Ashley continued to talk but Jeff wasn't listening. He couldn't believe what she'd said.
Pregnant?
He tried to figure out what, if anything, he was feeling, but he couldn't tell. It was as if his entire brain had shut down. Pregnant. He turned the word over and over in his mind wondering how it could be possible.
"And don't for a moment think that you're going to say something stupid like 'Who's the father'?" she said, still glaring at him. "You know exactly where I've been spending my nights. This baby is yours-"
A baby. That was more real than hearing her say she was pregnant. Had they really produced a child together? A living being growing inside of her that would become an infant and grow into a child.
He hadn't thought he was human enough to father a child. He remembered what the doctor had talked about when there had been problems with Nicole. That he, Jeff, had a low sperm count. Something about less than optimal numbers. That it was unlikely he could father a child in the traditional manner, although there had been other alternatives if they'd been interested. By then, Nicole wasn't interested. She'd said that the reason he couldn't father a child wasn't about his sperm count but the fact that he was no longer human.
She'd been wrong.
Jeff had never thought to question the doctor further. Until Ashley had entered his life, he'd used condoms for health reasons. Although with her that had never seemed necessary. He knew he was healthy, so he hadn't worried about passing anything on to her. But he'd never considered that he might be able to get her pregnant.
"Are you even listening to me?" she demanded.
Something bright and alive flashed inside of him. It was hot and pure and it took him several seconds to recognize the feeling.
Joy. Pure, wonderful joy.
He grabbed her at the waist and swung her around the room. She shrieked and hung on to his shoulders. "Jeff! Put me down. I'm not happy about this."
He knew, but he couldn't help smiling at her. "We're having a baby."
"I believe I was the one who informed you of that. Stop grinning like a sheep. This isn't good news."
He tried to sober. "I know. I'm sorry. I wasn't playing with you, Ashley. I didn't know I could get you pregnant. Based on what the doctor had told me before, I never thought it would be an issue. I really do have a low sperm count. If you would like the name and phone number of the doctor, I'll give it to you. I wasn't being irresponsible on purpose."
She pulled away from him and moved over to the leather sofa by the back wall. Once there, she sank onto a cushion and dropped her head into her hands.
"I know," she said softly. "I never thought you planned this. I mean I know I sort of implied it by what I said, but that was more shock and temper than anything else." She raised her head and looked at him. "You might not have many sperm but the ones you have seem frisky enough."
She drew in a shaky breath, then swore and started to cry. "I can't believe this is happening to me. I thought I finally had my life all together. I had so many plans for Maggie and myself and now I'm going to have a b-baby."
The last word broke on a sob. Jeff knelt beside her. As he had before when she'd cried, he touched her tears, marveling in her ability to feel so much. To let herself live in the world rather than outside of it.
"I know you're confused and upset," he said soothingly. He was neither. The path was obvious to him. He'd created this problem in her life and he was going to fix it. "You don't have to be. Your plans will be different now, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I'll be providing for you, Maggie and the baby. You can finish your degree or not. It's your choice."
She blinked and several more tears ran down her cheeks. "That's crazy, Jeff. We're not your responsibility. Well, maybe the baby is, but not the rest of it."
"I want the responsibility. I want to take care of you. I want you to marry me."
Married? Married! Ashley stared at Jeff, unable to form any more words in her brain. Married?
"You want to marry me?" she asked, not able to believe what he'd said.
"Yes. As soon as possible."
She shook her head. When she'd first suspected the truth, she'd dismissed the possibility of being pregnant. Never one for a regular period, the length of time since her last one hadn't been much of a concern. But as the days had turned into weeks, she'd begun to wonder. Then yesterday when she'd stopped at the drugstore to buy vitamins for Maggie, she'd found herself in the family-planning aisle, studying the different pregnancy kits. Even as she'd told herself it wasn't possible, she'd bought one. Two hours ago, she'd had her hunch confirmed.
She'd been so angry, first at Jeff for what she'd thought were his lies, but mostly at herself. She knew better. She was smart and responsible. So why had she gotten so careless with something as important as birth control? She'd always wanted more kids, but not like this.
"You don't have to do this," she told him. "While I'd appreciate some help until I get my degree, marriage isn't necessary."
She wished he wouldn't talk about it anymore. She didn't want to be married to someone who didn't care about her. She didn't want to be an obligation.
He cupped her face in his large, strong hand. Despite not knowing how she was going to put her life back together, she couldn't help rubbing her cheek against his palm. If she had to have an unexpected pregnancy, she would prefer Jeff to be the father. At least she knew she was getting a very strong, intelligent gene pool.
"I want to marry you," he said, gazing into her eyes. "Not because it's the right thing to do, but because I don't want to let you go. I'm not willing to lose you, Maggie or the baby."
Happiness crashed over her like a wave. She flung her arms around him and pulled him close.
"You care!" she said, starting to cry all over again, but this time they were tears of happiness. "Oh, Jeff, I'd hoped you did, but I wasn't sure. You never said anything. You could be distant. I was afraid you were just in it for the sex."
She sniffed and straightened, then kissed him on the mouth, on his nose, on his cheeks, before hugging him again.
"I love you," she whispered fiercely. "I have for a long time. At least it's been coming on for a while. I knew for sure that weekend we went away. My very own warrior."
"Ashley." He was the one to pull back this time. He wiped away her tears. "You don't have to say this. I want to marry you."
"No. It's not because of the baby." She grasped his hands in hers. "Please don't think it's because of that or gratitude. I really mean it. I love you so much. You're everything I've ever wanted. I can't believe I got so lucky to find someone like you. Someone so good and strong. You're different from any man I've ever known."
She sniffed, then smiled. "I know the whole emotional thing is really hard for you, so I'm doubly honored that you would trust me with your heart. I swear, I'll never give you a reason to regret this. I'll love you forever."
He leaned forward and kissed her. "You make me very happy," he told her.
"And I'm even a pretty decent evasive driver," she teased, then kissed him back.
All her dreams were finally coming true, she thought as he pulled her close and hugged her. Jeff loved her more than anyone in the world. In his arms she could feel safe, loved and at home.
"Mommy, you have a secret," Maggie complained that night at dinner. "I can tell."
Jeff wasn't surprised the little girl had figured out something was different with her mother. Ashley practically glowed. Her smile was radiant, her step extra-bouncy, her conversation excited.
"A secret?" Ashley said, her voice teasing. "You think so?" She turned to smile at him, a smile full of adoration. "What do you think, Jeff? Is there a secret?"
He knew she was playing a game and wanted him to be a part of it. But he couldn't be as lighthearted about the situation. He was confused and felt guilty. Which didn't make sense because he'd been telling the truth when he'd said he would marry her. He wanted to marry her. However, she thought he loved her.
Love. Jeff didn't know what the word meant. Not anymore. Perhaps there had been a time when he'd been a part of a family, just like everyone else. Those long-ago memories didn't have any place in his current reality. So when she said she loved him, he wasn't sure if he understood what that meant.
He believed in Ashley's capacity to love. He'd seen it firsthand with Maggie. Ashley was patient and caring. She'd seen him at his worst and she was still here. Wanting to be with him. Claiming to love him.
"Mommy, tell me!" Maggie pursed her lips together in a scowl. "I want to know!"
Ashley pulled her daughter onto her lap and hugged her. "Okay. It's a really good secret. I think you're going to be very happy."
Maggie's blue eyes widened. "Are we getting a kitten?"
"No. It's better than that."
Now that Ashley had Maggie's attention, she hesitated. Jeff knew her well enough to know that she was searching for the right words. She wanted to explain the situation simply and in a way that left the four-year-old feeling safe.
He was glad he wasn't the one who had to figure the best way to say it. Words had never been his strong suit. Actions had always been easier.
As Ashley started talking about how nice it had been to live in "Uncle Jeff's" house, he studied them. The overhead kitchen light illuminated their faces, making the similarities between them easy to spot. How much would their child look like Ashley? Or would the child look like him?
The questions startled him, reminding him again of the fact that he and Ashley were going to have a baby together. He dropped his gaze to her flat stomach. A baby grew in there. He was still stunned that he'd been able to get her pregnant. Now that she and Maggie were going to be a permanent part of his world, he was determined to take care of them.
"Well," Ashley was saying, "what if we never had to leave Uncle Jeff's house? What if we lived here for always?"
Maggie looked at him, her rosebud mouth parting. "We can stay? Promise?"
His throat tightened. The sensation was unfamiliar. "I'd like that."
Ashley tucked a curl behind her daughter's ear. "Maggie, I love you very much. I will always love you."
"I know, Mommy. I love you, too."
"I also love Jeff. And he loves us. I'm going to marry him."
Jeff waited, his throat tight, his heart seemingly still. He and Ashley had discussed waiting to tell Maggie about the baby. She would need time to get used to her new family before having to adjust to having a younger sibling.
Maggie looked at him. "Will you be my daddy when you and Mommy get married?"
Odd feelings crashed through him. He couldn't identify any of them so he didn't know what they meant. However, they made it tough to talk. He had to swallow a couple of times before he could get out the words.
"Would you like that?"
She threw herself at him. "When we went to church on Easter I asked God to send me a new daddy, and he did!"
Her small arms wrapped tightly around his neck. Her weight settled on his body. He hugged her back. With a fierceness that surprised him, he vowed to himself he would always keep this precious child safe. If that wasn't love, it was the best he could do.
"So you're okay with this?" Ashley asked. "You're happy that I'm marrying Jeff?"
"Daddy," Maggie said, planting a sticky kiss on his cheek. "You're marrying Daddy."
Tears filled Ashley's eyes. She wrapped her arms around them both.
For the first time in many years, Jeff felt as if he was a part of something important and special. Daddy. The word felt both odd and right.
He shifted so he could reach his suit jacket, hanging behind him on the chair back. In the right outside pocket was a small box. He'd stopped to pick it up on his way home. Now he grabbed the box and held it out to Ashley.
Both females stared at the square of dark blue velvet.
"What is it?" Ashley asked.
"What do you think?"
She shrugged, then lightly touched the top of the box. "Maybe an engagement ring?"
"Got it in one."
He was suddenly nervous. Should he have waited and asked her if it was all right to buy her a ring? Should he have taken her shopping with him? He'd actually just stopped to look when he'd seen the elegant design and had known right away that it was perfect for her.
"Open it," he told her.
She took the box and did as he requested. Both Ashley and Maggie gasped as she drew out an emerald-cut diamond on a platinum band. Smaller baguette-cut diamonds were set into the band. Light caught the larger gem and made it glow.
"It's gorgeous," Ashley breathed.
"Do you really like it?"
She looked stunned for another second or two, then threw her arms around his neck and hugged him close. "Jeff, it's so beautiful and way too expensive. You didn't have to do this for me."
"I wanted to."
"Thank you. You've made me very happy."
Her scent, the feel of her body, the pressure of her mouth on his were all familiar. They filled him with a confidence that he'd never felt before. In that moment he knew he could take on the world and win.
"Oh, Jeff."
Ashley snuggled against him in his bed. She curled herself around him, resting her head on his shoulder and gazing up at her engagement ring.
"I still think you spent way too much money."
"I don't, and it's my money. At least until we get married."
She turned and looked at him. "No. It will always be your money. I want you to keep everything you made before the marriage separate. That way it's not community property."
He frowned. "Why would you want that?"
"Because I'm not marrying you for your money. I love you. But if I start asking for things or taking what's yours, you'll start to question me, and I don't want that. Everything has happened so fast. Your last experience with marriage wasn't exactly positive. I want this to be different. I want it to be forever. So I need you to trust me."
He smoothed her hair off her face. "I trust you with my life," he said. Didn't she know that trusting or not trusting wasn't the problem?
"Good. Then keep everything you have now in your own name and it will never be an issue between us. Besides, in a couple of years I'm going to be the one making the big bucks, and then you'll be worried about me thinking you're in it for the money."
She grinned and he couldn't help smiling in return. What twist of fate had brought this beautiful, giving woman into his life? How had he gotten so lucky as to have won her heart and that of her daughter?
"Speaking of my career, or the training thereof, I have finals in a couple of weeks." She rested her hand on his chest and her chin on her hand. "I have to really buckle down and study, so I was thinking we could get married after that. Or did you want to wait longer?"
"I will marry you whenever you say," he told her. "After finals works for me. What do you want to do?"
She wrinkled her nose. "Something small is fine with me. Maybe just a couple of friends with a justice of the peace and then we all go out to dinner?"
"What about a honeymoon?"
She arched her eyebrows. "What did you have in mind?"
"A couple of nights somewhere by ourselves. Maybe San Francisco. Then a week or so with Maggie."
She sighed contently. "This is why I want to marry you. You're such a great man, Jeff. Thoughtful and caring. It means a lot to me that you're willing to bring Maggie."
"I wouldn't want to leave her behind."
"I agree." She hesitated, then ran her free hand through the hair on his chest. "Do you think we did the right thing, not telling her about the baby? I mean, there's plenty of time. I won't really be showing until I'm well into my fourth month."
"The wedding is enough for her right now."
"Okay. That's what I thought, too." She looked at him. "What about your family? Do you want to tell them about us? You've never said very much about them. Are you seriously estranged?"
His family? He hadn't thought about them over the past few years. "No one got angry and stalked out," he said, "if that's what you're asking. My visits made my folks uncomfortable so I stopped going."
"Why?"
"For the same reason Nicole divorced me. I was different."
"I bet they'd like to see you now," she told him. "It's been a long time and I'm sure they miss you. Maybe you could give them a second chance."
He shrugged. He didn't have an opinion one way or the other.
"You're their son," she persisted. "You matter. They love you."
"Do they?" he asked, because he wasn't sure. "What does that mean? What do you feel when you say you love me? How can you be sure?"
She laughed and rolled onto her back. "I'm sure because it's written in the stars. Because I hear the sound of the ocean when we're together, not to mention a choir of angels."
"No. Seriously. What do you feel? How do you know?"
She sat up, leaning against the headboard and pulled the covers up over her bare breasts. Her humor faded and her eyes darkened. "You're not joking? You really want to know what I feel when I say I love you?"
He nodded.
"Jeff?" She paused and licked her lips. "Why are you asking me that?"
Her voice sounded very small. He could see her pulse beating in her throat. As she watched him her heart rate increased and her skin paled.
He knew then that he'd made a huge mistake pursuing that line of questioning. He wished he could call back the words and talk about something else.
"You don't love me," Ashley breathed. Her hands tightened around the covers she held in front of herself. "Dear God, why didn't I see it before? You don't love me. You want to marry me because of the baby."
"No," he said quickly, even though it was true. "I care about you and Maggie very much. You're both important to me. More important than anyone has been in a long time. Maybe ever. I want to keep you both close and take care of you. I want to be there for you, your daughter and our child. I want to learn to be a good husband and father."
Tears filled her hazel eyes. "But you don't love us."
Deep inside of him something began to ache. He knew that if he told her the truth, he risked losing her. But he couldn't lie.
"I don't know how. I don't know what love is. I feel something," he said, touching his chest. "I want you. I miss you when we're apart. I want the best for you, Maggie and the baby. Is that love?"
Ashley felt the tears on her cheek. She told herself to say something, to scream, to run, but she was immobilized by disbelief and shock. All her life she'd wanted only one thing-to be loved by someone who would love her more than anything else in the world. Foolishly she'd given her heart to Jeff even knowing that he wasn't likely to care about her that way. When he'd proposed, she'd allowed herself to believe that he was more than she'd imagined.
She thought she'd finally found everything she'd ever wanted in the world, but she'd been wrong. It was all just an illusion.
"I can't," she murmured, not sure what she was saying she couldn't do. Stay? Marry him? Keep breathing?
Feeling returned to her limbs-a tingling pain as if they'd been asleep for a long time. She forced herself to climb out of bed and reach for her robe. Her body ached and it was difficult for her to walk.
"Ashley, where are you going?"
"To my room. I have to think." She had to figure out how everything had gone so terribly wrong.
Jeff lay in the darkness, listening to the silence in the house. Ashley had left him several hours before. While he knew what had gone wrong, he didn't know how to fix the situation. Was he supposed to go after her? Should he try to explain? Except what was there to say?
She wanted a piece of his heart. He'd figured out that much. He would have offered all of it, had it been his to give. But that tender organ had long since died, leaving him only a hollow shell of a man. There had been no other way to survive the horrors of what he'd seen and experienced. He'd ruthlessly cut out any delicate feelings because they were dangerous. He'd had to become a machine to survive. Now he was in a situation that required him to be a tender man and he no longer remembered how.
He rose and walked to the window. The night sky was surprisingly clear. He studied the stars as if the answers could be found there. Cold seeped in through the glass. He shivered.
Suddenly the coldness came from within. It was thick and dark and froze him to the center of his being.
She would leave him now.
Jeff leaned his forehead against the cool glass and held in the cry of anguish. No, he thought. She couldn't go. If she left, he would not survive. He could not. Without her he would turn into the robot of his nightmares. Without her he wouldn't have a chance.
Hurrying, he left his room and found his way to hers. The light was off, but she wasn't asleep. He could hear the soft sound of her weeping. Without saying anything, he climbed into her bed and pulled her close. She came to him willingly, holding him tight, pressing her cheek against his chest.
"Stay," she whispered.
"I will. Just don't leave me."
He breathed in the scent of her, the heat of her, needing her to chase away the chill. But the ice lingered, fueled by her tears and his knowledge that nothing had been resolved.