39
jonquinette
After I was filled in on what had happened when Jude took over in Marcella’s office, I couldn’t find any words to express my feelings. I heard the tape, which cut off at the point where Jetta decided it would be cut off. Jetta? Things were getting more confusing by the second. But I wasn’t so much shocked about Jetta as I was about what she had accused Daddy of doing. In fact, I tried to defend him but he admitted that he had molested me as a child.
He said that his father had molested him, which is why he never took me to visit my paternal grandparents. After the Thanksgiving Day fiasco, Daddy came to the conclusion that he deserved to be alone and that karma had caught up to him. He returned to North Carolina and reopened his father’s auto repair shop as a means to punish himself for his own sins. A constant reminder of his sins would be his fate.
Marcella, Momma, and I listened intently as he described everything he had been through. He said it was a vicious cycle because his father, my grandfather, had been molested by his own uncle as a child. I still couldn’t imagine not remembering the things my father related in that therapy session. How he would do things to me when Momma wasn’t around, mostly when she was out spending money on things we didn’t need.
Marcella explained that Jetta had taken the abuse for me and Jude had become my protector, even though Jude never knew about the abuse. She also speculated that while she rarely made an appearance, Jetta was the one who really controlled things. She prevented Jude from making me completely disappear.
My main concern wasn’t even for me but for Flower. Daddy assured me that he hadn’t molested her but admitted that he had experienced some urges. Marcella told him that he had no choice but to come clean with Allison, Flower’s mother. She told him that there was always the chance that he would relapse in a moment of weakness and shatter yet another young life.
Needless to say, Momma called the wedding off. She left, stating that she was catching a cab home so she could take a tranquilizer and lie down. I told her that I would come by later to check on her. I couldn’t take any more for one day either. I told Daddy and Marcella that I had to leave. Marcella asked Daddy to stay behind so they could talk.
I also caught a cab home since Daddy had driven to Marcella’s office. When I arrived, Mason was just returning home from work. He saw me get out of the cab and must have been able to tell that I had been to hell and back. He came to me and I collapsed into his arms in tears.
Mason and I spent the next few hours talking about everything that had been revealed earlier that day. As usual, he wasn’t judgmental at all. On the contrary, he cried when I told him about Daddy and the pedophilia. He also expressed concern for Flower and I told him that I would go to my grave protecting her, if I had to. In fact, I planned to call her mother the next day and tell her everything myself. I didn’t want to risk leaving it up to Daddy.
Mason pampered me by running me a bath and giving me a deep tissue massage afterward. I was steadily learning that he was a man of many talents. Mason made love to me slowly from behind up against my bedroom wall—so passionately that I wept, because I couldn’t imagine him still wanting me after finding out yet something else devastating about my past.
It was late when I had Mason drop me off at Momma’s condo, close to two in the morning. I used my key and entered without knocking. She was knocked out in her bed and I stood over her for a moment, listening to make sure she was still breathing. For a second, I was scared that she had taken an overdose. That, I would not have been able to handle.
I climbed into bed and took her into my arms. She woke up, saw me, and asked, “Is it you, Jonquinette?”
It was a shame that she had to ask. “Yes, it’s me, Momma. Get some rest.”
We both fell into a much-needed sleep.
The next morning, Daddy was banging on the door by nine. He was taken aback when I answered instead of Momma. His eyes fell to the carpeted hallway. “Jonquinette, I’m so sorry, baby. How can I ever make it up to you?”
“You can’t.” I turned and he followed me into the living room. “Momma’s still sleeping and I have no intention of waking her up. The longer she stays asleep, the longer she doesn’t have to deal with reality.” I rolled my eyes at him and sat down. “I guess I’m an expert at that, huh? Falling asleep, or rather letting someone else take over, so I don’t have to deal with reality.”
Daddy sat down across from me. “I just wanted to come by to say that I’m leaving today. I planned to stop by your place next.”
“Well, now you don’t have to waste a trip,” I stated sarcastically. Then I caught myself. “Daddy, I won’t pretend that I’m not angry. That would be nothing but a performance. I am angry but, at the same time, I understand that you are just as much a victim as me.”
“That’s still no excuse,” Daddy said. “I hurt you and that’s unforgivable.”
“In time, I hope that I can forgive you, but I know that I’ll never forget. At least, now that I know.”
We sat there in an uncomfortable silence for a moment.
“Daddy, I want you to know that I plan to call Allison sometime today and tell her everything.”
“Please, let me do it,” he stated in a desperate tone. “I should be the one to tell her.”
“Maybe, but I have the right to tell her. I have to make sure that nothing happens to Flower. While you mean well, I have to do this so that I have peace of mind.”
He nodded. “I understand, Jonquinette.”
“I’m glad that you do.”
“Can we still spend time together?” he asked. “We lost so many years. All I want is a chance to get to know you again.”
I shook my head and sighed. “Daddy, I need to get through this first before I can answer that. I thought about it long and hard last night and I think being in constant contact with you would hinder my healing process. We both need to heal separately before we can heal together.”
“Marcella alluded to the same thing after you and Meredith left her office yesterday. She gave me the contact information for several doctors in North Carolina. I plan to find one who can see me immediately.”
“That’s a wonderful thing.” I stood back up. “Daddy, I don’t mean to be rude but I can’t think of anything else to say to you right now.” I glanced at the bedroom door. “Plus, I don’t think it would be wise for you to be here when Momma wakes up.”
He stood and headed for the door. “I agree.” When he got to the doorway, he turned and said, “Would it be too much if I asked for a hug? Just in case it’s the last one.”
I hesitated at first and then embraced him tightly. “Good-bye, Daddy.”
When he let go of me, I spotted a tear in the corner of his right eye. “Good-bye, Jonquinette.”
I watched him saunter down the hallway and closed the door as he pushed the call button for the elevator.