LORI DIDN'T REMEMBER anything about leaving the hospital or driving home, but suddenly she found herself standing in the middle of her living room. Reid was next to her, his arm around her waist. He guided her to the sofa and urged her to sit, but she resisted.
She couldn't think, couldn't move, could barely breathe. It was as if her life force had drained away. She ached, but the pain was so all-encompassing that she wasn't even close to tears. It was as if crying were too meager a reaction to what had happened.
Madeline was dead.
The sentence played over and over in her mind, like a song lyric she couldn't escape. With each repetition, her body tightened, as if preparing to be hit. She ached from the inside out and knew nothing would ever be the same.
Madeline was gone. Her funny, beautiful, perfect sister hadn't survived the very surgery that was supposed to save her life.
"What can I get you?" Reid asked.
She shook her head, unable to answer him. Speaking seemed impossible.
The front door opened again and Walker and Cal came in, her mother supported between them. Evie had aged a lifetime in the past hour. Lines pulled her face into a mask of grief.
Lori crossed to her and hugged her close. Her mother's thin arms embraced her.
"I can't believe it," her mother said quietly, her voice thick with grief. "I won't believe it. She can't be gone. She can't."
Lori agreed, but she couldn't defy the truth. It nestled inside of her, a dark, heavy creature that stole her breath. She was cold and shaken and knew there were a thousand things she had to be doing. Only she couldn't think of a single one.
The rest of Reid's family walked into the house. They were quiet and uncomfortable, staying at the fringes of the room. Lori knew she should say something- thank them or give them permission to leave.
Before she could force herself to react, Reid put his arms around her and her mother.
"We'll take care of everything," he said. "Just hang on to each other. That's all you have to do."
Lori nodded.
She led her mother to the sofa where the older woman collapsed. Dani crouched at her feet and took her hands.
"Can I get you a cup of tea?" she asked. "Or coffee?"
"Tea would be nice," Lori's mother said.
"I'll get it." Dani rose. "Lori?"
Lori shook her head.
Reid settled Lori next to her mother. Both women were pale with loss. He'd never seen such a stark expression in Lori's eyes. Her pain was so powerful, it was practically alive.
"Is there a doctor?" he asked. "Someone who can prescribe something for you and your mom?"
"What? I don't know." Lori shook her head and started to stand up. "I don't…"
"My purse," her mother said. "I have medication in there. The doctor's name."
While Dani was off making tea, Reid found Evie's purse and called her doctor. In a matter of minutes, Walker had left for the drugstore to pick up the prescription.
Penny walked out of the kitchen and crossed to him. "She doesn't have anything to eat in the house. I have the stuff I made for our day at the hospital, but that's not going to be enough. I'll write up a shopping list for Cal, then stay long enough to fix a few things. Friends and neighbors might drop off food, but we can't depend on it."
Penny had always believed food was the solution for every problem. It was one of her best qualities.
"Thanks," he said. "That will help."
"Good. Okay, let me get the list going. Cal can shop, then bring the food here. Once that's done, he can pick up Allison. Elissa took her and Zoe home." Penny shook her head. "I'm sorry, Reid. For you, for Lori and her mom. It's so awful."
He nodded, but didn't say anything. There weren't any words that could make what had happened all right. He hated what Lori was going through- what she would keep going through. She and Madeline had been close. The unexpected loss would be devastating.
Dani hung up the phone and waved him over.
"I've talked to the hospital and I have the information on when they're going to release Madeline's body. They need the name of the funeral home. Not right now, but probably by tomorrow. I also called my boss. He's given me today and tomorrow off so I can stay here and make arrangements."
Reid leaned down and kissed the top of his sister's head. Penny was great with food and Dani could organize an army. Together they would all get things done.
"Thanks, kid," he said.
"I want to help."
"Me, too."
He wanted to make things better, but how?
He felt a soft touch on his arm and turned to find Lori standing behind him.
"We should call some people," she said. "Friends and stuff. We have a few relatives."
"I'll do it," Dani said gently. "If you show me where to find the names and numbers, I'll make the calls."
"Okay." Lori was pale and looked as if she weren't quite sure where she was. "There will be a funeral. There has to be."
"We'll all help with that," Reid said. "We can take care of the details. You don't have to do anything."
Her lower lip quivered. He reached out and pulled her against him just as she collapsed. He grabbed her, then lifted her into his arms and carried her into her bedroom. From the corner of his eye, he saw Dani sitting next to Lori's mother and putting an arm around her.
"She's gone," Lori whispered. "I can't believe she's gone. It wasn't supposed to be like this."
"I know. I'm sorry."
He set Lori on the bed and stretched out next to her. She curled up against him. He wrapped his arms around her.
"It hurts," she said, her voice shaking. "It hurts so much. I don't want her to be dead. I don't. It's awful and I can't cry."
"You will," he told her, as he stroked her hair. "You have plenty of time for tears."
A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER, Reid drove back to Gloria's house. Dani and Penny would sit with Lori and her mom for a while, so he could take care of a few things. Then he would return to Lori's house to do what he could there.
Anger grew inside of him. Anger and guilt and the need to fight someone…anyone. But who? The only person to blame was himself.
"You couldn't call?" Gloria said when he walked into her room. "I've been waiting by the phone. It's not as if I had anywhere to go, but I've been worried. It's a complicated surgery and…" She drew in a breath. "What happened? You look terrible."
He sat on the edge of the bed and took Gloria's hand in his. "Madeline died during surgery."
The color fled his grandmother's face. In a matter of seconds she looked old and frail.
"No," she whispered. "No. That can't be. She was supposed to be fine. She was supposed to make it. She can't have died. Poor Lori. And her mother. They must be devastated."
"They are."
"That poor child."
"She won't be coming into work for a while. I'll try to pick up as much of the slack as I can. Sandy said she'd fill in a little extra. Is that enough or do you want me to hire another nurse?"
Gloria's eyes filled with tears. "No one else," she whispered. "I'm fine. Getting stronger every day. I'll be all right."
"I know you will be." He leaned over and kissed her forehead.
"I want to help," Gloria said. "Do they need something?"
"It's all taken care of. Dani is arranging the funeral and making calls to family and friends. Penny's getting food in the house. Walker and Cal are running errands."
"I want to go to the funeral. I can make it," she added before he could say anything.
"Then you should go." He released her. "I'm going upstairs. I have to make some calls, but I'll be back down in an hour or so. You'll be all right?"
"Go. I'm fine."
She waved him away and he left. When he reached his room, he closed the door, walked to the sofa and sank down. Only then did he let his emotions loose. They swept over him, surrounding him, speaking the truth in a volume he couldn't help but hear.
Madeline was dead because of him. He'd killed her as surely as if he'd stopped her heart himself.
He'd been so intent on proving himself by finding her a donor. He'd been so damned proud of himself. He'd wanted to be the hero and instead he was the reason Madeline had lost the last year she was going to live.
She could have still been alive today- living with Lori, talking, laughing, being. Maybe there would have been a cure, or a better donor. Maybe she would have been ready.
He'd heard what she'd said the day before the surgery. That she wanted more time. Because she felt responsible for him going on television, she'd gone forward with the surgery.
It was his fault. He had to go and try to fix things. To show off. To try to make up for all the other screw-ups. But look what had happened.
He'd ruined things when he hadn't been trying and he'd made things worse when he'd been doing his best. He couldn't win for losing.
He sat there for a long time, feeling the anger and regret. Knowing that Lori could never forgive him for taking the most precious part of her life and killing it. All he'd wanted was to help the woman he loved and instead he'd destroyed her.
AFTER THE FUNERAL, Madeline's friends poured into Lori's house. The small space overflowed with Madeline's coworkers and girlfriends, people she'd known and touched in her too-short life. Lori greeted them as they came in, accepting their condolences. Evie stood next to her, but after a few minutes, excused herself.
Lori knew the last few days had been incredibly hard on her. Her mother seemed to have shrunk. She hoped that time would help, as it usually did, but as she, too, was still in shock, it was hard to imagine ever feeling better.
"I'm so sorry," Gloria said as she entered. She leaned heavily on a cane and on Cal. "I don't know what to say."
Lori hugged her. "You don't have to say anything. Thanks for being here. But don't overtire yourself. You're still recovering."
Gloria's eyes filled with tears. "Don't you worry about me, child. I'm fine."
Lori nodded, and Gloria and Cal moved on. A few minutes later, the last of the mourners had arrived and she was able to walk through the crowd.
She was amazed at the number of people who had shown up to celebrate her sister's life. There was an equal number of smiles and tears as friends recounted funny and touching stories about Madeline's life.
She found Penny manning the kitchen, organizing enough food to feed the city for three days.
"We're good," Penny said as she looked up from a tray of corn cakes topped with vegetables and tiny shrimp. "I have the food together and Dani's handling the rest of it. I made some pretty intense desserts. At times like these, sugar always helps, don't you think?"
"It does for me," Lori said. "You've been great. All of you. I don't know how to thank you."
"You don't have to. You're one of us. Of course we want to take care of you."
One of them? If only. But she didn't say that. She thanked Penny again and returned to the living room.
Reid stood by the makeshift bar set up in the corner. She crossed to him and accepted a glass of white wine.
"You okay?" he asked, then shook his head. "Let me rephrase that. Are you able to handle all this?"
"There's not a whole lot for me to handle," she told him. "Your family took care of everything. I want to thank you for that. For being there for me. It means a lot."
She couldn't have gotten through this without him. He'd stepped in with Gloria, staying with his grandmother for much of the day, then showing up here to be with her. He'd spent every night since Madeline had died, holding her until she fell asleep.
Part of her felt guilty for not being able to give him more, but honestly, there was nothing left. Her emotional insides were a gray, empty void. Eventually he would get tired of that and move on, she thought grimly. Which meant she was looking at even more pain.
She wanted to say something to him, something that would keep him around until she'd started to recover, but there weren't any words. Still, she had to try.
But before she could come up with anything, a woman walked over and started talking about Madeline.
"She adored you," the woman said, smiling, but with tears in her eyes. "I still remember how happy and touched she was when you invited her to come live here. She told me she wasn't scared anymore. She knew you'd be with her no matter what. She knew how much you loved her."
Lori nodded. Her eyes burned as her throat tightened. "She was my sister," she managed.
The woman gave a little sob. "Sorry. This has to be ten times harder for you than for me and I'm barely holding it together. I just wanted you to know that Madeline talked about you all the time."
"Thank you."
Others approached her with different stories. There were more kind words until Lori couldn't take anymore. She escaped to her sister's room. After closing the door and leaning against it, she realized she still wasn't alone. Her mother stepped out of the small closet, a red blouse over one arm.
"I remember when Madeline bought this," her mother said, wiping her tears. "She had just filed for divorce and she said she wanted to buy something cheerful. But the blouse looked horrible on her and I couldn't seem to lie about it. I remember us standing in my living room, laughing over the fact that she couldn't even buy the right blouse." Tears fell and she wiped them away. "She was always ready to laugh at herself."
"I remember. She tried to pawn that blouse off on me, but I told her there was no way it could look better on me than on her."
Her mother sighed. "She was always a beautiful girl. Even as a baby, she was lovely."
"I know. She never took a bad picture. Even those horrible school pictures turned out great. I hated that." Emotions swept through her. She sank on the bed and clutched her sister's worn and tattered teddy bear to her chest.
"I hated her," she whispered. "God forgive me, sometimes I hated how beautiful and charming she was. How everyone loved her."
Her mother sat next to her and hugged her tight. "You hush right now. Don't beat yourself up, Lori. You didn't hate your sister. Not ever. You wanted what she had and there's a difference. You never give yourself enough credit. I know I'm to blame for that and I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," Lori told her. "It's fine. I'm okay. I just wish…" She swallowed hard. "I wish I'd been nicer or something. I wish she'd known how much she mattered to me."
"She knew. Don't you think she knew? You asked her to come live with you in her time of need. You opened your heart and your life. You were saving money so you wouldn't have to work her last months. She knew all that. She would have loved you anyway, but she loved you for that. She respected and admired you. She told me."
Lori felt her eyes fill and for the first time since hearing that her sister had died, she cried.
Big, fat, hot tears spilled down her cheeks. Sobs shook her body.
"I m-miss her," she said, her voice thick and broken. "I miss her so much. I want her back. I know she had to try with the transplant and I'll always be grateful she died with hope, but, God, I miss her."
"I know you do."
They held on to each other, connected by a grief that seemed endless. Eventually the tears slowed. Lori wiped her face.
"Mom, do you want to come live with me?"
Her mother smiled at her. "I appreciate the offer, but we're both too stubborn for that to ever work. But I would like us to be close. We have each other and I don't want to waste a moment of that."
"Me, either."
BETWEEN HER NEW JOB and helping Lori and her mother through the funeral, Dani hadn't had much free time. So it was another week before she found an empty afternoon and the courage to face Gloria.
She parked in front of the large, old house and stared up at the sparkling windows. As a child, the house had terrified her. As a teenager, it had represented a place to escape from. She'd never been comfortable inside the well-decorated walls and she didn't expect to feel any better at the end of this meeting. But she had to try.
She'd called Gloria and had asked for a meeting, explaining the purpose and, despite the older woman's civilized behavior at the funeral, had expected to be shut down. But the woman she would always think of as her grandmother had agreed.
"It doesn't mean anything," Dani muttered to herself as she climbed out of her car, then walked toward the front door. "She just wants to torture me in person."
There was no other logical explanation for Gloria's agreeing to see her. Still, she couldn't help the spark of hope that burned inside.
She was let in by Reid who gave her a thumbs-up after he led her to Gloria's room. Apparently the accident meant she couldn't climb stairs because Gloria sat in a wing chair in the study. The room had been converted to a comfortable bedroom, complete with an adjustable bed and large television.
"Hello, Dani," Gloria said. "Have a seat."
"Thanks." Dani crossed to the other chair in the room and sank down. "You're doing much better. You seemed to be getting around pretty well at Madeline's funeral."
Gloria shrugged. "I'm healing, but still getting older and older. It sucks, but there we are."
Dani blinked. She'd never heard her grandmother use the word "sucks" before. It was kind of scary to hear it now.
"I understand you went to work for Bella Roma? An interesting choice."
"I'm happy with it. Bernie is great to work for."
"His mother can be a bit of a challenge."
Dani remembered that Mama Giuseppe hadn't had very much nice to say about Gloria and wondered about a past the two might share.
"I'm enjoying the new place," Dani said, going for a neutral response. "It is challenging, but fun. Great people, great customers and the food is amazing."
Gloria studied her. "I haven't seen much of you lately."
"I know."
"Why is that?"
Dani stared at the other woman, unable to believe the question. "You made it clear I wasn't family in the cruelest way possible. You deliberately hurt me. Why would I want to come back for more and why would you want me to?"
Gloria looked down. "Yes, I suppose when you put it like that…"
There was an uncomfortable silence. Dani found herself feeling almost guilty, which really pissed her off. None of this was her fault. She hadn't done anything wrong. So why did she feel like apologizing?
"I don't want to keep you," Gloria said, pointing to a folder on the bookcase. "That's for you. There's basic information about your father inside. I didn't bother with anything else because you'll be able to find out whatever most interests you yourself."
Dani stared at the folder, but didn't reach for it at once. "You're going to tell me his name?"
"Of course, Dani. I understand why you're doing this, but please be careful. A man in your father's position…" She sighed. "It won't be easy. You have to understand that."
Dani stood up and grabbed the folder, but didn't open it. "What aren't you telling me? Is he a murderer? Someone I'll hate?"
"Not at all. He's- " She waved at the folder. "Open it, for heaven's sake. Then you'll understand what I mean."
Dani sucked in a breath, then flipped open the folder. The top sheet of paper showed a picture of a man in his early fifties. His face was handsome, smiling and incredibly familiar.
Shock held her frozen. She couldn't read the words underneath or bring herself to turn the page. She looked back at Gloria.
"Mark Canfield?" she asked, her voice breathless. "Senator Canfield?"
"Yes."
"He's my father?"
"Yes."
Dani didn't know what to think. "He's running for president. Of the United States. You're telling me my father is running for president?"
"His campaign is still in the exploratory stage, but that's what I've heard."
Dani sank back into the chair and tried to catch her breath. She couldn't get her mind around this life-altering reality.
"I can't believe it," she murmured. "Mark Canfield? I know who he is. I voted for him."
"I'm sure he'll be delighted to hear that," Gloria said with a smile.
REID WOKE in the middle of the night and found himself alone in the bed. He lay there for a second before getting up and walking into the living room.
Lori sat curled up in a corner of the sofa. Outside, street light spilled through partially opened drapes and allowed him to see she was awake.
"Bad dreams?" he asked as he settled next to her.
She shrugged. "When I can sleep, which isn't often."
"You could take something."
"I'm not ready to resort to medicating myself, although I'm close to giving in on that front." She drew in a breath. "Why are you up?"
"You were gone."
She didn't answer that. He put his arm on her shoulder to draw her close, but there was a stiffness in her body that resisted his attempt to offer comfort. Uneasiness settled in his gut.
She was still deeply mourning the loss of her sister. This was hardly the time to talk about their relationship, yet he felt compelled to say something.
"You've been quiet," he told her. "I know you're going through a lot. I've been hanging around to help. Would you rather I wasn't here?"
She turned to him, her eyes dark and unreadable in the half light. "I think that would be better. I need some space right now."
It was as if she'd crawled inside his chest and drop-kicked his heart. The rejection was as sharp as it was instant. He didn't know what to think, what to say. Lori didn't want him around. Lori didn't want him.
"I, ah, okay." He stood. "I'll go."
He paused for a second, but when she didn't say anything else, he had no choice but to leave.
As he got dressed he remembered all the times she'd worried that he would be the one crushing her. Looks like she'd spent too much time worrying and he hadn't spent enough.