Jay had tried. He’d arranged to meet Kimber in the garage, figuring it was the least sexually suggestive place to do so. Who could possibly be turned on in such an environment? Him, apparently. Kimber could probably make the apocalypse sexy. His libido didn’t seem to have a conscience; all his good intentions of staying focused and morally sound dissolved as soon as she kissed his cock, and his willpower had gone the way of ancient Rome. Just a few seconds of the memory made him hard. He’d thought the only way he’d ever see Kimber deep throat his cock would be via his dreams, but when she actually did it, he couldn’t have imagined it better-because it was one hundred percent real. And when she directed him inside her and rode him to oblivion…
But not even the recollection of Kimber’s tight cunt milking him dry and bringing him to the fringe of paradise could make him forget or ignore the immediate aftermath. She’d made his dreams come true, and he’d essentially dumped her minutes later. It was a scenario he’d thought less probable than her ever giving him head. Maybe such an unlikely event happening was signifying the aforementioned end of days. The impending arrival of the Four Horsemen was the only excuse he had for explaining his insane, out-of-character behavior. Was this traipse down the slippery slope toward mental illness a new development or something that had been lying dormant?
Jay was intensely afraid of the person he’d become. For all his insisting he’d intended to do the right thing, why then had he spent the past week, calling upon that one acting class he’d taken in college and working on a way to disguise his voice? Why would he do that if he’d planned to tell Kimber the truth? He couldn’t be sure of anything anymore, sans his intensifying feelings for her and his self-loathing in himself.
He drove past Kimber’s apartment complex the next morning, noticing her car in the lot and cringing. He was scared to face her, to face her sadness and shock and then to try to comfort her while pretending he wasn’t the one who’d plunged her into misery. He’d help her wish a plague on the house of this heartless, nameless bastard who’d used her up and thrown her away-himself. Jesus, the situation became more screwed up by the second.
Jay turned the Monte Carlo around and parked in the empty spot beside Kimber’s battered coupe, unable to ignore the possibility of her in pain, especially since it was his fault. As he made his way to her door, he rationalized that this was the perfect time to not only offer his friendship and support but to do some damage control. He could play devil’s advocate and suggest reasons why her lover bailed to keep her self-esteem and optimism afloat. It seemed a fine plan, yet it still managed to deeply sicken him.
He knocked on the door to apartment 18 and waited as he heard footsteps muffled by carpet rush toward him. Then he heard a knock mimicking his come from the other side and the door unlock. He twisted the knob and stepped inside, where he saw Kimber settling on her futon, freshly showered and looking comfy in frayed jeans that were too big for her and a vintage-looking navy T-shirt displaying a Honolulu surfer.
She rested her laptop atop her crossed legs and gave him a brilliant smile. “Hey! This is unexpected.”
“You took the words right out of my mouth.” He shut the door behind him and eyed her with suspicion. No signs of tears, distress, or loss of sleep. Then again, women were tricky, deceitful creatures; talking to them was like negotiating a minefield. Kimber could combust into a rage at any given moment and body parts would start flying.
She gave him a strange look at his comment but otherwise didn’t acknowledge it. “What brings you here?”
“Just passing by. Thought I’d check in.” There it was-the first truth he’d told in days. When had he turned into such a liar? He glanced around the room, unable to look at her for too long without wanting to crack. “The place is really coming along.”
“You think?” She chuckled and took a long pull on her juice box, her cheekbones caving until the staccato sound of the last few drops trapped in the straw filled the room and she let it drop, empty, on the scarred wooden end table. “One futon and a few magazine pictures taped to the wall, and you think this joint’s a palace?”
“Let’s not get carried away. I just said it’s coming along.” Jay smiled in spite of himself, granting himself permission to enjoy how easy it was to be in her company. He gestured to the stack of neon orange milk crates holding DVDs beside the TV. “Nice rack.”
“I bet you say that to all the girls.”
His innuendo had slipped from him with little effort and triggered the unpleasant reminder of why he was there. He settled in one of the beanbag chairs scattered on the floor. “So, how are you?”
“I’m awesome. Just catching up on some XKCD comics I’d missed and watching last night’s Jon Stewart. And later I plan on taking on the Marsh Cave in Final Fantasy while eating taquitos.” She lifted her chin toward the TV and her ancient Nintendo, both resting on a locked trunk. “I love days off.”
Pepperoni, perched on the back of the couch just behind Kimber’s head and resembling a feline-shaped airline pillow from Jay’s vantage point, released a yawn of agreement.
“Cool, cool.” Jay nodded, not sure how to talk to her. He’d been expecting to walk in on a firestorm, not intrude on a peaceful, normal routine.
“Did you have fun at the party?” she asked. “I didn’t see you last night.”
No, she sure didn’t. “Yeah, just hung out with the usual clowns.”
She smiled. “Was Moquest still trying out pick-up lines? Any actually work?”
“It’s still a work in progress.” In truth, he’d high-tailed it out of there as soon as he’d left the garage, unable to face anyone, including Moquest, who’d called him five times already and it was only 11 a.m. He picked at the small white foam beads spilling from a tiny hole in the beanbag chair. “What about you?” He forced the words out, and it felt like trying to regurgitate glass. “You have fun?”
“I did.” She closed her laptop with authority and gave him a brilliant grin, like she’d been waiting for someone to ask. “I had a fantastic time.”
He nipped his lower lip with his teeth. “What happened?”
“I met up with my mysterious friend.”
“How’d that go?”
Kimber twisted into a horizontal position on the couch with a happy sigh, hugging the laptop to her chest and looking at the ceiling like a lovesick teen. “You don’t want to know.”
“Yeah, I do.” Did he? “Tell me.”
“Let’s just say we put the ‘riding’ in riding lawn mower.”
That was for sure. He’d never be able to cut grass again without getting a hard-on.
She turned to him. “You don’t seem too surprised or impressed by that.”
“Oh. Am I supposed to be?”
“Why the hell wouldn’t you? I fucked someone on a lawn mower. That doesn’t raise eyebrows?”
He shrugged. “I’ve done it before.” As in twelve hours before.
“Hmph. I didn’t realize it was so common.” She pouted in a way that made him ache to kiss her, then brightened again. “I bet you didn’t do it blindfolded though.”
This was getting a bit too close for comfort. “True, you win.” He took a deep breath. “So what happens now? You gonna keep seeing him or what?”
Kimber sat up and set the laptop on her coffee table, which was actually a battered bass drum she’d rescued from the curb. “That’s the plan.”
Jay stared at her, dumbstruck, not knowing how to question that without giving up the jig.
She planted her feet on the floor and leaned forward, clasping her hands, her expression turning serious. “He told me when he left he couldn’t see me anymore. It pretty much broke my heart at first but then…” She shook her head, lost in thought. “I realized that something can’t not happen between us. What happened was fucked up as hell, but it was real. I felt it, and I know he did, too. He had to have. A connection like that-I can’t understand how anyone could ignore it. It’d be criminal.
“And when he kissed me last night, I had this crazy epiphany that it was the most important, meaningful moment of my entire life. There’s no way I can let him just walk off into the sunset and accept it as a freak incident, a hiccup in reality. For me, that was reality. That was so real, it felt like a dream. I know I’m probably not making any sense and these are really bizarre circumstances, but I can’t let this fade away without a fight.”
Jay watched her, a knot in his throat and his skin prickling. Finally, he dropped his gaze to the floor and stabbed the beanbag chair’s hole with his pinky, not trusting himself to speak.
“Hey.” Her voice forced him to look at her again, and she wore a sympathetic smile. “I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable.”
He cleared his throat with a cough. “Don’t worry. You didn’t.”
In truth, he was more than uncomfortable. He was in huge fucking trouble, and he had no idea how he was going to get himself out of it.
“So tell me all about him,” Ferney said later that afternoon over her and Kimber’s lunch specials at a local southwestern restaurant.
“Tell you all about who?” Kimber feigned ignorance, partly to rile Ferney up and partly because she was terrified of her sister’s reaction to the truth.
Ferney raised her fork, tines toward Heaven. “Tell me or this goes right into your hand.”
“Fine, just calm down.” Kimber rolled her eyes. “But I need you to prepare yourself, because you aren’t going to like it.”
“Psh.” Ferney scoffed. “Anyone’s better than Dane. Lay it on me.”
Kimber poked the ice in her Coke with her straw, wondering how to bring it up, then decided to just get it over with. “Truth is, I don’t know his name or what he looks like, or anything about him, actually. Moquest arranged for us to meet up in his room with me blindfolded, and one thing just led to another, and I finally experienced what you said you have with Paul. Even though it’s totally weird, I think something can really happen here.” There it was, laid out and abridged.
Ferney stopped picking at her taco salad and stared at her like she was a terrorist. “Okay,” she finally said. “And the real story is…”
“That’s it. That is the real story.”
Her sister’s mouth tightened and she stabbed her salad with her fork in silence for a moment before taking a long sip of her ice water. “I really, really hope not.” She spoke around her straw in a voice quivering with rage. “Because you clearly have no idea how fucking insane and scary that sounds.”
Kimber frowned. “It-”
“It’s fucking insane and scary,” Ferney repeated, slamming her glass on the table. “What isn’t completely messed up and dangerous about fucking and falling for someone you know nothing about and couldn’t even pick out of a lineup? He could be a murderer, Kimber, or a serial rapist spreading AIDS. What if you get pregnant with this psychopath’s baby? Jesus Christ.”
“We’ve been careful, and he’s not a murderer. Or a rapist, for that matter.”
“Confirm that. Oh, wait, you totally can’t, because you have no goddamn idea who he is.”
“I can just tell, okay?” Kimber heaved an annoyed sigh, knowing her argument was weak. She could hardly fault her sister when she shared the same fears, the ones she’d ignored since Jay and Moquest knew about her situation and hadn’t been so concerned about the danger factor. “Just trust me on this. I can tell by the way he touches me, like he truly cares about me, like he instinctively knows what I want.”
“Yeah, well, I read this book once about a blind serial killer who also touched his victims with all the love in the world. Then he got bored of them, hacked them into pieces, and made sculptures out of their body parts.”
Kimber stared at her sister, agape. “What the hell were you doing reading that?” She couldn’t picture her sister reading something more intense or complex than hair coloring instructions, and even then Ferney left her highlights to the professionals.
“Paul sometimes gets me to read crazy shit. You know, Paul, my real life fiancé whom I can see and whose name I know and whom I’ve had conversations with and-”
“Okay, you’ve made your point.” Kimber rolled her napkin in a tiny rope around her fingers, trying not to focus on the tears pricking her eyes and the hopelessness spreading through her like ink in water.
Ferney sighed. “Look, I’m just worried about you, okay? I’m not undermining your feelings. I’m sure they’re real. I see you’ve got that glow about you, and of course I want you to always look so happy. But think about what you’re doing, and think about why this guy hasn’t given up his anonymity yet. There’s a reason.”
“Uh huh.” Kimber nodded with reluctance and tossed her mistreated napkin atop her half-eaten lunch, but Ferney had tapped into what she felt was the biggest question of all. Why didn’t he want her to know who he was? What could he be hiding that was so bad?
Jay found Kimber on her break the next day, ordering a veggie wrap in the food court and wearing a forlorn expression that used to trigger his immediate and often correct assumption that Dane did something stupid again. However, she hadn’t had much to say on that front lately, so he could only wonder what her issue was about-or who. He had a hunch he wouldn’t feel good knowing the truth.
“Hey.” He sat opposite her in the booth she sat in and watched her morosely arrange some ridged potato chips inside the wrap’s folds. “What’s wrong?”
“What makes you think something’s wrong?” she asked, her voice flat.
“Come on. Do you really think I don’t notice when you’re not acting like Kimber?”
“That’s because I’m not Kimber.” She fixed her gaze on him, her mouth drooping into a frown. “I’m an idiot.”
“How do you figure?”
“Please.” She pushed her wrap away, granting herself the room to bury her face in her hands. “Stop being nice and pretending you don’t know what a complete fool I’ve been, getting my hopes up over some total stranger who basically told me to fuck off. Where do I get off, assuming he doesn’t really mean that? Like I said, I’m an idiot. I know it, you know it, the world knows it.” She sighed. “Too bad my stupid heart doesn’t know it.”
Jay snagged a chip from her wrap’s red plastic basket and ate it, but the effort was for show. Guilt filled his gut, obliterating his appetite. “Yesterday you were all systems go no matter what. What happened to that?”
“I actually took some time and thought about it, like a normal, logical person with morals and a brain.” Kimber looked at Jay with eyes that unnerved him; they were so full of despair. “And now-at last-I feel like the worst person in the world. Can you even imagine how that feels?”
He ate another chip but couldn’t taste it. He had no idea what he could possibly say. Here was the meltdown he’d expected yesterday, and he was still clueless how to fix it. He stole a third chip to buy time.
“Hey.” Kimber straightened and tugged the basket back toward her, a small, begrudging smile on her face. “Save some for me. I’m not so depressed I can’t eat.”
He breathed a relieved laugh. “There’s some good news.”
“There’s no such thing as good news anymore.” Moquest suddenly sank in the booth beside Kimber and hid his face in his hands as Kimber had done just moments ago. “All the goodness in the world has ceased to exist.”
Kimber took a small bite of her wrap, the potato chips she’d hidden in there popping in her mouth. “What happened?”
Moquest raised his face to the ceiling and took a deep inhale through his nose, steepling his fingers before his mouth. “My beautiful ex-stripper is now my beautiful ex-girlfriend.”
“Maybe because you keep referring to her as an ex-stripper,” Jay said. “What is her name again?”
“What’s it matter? She hates me now.”
“What’d you do?” asked Kimber. “Did one of your lame pick-up lines finally work on someone other than her?”
“Surprisingly, yes. I told one of the girls playing Just Dance at the party the other night-the naughty nurse-that I liked her socks, and the next thing I knew, Gina caught us making out in the bed of my truck.”
“Commenting on a girl’s socks was all it took?” Kimber shook her head. “Damn.”
“I know, right?” Moquest asked. “If I’d known socks were key in the art of seduction, I’d have been noticing them years ago.” He sighed. “But because of my attention to detail, I lost Gina.”
Jay rolled his eyes. “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll meet another theme girlfriend at your next little get-together. The French maid or the pirate wench, maybe.”
Moquest narrowed his eyes at Jay. “That’s impossible, considering I’m not having any more parties. I’m too depressed to play host.”
“No more parties?” A stricken look appeared on Kimber’s already distraught face and Jay could tell what she was thinking, despite her self-defined foolish feelings. “Then you have to tell me who that guy was.”
“What guy?” Moquest groaned, rubbing his temples.
Kimber blushed. “My guy.”
Moquest looked at her, then shot Jay a pointed look. “I thought he was supposed to tell you himself the other night.”
“Well, he didn’t get around to it, I guess. Maybe he got scared.”
“I’ll bet.” Moquest snorted and shook his head, still staring at Jay. “What a little bitch that guy is, pussing out like that.”
Jay toyed with the salt and pepper shakers, glad Kimber was hiding her embarrassment in her wrap and not noticing the glares he and Moquest exchanged. “I’m sure he had his reasons for keeping his identity a secret.”
“Yeah.” Moquest nodded, his mouth twisting in mock sympathy. “Like he’s a hideous, disfigured beast who just wanted to rail some chick without commitment but not have the guts to be straightforward about it.” He patted Kimber on the shoulder. “I’m sorry I ever set you up with that tool. I’d no idea he could be such a heartless, soulless prick.”
Kimber’s eyes widened in alarm. “Matthew!”
Jay stretched his hands behind his head and blew out a stream of air, composing a mental note to beat the hell out of Moquest the second they were alone. “Look, here’s an idea. Mo, since you’re suddenly a huge party pooper and an even bigger dick, you should tell the guy to meet Kimber at a certain hotel at a certain time wearing the blindfold and let him explain himself on his own terms when they’re both completely alone. I’m sure he’d be willing to do that.”
Moquest heaved a dramatic sigh. “How did I get to be so involved in such tedious bullshit? This blows so hard I can’t stand it.”
“Please?” Kimber turned her pleading gaze to Moquest. “I need closure in the worst way. Please help me out so I can sleep at night.”
Moquest scrunched up his face in disgust and kicked his feet in protest under the table, a bratty habit leftover from his youth spent as a histrionic only child, but Jay knew he would never turn a girl down, no matter what she asked of him. It was how Moquest had, for three months during their freshman year of college, smuggled and kept a kitten in his dorm room at the behest of an attractive co-ed, who never repaid him in the way Moquest hoped. And Moquest thought Jay’s unrequited love was pathetic.
“Fine,” Moquest said through gritted teeth. “But this is the absolute last time I’m getting involved.” He shot Jay another murderous look. “And if he doesn’t tell you the whole truth, I’m gonna kick his ass.”
“Good luck trying,” Jay quipped, but his insides felt like the aftermath of a cyclone. It was time to own up to the truth, and he hoped in the worst way he could find the strength to do it.
“I’ve been given instructions to blindfold you before you go into the room.”
Kimber noted Moquest’s flat, unenthusiastic tone suggesting his disapproval with the whole scenario, which he’d expressed at lunch with her and Jay the day before, but she was too excited to care. She could feel how wet she already was at the thought of her mystery lover’s impending nearness and sucked in a trembling gulp of air as Moquest positioned her outside a hotel room marked with a brass 495 and draped a black sash over her eyes, her world going dark. The blindfold matched her outfit-a simple black dress she’d found in the back of her closet. It was a few years old but if the evening proved successful she didn’t think she’d be wearing it long.
“That comfortable?”
She nodded, and he tightened and tied it with a grunt of satisfaction.
“You’re all set then.” His fingertips probed her cheeks, teasing the edge of the blindfold. “You can’t see, can you?”
“No, I can’t see.” She swatted Moquest’s hand away. “Get off me.”
“Ah hah. If you really couldn’t see, then you wouldn’t have known it was me touching you.” Despite his gloating, she detected the edge to his voice.
“Call it female intuition and just open the door.”
“Fine.” He sighed. “Good luck. And Kim? Don’t forget to get some answers this time.”
She saluted him with two fingers and heard him knock, which was followed by a pause that lasted ages. Finally, the door yawned open and his presence drowned her senses in emotions too complicated to comprehend. She wondered if she ought to feel like a whore and be embarrassed, standing blindfolded in a hotel hallway and waiting for Moquest pass her into the room of an awaiting stranger who would fuck all the remaining sense right out of her. Yet for reasons she couldn’t explain, none of it mattered. She couldn’t justify why she felt how she did, why she sensed she was in safe, more than capable hands. She just wanted to go with it.
A warm hand entwined itself with hers and tugged her into the room, and the vague brightness of the hallway seeping through the sash vanished in favor of total darkness as the door slammed behind her. Soon she was pinned between the wall and his body, and just the smell of him-cologne with an underlying hint of some familiar scent that reassured her-sent her spiraling.
“I’ve been thinking about you all day.” His breath was hot on her collarbone as his lips worked their way to her ear.
“Oh?” She tried to sound cool and in control but was sure her audible gulp gave her away. “What about me?”
“Everything about you.” His mouth teased the shell of her ear and he pressed his body into her, his cock already hard and straining against the barrier of their clothes. “Everything about you turns me on.”
“Everything?” The word was a squeak as she felt his hands make their way up the outside of her legs. “Not possible. You don’t know anything about me.”
“I want to know what a good girl like you is doing, meeting me like this.”
“I’m not so good. For starters, I forgot to wear panties.”
His fingers found proof of her statement and she let out a whimper. “That’s true,” he replied in a gravelly voice Kimber could swear she recognized. Was it possible she already knew him? The answer was on the tip of her tongue, which he sucked on gently, bringing her curiosity to an end. There would be time for questions. They had all night.
He drew away and released a shaky sigh. “Ten seconds you’re in the room and this already isn’t going well.”
“What do you mean?” She found it hard to concentrate on his words as his fingers found her clit, already swollen in anticipation. On her end, things looked like they were going pretty damn well.
“Because we need to talk-like, really talk.” He drew laborious circles over her clit with his fingertip. “But I can’t stop touching you.”
She was well aware that he was completely right; she certainly had a list of questions that, written down, would rival the unrolling of some ancient Dead Sea scroll. But she whimpered and widened her stance, desperate for him to enter her in some way, be it via his fingers, tongue, or cock; she didn’t care, just needed him inside her. “I want you to touch me, though.”
At that, he wasted no time grabbing her hips and helping her perch next to what felt like a TV on the top of a long, nearby dresser. Then he peeled the dress up and over her head, leaving her naked except for her black open-toed shoes and sparkly Y-necklace.
“You look incredible right now.” His words were little more than a groan, and she wondered how he could see her in the darkness. Maybe the moon or the streetlights slipped in through the window and revealed her hard nipples, already mussed hair, and what lay between her open legs. Stepping outside herself and picturing her body like that turned her on more than she thought possible.
He moved away from her for a moment. “Will you touch yourself? For me?”
Kimber felt a momentary flash of embarrassment; she’d never even done that for Dane. Then again, she’d gotten so disappointed in his inattentiveness to her needs all across the board she hadn’t really felt like being so generous in bed after a point. But already this stranger had made her pleasure his number one priority every time they were together, and even though she was the one blindfolded, it lent her strength. Her lack of vision broke down her inhibitions and allowed her to pretend no one else could see either.
She kicked off her shoes and raised her knees, resting her bare heels on the dresser’s edge and putting herself on display for him. Then she leaned back, supporting herself with one hand, and brought her other hand between her legs. She traced her cunt’s opening with an indolent finger, finding herself wetter than she’d been during any of her other solo sessions, even the ones featuring My First Vibe, her new, battery-powered best friend. Using her own juices, she used two fingers to rub circles over her clit, whimpering at her own touch and at the sensation of being watched.
As she caressed herself, she heard the hurried rustle of clothed being removed and a foil package rip, a telltale sound that excited her more. He stepped closer, and for the first time she could feel he was as naked as she was. His body was lean but not too muscular-someone who made the effort to stay in shape but wasn’t obsessive about doing so. His cock, already wrapped in a condom, brushed against her thigh. “Keep going,” he commanded, his voice low and tremulous.
She obeyed, her cunt twitching in anticipation as he positioned the head of his cock at her wet entrance. Then he slid inside her in one deep stroke.
The unexpected feeling of being filled to the hilt so soon knocked Kimber backward with a gasp, and her shoulder blades pressed into a cool, smooth surface-the mirror. She let out an elongated moan as he slowly pulled out then pushed back inside with a vigor that left her breathless.
As he continued the intoxicating rhythm of a swift, hard penetration followed by a measured withdrawal, she rubbed her clit faster and pushed her hips at him, needing more. He increased his speed, his breathing turning shallow and erratic. The idea of him nearing climax to her body’s effect on him brought her closer to her own release, and she leaned farther against the mirror to raise her pelvis and meet his thrusts.
“Oh Christ,” he breathed out. “I want to make you come so bad. Come for me.”
Kimber cried out toward the ceiling and arched her back, contracting around him like she’d never stop. She felt him stiffen as he came, and she slumped against the mirror, exhausted and satiated, whimpering from the lingering aftershocks of her orgasm.
Still buried inside her, he lifted and carried her to the bed a few feet away. Then he rested atop her and tugged softly at her lips with his own, and to her surprise, the reminder of Jay kissing her that day in the park sprang to mind. Even more surprising was that it wasn’t a disturbing thought. Instead, it comforted her, and she believed it to be a sign that she and her mystery lover had acquired the closeness and connection similar to the one she and her best friend had and in a short span of time. Hope filled her heart, and for several long, unimaginably delicious moments, the rest of the world ceased to exist and everything between them simplified. She was happy, he was happy, nothing else mattered.
Except for one little factor. “Do I get to know who you are now?” she asked, her mouth brushing his.
Silence followed, making Kimber wonder if she said the wrong thing. Then her anger flared. She let him inside her body, no questions asked. The very least he could do was tell her who he was.
“You deserve answers, and I want to give them to you,” he said finally. “But once you have them, we’ll never be able to get this back.” He drew what felt like a heart shape on her cheek with his knuckles. “Once you know who I am, this will all be over.”
“Why does it have to be over?”
“I meant the mystery, the excitement.” He reached between them and found her clit, making her sigh. “I know you love all that.”
“I do…” She groaned and rose to meet his touch. “But that doesn’t mean this situation isn’t totally unfair.”
He continued to play with her clit but said nothing, and Kimber, nearing her second climax of the evening, had given up on him saying anything at all. Finally, he kissed her neck, working his way to her lips. “You’re right. It is unfair,” he said. “I’ll tell you everything in the morning, I promise. Let’s just have one last night of this though. Please?”
“Okay.” Her breath grew shallow as her legs shook with her impending release. “In the morning. The truth.”
To say Jay awoke at the crack of dawn would be a lie, as he’d lain awake all night, staring at the ceiling while Kimber slept in his arms, quiet as a grave and drooling on his chest. He couldn’t believe he had the only thing he ever wanted and wasn’t the least bit pleased about it. This was a classic case if “be careful what you wish for.”
The sun’s first rays passed between the heavy curtains, and Jay forced himself from the bed and Kimber’s embrace. All the co-ed sleepover parties they’d had with their friends in high school had taught him Kimber slept like a coma patient, and that hadn’t changed. She didn’t once stir as he left the mattress, their island.
Jay raked both hands through his hair and watched her still form, wanting to cry. She’d wanted him to make her come and he’d done just that, which made him feel like a fucking god and a fucking asshole. As for himself, he’d wanted to meet her last night to finally tell her the truth, but he’d gone and fucked it up again. He couldn’t believe he’d been so weak. They’d soon be running pictures of his spine on milk cartons.
Part of him-the part he hated to admit to-knew he’d arranged this tryst, fully aware he had no intentions of telling her but fearing it’d be the last chance he’d ever have of being with her. Last night had been a goodbye. There was no way they could make something from this god-awful mess, and it was his fault. What was wrong with him? Why did he have to be such a stupid bastard?
Jay dressed with the speed of a man on death row approaching his impending execution. He cursed every decision he ever made; they all led him to this point. How could anything ever go back to normal between him and Kimber? How was he going to be able to look her in the eye now? There was no way.
He turned to Kimber, still sleeping, and wished more than anything that climbing back in bed, removing her blindfold, and kissing her everywhere until she awakened was an option. But it wasn’t and never would be, and the thought was so painful it was if his chest would crack open.
His hands shaking, he sat at the small table with the hotel’s pen and paper and scribbled Kimber a note using his left hand instead of his right, fearing she’d recognize his handwriting otherwise. Jesus, he couldn’t even tell the truth in an anonymous note.
But he could tell most of it. As quick as he could using his less dominant hand, he scrawled in the weak light:
I hate that I’m not there when you wake up and that I won’t ever be. You’ve no idea how much I want to make something work with you, but I know for a fact you would never love me with the blinders off. I’m sorry for any pain I’ve caused you, but know I feel it, too, and I’ll regret hurting you for the rest of my life. I wish I had been brave enough to be honest with you from the start, but I was too weak to do the right thing.
I’ll always be thinking of you.
Don’t seek me out.
He laid the note on the table and, after one last look that nearly wrenched his heart out, left the room, ready to face the cold light of morning.