I DIDN'T HAVE THE STRENGTH TO TELL JANE WHAT HAPPENED.
Not only could I not bear to repeat my conversation with Darcy, I didn't want to bring up my theory that Darcy was responsible for Charles's distance.
I decided to take a sick day that Monday and stayed in bed catching up on work. When I went to e-mail my Hoboken friends, I was shocked to find an e-mail from Darcy that he'd sent late the previous night.
Dear Lizzie,
Please know that I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice. I'm not going to repeat myself here. But after thinking about what you said, I can understand why you have so much contempt for me. However, in fairness to us both, I think there are a few things you should know.
First, I want to apologize about how I treated you when we first met. I was rude to you at the party and, you were right, it was because you were a scholarship student. I spent the semester in London running away from some issues I had and it was really hard coming back. I think I might have taken it out on you. But then I got to know you and I was horrified by the assumptions that I had made about you. You are really an incredible person and I admire how brave you are (and I will admit you are the first person I've met at Pemberley or Longbourn who hasn't been impressed by my family's money, which made me like you even more). I hoped that your opinion of me would change if you gave me a second chance. I tried to figure out a way to make amends, but, obviously, it was all in vain. So if you take anything away from this letter, I hope it is that I am truly sorry for how I treated you.
Second, I am not directly responsible for what has happened with Charles and Jane. However, I am certainly at fault for not stepping in. I fully admit to that. I will also admit to being indirectly responsible. In fact, we both are. I believe the person responsible wanted to keep Jane away because this person also wanted to keep you away. As much as you were shocked by my revelation tonight, my feelings for you have been clear to those around me for quite some time. (I wanted to preface this all with "please don't think me conceited," but we both already know your feelings on that subject.) I should have straightened that situation out as well, and I have recently been inspired to clear the air with this person. Although I hope to spare her feelings more than mine were spared tonight. I plan to fix my errors, and while I know that Jane has been hurt, I hope that she can forgive Charles for being such an idiot.
I also wanted to clear up something my cousin said that I believe you misunderstood. The friend I talked out of going to the prom wasn't Charles. It was Colin. He was adamant about asking you again, but I convinced him otherwise. My selfish motives were clearly at play.
Lastly, the accusation that I got Wick kicked out of Pemberley because of my own jealousy couldn't be further from the truth. I don't like to speak about this, since it was a very painful time for my family, but I feel that I need to defend myself against whatever lies Wick may have told you.
George Wickham and I were good friends. We instantly clicked when we met, and we started spending a lot of time together. He was close with my whole family, including my fourteen-year-old sister, Georgiana. I always had him home on break, and my parents even gave him money for his school supplies and took him on vacation with us. I was happy that my father was going to help him with an internship at his law firm last summer. And, selfishly, I was happy to have him stay with us. He was like the brother I'd never had.
But Wick also liked to play as hard as he worked. Granted, I had a lot of fun hanging out with him, but he crossed the line when he got Georgie involved.
My sister means everything to me. You will never find a sweeter, more caring person. My parents were gone one weekend and I came home to find empty liquor bottles around the house. I walked in on Wick trying to take advantage of my sister, whom he had gotten drunk. Fortunately, I got home before anything else could've happened, but I will never forgive myself for putting my sister in that situation.
I kicked him out of our house, and my father withdrew his internship. But Wick knew our security codes and we, stupidly, didn't think to change them. He broke into our house and stole jewelry, cash, and some family items. We had the security footage to prove it.
That's why he got kicked out of Pemberley. In truth, he's lucky we didn't press charges for the robbery. We should have, but we didn't want to have to go through a trial and have it all come out in the press. He violated my trust, my family's trust, and, most reprehensible of all, he tried to take advantage of a young girl's innocent affections.
As you once reminded me, I did accuse you of having a problem with people with money. And I will admit to having a problem with people without it. But it was only because of Wick. I have never told anybody this, but what happened with Wick was the reason why I went to London last semester. I needed to get away from campus, and from the guilt I had about bringing someone like him into my family. So my guard was up when I returned to campus, and I wasn't ready to allow myself to be close to anybody new. It was very unfair of me to lump you in with someone like him, and again, for that I'm very sorry.
I don't expect this to really change anything between us. But I couldn't sleep without at least giving you my side of the story.
I stared at the screen in a desperate attempt to comprehend everything Darcy had said. I reread his e-mail several times.
At first, I didn't believe anything -- couldn't believe it. Then I thought some more about Jane and Charles. Even though Lydia had embarrassed Jane, it would make sense for Caroline to feel jealous about me when I was the only person Darcy had danced with the whole evening. The idea that Caroline knew Darcy's feelings for me seemed so surreal. So it was me she was trying to keep away, not Jane. I didn't know if I should have felt relieved or guilty about that.
I still kept reading the part about Wick. I thought: Why should I believe Darcy?
Then I reflected on Wick's behavior. Yes, he was charming and warm, but he never seemed interested in hanging out with me unless I was at work ... and giving him free drinks.
And he had told me that we had to take advantage of our situation.
But this seemed so ... extreme.
How well did I know Wick? And how well did I know Darcy?
I reread Darcy's last couple paragraphs and a knot formed in my stomach.
Darcy had a wall around him, just like me. But unlike me, Darcy's feelings had changed after he got to know me. He'd built some doors into the wall, while I'd held on to my prejudices the entire time.
Yes, he'd been cold to me when we first met, but ever since, he'd been making an attempt to get to know me, when I couldn't see past my own narrow-mindedness. He walked me home from work, he even tried to buy me a book, and all I did was be cold to him. He wasn't perfect. He would say the wrong things sometimes. But if he was a guy from Hoboken, I would have looked past it ... or at least forgiven him. But since Darcy was rich, I couldn't.
I'd taken Wick at his word because he was a scholarship kid like me. But never once had I thought it was odd that he'd gotten kicked out of school without a proper explanation. Because I sympathized. Because I feared the same thing would happen to me. I'd assumed we were in the same boat, when really he was the shark swimming beneath it.
All this time I'd berated Darcy for his pride, but I was the one who'd been blinded by my own stubbornness.
What kind of person did that make me?