“You have a collect call from…Naheem…at the Wyoming Correctional Facility. To accept this call, please do not use three-way or call waiting features or you will be disconnected. To accept this call…” I waited for the computerized recording to finish, and pressed one. “Hello?”
“Aye, yo…’bout time ya ass is pickin’ up. What, you ain’t got no love for a nigga? I’ve been tryna get at you for a minute, but you ain’t never home. What’s good with you? I hear you out there doin’ big things, shinin’ and flossin’ and got every nigga from here to Miami tryna get at your sexy ass.”
I started laughin’. “You silly. Niggas ain’t checkin’ for me like that. It ain’t even that serious. I’m chillin’. Yeah, it’s been a while since we’ve talked. And nigga, you know I’ma always have love for you. I’m just doin’ me.”
“Yeah, aiight. I can’t tell. I don’t get no letters, no visits, nothin’ from you. I thought we were bigger than that. I mean, damn! I know I’m not ya man ’n shit no more, but I’m sayin’…shoot a nigga a kite from time to time.”
Humph. I wish the fuck I would. “You already know how I feel ’bout those visits. I’m not with ’em. And I ain’t beat for writin’ letters. I accept ya collects, so be thankful.”
“Oh, word. It’s like that now? When I was out on the bricks you wasn’t talkin’ all slick ’n shit. Now a nigga on freeze and you all brand-new. I see how you doin’ it. It’s all good, though. A nigga ain’t gonna be down for long. The minute I touch, shit gon’ change. And you better have that pussy nice and tight, too. I don’t want you givin’ up my pussy to none of them punk-ass niggas.”
I sighed. “Whatever, nigga!” I said angrily. “Why must we go through this shit every time you call? I didn’t get ya ass locked up, you did. Perhaps ya didn’t get the memo. So, let me give it to ya now: I ain’t no little-ass girl anymore. You can’t spit that shit to me and think it’s gonna be sweet. I’ma fuck who I wanna fuck.”
“Yeah, aiight,” he said, soundin’ tight. I could tell by the tone in his voice that the idea of me ridin’ another nigga’s dick was a bit much for him. “So who you fuckin’?”
“None of ya muhfuckin’ business, that’s who,” I said, rollin’ my eyes.
He started laughin’. “Yeah, aiight. I’ma see what’s really good with you in a minute, baby. Believe that. Fuck ’round and I’ma have another case.”
Whatever! He’s been sayin’ that “in a minute” mess for almost five damn years, and his ass was still sittin’ behind bars and barbed wire. I don’t know what kinda time clock he was usin’ but he needed a reality check, and quick. The nigga wasn’t punchin’ out anytime soon. I glanced at my 18kt timepiece dipped in ice. This nigga is burnin’ my jack with his bullshit, I thought. I really ain’t beat for this shit tonight. He got two more minutes, then I’ma bang on his ass. “Naheem, is there somethin’ you want? ’Cause if not, it’s been real. I got shit to do, so—”
“Aye, yo…what’s good with ya peoples?” he asked, cuttin’ me off. “I hear they out there real reckless with theirs.”
“What you talkin’ ’bout?” I asked, gettin’ ready to flip into bitch mode. “Reckless how?”
“Well, from what I hear, ya girl Tamia out there bein’ a real rabbit, poppin’ E’s ’n shit, and suckin’ and fuckin’ everything wit’ a dick.” I twisted my lips. E pills? This nigga musta banged his head on his bunk for real, talkin’ that shit. Suckin’ and fuckin’, yeah, okay. And I know the bitch’ll get lifted off some smoke. But pills, nah, that ain’t even her flava. I kept my mouth shut, but inside I was ready to check his ass on the real. “And ya girl Iris out there fuckin’ wit’ this nigga from Long Island whose pushin’ major weight, and he got her frontin’ for him. And Tamia got that shit.”
That shit? Of course a bitch’s first thought was the Alphabets, ’cause that’s the first thing you hear when someone’s talkin’ ’bout someone with the package. “What shit you talkin’ ’bout?” I held my breath.
“She got herpes.” Okay, on some real shit, I don’t know if I was relieved that it wasn’t HIV/AIDS or not. But a bitch was pissed that a nigga behind the wall was callin’ me with this mess.
“Where’d you get that shit from ’bout Iris?” I asked.
“One of my mans I fuck wit’ up in here is his peoples. And you know don’t shit happen on the streets that we don’t know ’bout.”
“Hmm. And where’d you get that shit ’bout Tamia?”
“’Cause another one of my man’s brothas was fuckin’ wit’ her for a minute on the low, and now he got that shit. He tellin’ cats he got it from her nasty ass.”
“Well, you got ya facts twisted. Ain’t no way Iris frontin’ shit for no nigga. She might be stuntin’ his ass, but frontin’ him? Nah, nigga, you got the wrong one. And I know damn well Tamia ain’t on it like that.”
“Nah, baby, real talk. My mans got flicks of ya girl Iris wit’ his peoples, mad chillin’. I’m tellin’ ya, dude got her straight rockin’ his dick. The cat’s stretchin’ her neck, and got her pushin’ them thangs for him. Matter of fact, he got like five or six bitches in his stable makin’ that shit do what it do. And that shit wit’ Tamia, I don’t really know how true it is, but word to life this ain’t the only nigga sayin’ it. There’s another cat she supposedly done did dirty, too. You know I’ma real nigga, and I ain’t gonna say shit that ain’t real.”
“So, if you know all this, then why you askin’ me? Both of ’em are grown-ass women. Iris can do whatever she wants. I’m not her keeper. And I ain’t got shit to do with Tamia’s pussy conditions.”
“Yo, just tell ’em both to be easy. Shit is real hectic out there.”
I knew what he meant. The streets were hot. ATF, TNT, FBI, DEA, SWAT, niggas were gettin’ bagged and popped left and right. Iris knew this. It’s on the news, in the papers, on the radio. The drug game, major paper or not, came with some serious risks. Some people gotta live it to learn it. And that mess ’bout Tamia, I refused to believe that shit. Yeah, when the bitch was in her teens she mighta got reckless with it, but she knew shit was too fuckin’ serious now. A bitch could end up with some shit she can’t get rid of. Fuck that, ain’t no way this ho was bein’ that damn stupid. But if it was true, then she’d get what her hand called for. A bitch can end up at the bottom of a river for some grimy shit like that.
“That’s on them,” I finally said.
“Yeah, but that’s ya peoples. And one’s fuckin’ wit’ a real live nigga, wit’ a whole lotta enemies. I hope she knows what she’s stepped into. And the other is playin’ wit fire fuckin’ these niggas’ lives up. Some of these niggas she’s fuckin’ got families ’n shit.”
I twisted my face up. “Okay, so you tryna say she’s responsible for what the fuck these niggas bring home to their chicks. Fuck that! That’s on their stupid asses for creepin’, and for fuckin’ a bitch raw. So, them niggas get what they get.”
I hated that shit! Muhfuckas always wanna blame somebody else for their shit crumblin’. You play reckless, then you die reckless.
“Nah, I ain’t sayin’ that,” he said. “’Cause them niggas should know how to move. But at the end of the day, she should be responsible enough to tell ’em.”
“Oh, please,” I snapped. “If the bitch wasn’t bein’ responsible fuckin’ a nigga raw, what the fuck makes you think she’d be responsible enough to wanna tell the next muhfucka her pussy ain’t right. Obviously, she had to get it from some nigga.”
Okay, I ain’t gonna front. Listenin’ to Naheem’s ass got a bitch sizzlin’ mad. First I’m thinkin’, why the fuck is he talkin’ loose on the phone? I thought they listened in on all those lines. Then I’m thinkin’, if what he was sayin’ was true about Iris, I was gonna scream on that dumb bitch. Fuckin’ a nigga pushin’ weight was one thing, but bein’ his gofer or mule was a whole other thing. We all knew a few chicks on lock for takin’ the weight for some nigga. And while her ass is doin’ his bid, doin’ his time, he’s makin’ moves with the next bitch. We used to laugh at them silly-ass hoes.
And if that bitch Tamia was out here fuckin’ niggas knowin’ her pussy was rotten, and wasn’t tryna tell them niggas, then that was some real foul shit. What the fuck is these bitches thinkin’, I thought. I needed to call them hoes.
“Who’s the nigga Iris’s fuckin’ with?” I asked, already knowin’ he wasn’t gonna pass off that kinda info. I didn’t even bother to ask him ’bout the nigga talkin’ that shit ’bout Iris ’cause I wasn’t tryna believe it.
“Ask ya girl.”
I sucked my teeth, then took a deep breath. “Uh, why’d you call me again?” I asked.
He lowered his voice. “I was tryna bust this nut wit’ you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Nigga, please. Not today you won’t. You betta take that shit somewhere else.”
“Come on, ma, real quick. Let me hear some of that nasty shit you like.”
I sighed. “Look, Naheem. I gotta go.”
“Oh, so you just gonna leave a nigga’s dick stiff.”
“Well, if ya nasty ass kept ya hand outta ya pants and stopped strokin’ while talkin’ to me, the shit wouldn’t be bricked the fuck up. So that’s on you. Call me one day next week, aiight?”
“Yeah, baby. I can do that. When?”
I thought for a minute. “Hmm, like Wednesday or Thursday night.” Those were days I knew I wouldn’t be home. A bitch wasn’t beat to listen to any more of his prison-yard gossip, and I damn sure wouldn’t be phone-fuckin’ him.
“Bet. You know I love you, right?”
“Like you love that bird you fuckin’ with?”
“Oh, here you go. What, you jealous?”
I laughed. “Nigga, get a grip. That bum bitch ain’t in my league.”
“Maybe not. But she’s holdin’ a nigga down; more than what I can say ’bout you. You bounced on a nigga, so what was I supposed to do?”
I decided to ig that shit he was talkin’ ’bout me bouncin’ on his ass. As far as I was concerned he needed to get over it. “Do you,” I said. “I ain’t hatin’. I’m just sayin’…ya girl’s a pigeon, that’s all.”
“But she’s keepin’ my dick wet, and my commissary up.”
I knew all too well ’bout them hoes suckin’ dick and a nigga finga-poppin’ her pussy up in the visits whenever they could get it off. Yeah, them some real straight hood rat and rabbit bitches fuckin’ a nigga in a damn visitin’ hall.
“I bet she is. But she ain’t wettin’ it like I wet it. Ho can’t even mind fuck ya right. And I know she ain’t slayin’ the dick like I slayed it, ’cause if she was you wouldn’t be tryna phone-bone me. Bitch probably can’t even stretch her neck. Yeah, you got ya’self a real door prize,” I said, laughin’.
“Fuck so funny?” he snapped, gettin’ agitated. He hated when I reminded him of how good this pussy and head game were. “I’m doin’ what I gotta do to get through this shit, know what I’m sayin’? But a nigga tryna come home to you, real talk.”
Wrong answer, I thought. For a second, I considered how he used to be dipped and paid, and how he used to have a bitch screamin’ out his name and ready to climb walls every time he slammed that big, black dick in me. Oh, well. That shit was old news! His ass was locked the hell down, dead broke from spendin’ hundreds of thousands of chips on lawyers ’n shit, and havin’ a bunch of fiends and backward niggas on his team who either smoked up or hustled up his ends. He couldn’t do shit for a bitch like me. Ain’t no way in hell I’d give him any rhythm when he got out.
Keepin’ shit real, I still had feelings for him, so I didn’t have the heart to bust his bubble and remind him that shit was really over for us; that my love for him wasn’t the kinda love a bitch had for a nigga she was tryna ride or die with. But a nigga behind the wall got enough shit to deal with; I figured ain’t no use givin’ him somethin’ else to stress about. He’d find out soon enough.
“Yeah, okay,” I said, gettin’ off my bed to remove my jewelry. I stripped out of my clothes, then switched my naked, juicy ass into the bathroom to turn on the jets to my Jacuzzi. I decided to soak and unwind before I called Tamia and Iris. Better yet, I thought, I’ma wait ’til I see them bitches, then I’ma see what’s really good.
“Aiight, baby. It’s almost count. I’ma hit you next week.”
“True,” I said. We said our good-byes, then hung up. I went downstairs to my bar and poured myself some Hennessy, then rolled a blunt. For some reason, talkin’ to Naheem had a bitch stressed the hell out. I came back upstairs with my things and went into the bathroom. I lit my candles, put in my Corinne Bailey Rae CD, then stepped into the tub. I slid my ass down into the bubbles, sipped my drink, lit my blunt and took two long pulls, leaned my head back, then closed my eyes, thinkin’, rememberin’…
See, growin’ up, all a bitch like me had to do was walk in a room and niggas would be tryna check for me the minute they spotted me. I didn’t have to floss in front of no nigga tryna get his attention, poppin’ my ass and titties. Hair, face, and wears, always on point! I stayed turnin’ heads.
My moms not bein’ able—or maybe not wantin’—to buy me the flavas didn’t stop my flow. At eleven, I learned how to get the shit I needed and wanted, and by the time I was thirteen, I was a pro, makin’ my own ends. There were a few boosters ’n shit who taught me how to lift shit—from jewelry to high-end pieces—so a bitch stayed laced in all the hot shit. And I kept my pockets lined. Anyway, the way my wears clung to my bangin’ body, niggas knew what time it was. I was a real grade-A, top-shelf bitch. Like I told ya from gate, I was that bitch all the niggas wanted to fuck with. But I gave ’em no play.
Other than the young nigga I fucked for that burner to slump my mom’s crab-ass nigga, there were only two cats back then who could ever say that they had fucked me. ’Cause unlike the rest of them young bitches, I wasn’t hot in the ass. I wasn’t lookin’ for trouble and drama like a lot of them fast asses. I wasn’t beat for chasin’ bottom-of-the-barrel niggas hustlin’ backward. You know. The niggas who hugged the block all day and all night, who stayed gettin’ high but were always broke as hell, pullin’ in enough peanuts to buy them a pair of constructs or a fresh pair of Jordans. I wasn’t that kinda bitch. And I didn’t stay runnin’ the streets seven days a week like a lot of them hoes either. I took my ass to school every damn day instead of dippin’ out, and did my shit right after school and on the weekends, feel me?
Goin’ to school was one thing, but the minute that bell rang, I was tryna do me. And my moms didn’t say shit. She let me do whatever I wanted and stay out as late as I wanted as long as my ass went to school. She didn’t give a fuck if I got As or Ds, as long as I passed, and graduated, which I did.
Tamia’s and Iris’s dumb asses were too busy gettin’ smoked out and fuckin’ to be bothered with school. Not tryna dis them bitches and whatnot, but I understand why they fucked every nigga that came at ’em. A chick with low self-esteem will let a nigga do anything he wanna do to ’em ’cause he already knows she’s all fucked up in the head. By the time they were fourteen, they had been through half the niggas from around the way, and had already been down to the clinic at least three times for some shit that some dirty nigga passed off. After a while, niggas knew to double-wrap ’cause they pussies stayed burnin’. Humph. Maybe that shit ’bout her havin’ herpes was really true, who knows.
Anyway, Chanel was fuckin’, too, but she had only one nigga she was lettin’ smash. So she was straight. But them other two, forget it, they were straight hood rats with theirs; suckin’ and fuckin’ wherever and whenever they could get it in. But I’ll keep it real—hoes or not, let some beef pop off and they were down for whatever. Like the time these bitches from Fort Greene tried to come through to get at Chanel and me over these two rusty niggas two of them bitches thought we was fuckin’. They came like six deep to fight us. Now, how the fuck you gonna try ’n come to someone else’s hood and bring it? That’s a no-no. I straight tic-tac-toed two of them hoes in the face with my razor. And Chanel stabbed two more with an ice pick. And when Tamia and Iris heard we were out there fightin’ they ran ’round with hammers and put work in. We fucked them bitches up real good, then went back up to Tamia’s buildin’ and sparked up, laughin’ all night at how we wrecked shop on they asses.
A lot of times, we’d rotate goin’ to each other’s spots, and sit up in each other’s rooms gettin’ blazed and gossipin’ ’bout all the goings-on in the hood. Or we’d parlay with these niggas over in Bushwick. Other times, we’d get it poppin’ over in Red Hook. Or we’d sneak uptown and chill with these older cats from Harlem and smoke and drink with them. But most of the time we’d squat over Tamia’s ’cause her moms didn’t give a fuck, and half the time she wasn’t never there anyway.
Chanel and I would sit around and listen to Tamia and Iris swap stories about who they had fucked, how little or big the nigga’s dick was, how they sucked dick, and what little trinket they had gotten for fuckin’. Although Iris was messy, fuckin’ her mother’s boyfriend and his son, Tamia was the real dirty type to fuck a nigga in the stairwell of his building if they couldn’t get it in at his or her mother’s spots. Or she’d sneak some young nigga up in her room and fuck him on her twin bed, then not change her cum-stained sheets for a week or two. I would sit ’n listen, like I do now. And a few times Tamia’s nasty-assed sister, Tameka, would leave her bedroom door cracked and a light on so we could watch her fuck. They were straight nasty like that.
Chanel and I were always the hottest bitches out of the clique. And we still are. But, back then, a few times I would catch Tamia or Iris clockin’ one of us outta the corner of her eye. Hate and envy seemed to always be wrapped up in their smiles. But I never checked ’em on it. Busted or not, they were still our girls, and they always had our backs. And we had theirs.
I’ma keep shit real and say Tamia and Iris really went from ugly-ass moths growin’ up to some real live butterfly bitches. It’s like them hoes transformed overnight. Too bad they could change everythin’ else except their reps. A ho is always gonna be known as a ho. Real talk. That’s one thing my moms made sure I knew. She’d beat me in the head nonstop ’bout keepin’ my legs shut and not fuckin’ none of them nasty no-count niggas, or not bringin’ her no babies to take care of. Little did she know, fuckin’ was the last thing on my mind. I was too busy lookin’ for ways to make paper. Anyway, I don’t really think me fuckin’ was her issue—ending up like her was.
Shit. I didn’t have my first boyfriend until I was sixteen. Yeah, that’s right. Naheem. Oooh, my pussy used to get real wet thinkin’ ’bout how good he used to dick me down. He stamped his name all up in this pussy, real talk. That fine black muhfucka was my heart. And I know I was his, which is why I didn’t feel the need to let him know that I wasn’t a virgin, that another nigga had already inched his dick up in me. See, in my head, since the young nigga had nutted in like ten minutes that shit didn’t really count. So I didn’t think it was necessary to bust Naheem’s bubble. Besides, my pussy was still tighter than a muhfucka, and the fact that he had one of them long, thick, juicy dicks that stretched and pulled my pussy open made it that much easier to fake the funk with him. That nigga served me the dick Brooklyn-style, just how I liked it—rough, rugged, and real gully.
So as far as I was concerned, Naheem was my first. He was the first nigga who ate my pussy, the first nigga who fucked me in my ass, the first nigga who made me nut, the first nigga who splashed his dick milk down my throat, the first nigga I ever cried over, and the first—and only—nigga to ever get me pregnant. Yeah, a bitch got knocked when I was seventeen and a senior in high school. I had missed three periods so I already knew what time it was. I kept that shit on the low for real for real. My moms would have snapped. There was no way I was gonna be able to tell her without catchin’ a real beat down. So Tamia got her cousin, Natalie, to take me to a clinic over in Queens where she and Tamia had gone and I got that shit sucked out with a quickness. And I never said anything ’bout it to Naheem. Please. The last thing I needed, or wanted, was a cryin’-ass baby holdin’ me down, and I already know if I woulda told him that a bitch was pregnant, he woulda been tryna get me to keep it. And then my ass woulda been stuck raisin’ it by my damn self, and luggin’ it up and down the interstate to see a nigga in prison. Thanks, but no thanks. A bitch ain’t beat for none of that shit.
Anyway, at nineteen Naheem was a grown-ass man to me. His swagger was so fuckin’ official that every bitch on the scene wanted to fuck with him. The nigga’s body was sick. His dick game was ridiculous. His knuckle game was tight. And he had the streets on lock. What I loved most about him was the respect he got. He wasn’t some hand-to-hand nigga huggin’ a block ’round the clock. He was the cat who made shit move. And when that nigga came through it was strictly to collect his paper; nothin’ more, nothin’ less. Muhfuckas knew what time it was when he rolled up. He either had niggas shook, or ridin’ his nuts.
And I bagged him. That’s right. The hottest bitch in the hood had his nose wide open. The nigga only had eyes for me. Yeah, muhfuckas, the chick with the fat ass, smooth, pretty brown thighs, and sexy-ass eyes. We’d chill, get blazed, pop a few bottles and fuck like two rabbits every damn day. I fucked with that nigga for almost two years until he got caught up in some dumb shit and got sent upstate. When that nigga caught a case for drug and weapons possession and got sentenced, I almost passed out. I ain’t gonna front. E’erything in my fuckin’ body went numb. It was like the air around me stopped movin’. I damn near suffocated.
On some real shit, I tried to hold the nigga down. But, hell…what was a fly bitch like me gonna do for ten years? Seal up my pussy, sit by the phone and wait for collect calls, chase the mailman down for letters, cry and have my stomach in knots after every visit ’cause it hurt leavin’ him, spend my life bein’ a prisoner’s wife?
Well, I tried that. I really wanted to keep shit real and ride it out with him. What I felt for Naheem was probably the closest thing to love, ’cause everything in me ached without him. But the streets were callin’ me. Time was testin’ me. And almost two years into his bid, I told him I had to bounce. I was too young to have to put my life on hold for him. I didn’t have it in me to hold my breath waitin’ on appeals ’n shit. I couldn’t hang on to empty promises that shit was gonna be right between us. I wanted to. I tried to. But shit was hectic.
So instead of goin’ out like some crab-ass bitch, I told him face-to-face. The way his jaws tightened and his thick lips clenched, I thought he was gonna try ’n flex on my ass up in there. But he kept it cute and told me to do me. But the nigga was hurt. I heard that shit in his voice, seen it in his eyes. Still, there wasn’t nothin’ I could do ’bout it, I had to go. I told him I’d always have love for him. And I knew I was gonna miss that pretty dick, but…fuck that! With him on lock, I knew it’d be a long time before I got to ride up on it any damn way. Niggas don’t realize that when they do time, the bitches holdin’ them down is doin’ time, too. It takes a real special kinda bitch to stay true to a nigga on lock. I wasn’t the one. A bitch had a life. And sittin’ up on a hot, funky bus for two or more hours next to a bunch of stankin’ ass hoes bein’ herded like cattle to see a man in prison wasn’t a good look. Not for a butter bitch like me.