20
jonquinette
It was Monday and time for my next appointment. For some reason, it felt like I was floating on air as I made my way down the hallway to Dr. Spencer’s office. Mason had changed me for the better and I was determined to improve my situation even further. No matter what it took, I was going to find an inner peace.
“Did I ever tell you how I found out about you?” I asked Marcella after I was seated on her chaise lounge.
“No, how?” she replied. “I would guess that someone referred you but I don’t often ask who.”
“Zoe Reynard suggested that I contact you.”
A huge grin came across her face, like I had mentioned her best friend or something. “Aw, Zoe. She’s wonderful, isn’t she?”
“From what I’ve seen, yes, she is.”
“If you don’t mind my asking, how do you know Zoe?”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to go there. Then again, I was paying to see a psychiatrist so if I couldn’t tell her everything, who could I tell? “I don’t really know her. She’s very active in these meetings I used to attend.”
“I assume you mean the sexual addiction meetings at the hospital,” Marcella said.
“Yes.”
“When you say used to, does that mean you no longer go to them?”
“I haven’t been for the last few weeks.”
“Any particular reason?”
I took a deep breath. “For one thing, I’m not sure I’m addicted to sex. I mean, I’ve never had sex to my knowledge. I was just baffled and had no idea where to turn. Then one day I saw this ad in the local community paper about various support groups at the hospital. On an impulse, I checked out their website and sure enough, they had something for people with sexual troubles.”
“Well, I’m just glad that you decided to give me an opportunity. A one-on-one situation is probably healthier for you anyway.”
“That’s an understatement.” I chuckled. “I attended those meetings week after week and never said a word.”
Marcella apparently didn’t find it comical. She just said, “Then this is definitely best for you.”
“Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I came to find you.” There was a pregnant pause before I added excitedly, “I have some news.”
Marcella sat up taller in her chair. “Okay, I’m listening.”
“I have this new neighbor. His name’s Mason,” I said with a grin.
“You’re blushing.” Marcella stood up and came around the desk. She sat on the edge closer to me and asked, “Does that mean there’s some interest there?”
I quickly admitted, “A whole lot of interest, but this is a totally new thing for me. As you know, I’ve never had a boyfriend or anything like that.”
“Then it’s about time you see what having one feels like.”
“Do you really think that’s wise?” I asked. “I mean, under my current circumstances. What if—”
Marcella read me like a book. “You’re afraid that someone else might end up dating him instead, right?”
It had become painfully evident to me that I was not alone in my body. I couldn’t be. And while it was frightening to think that someone else controlled my actions, it was more frightening to allow it to continue without trying to do something to stop them.
“Right,” I said. “I’ve thought long and hard about what you said and it’s the only thing that makes sense.”
“I’m glad you realize that,” Marcella said.
“So what do I do and where do I go from here?”
Marcella seemed lost in deep thought for a moment. “Have you given any more thought to contacting your father?”
“Why did you bring him up?” I asked, even though I had indeed thought a lot about it.
“Sometimes people from our past can help us put together the pieces. You said your mother refuses to face facts but that your father always suspected something.”
I shook my head in dismay. “I still don’t understand what happened the night he got kicked out the house. It was one of those days when I simply wasn’t there. I had blacked out completely and on Thanksgiving Day, no less.”
“Thanksgiving?”
“Yes.” I closed my eyes so I could recall the bad memories. “From what I’ve been able to piece together, a hooker showed up at the family dinner claiming that my father had been paying her for sexual favors for months. She also told everyone she was pregnant.”
“Oh my! Was it true?” Marcella gasped.
“He denied it all,” I replied. “The funny thing is, I just can’t imagine my father doing something like that, especially with a hooker.”
“But why would someone just show up and say that unless it was true?”
“That is something that will probably boggle my mind forever. My mother has never gotten over it. She thinks that by dating a bunch of other men, it will make her feel like more of a woman. Having someone trashy show up claiming to be his side action really messed with her self-esteem. She’s been trying to get it back ever since.”
“It sounds like she might need some counseling as well.”
As ugly as my own situation was, even I couldn’t help but laugh at that one. “Momma definitely needs some help.”
“Do you think your mother would consider attending some sessions here with you?”
I snickered at the mere thought. “Not in this lifetime.”
“What about your father?” Marcella asked me.
“Quite honestly, I have no idea. My father might have finally written me off by now. If I were him, I would.”
“But you’re not him,” Marcella reminded me. “You should at least call him.”
“I’ve never stopped loving him,” I whispered. Then I looked Marcella in the eyes. “A phone call might not do it. Maybe I’ll go see him.”