I think I am dreaming when I hear the chiming of my doorbell. But when the bell continues ringing, I drag myself out of bed, and shuffle down the stairs to see who the hell it is at my door at six in the morning. I swing the door open, surprised to see Tyler standing there in the doorway. Immediately my scowl fades into a smile.
“Hey, baby girl,” he says in his cheery voice, giving me a big hug the minute I open the door. I step into his embrace, and melt. It feels good being in his strong arms. As a little girl, his hugs always made me feel safe.
I inhale his scent, closing my eyes and smiling.
He kisses me on the forehead. “Sorry for waking you.”
“No problem. Is everything okay?” I ask, rubbing sleep from my eyes.
“Everything’s fine. How’s my favorite sis doing?”
“I’m your only sister, fool,” I reply, playfully swatting at him.
He laughs, stepping back and removing his coat, then hanging it on the hall closet door knob. He takes a seat on the sofa. “Okay, then, so how’s my beautiful sis doing?”
“That’s better,” I say, grinning. I sit beside him. “She’s doing wonderful, thanks.”
“You sure?”
I look at him, tilting my head. “Of course I am, why?”
He shakes his head. “Oh, only asking.”
I know Tyler better than anyone. He doesn’t simply ask something unless there’s a reason behind it. I decide to let it go. “How are you doing?”
“I’m doing good. Your nieces and nephew have been asking about you. You really need to come by for dinner and spend some time with us, soon.”
I smile. “I will. I promise. Now, tell me. To what do I owe the pleasure of this early morning visit?”
“Damn, can’t a brother just wanna see his baby sister?”
“Of course you can. But, I know you, Tyler. You don’t drop by this early in the morning unless there’s something wrong. Are you sure everything is okay? Are you and Jacki okay?”
“Yeah, we’re fine. Couldn’t be happier.”
“Ohhhkaaaay, so again, what’s really your reason for dropping by?”
“Are you and Garrett still kicking it?”
As soon as he says his name, I shift in my seat. I raise my brow, tilting my head. “Why?”
He leans forward, and clasps his hands together, turning his head towards me. “Listen, Sis, you know I love you, and I don’t get into your business or anything, but I saw him the other day, and dude was looking real fucked up. It looked like he hasn’t slept in days. I stepped to him on some brotherly type shit to see if he wanted to talk about whatever was going on, but he didn’t really want to get into it. Garrett is like a brother to me, and it fucked me up to see him looking so down. My gut told me it had something to do with you, so I thought I’d come here to find out what was going on.”
“And what made you think it had something to do with me?”
“’Cause for the last three years since dude met you, all he did was smile. Now he’s moping around like he done lost his best friend. Are the two of you beefing or something?”
I sigh, shaking my head. “No, we’re not beefing. Honestly, I haven’t spoken to or seen Garrett in a few weeks.”
“Ya’ll still…you know, dating, right?”
“Garrett and I were never dating,” I state. “He was simply someone I was spending time with.”
He sits back in his seat. “The way dude talked, it sounded like it was more than that.”
“He wanted it to be,” I offer, deciding to be perfectly honest with him. “But I only wanted sex from him.”
He playfully covers his ears, shaking his head. “I don’t wanna hear all that.”
“Oh, boy, quit,” I say, laughing. “I’m a grown, sexy, and very single woman with needs.”
“I know, I know. But I don’t need to have that image of you planted in my head.”
“Well, what the hell did you think I was doing with him? Playing cards?”
He lets out a hearty laugh. “Yeah, something like that.”
“Yeah, okay.”
He glances down at his watch. “Looks like ole boy got it bad for you.”
“Seems that way,” I say, crossing my legs, then flinging my hair. “But can you really blame him? I mean, look at me.”
He laughs again. “Not at all. Even with all that sleep in the corner of your eyes, and your hair all wild, you still a beauty.”
I laugh, too.
He shifts his body, facing me. “Look, baby girl. I know it’s really none of my business as to why things didn’t go anywhere between the two of you. But, trust me. Garrett cares a lot about you.”
“Did he send you over here to talk to me?”
“No, not at all. He doesn’t even know I’m here. Truthfully, he never really talked much about the two of you. He didn’t have to. It was all over his face. And I respected him for that. He’s really a good dude.”
“I know. That’s why I kept him around for as long as I did. Tyler, I really wish I could have given him more, but I don’t have it in my heart to be in a relationship right now. And I don’t want to be in one, just for the sake of being in one. It wouldn’t be fair to him, or to me.”
“I hear you. So, what exactly did he want from you that you weren’t ready to give him?”
“He wanted to date. But, ultimately, he wanted a relationship.”
“Would that have been so bad?”
“Not if I wanted him like that.”
“But you kept him around for almost three years, why?”
“You want the truth?”
He nods. “Please.”
“We had an arrangement. One I thought was working out fine until he wanted to change it up. I was content with the sex, ’cause the man can put it down in the—”
“I get the point,” he says, cutting me off.
I spare him the rest of the details and say, “I told him I didn’t think we should continue seeing each other.”
“Oh, I see,” he says, shifting in his seat. “And there was no room for compromise?”
I shake my head. “No, not as far as I was concerned.”
He smiles, shaking his head. “Still the same ole Bianca, I see.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask, feigning insult.
“Spoiled rotten,” he says, laughing. “Still gotta have everything your way.”
I fold my arms defiantly across my chest, pretending to be hurt that he would say such a thing. “Well, what’s wrong with that? I’ve always gotten my way. I have a mother and father and six overprotective brothers who have always given me my way.”
“That’s because none of us wanted to deal with your nonstop tantrums.”
I laugh. “Whatever.”
He gets up. I stand as well. “Listen, beautiful, I gotta get going. I had really hoped you and Garrett would have hit it off. I wanted him to be the one for you.”
“Well, I’m not sure if anyone is the one for me.”
He studies me, furrowing his brow. “What are you so afraid of?”
Honestly, Tyler’s question takes me off guard. I hadn’t expected him to ask me that. And I definitely didn’t expect to answer it, not in truth, anyway. But I do. I take a deep breath, and say, “Commitment, and getting hurt.”
He slowly nods, knowingly. “You gotta face your fears, baby girl. And be willing to take some risks. You won’t know love unless you open up your heart and mind to it.”
“I’m not ready to.”
He gives me another big bear hug, holding onto me for what seems like forever. I don’t know why I am becoming so emotional, but as soon as he pulls away, I feel myself tearing up, not wanting to let him go. “I love you, Sis.”
I force a smile, fighting back tears. “I love you, too, Tyler.” I open the door for him. “Thanks for stopping by.”
“Anytime, baby. You know I’m here for you. Day or night, anytime you feel like talking, about anything, you call me, you hear?”
I nod.
“Good.” He kisses me on the forehead. “Now, get back in the house before I have to arrest one of these peeping toms in your neighborhood for staring too hard at you.”
I giggle. “Bye, silly.”
He starts to walk off, then turns around. “Oh, one more thing, I think you should call him.”
“Call who?” I ask, feigning ignorance.
He grins, wagging a finger at me. “You know who, fool. Garrett.”
I shrug. “Maybe.”
He throws his hands up in the air, walking off, shaking his head. “See you at Mom and Dad’s for Thanksgiving,” he says over his shoulder.
“Can’t wait.”
I watch him get into his SUV, and wait until he backs out of the driveway and pulls off before shutting the door.
Thirty minutes later, I am in the bathroom hugging the porcelain bowl with my face inches from the toilet water, violently throwing up my guts. My head feels like it’s ready to explode into tiny pieces. A film of sweat forms across my forehead. Oh God, I think, heaving, I’m pregnant.
I practically crawl up the stairs, and pull myself up in my bed. I reach for the phone, and call out sick from work. Though I don’t need anyone to tell me what I already know in my heart, I call my gynecologist’s office, anyway, and leave a fierce message for someone to call me back to set up an emergency appointment. Although I ride the pro-choice and pro-life fence, I am very much aware of what I have to do. There’s no other recourse. I can’t have this baby, I think, drifting back off to sleep.