London
Elizabeth Bennet wrapped the cloak tightly around little Emily, bending down with a smile as she straightened it.
“There! I believe you are ready.”
“Thank you. I am sorry I dawdled and needed you to help me get ready.” She looked up at Elizabeth with pleading blue eyes. “Will you not join us this morning, Miss Bennet? Why do you never attend church services with us?”
Elizabeth took the little girl’s hands in her own. “You ask me that every week, and every week I tell you. Your mother and father have been so kind to me that on Sundays I am free from my duties so I may visit my family. I accompany my sister, Jane, and my aunt and uncle and little cousins to the church they attend in their neighbourhood.”
The little girl pouted. “But today is Easter! I do not know why you cannot spend the day with us.”
Elizabeth patted Emily’s head. “You have me for six days a week. I would think that you would prefer to have one day without me. Besides, when we are in the country this summer, I shall be with you every day. I dare say you will tire of me then and wish to have some time away from me!”
Before the little girl could respond, her mother called from downstairs. “Emily, we are about to leave. Are you ready?”
Emily looked toward the door, then sadly back at Elizabeth. “I think I would enjoy church much better if you were there with me.”
“That means a great deal to me, Emily. And one day I shall join you, but not today. Now walk downstairs like the little lady you are. I will be late if I do not hasten and get myself ready.” Elizabeth smiled and shook her head as she watched her ward turn and skip down the stairs.
Each week Emily’s plea was the same, but Elizabeth knew that once Emily was with her parents, she would be all but forgotten.
As Sunday was her day off, normally Elizabeth did not have any responsibilities with Emily. Today, however, the young girl needed some additional help readying herself, so Elizabeth gladly assisted her. With that task now behind her, Elizabeth could look forward to her day with her family. She would accompany them to church and then visit with them throughout the afternoon and evening. This was the highlight of her week. For the remainder of the week she was governess to six-year-old Emily Willstone.
Elizabeth hurried to ready herself. She knew her uncle’s carriage would arrive shortly, and she did not wish to be late. When she was finished dressing, she looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes took in the grey dress she wore and how pale her face appeared. It was one of two grey dresses she owned and wore while in half-mourning. She also had two black dresses that had been her complete wardrobe for her days of full-mourning. She still had a little over a month of mourning remaining and she wondered whether she could ever go back to wearing colours again. Her grief was still as fresh and strong as it had been the day her father died.
In the waning of spring last year, just as the days were growing in length and warmth, Mr. Bennet was unexpectedly taken from them. A trip Elizabeth had planned to take with the Gardiners up north was cancelled. Her youngest sister, Lydia, was sent home from Brighton, where she had been staying as a guest of Colonel Forster and his wife. Jane’s loss of Charles Bingley’s affections was now swallowed up in the loss of her father. The family grieved together and consoled one another. Elizabeth, being the one who had the strength of character, was the one everyone turned to, yet it was she who suffered the deepest grief in the loss of her father.
While Elizabeth tried to encourage everyone to be strong, there was an underlying uncertainty that each of the Bennet ladies shared. With Longbourn entailed away to their cousin, Mr. Collins, he now had every right to claim it as his own. Whenever Mrs. Bennet brought up the dreaded subject, Elizabeth and Jane would do their best to assuage her fears that they would not be left homeless and destitute.
As was feared, however, several months following Mr. Bennet’s death, the Collinses sent notice that they would indeed be moving to Longbourn at the beginning of the new year. Charlotte Collins, Elizabeth’s good friend, assured the family that they could remain in their home as long as they required, but Elizabeth knew she could never live at Longbourn when it was no longer theirs, and neither could she live under the same roof as Mr. Collins.
With strong urging from Elizabeth, Mrs. Bennet moved into the nearby village of Meryton with her sister and husband, Mr. and Mrs. Phillips. She brought her three youngest daughters to live with them. The Phillips’s children were grown and married, and the couple was able to take the Bennet ladies into their home, although there was not as much ample space as they had enjoyed at Longbourn.
Elizabeth suggested early on that Jane move to London with Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner, their mother’s brother and wife, as governess for the Gardiners’ four children. Jane was delighted when Elizabeth herself secured employment as a governess for a family in London. With this arrangement, the two close sisters could still occasionally visit.
The Willstones, the family for whom Elizabeth worked, hired her when it became apparent to them in their initial meeting that she and six-year-old Emily seemed to get along quite nicely. Despite Elizabeth’s lack of formal education, she impressed them with her knowledge of the basic accomplishments. While explaining she learned much from her own love of reading and self-teaching, she did have access to a few masters who lived in the nearby town of Meryton.
Richard and Lorraine Willstone were exceptionally kind and generous, allowing Elizabeth time off on Sundays to visit the Gardiners and her sister. While Elizabeth was grateful for the employment, it was not a life she had ever envisioned for herself.
A piercing recollection interrupted her musings of Easter spent in Kent exactly one year ago. She shuddered as she thought how much had changed since then.
What if I had…?
No! She stamped her foot. She would not reproach herself for refusing those two marriage proposals. The first one, Mr. Collins, she could never have agreed to. The second…
A knock at the door announced that the carriage had arrived. She pushed away that last thought.
As the carriage drove her through the streets of London from the more fashionable neighbourhood to the less fashionable neighbourhood near Cheapside, Elizabeth looked forward with much anticipation to her day. She would listen with joy to all her aunt and sister had to share about their week, and she would recount to them how her own had passed. It would certainly prove to be a more agreeable Easter than last year.
When she arrived at the Gardiners’ home, she handed off her coat and gloves and eagerly walked into the breakfast room, where a warm meal was being served. She was greeted warmly and profusely.
“Good morning, Lizzy! Happy Easter!” her uncle exclaimed, and he rose and walked over to her, wrapping her in his arms.
“Thank you, Uncle. And a joyous Easter to all of you.” When her uncle released her, she walked over to Jane and gave her a hug. “How are you, Jane?”
“I am well. And how is my dearest sister?” Jane asked.
“Delighted to be here.” Elizabeth let out a soft laugh. “As much as I love Emily, the joy of my week is being with all of you.”
“And how is little Emily?” her aunt asked as Elizabeth motioned for her to remain seated.
“Her usual self,” answered Elizabeth as she walked over and gave her aunt a kiss on the cheek. “She was a little slow this morning getting ready for church, so I gave her some assistance. She went through her usual custom of not wishing to leave without me. I hope I am not late.”
“Dearest Lizzy, do not worry about being late. We have plenty of time,” her aunt reassured her.
“And plenty of food,” added her uncle.
“Now, you must sit down and have something to eat. What would you like?” her aunt asked.
“I shall have the eggs and ham. It all looks delicious!”
She joined the others at the table and inquired of the Gardiner children how their week passed. She was anxious to talk with Jane, but knew the children were eager to tell of their activities, and so she would wait. Each of the four children was given ample opportunity to tell the highlight of the past week. Jane had taught Laura a new song on the pianoforte; Jonathan had finished reading a book; Caleb had found a kitten; and little Melissa had learned how to tie a bow with the ribbon on her bonnet.
Elizabeth gave much praise to each of her cousins for their wonderful accomplishments and also applauded Jane for her excellent work as their governess.
“Tell us how your week passed, Lizzy,” Mrs. Gardiner requested. “Have you been able to get Emily to practice more on the pianoforte? Has she acquired your enjoyment for reading?”
“It is a delicate balance for me to impart the joys of my life to Emily whilst not pushing her so hard that she ends up disliking everything!” Elizabeth looked into her aunt’s warm eyes. “Fortunately, she loves to sing. And as she would prefer for me to read her a book than to read one herself , she is more willing to read a book than practice on the pianoforte. Playing is still a struggle for her.”
Mr. Gardiner chuckled. “It seems to me you must find something Emily enjoys less than playing and give her the choice of the two. Chances are she will pick playing.”
Elizabeth laughed. “Such as picking weeds in the garden?” She paused to sip some tea. “I fear she does not have the long, slender fingers that are advantageous in playing, yet her parents would so much love for her to both play and sing.”
As the family conversed and ate together, Elizabeth savoured every bit of news shared as well as every morsel of food. She was grateful to be governess to a very sweet little girl with very kind and agreeable parents, but she greatly missed her family the remainder of the week.
Elizabeth’s spirits were high at church that morning. She loved the Easter service more than any other during the year. It reinforced the foundation for her faith and gave her reason to joyfully attend services throughout the year.
The message that morning on forgiveness—how God offered up forgiveness to us and how we ought to offer up forgiveness to others—struck within Elizabeth a deep sense of conviction. She realized she had been harbouring resentment toward Mr. Collins and her friend Charlotte for taking Longbourn from them. They had every lawful right to claim it as theirs, and after all, they had made the Bennet ladies an offer to remain there as long as needed.
Fortunately, the few months it took for the Collinses to move to Longbourn allowed the Bennets to secure their new living arrangements. Charlotte had a newborn baby and did not think travelling would be wise until he was at least six months old. Elizabeth often wondered if that was Charlotte’s way of granting them time to decide what to do. She was grateful that she secured a position as governess for the Willstones and was able to leave before the Collinses arrived.
Elizabeth had written to her friend only once since she had come to London, responding to an inquiry from her as to how she was faring. It was a brief and succinct missive, written with the barest civilities. Charlotte had since written two more letters that Elizabeth had never answered, always having a reason to postpone it.
By the end of the service that morning, Elizabeth knew she had to forgive the Collinses and decided that she would behave in a more forgiving manner toward them henceforth. She did not want bitterness to take hold of her life. She would write Charlotte directly and assure her that she felt no resentment toward her and express her fervent hope that they were happy at Longbourn.
At the reverend’s “Amen” at the close of the service, Elizabeth lifted her head, hoping to feel a great sense of peace at her resolution. Instead, a restless conviction stirred within her.
She narrowed her eyes as she realized that conviction pointed to Mr. Darcy. His offer of marriage should have been an honour in itself, but she had not been able to view it that way. His words had brutally hurt her, and she had responded in angry vehemence. Yet the letter he had presented to her the following day—and a year of reading and rereading it—had somewhat lessened her animosity.
It was still difficult, however, to forgive him for his contemptible audacity, holding that it was his right—his duty—to convince his friend Bingley of the error of his ways in his regard for Jane. Her heart still pounded in anger as she contemplated this. Elizabeth slowly turned her head, and catching the serene, resigned look upon Jane’s face, she felt that she would never be able to forgive him for that.
When they returned to the Gardiners’ after church, Jane tended to the four children as they came in, gathering their coats and gloves and ensuring that they were changed out of their church clothes before they came down to play. The spring day was cool, but the sun was shining brightly, giving all it could to warm up the air. The first blossoms of the season were beginning to bloom and the grey, dreary days of winter seemed behind them.
Elizabeth was always grateful for the occasional warmth of a spring Sunday, as the children enjoyed playing outdoors, allowing her and her sister and aunt to spend some uninterrupted time together. They retired to the sitting room, where both Elizabeth and Jane picked up samplers to stitch and their aunt simply sipped a cup of tea, enjoying the presence of her two favourite nieces.
With the children out of the room, Elizabeth asked the dreaded question she asked each week: “Has there been any news from home?”
Mrs. Gardiner looked uneasily at Jane, alerting Elizabeth to the fact that there had been some news and it most likely was not good. “Yes, Lizzy,” Jane replied. “Mother writes about Lydia.”
“Lydia! What does she have to say about Lydia?”
Elizabeth’s sister and aunt exchanged glances again. Her aunt answered, “Your mother writes that Lydia insists they have had a sufficient time of mourning and that she should like to rejoin her friends and the regiment, which has been removed from Brighton and is now stationed at Stratford.”
Elizabeth’s head went back in exasperation. “And what, pray, does Mother say to this? Is she at all inclined to forbid this?”
Jane shook her head. “No, in fact, Lydia is most likely gone by now.”
Elizabeth took in a deep breath. “Oh, that headstrong girl! It has not even been a full year since Father’s death, and all she can think about is getting back to her friends and the officers!”
“Be not distressed, Elizabeth,” Jane assured her in her characteristically calm voice. “I am sure we can trust that Lydia will be on her best behaviour with the Forsters. They will look after her.”
“She will openly flirt with the officers and have no regard for modesty and decorum!”
“Elizabeth,” her aunt implored. “Have more faith in the Forsters. Have more faith in your sister!”
Elizabeth put her sampler down and folded her arms in front of her. “What else does she say?”
Jane looked down as Mrs. Gardiner gave her another piece of information.
“Netherfield has been sold.”
“Sold?”
Jane took a deep breath and looked up. Her blue eyes dimmed as she continued. “Yes, a family from the north has made an eligible offer and it has been accepted.”
“So Mr. Bingley never had any intention of returning.”
Jane returned her eyes to her sampler as she slowly shook her head. Elizabeth wondered if she was shielding her tears from her.
“Well, ladies.” Mrs. Gardiner thought it was time to change the subject. “Let us turn our attention to something more pleasant. Tell me, Elizabeth, what is new at the Willstone residence?”
Some recent news in that quarter brought a smile to Elizabeth’s face. “Mrs. Willstone’s sister, Rosalyn Matthews, is coming to London to spend several weeks with the family before we all return to the Willstones’ country home in Nottinghamshire.”
“And when will that be, dearest?”
“I believe it will be by the end of May or beginning of June.”
Jane looked up and sighed. “How we will miss your weekly visits, Lizzy! Is it altogether settled?”
“The Willstones are not inclined to spend the summer here.”
“Oh, Lizzy, how I wish things were different.”
“I know, Jane,” Elizabeth said softly. “I know.”
“I have heard they have a wonderful estate in the country,” her aunt reassured her, a smile revealing some creases that had begun to appear on her face. “I am quite certain you will be much happier there. I can just imagine you taking walks in the beautiful countryside.”
“But I shall miss you greatly.”
“And we shall miss you, too,” her aunt assured her. “But we will write, and will look forward to your return to Town later this year.”
For the remainder of the day, the topics of Lydia leaving for Stratford, Netherfield being sold, and Elizabeth leaving for the country were not discussed. Elizabeth cherished the closeness she felt to Jane and her aunt, and envied them for being able to be together when she could not. When she left later that evening, she found herself already looking forward to next week’s visit.
Upon returning to the Willstones’ home, she greeted the family and went up to her room. She was grateful she was not expected to report for her duties until seven o’clock the next morning.
The first thing she did was to go to the desk and pull out a piece of stationery. She sat down and began penning a letter to Charlotte. Despite her earlier assurance to Charlotte that their decision to move out of Longbourn was for the best, she wished now to convey to her how deeply she still treasured her as a friend.
When the letter was complete and addressed, she sat back, looking down at it. Despite her wish to do away with all resentment toward her friend, it seemed terribly amiss to have the name Collins and Longbourn together. She dropped her hands into her lap, letting out a long, disheartened sigh.
Elizabeth was normally not one to question providence, but she certainly did not understand all of the events that transpired the previous year. Certainly her father’s death had greatly affected and grieved her and her family. As her mother lamented, “His death could not have been more ill-timed! None of our girls married, and now we are to be out of Longbourn!”
She thought with a shake of her head how accepting either man’s offer would have secured her family’s welfare. Unfortunately, her family now found themselves in less than desirable situations.
The passage of a year, and Mr. Darcy’s letter had shed new light on certain beliefs she held regarding him, particularly in his dealings with Mr. Wickham. Time had done little, however, to dull those feelings of anger and resentment toward him for his actions in separating Jane and Mr. Bingley. It was very apparent to Elizabeth that Jane still bore the effects of a broken heart.
Elizabeth’s anger directed at Mr. Darcy for those actions was more potent than her anger at his unfeeling words to her as he declared that he loved her despite the fact that her station in life was so decidedly beneath him.
As Elizabeth considered this, she almost laughed. If only he could see me now! Then he could say with even more conviction that I was decidedly beneath him, and he would certainly congratulate himself that I refused him!
She reflected on the news she’d heard today that her youngest sister had been allowed to return to the Forsters’ as well as the report that Netherfield had been sold. That last piece of news put to rest all hopes that Mr. Bingley would once again return. Both pieces of information left her with a disconcerted ache inside. As far as Lydia was concerned, Elizabeth could only hope that she would show some restraint in her usually unseemly behaviour. And it would make little difference to Jane if Bingley returned to Netherfield, as she was now in London. But it seemed to remove any last ray of hope that Jane may have clung to regarding Mr. Bingley and his affections.
There had always been the hope that they would see each other in London, but that had not come to pass, most likely due to the Gardiners’ residence near Cheapside. Mr. Bingley would only be associating with those in superior circles, and their paths were unlikely to cross.
Elizabeth brought a slightly unsteady hand up and covered her mouth with her fingertips as she felt her anger against Mr. Darcy rise. Mr. Darcy had made no attempt to put to rights the erroneous information he had given his friend, even when Elizabeth had so adamantly assured him of Jane’s love for Mr. Bingley. She shook her head as she realized he would have no reason—no inclination—to do her that favour. The gnawing thought about forgiveness tried to surface, but she again pushed it down.
She stood up and walked over to her bed, picking up a book from the corner table. She threw herself down on the bed and opened it, hoping to attend to the words on the page and remove from her mind those intruding thoughts. But she could not. If anyone in her family had ever experienced true love, if anyone was deserving of true love, it was Jane, and Elizabeth could not understand why it had been stolen from her. No, she could not forgive Mr. Darcy for that. She did not think she ever could. The gnawing inside grew stronger.