THE NIGHT WAS ENDLESS. Nick knew better than to try to sleep right away. He escaped to his office, where he did his damnedest to get lost in spreadsheets and numbers. It rarely worked, but he never stopped trying. This time was even more difficult, with his blood still pumping and his dick rock-hard.
He swore silently, cursing himself more than Izzy. He knew better. She was a guest here, a client of sorts. Someone he was trying to help. He shouldn’t have kissed her, shouldn’t have kept kissing her. Shouldn’t have touched her.
He’d studied with the best-he knew how to get control. He could slow his heart rate to a dozen beats a minute. He could cut off the sensation of pain, send blood to part of his body to promote healing. He was so fucking one with the world, he was practically a tree. But here he sat with a hard-on he couldn’t make go away and hands that still carried the feel of Izzy’s breasts.
He was beyond stupid, he thought grimly. He liked her. The wanting was easy. Eventually he would figure out how to make it go away. But the liking was a complication he hadn’t expected. Worse, now Garth was in the mix, involved in ways he wouldn’t explain.
The simplest solution would be to send Izzy back home. She was better than she had been. She would be fine with her sisters. Only fine was different than healed and he wasn’t one to walk away before the job was finished. He wouldn’t ask her to go. The problem was his and he would find a way to fix it.
Sometime around two he felt himself getting sleepy. He made his way to his bed and collapsed on top of the covers. He closed his eyes, knowing he probably wouldn’t sleep. Only he was wrong. Sleep claimed him instantly, but it was cruel that night, sending him directly into the dream.
No matter what he did, however many spiritual techniques he practiced, he hadn’t ever conquered the dream. It came without warning, always starting the same way. In silence.
He was in the jungle. He knew because he could smell the musty combination of life and rotting leaves. He could feel the dampness as the thick, humid air clung to him. It should have been dark because he’d always been blindfolded, but in his dream he could see everything. The trees, the birds, the sunlight filtering through the rain forest. What he couldn’t see was the knives.
They came without warning, invisible. There was the cool sensation of steel cutting through flesh. In the heartbeat of disbelief, as he watched the blood run down his arm, there wasn’t pain. That came a second later, the searing burn as healing scars were cut open again.
He clenched his teeth against the agony only to have the knives strike again and again. His chest, his legs, his belly. He wouldn’t scream, he told himself, sweat dripping nearly as fast as the blood. Wouldn’t let them win. But the sound was pulled from him, the agony winning yet again.
He came awake as suddenly as he’d fallen asleep. Every light was on, but the darkness still pressed down on him. His scars burned, as they always did. Phantom sensations that faded with the dawn.
He saw Aaron standing in the doorway. They stared at each other.
Nick’s throat was dry, his breathing harsh. Still he managed to say, “I’m okay.”
“You don’t look it.”
Nick shrugged.
“You need to talk to someone about this,” Aaron told him.
“No.”
“And here I thought you were more than a pretty face.” Aaron continued to study him. “The dreams aren’t going away.”
“I know.”
“That can’t be good for you.”
“I’m fine.”
“I can’t decide if you’re just stubborn or genuinely stupid.”
“Let me know what you come up with.”
“Don’t act tough with me,” Aaron told him. “Don’t forget I’ve heard you scream.”
He left. Nick lay back down, knowing he wouldn’t sleep again until dawn. He would get up in a few minutes, when the shaking had stopped, and catch his breath.
Aaron was only trying to help. The problem was, Nick didn’t believe there was a solution. The dreams were part of the price of what he had done. As he couldn’t find forgiveness, he would settle on making payments. Tonight had been little more than another installment.
IZZY STOOD in front of the storeroom, wishing someone other than her was in charge of feeding the horses. Or that someone else was responsible for getting the oats. But no. Feeding the horses was her job and she’d run out of oats two horses shy of finishing.
“Would you guys accept a couple of carrots instead?” she yelled into the barn. “Or an apple? How about a cookie?”
She sensed someone behind her seconds before she heard footsteps or words.
“Who are you talking to?” Nick asked, coming up behind her.
“No one you know.”
She hadn’t seen him all the previous day. Aaron said he’d gone into town to run errands, but she thought maybe he’d been staying away from her because of the kiss. And if he was, did his disappearance mean something good or something bad?
This was when not being able to see was really annoying, she thought. Normally she could take one look at a guy and know if he wanted her. Or if he’d enjoyed himself. Now she couldn’t tell and she sure wasn’t going to ask.
What worried her most wasn’t the lack of information, it was that sex had always been a game for her. One she enjoyed and played well. But now she didn’t understand the rules. She couldn’t read the other player, which put her at a serious disadvantage. There was also the teeny, tiny fact that she hadn’t been playing when he’d kissed her. She’d felt the passion, the need and had wanted more.
“You need something in the storeroom?” he asked.
“Well, duh.”
“You think that kind of attitude is going to make me want to help you?”
She folded her arms across her chest and stared at him. “So you’re a conditional sort of person. You want to get before you give.”
“You’re the one who insisted we both take the blame for you falling the other night.”
“You scared me.”
“You were climbing alone.”
She sighed. “You need a new topic of conversation.”
“Get the surgery. Once you can see, you won’t be afraid of going into the storeroom.”
Not exactly the topic she’d been hoping for. “No, thanks.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to. Get off me.”
He moved closer. “Dammit, Izzy, talk to me. You need the surgery. You can’t live like this, afraid of a storeroom because it’s dark. Don’t you want more?”
She turned to leave. “I don’t need this.”
He grabbed her. “Yes, you do.”
She pulled free. “Stop it.”
“Then tell me why?”
“Fine.” She dropped her hands to her hips and glared at him. Or at least in his general direction. “I was just a kid when my mom died.” She shook her head. “Died. We always say that like it was cancer or she was hit by a car. She killed herself. My mother committed suicide and planned it so my sister, her nine-year-old daughter, would find the body when she got home from school.”
There was only silence. Izzy wished she could see his face to know what he was thinking.
“I’m sorry,” he said at last.
“Yeah? Me, too. Skye freaked, which makes sense. I didn’t know what was going on, but I got scared, too. So scared that I ran and hid in the closet under the main staircase. Only the door got stuck and I couldn’t get out. It was dark in there.” She shivered at the memory and dropped her arms to her side.
Not just dark. Dark and cold and full of scary shapes. She could taste the terror in the memory but refused to give in to it.
“I called and screamed until I made myself sick, but no one heard me. I don’t even know if they were gone. It took nearly twenty-four hours until they found me. By then I was so hysterical, I had to be taken to the hospital and sedated. I never went to my mother’s funeral. I hate the dark. I hate it. So don’t tell me to just have the surgery. Not when the alternative is being in the dark forever.”
“Okay,” he said at last.
“Okay what?”
“I understand why you’re scared of the surgery.”
She waited. “That’s it?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t want to tell me that I need to talk to a professional?”
“I’m the last guy to say that. You’ve probably seen a dozen.”
“One or two,” she admitted. “Back when I was a kid and someone could make me. Now I climb mountains and go cave diving.”
“Which is in the dark.”
“I always bring an extra flashlight.”
“Not going to solve your problem now.”
She couldn’t believe it. “Are we back to the surgery again? How many times do I have to tell you that’s not going to happen?”
“I don’t believe you,” he said quietly. “You’re too tough. Too determined. You’re not going to settle on this half life forever. I guess the trick is to figure out how to survive being permanently in the dark so you don’t have to be afraid anymore.”
“Your ability to reduce my problems to the obvious is pretty amazing,” she snapped. “It’s the equivalent of telling someone with a fear of heights to simply jump off a tall building and she’ll be cured.”
“The difference is the fall won’t kill you.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do and you know it, too. You’ve never walked away from anything, Izzy. Why this?”
Because it was a nightmare he couldn’t begin to understand. Because he had no idea what it was like to be so terrified that breath was impossible and death seemed much easier than living with the fear.
“Go away,” she told him.
“I’m not giving up.”
“Yay, you.”
“Fine,” he said. “You win. For now. What do you need in the storeroom?”
She thought about telling him she would get it herself, then she looked into the darkness. “Oats,” she said at last.
He disappeared, then reappeared with a large container on a wheelbarrow. “Anything else?”
“I’m good.”
“Yes, you are,” he told her. “If only you’d believe it.”
“NORMALLY I REQUIRE people to take notes at my meetings,” Aaron said from his side of the kitchen table. “But in your case, I’ll make an exception.”
Izzy laughed. “Lucky me. I could take notes, if you insisted, but it would be messy.”
“It’s far more important you take me seriously.”
“Of course I do. I know who’s in charge.” Plus she was intrigued by the planning process for a corporate retreat. The first one for her was in a few days. From what Aaron had said, she was expected to help. She was both excited and nervous at the thought. Part of her wanted to run and hide, but most of her was more interested in how long it would take everyone to figure out she couldn’t see.
“The company we’re hosting is in aerospace,” Aaron told her. “They manufacture airplane parts. That means lots of engineers.” He sighed. “I don’t know. Do you think I could find true love with an engineer?”
“Maybe.”
“At this point, I’d settle for a night. Anyway, we’re doing the usual format. They have their boring little meetings in the morning, then we do the group activities in the afternoon. This time there are a lot of team-building activities. Bor-ring. But we’ll be up in the trees later.”
Up in the…“As in climbing trees?”
“Uh-huh. Using ropes. And walking a rope bridge between trees. Very flashy. It can be a problem for people who have a thing with heights.”
“Or are blind,” she mumbled.
“You’re late,” Aaron said.
“Take it out of my paycheck,” Nick said, pulling out a chair next to Izzy and sitting down. “What did I miss?”
She’d been so caught up in the thought of dangling from a rope bridge, fifty feet in the air, that she hadn’t sensed or heard his approach.
As he leaned forward, his arm brushed hers, making her hyperaware of him. She could feel the heat from his body, inhale the scent of him. Her skin got all prickly and she felt her toes curl inside her boots.
“We’re talking about the upcoming retreat,” Aaron said. “Nick, your attitude isn’t helping. You never take these events seriously.”
“You can handle it. You’re way better at this than me.”
“Oh, please.” There was a pause, then Aaron said, “I’m rolling my eyes, Izzy. Just so you know.”
She grinned. “Thanks for the update. Does Nick look appropriately chastised?”
“Not really.”
She nudged Nick’s arm. “Don’t mess with him. We all know he’s the one who’s really in charge.”
“So he keeps telling me.”
“Isn’t it true?”
“Maybe.”
Aaron cleared his throat. “If I could have the class’s attention,” he muttered. “Honestly. This is serious. In three days we have thirty businesspeople showing up for a weekend retreat. They’re going to expect us to act professionally. Now, for the details. The menus have been approved. I have to say I love Texans. I never get a string of impossible dietary demands here like I did in New York. No lactose-intolerant vegans who can only eat based on the cycle of the moon. Anyway, we have our usual catering and housekeeping staff ready. The rooms are clean in the guest cottages.”
Izzy turned to Nick. “Did I know about cottages?”
“Not a clue.”
“You have cottages?”
“Six cottages,” Aaron told her. “And a building with another dozen rooms. That has the main dining room, along with the meeting space.”
“That’s a lot of real estate,” she said.
“It’s a big ranch.”
“But you only do retreats every few weeks. What happens the rest of the time? Does everything just stand empty?”
“Except when we have a few kids through,” Aaron said. “We have some scheduled in a couple of weeks.”
She’d heard about the kids. They’d been abused or injured in some way and came here for a few days of healing. The horses were a main part of their therapy.
“What about the other days?” she asked. “You have facilities and beds. Why not do something with that? Get a manager in for a B and B. If you already own the buildings and the land, the marginal expense would be minimal. If nothing else, keep the rooms in use. Studies show an empty house actually breaks down faster than one used. You’d be protecting your investment while bringing in income.”
There was silence. She glanced between the two men but couldn’t see enough to know what they were thinking.
“What?” she asked.
“I guess you really are a Titan,” Nick said slowly.
“Like I was lying about my last name?” What did that have to do with anything?
“He means you have business sense in your blood,” Aaron told her. “You rattled all that off without thinking about it. Do you have a degree in business or something?”
“No. I’ve never been to college. It’s not a big deal. Everyone knows this kind of stuff. It’s common sense.”
“Not as common as you’d think,” Aaron told her. “Interesting.”
But Nick was quiet and Izzy wished she knew what he was thinking.
“Okay, enough about what Nick should do with the ranch,” Aaron said. “Everyone focus on me. Nick, you’ve worked out what you’ll be doing for the team-building?”
“Uh-huh. Same as the last two.”
“Good. Izzy will assist you. I’ll be in charge of standing around looking good.”
Izzy laughed. “I’m sure you’ll excel.”
“I always do.”
She turned to Nick. “How will I be helping?”
“I’m going to send you up the ropes first,” he said. “And across the bridge. When the guys see a girl doing it, they’ll be forced to participate.”
“Okay. Sure.” While she appreciated the psychology behind his plan, she was a little worried about the actual execution of the plan. “Will I, um, get to practice ahead of time?”
“If you want.”
“It’s probably for the best. So I know what I’m doing.”
“You two work this out among yourselves,” Aaron said, as he pushed back his chair. “I have calls to make.”
He left the room. Izzy turned to Nick. “What else happens at the retreats?”
“Nothing that interesting. The company human resource departments always have their own ideas about different activities. Holding hands and singing. That kind of crap.”
She chuckled. “Stop holding back. Tell me what you really think.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m sure it works fine for them. The rest of it is easy. Climb the tree. Cross the rope bridge. A little rappelling. Nothing too challenging. Every now and then someone wants a fire walk.”
She straightened. “Seriously? Walking on hot coals? Can we do that?”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“I’ve never done it. I’ve heard it’s actually pretty easy. I’d love to try.”
“Don’t get out the barbecue set. You need special coals and some training by someone who knows what he’s doing. Maybe next time.”
“I’m going to tell Aaron to book a retreat with a fire walk,” she said, wondering if not being able to see the coals would make it more or less scary.
“Just my luck. He’ll probably listen.”
“I hope so. And don’t sound so disgruntled. Aaron is an important part of your business.”
“I see he’s been talking about himself. His favorite topic.”
“Aaron is great and you know it.”
“Maybe.”
“You’d be lost without him.”
“Don’t make it more than it is.”
She heard the affection in his voice. “He says he’s responsible for growing your business to where it is today.”
“Of course he does.”
“How did you meet?”
She wasn’t sure why she asked the question. Aaron had told her the story, but she suddenly wanted to hear it from Nick’s point of view.
He hesitated. “In Dallas. He was in a bar.”
“You two went to the same bar? The same kind of bar? Gee, Nick, is there something you want to tell me?”
“It wasn’t a gay bar,” he growled. “It was a regular kind of place. I was with a friend.”
“Girl or guy.”
“Not the point.”
She couldn’t see for sure, but she would guess he’d clenched his teeth. Nick was amazingly easy to mess with. Which probably should have made her guilty for pushing his buttons, but it didn’t.
He sighed. “I went into the bar with a friend and Aaron was…” He hesitated again. “He stood out. I could see there was going to be trouble, so I got him out of there.”
Izzy frowned. “And then what?”
“We talked and he seemed like someone who knew what he was doing, so I invited him here to see what he could do with the business.”
The story was light-years away from what Aaron had told her. What about the part where he’d been beat up and Nick had saved his life? Someone wasn’t telling the truth.
She was about to say that, when another possibility occurred to her. Maybe Nick didn’t want to admit what had happened. Because he was embarrassed? No, that didn’t make sense. Guys loved to brag about how they saved the world. Or at least their little piece of it. Then what? Why wouldn’t he want her to know he’d been incredibly heroic? Was it just his style?
Once again not being able to see frustrated her because she had a feeling Nick’s eyes would give her plenty of hints. That she would be able to read the truth on his face. The disadvantage annoyed her. It was like the kiss. How was she supposed to know what he’d been thinking? Had he enjoyed himself or had it just been a mercy kiss?
“Izzy?”
It was her second impulsive act in five minutes, only this one wasn’t about speaking. She put one hand on the side of his face to guide her, the other on his shoulder, then leaned in and kissed him.
He wasn’t expecting the contact. She felt his surprise in the tension in his body. For a second he didn’t react, but she held her ground, moving her mouth against his. Teasing. Promising.
One heartbeat. Two.
He grabbed her arms with both hands and held on tight. At the same time his tongue pushed into her mouth, plunging and exploring with enough heat to set Texas on fire. She was instantly lost in erotic sensations as she strained to get closer, kiss deeper. To feel everything.
His mouth was hungry, giving and taking. She met him stroke for stroke. Every part of her body yelled for attention. Her breasts ached, her legs trembled and that place between her thighs clenched tightly.
Nick pulled back and stood. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Izzy drew in a slow breath and smiled. Oh, yeah. That was good. There was no mercy kissing going on in this world. Nick wanted her as much as she wanted him. Maybe more.
She rose to her feet and felt like a cat in the sun. All languid and content. If she knew how to purr, she would have.
“Just checking,” she said. The confidence she’d been missing since the explosion all rushed back. “You’re good-looking, right? My sisters said you were hot, but they might have been saying that to be nice. Because of what you’re doing for me.”
“What?” He sounded both confused and outraged. “Your sisters?”
“I’m asking because I generally date good-looking guys. I know it’s shallow of me, but it’s a standard. Part of my charm, I guess.”
“We’re not dating.”
She held in a laugh. There it was. The clench-teeth voice she was growing to adore. If only she could see the look on his face. She would bet his eyes glowed with annoyed fire and that he had tightened his fists in frustration. It was good to be her.
“I know.” She reached up and patted his cheek. “I mean, we’re already living together. But we’re involved and I do have my reputation to think of. Don’t worry about it. I’ll ask Aaron. He’ll tell me the truth. Hmm, now that I think about it, Aaron’s always going on about how yummy you are, so never mind. I have my answer.”
“We are not involved.”
She tilted her head. “Silly man. You can’t kiss me like that and think there aren’t going to be consequences.”
He muttered something she couldn’t hear.
“Vowing never to kiss me again?” she asked with a smile. “We both know that’s not going to happen.” She moved closer, until they were touching everywhere and she could feel his arousal. “Want to test the theory?”
She expected him to cut and run. Instead he ran his fingers down the side of her face, then rubbed his thumb across her mouth.
“This is a mistake,” he said in a low voice that made her shiver. “All of it. I don’t get involved. Ever.”
Her mouth went dry. She had to clear her throat before she could speak. “Are you challenging me? I love a good challenge.”
“I’ll bet you do.”
He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her with a hungry passion that made her ache with longing. He claimed her with his mouth, even as his hands moved up and down her back.
She wanted to get closer to him, to crawl inside him. She wanted them both naked. She wanted to touch every inch of him, and have him touch her in return. She wanted breathless cries of surrender. She wanted him filling her, taking her, making her scream.
He pulled back. “I can’t do this.”
She stared at him, wishing she could see his face as more than blurry features she couldn’t make clear. “Why?”
“Because I can’t be what you need.”
“Cryptic guy statements never do it for me. Let’s talk about something else. Like how much you want me.”
“Wanting you isn’t the problem,” he said and abruptly left.
He was good at leaving, she thought. Too good. Which meant he did it a lot. Fine by her-she wasn’t looking for anything permanent. She wanted Nick and she would get him. In her bed…or his.
She laughed as she headed for the barn. For the first time since the explosion, she felt fully like herself again. Izzy was back and Nick had better watch out.