Three days later Ashley was just as hurt and confused as she'd been when she first realized that Jeff didn't love her. What was she supposed to do? Stay with him? Marry him anyway, knowing that he didn't love her? They were going to have a child together, which meant something to her. She thought it meant something to him. And Maggie adored him.
She pushed aside her accounting theory textbook and rose to her feet. With all the emotional conflict in her life, she was having a difficult time studying. Maybe a break would help.
She went in search of Jeff and Maggie. He'd offered to take care of her daughter for the evening, giving Ashley time to study. She'd appreciated the offer and had accepted. Not only so she could hit the books, but because she found it difficult to be with Jeff these days. She kept trying to figure out what he was thinking and feeling.
As far as she was concerned, the formula was simple. If he didn't love her, she wasn't staying. They could work out some kind of arrangement for their child later, but she wouldn't be married to a man who didn't love her. So why was she still here? What was she waiting for? Was it inertia, or something more? Was she stalling for time because she was hoping for a miracle, or did she really believe that Jeff's feelings were deeper than he realized?
Ironically, while her life before Jeff had been more difficult financially, in other ways it had been a whole lot easier. Her choices had been simple. Now she found herself deciding one minute to stay because she couldn't imagine life without Jeff, then the next minute, telling herself they would leave in the morning.
She walked into the family room. Jeff and Maggie sat on the floor, her daughter on his lap, his back pressed against the sofa. They were watching a cartoon movie based on the Tarzan legend.
Maggie was draped across Jeff, her head leaning trustingly against his chest. One of his big hands rested on her belly and she absently tugged on his fingers. On the floor lay a half-dozen dolls in various stages of dress, surrounded by scattered clothes. Obviously they'd been playing one of Maggie's favorite games of pretend: Fashion Show.
Ashley couldn't help smiling as she imagined Jeff fumbling with the miniature fastenings of the small but intricate clothing. Yet she knew without having been in the room that he'd been patient with Maggie, following her lead and making her feel special. She knew that he would have little interest in the Tarzan movie, yet he would watch it as if it was a matter of world peace. That next week he would willingly watch it again.
She leaned against the doorframe and folded her arms over her chest. She wanted answers. Ashley shook her head. No. She wanted a sure thing. She wanted to know that Jeff was the one. As if there were only one perfect person. She didn't want to make a mistake; she didn't want another loser in her life.
She wanted him to promise that he would love her forever. And when he couldn't say the words, she wanted to leave him. But what about his actions? What about the fact that when it had really counted, he'd show up for both her and Maggie? What about every kind thing he'd done? What about how he'd taken her into his world, afraid it would drive her away, yet needing her to see the truth of what he did? What about him wanting to marry her because he'd made a baby with her?
He was, she realized, the most honorable man she'd ever known. How could she have doubted him?
Jeff might not know how to tell her how he felt but he showed her every day. And wasn't that what mattered? Wasn't it all about actions rather than any slick words? He might not know the state of his heart, but with every kindness, every moment of caring and patience, he demonstrated what he felt.
"Ashley?"
She looked up and saw that he'd seen her. She read the questions in his eyes. Things hadn't been right since they'd had that late-night talk. She glanced at her daughter and knew this wasn't the time.
"I just wanted to say hi," she told him. "And that I love you."
Hope flared in his eyes. "Still? Even…" His voice trailed off.
"Still," she assured him and felt contentment. He was the one she wanted, for always.
After Maggie was in bed that night, she went searching for him. He was in his study, going over some papers. As she approached, he set down his pen. "We have to talk," he said.
"I know." She circled around the desk and slipped onto his lap. Then she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. "I've decided that we're going to be all right. You need some time to come to grips with all that's happened between us. It's been fast and a real change. I understand that. You've spent the past, what, fifteen years living like some Rambo guy. Family life is going to be an adjustment. I trust you. Completely."
"I'm glad," he said, setting her on her feet and standing next to her. "Because we have to go over a few things before I leave."
"Leave?"
"My trip to the Mediterranean. The Kirkman case."
"Oh. Yeah. You told me." In all the emotional trauma, she'd forgotten. She followed him over to the leather sofa and settled next to him. She pointed to the folder waiting on the coffee table. "State secrets?"
"No."
"A security plan?"
"Not exactly."
She tilted her head. "Okay. You're not being wildly chatty. Why don't you take over the conversation."
"I want to talk about my will." He opened the folder and drew out a thick document. "I saw my lawyer yesterday to get a new will. I've left everything to you, except for two separate life insurance policies I had set up for Maggie and the baby. You're the trustee for both policies. It should be enough to cover raising them, along with college."
She stared at the document, but couldn't make it come into focus. A will? "I don't understand."
"If things don't go well, I want you to be taken care of. The business is set up with an automatic sale of my half to Zane, if something happens to me, and the same if he dies. You'll receive the proceeds from the sale, along with the house. I have a 401k, investments, checking and savings accounts. Brenda will get in touch with my financial adviser if anything happens, and Jerry can walk you through it all."
"No." She pushed the folder away. "I don't want to talk about this. Not now. I told you. I'm not interested in your money."
His gray gaze was steady. "I understand that, Ashley, and I believe you. However, if I don't come back, I want you taken care of."
If I don't come back.
She slid into the corner of the sofa. "Don't come back? What are you talking about?"
He sighed. "Probably nothing. This isn't an extremely high-risk operation."
Operation? "Are we talking about your business trip?"
"It's a security detail. These men are very highly placed. There have been both death and kidnapping threats. We've prepared for the worst and I'm sure everything will be fine. But if something happens, I want you to have financial security."
She sprang to her feet. "No. I don't want financial security. I want you to come back."
"I'm sure I will."
She pointed to the folder. "You're not sure. That's why we're having this conversation. Jeff, are you telling me that you could die on this trip?"
He shifted uncomfortably on the sofa. "It's unlikely."
"How unlikely?"
"Less than a thirty percent chance."
Her mouth dropped open. Thirty percent? There was a thirty percent chance he could die? While he was gone?
"No," she said firmly. "No. You can't go. You cannot die. Not until we're both old. I don't want you to die." She'd just found him. She refused to lose him.
"Ashley, be reasonable. This is what I do."
"You're crazy, then. How can you walk out on Maggie and me? And what about the baby?" She paced to his desk, then spun to face him. "You can't. You just can't. Dammit, Jeff, you're not some solitary soldier giving his all for God and country. This is just some assignment. You can't leave like this. It's wrong. You have a responsibility to us. We need you to come home to us."
"This is what I do."
"No, it isn't. You run a security company. You have a staff. You have other people to do this kind of thing."
"So I should send someone else out there to die?"
She felt as if he'd hit her in the stomach. She clutched her midsection and bent at the waist.
He was going to die. That's what he was trying to tell her. The claim of it only being a thirty percent chance had been a lie designed to calm her fears.
"Ashley-"
"No!" she shouted, straightening and glaring at him. "All my life the people I've cared about and loved haven't loved me back. Not enough to stay. Not enough to keep from dying. I thought you were different. I thought you really cared, but because of your background you couldn't get in touch with your feelings. But now I know that I was wrong. You can't express your feelings because you don't have them. I thought you would change and realize you love us, but you won't. You don't love us. You're going to leave me and die, just like everyone else. You don't think I'm worth living for."
He rose. "You're wrong. You are worth living for. I have every intention of coming back to you."
"That's not good enough. I don't want you to go."
"I have to go. It's my job." He hesitated. "You knew what I was before, Ashley. Nothing has changed."
"Yes, it has." Before, she hadn't realized the truth. "Loving someone means wanting to stick around." As soon as she said the words, she braced herself for him to say he didn't love her at all, so what did staying matter. But he didn't. Instead his expression turned sad.
"I would have thought loving someone meant accepting every part of that person," he said. "You knew who and what I was when you first met me, so I don't understand why it's suddenly a problem. It's ironic. Nicole could accept what I did, but not what I'd become. You understand who I am, yet you won't accept what I do. I guess we both expected more of each other."
Ashley felt as if he'd slapped her. She'd been so sure she was the one in the right and that he was wrong. But his words caught her off guard. Too stunned to speak, she could only watch as he walked out of the room.
Jeff waited the entire night, but she never came to him. He'd tried to go to her, but her door had remained closed and she hadn't answered his light knock.
The next morning he packed his suitcase and made his way downstairs. He'd left the folder on the coffee table in his study. If something happened to him, he wanted Ashley to be able to find it.
She was in the kitchen with Maggie. The dark circles under her eyes told him that she, too, had had a restless night. As they stared at each other, he wished he could find the words to make it right between them. He wished there was a way to explain why he had to do this job-why he had to do every job. That stepping into the line of fire was the only way to atone.
Maggie saw him and scrambled out of her seat.
"Daddy, Daddy, Mommy says you have to go away and I don't want you to go."
She flung herself at him. With an ease he wouldn't have believed possible just a couple of months ago, he set down his suitcase, bent low and picked her up, swinging her into his arms. She clung to him.
"Don't go," she said, her big blue eyes filled with tears.
"I have to. This is about work. But I'll be home in about a week."
"A week is a very long time."
"I know. I'll miss you."
As he spoke he looked over her head toward Ashley, but the woman who had so changed him wouldn't meet his gaze. She sat at the table, carefully stirring her coffee.
Maggie rested her head on his shoulder and sighed. She was so small, he thought uneasily. How could she possibly survive? He found himself wanting to stay, to make sure that she was going to be all right. But he couldn't. He had a job to do.
"I'll bring you something," he told her as he set her on the floor.
She brightened immediately. "A kitten?"
"No. Mommy and I have to talk about that first. But something nice."
"Something for Mommy, too?"
He looked at Ashley. She was still staring intently at her coffee. "Yes, something for Mommy."
Jeff hesitated. He wanted to say something that would make things better between them. He wanted to heal the breach, but he didn't know how. In the end all he did was pick up his suitcase.
"I need to get to work. I'll guess I'll see you in a week."
"Will you call?" Ashley asked without looking up.
Phone her? He'd never considered the possibility. But he could. Staying in touch would be easy. "Sure." He calculated the time difference. "Say the early evening, after dinner?"
She nodded. "That would be nice. Thank you."
He wanted to go to her and pull her to her feet and into his arms. He wanted to beg her to tell him that she wouldn't give up on him, that it wasn't over between them. He wanted to know how he was supposed to make her happy when everything about their relationship confused him.
Instead he said nothing. He turned on his heel and walked out of the kitchen.
Maggie called after him. "Mommy and I love you."
He could only hope it was still true.
Six hours later he pored over the diagrams of the villa one last time. The private jet would take off from Boeing Field at four. The team was already assembled, the equipment checked.
"I can't believe you're doing this," Zane said as he walked into Jeff's office.
"What are you talking about?" he asked his partner.
Zane stalked over to the table and stabbed at the papers. "I can't believe you're really going to do this."
"The job? It's my responsibility."
"No. It's our responsibility. I'm a partner in this, remember. I can do this job." Zane glared at him. "It was bad enough when you wanted all the glory for yourself, but now you have a family to think about."
Glory? "Is that what you think?" Jeff asked. "That taking the most dangerous assignments is about glory? I never wanted my name in the papers. None of that mattered."
Zane's dark eyes were bleak when he spoke. "If it's about the dead, don't you think I have some ghosts of my own? Just because I was a sharpshooter doesn't mean I wasn't involved. Killing from a distance is still killing, Jeff. When I had to plan operations, the numbers of the dead weren't faceless. I studied the recon photos afterward to see how my plan had been carried out. I could see what I'd done in every shade of color."
Jeff stared at his partner. "I hadn't realized," he said.
Zane shrugged. "Before, it wasn't important for you to know, but things are different. You have Ashley and Maggie now."
And the baby, but Zane didn't know about that yet. A family. That's what his partner was saying. Jeff had responsibilities for more than the job. At one time he would have agreed, but not now. Ashley might claim to love him, but he doubted it was true. She loved parts of him. The parts she could admire. But the true blackness of his soul was beyond her. He thought she understood who and what he was, but he'd been wrong. She was already pulling away.
What he couldn't admit to Zane, what he could barely think to himself, was how much it hurt. He'd allowed himself to believe. When she'd heard about his nightmares and hadn't turned away, he'd experienced his first spark of hope. Later, instead of being frightened off by the executive retreat, she'd had fun. He'd told her more details about his past and still she'd stayed, eventually claiming to love him. And he'd believed her because he'd been desperate to keep her in his life.
But in the end, she couldn't handle what he did. She wanted him to change, to take a job that wouldn't put him in danger. She wasn't willing to love all of him.
"I don't think Ashley and Maggie are going to be sticking around much longer," Jeff said, gathering up the diagrams. "Ashley doesn't approve of these kind of missions."
"Can you blame her? Who wants to see someone she loves facing down a bullet?"
"It's what I do."
"That's complete bull and you know it. You chose how you participate in the assignment. You hire the best and train them to be better, then instead of letting them get on with their job, you meddle." Zane took a step closer to him. "You know what I think, Jeff? I think you're afraid. You care about Ashley and her daughter and that scares you. You've never had to care before. Suddenly, after all these years, you have something to lose. What if your edge is gone? What if at the last minute you don't want to take the bullet? But instead of celebrating the fact that you have a chance at a normal life, you walk away."
Zane glared at him in disgust. "You're an idiot. Don't you get it? Chances like this don't come along very often."
"You don't have anyone in your life," Jeff said, trying to ignore the truth of his friend's words.
"You're right. Because the one person I was supposed to be with died. There's not a single day that goes by without me thinking about her, wishing things could be different. I lost my chance. What's your excuse?"
Jeff wasn't sure what to say. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I didn't know."
"Yeah, well, now you do. So quit being a jerk who would rather take a bullet in the back than admit he might have fallen in love."
Ashley couldn't get Jeff's words out of her head. She kept telling herself that he was wrong, that she hadn't betrayed him. She was the injured party. But no matter how many times she told herself that, she couldn't quite make herself believe it.
She paced the length of the kitchen, ignoring her open accounting books. While she knew she should be studying, she couldn't stop thinking about Jeff. Thinking and watching the clock. His plane would take off in less than two hours. After that she wouldn't see him for a week… or maybe not ever again.
"I can't go through this," she said, squeezing her eyes shut. "I can't sit around waiting for him to die. All I wanted was someone to love me back. To want to live for me and love me more than anyone. An unconditional love."
She opened her eyes and stared unseeingly out the window. Jeff was never going to love her that way. She wanted to scream her frustration. She wanted to throw something. She knew in her heart she wasn't as angry about his work as she was about the loss of her dream. She'd thought they would have a chance, but she'd been wrong. Damn the man for not loving her on her timetable and in the way she'd always imagined. Didn't he know he was messing with her lifelong dream? Ever since her sister had died, she'd ached to feel safe again. But with Jeff running off to throw himself in front of a bullet, she could never feel that way.
She could never-
Ashley froze in the center of the kitchen. She blinked once, then again. She wanted Jeff to love her on her timetable. She wanted him to love her unconditionally. She wanted.
But what about Jeff? Didn't he deserve the same wants and desires? Wasn't he entitled to a love that encompassed all of him, not just the parts she really liked? Who was she to dictate his life? As he'd pointed out the previous night, she'd known what he was when she'd met him. So why was she so angry about it now? Was it possible that she wanted to be loved unconditionally without doing the same in return?
As if showing a movie, her brain flashed pictures of her time with Jeff. From the first moment they'd met, he'd been giving, gentle and kind. He didn't know how to be a husband or a father, yet he was willing to take on both jobs. The second she'd told him about the baby, he'd wanted to marry her. In the past couple of months, he'd started to change, opening up more, feeling more. Perhaps he didn't know what was in his heart; perhaps he could never say the words. But she knew. He was a man deeply committed. He was a man in love.
How could she have been so incredibly stupid? Was she really going to let him walk out of her life, possibly get killed, thinking she was mad at him? He was everything she'd ever wanted. Why on earth was she willing to let him go?
She glanced at the clock and panicked. There wasn't much time.
"Maggie?" she yelled, running toward the family room. "We have to go out right now. I want us to say goodbye to Jeff."
Jeff crossed to the waiting area. The jet was due to take off in about ten minutes. His team was in place. They'd finished their last equipment check and were getting ready to board when he heard a high-pitched voice.
"Daddy! We want to say goodbye."
Stunned, Jeff turned slowly and saw Maggie and Ashley waving from the entrance to the building. The little girl broke away from her mother and ran toward him. She held out her arms and threw herself at him.
"Mommy drove really fast," Maggie confided before giving him a wet kiss on his cheek. "We didn't want to miss you."
He looked at Ashley for confirmation. She shrugged sheepishly. "I wasn't reckless and I didn't go over the speed limit-much."
A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. She wore jeans and a sweater and she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.
"You're not mad at me anymore?" he asked, not sure what could have changed her mind.
She moved close and joined her daughter in wrapping her arms around him. "I'm sorry, Jeff. I shouldn't have said all those things." She looked up at him and grinned. "Just because you're an idiot doesn't mean I'm going to stop loving you."
Her words were like a soothing balm on the open wounds of his heart.
"Besides," she said. "You have to come back and marry me. Maggie wants you to be her dad. I want you to be my husband and we have that other consideration."
He knew she was referring to the baby. He put Maggie on the ground and took Ashley's hands in his. "But this is what I am. I'm not going to change. I'm a soldier, Ashley. Parts of me will never see the light of day."
"I know. While that doesn't make me happy, I accept and love all of you. Just don't you dare die out there. I'll be so angry, I'll hunt you down in the afterworld."
"Are you sure?"
She nodded. "I understand why you have to question me, Jeff. I'm sorry for how I acted. You're the best man I've ever known. It's okay that you can't speak from your heart yet. I even get that you may never be able to say the words. But your actions have a voice of their own and they tell me how you feel."
She hesitated, then shrugged. "All my life I've wanted someone to love me more than anything. I finally figured out I'd better be worth that kind of devotion. Which means I don't have the right to change your life. As you pointed out to me last night, I knew exactly who and what you were when I fell in love with you."
She rose on her toes and kissed him on the mouth. "We'll miss you while you're gone and we'll be waiting for you to return. I love you."
Jeff released her hands. Ashley watched him embrace her daughter, then he hugged her one last time. She tried not to cling to him, but it was hard. She wanted to beg him to stay. She wanted to plead her case one last time, telling him that they needed him alive. But she didn't. He had a job to do and she needed to respect that.
So she put on a brave face as he walked away and kept the tears at bay until he walked out of the hangar and toward the jet waiting on the runway. She saw Zane climbing the stairs. Jeff was right behind him. It was only then that she allowed herself to give in to the sadness filling her.
"Mommy, why are you crying?" Maggie asked.
"I'm going to miss Jeff very much."
Tears spilled out of her daughter's eyes. "Me, too. I'm going to pray for him every night."
Ashley would do the same. Pray and wait and love him because he was the best part of her.
She picked up Maggie and held her close. Together they made their way to the car.
"We're a mess," Ashley said, trying to stem the flow of tears. "Look at us."
She managed a feeble smile. Maggie attempted one, as well, but it wasn't very successful. Ashley fumbled with her keys. She set her daughter on the ground so she could push the metal into the lock.
Moisture blurred her vision. Behind them, the whine of the jet engine increased. He was leaving and she had to let him go.
She shoved the key into the lock, but it wouldn't fit. Then a warm, strong hand settled on top of hers, steadying her, guiding her, and the key slid home.
Ashley turned and saw Jeff standing behind her. "How…? What…? Oh, thank you."
She flung herself into his arms, clinging as if she would never let go.
"Zane said I was an idiot for leaving you and Maggie," he murmured against her hair. "I finally figured out he was right. Besides, he always did hate sharing the glory."
She didn't know what to say. Happiness flooded her, filling her so much, she thought she might start to glow.
"You're really here? You're not leaving?"
He bent and picked up Maggie. "No more dangerous assignments," he promised. "I can't be fearless anymore. After all, I have something wonderful in my life now. Three somethings I don't want to lose."
"I can count to three," Maggie informed them. "Daddy, if you're not going away, can I have a kitten?"
"Absolutely."
Ashley laughed, then kissed Jeff. He held them both close.
"I get it," he said softly, staring into her eyes. "I finally understand what I've been fighting for so long. I know what's in my heart. It's why I couldn't leave. I love you, Ashley. And Maggie and-" he glanced at her stomach "-you know."
"Really?"
"More than anything in the world. For always. With you I can finally find my way home."