Shortly after I returned to the city, Rob called me at my office to ask if he could come by Mrs. Dawkins’s house, so we could continue the conversation we had started at Crofton Wood. I had a pretty good idea of what was about to happen. If Rob was going to dump me, he would want to do it where I wouldn’t be alone.
When Rob arrived, he handed me a single red rose, the same flower he had laid on the pillow the first time we had made love. I took the rose knowing that this time it had an entirely different meaning.
Rob looked exhausted. The long work days required to train his successors were taking their toll on him. Emptying his pockets of several packs of Wrigley’s gum he asked if I would give them to the boys. I told him how much Teddy and Tommy would miss his stories about growing up in the Wild West and flying in a bomber, and he nodded.
“About our disagreement in Crofton — maybe you’ll understand a little better if I tell you some of the things I have been holding back.” Rob’s leg started to shake exactly like his brother’s had when he had been talking about flying into Berlin. “I know you were very hurt when my brother told you that no one in my family knew about you.” After hesitating, he finally said, “It’s because you’re Catholic. Greg figured it out and mentioned it in a letter to my mother. Next thing I know, I get this letter from Mom asking all of these questions, mostly about your religion. I didn’t want to say anything because it makes my mother look bad, and she’s really a wonderful woman. But I’d be less than honest if I said she wouldn’t be upset if the two of us got married.” I actually didn’t think badly of Mrs. McAllister since my mother was writing me letters asking why I had become involved with a Protestant. “Rob, I really do understand. My mother’s been saying the same things about you.”
Rob flashed a brief smile, and then he continued. “That Sunday I went to church with you, I was thinking about how before every mission, Pat and all the other Catholics would kneel in front of the priest. He’d tell them to make a good act of contrition, and then they’d receive communion. By saying that prayer, that act of contrition, Pat told me that he would eventually get into heaven, and it helped him get through the mission. I envied him because I don’t have any strong religious beliefs. I figured if I bought the farm, all it meant was that my life had ended when I was twenty-two years old.
“But before we get sidetracked on a discussion about religion, I want to respond to some of the things you said at Beth’s. You seem to have the impression that once I got to a new town, I hooked up with a girl, and when I moved on, I dumped her.” Opening his hands in front of him, he said, “I’ll let you decide.”
“I’ve already told you about Alice. She was very nice, but war or no war, we were never going to get married. It was one of the reasons I was okay with joining the Army. It gave me a way out that didn’t hurt her feelings.
“As for Arlene, remember I told you that there was a lot of prejudice in Atlanta? Well, one of those prejudiced people was Arlene. I ended it with her weeks before I left for England. If she was sitting at home crying because of me, too bad.”
After telling me about Arlene, his demeanor changed, and he went quiet and closed his eyes. “On the other hand, I have to agree with you about Millie. She was a swell girl with a great sense of humor, and I enjoyed her company a lot. She was one of the people who helped me get through those thirty missions. But we did have the agreement I told you about.” Rob started to shake his head because he knew that no matter what had been said between them, Millie had fallen in love.
“When she came to the hospital in Oxford for the second time, I realized that her feelings had changed but mine hadn’t. When I got back to Bassingbourn, I told her again that as soon as I flew my thirtieth mission, I was gone. But she said everything was fine. When I went to say good-bye, it got pretty emotional, and I felt like a slug. So I got blind drunk, and when I woke up, I was curled up in a ball in the pub owner’s storage room. But I had to get out of Bassingbourn. I didn’t want to hear about one more plane crashing or getting shot down.
“When Jack and I went to the Peak District, he talked to me about things that had happened to him during and after the First War. Pretty bad stuff. He wanted me to open up, but all I could manage was to tell him about this dream I have over and over again. On a mission to Cologne, I saw a Fortress from my squadron get hit, and everyone had to bail out. One of the guys who jumped caught his chute on the plane. When he got free, the chute was torn and wouldn’t open. I watched as this guy fell to his death from 25,000 feet. It was part of my job — everyone’s job — to watch because when you got back to interrogation, you’d have to report on exactly what you saw so they could figure out if the guy was dead or a prisoner. In my dream, I’m the guy, but I never hit the ground. I just keep tumbling through space. I usually wake up in a sweat because I have this weight on my chest, and it makes it difficult to breathe.”
After telling me about his dream, Rob took a deep breath and continued, “This past week I’ve been thinking about you and about everything I should have said or done but didn’t. And it’s not just you. I should have gone to see Pat Monaghan’s family. They wrote me letters inviting me to come visit them because I was Pat’s closest friend. When I went back to the States, I was the navigator on a B-17 being delivered to an airfield near Omaha, but I never contacted the Monaghans.” Rubbing his temples with his eyes closed, he ended by saying, “That was wrong of me. Once I finish up in Atlanta, I’m going to go to see Pat’s family.”
“Rob, I’m glad you’re going to do that. I think it will do you as much good as it will the Monaghans. It’s an important first step.”
Nodding in agreement, he said, “Maggie, the one thing I want you to understand, no matter what, is that I love you. When I told you that you were the best thing that had ever happened to me, I meant it. The problem is, I’m not the best thing that ever happened to you, and I’m not going to ask you to put your life on hold while I try to figure out what to do with mine.”
I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer, and they were streaming down my face. Rob stood up, and I knew there was nothing I could say that would change his mind. I asked if I could see him off when he sailed from Liverpool, but from his expression, I knew that wasn’t going to happen. “To be honest with you, Maggie, I don’t think I could take it.” Opening the door to the foyer, he looked at me for the longest time before saying, “You do know that Michael Crowell is in love with you, don’t you?”
“Why are you telling me this?” I said through a flood of tears.
“Because it might be more obvious to me than it is to you.”
I turned my back to him because I couldn’t bear to watch him walk away. If at that moment the city of London had gone silent, the only sound to be heard would have been that of my heart breaking.