one last time. I thought he should know about Kevin, and that Kevin should have some sort of relationship with his father. But...
She trailed off.
When there was ab
solutely no interest, only anger and hostility, I began to understand that it was best that that didn't happen. Today, maybe for the first time, I was absolutely sure of it.
He doesn't deserve either of you.