By two that afternoon Katie had unpacked for both herself and her son. Shane had returned from his riding lesson with Jack and was watching a movie. Katie prowled restlessly through the large house. She felt jumpy and out of place. Too much had happened in too short a period of time. Between her new job, trying to settle on the Fitzgerald ranch, watching the relationship between her son and her father disintegrate and then having to move out-she felt broadsided. She needed a break, she thought. A brief escape from the circumstances of her life. She thought about driving out to check on the construction of her new house, but the idea wasn’t enticing. She wanted to do something more physical.
She walked into the family room. Shane relaxed against Jack’s mother, his head resting trustingly on the older woman’s arm. They were each holding a bowl of popcorn and seemed engrossed in the adventures of a cartoon Hercules.
Hattie saw her and smiled. Shane hit the pause button on the VCR remote.
“Hi, Mom. Wanna watch?”
“I don’t think so,” Katie said, hovering by the doorway.
“What is it, dear?” Hattie asked. “Having trouble settling in?”
“I guess.” Katie shifted her weight, then shoved her hands into her pockets. “Everything is great. I really appreciate all that you’re doing for us. But I just can’t seem to relax. I think I’ve been inside too much or something. Would you mind if I went for a ride?”
“Not at all. The exercise will do you good. There’s a gray and white gelding in the stable. His name is Socks, and he’s a wonderful animal. Gentle and forgiving of rusty skills, but with plenty of stamina. He’ll take you wherever you want to go.”
“Thank you,” Katie said. She looked at her son. “Are you going to be all right here if I’m gone for a little while?”
He pushed his glasses up on his nose. “Mom, I’m not a baby. I like Hattie. It’s fine. After the movie I’m gonna work on the Web site for my school project. Hattie says she wants to watch.”
“Sounds nice.”
Katie wanted to question him further to try to find out how much Aaron’s outburst had hurt him. But this wasn’t the time. If Shane was feeling relaxed and comfortable in his new surroundings, she was grateful. She would talk with him about the rest of it later.
She waved to them both and walked out of the room. On her way to the stable she couldn’t help remembering the sight of her son curled up on the sofa, terrified of his grandfather. Her heart ached at the memory. By contrast he found comfort with Hattie and Jack. Why did her father have to be so damn difficult?
She drew in a deep breath and sighed. There were no magic answers to Aaron’s temperament. For now Shane was safe, and that was all that mattered.
Twenty minutes later she and the gray gelding cantered away from the barn. Katie felt her tensions and restlessness ease with each ground-eating stride of her mount. As Hattie had promised, Socks was forgiving of her awkward seat and slightly heavy hands.
She inhaled the sweet scent of the afternoon air. The sun warmed her back as a slight breeze blew her short hair away from her face. For the first time that day, she smiled. Maybe everything was going to be all right, after all.
Socks headed for a grove of trees, then circled them. Katie glanced around and realized that she was going to have to keep track of where they were going. This wasn’t Fitzgerald land, so she didn’t know her way. Getting lost wouldn’t be very smart.
She reined in Socks and studied the sun, then glanced back the way they’d come. She figured the Darby-Fitzgerald property line was northwest of her present position. If she found that, she could ride the fence and know where she was going. “Better than getting lost,” she murmured, then urged her horse forward.
They came to the fence line in less than a mile. Katie followed it north. Her mind drifted from topic to topic, and it wasn’t until they crested a rise that she realized where she’d subconsciously been leading her horse.
Below lay a small, shallow valley. There weren’t any cattle around. This time of year, they didn’t use this pasture. A line shack-a single-room structure with the most basic of supplies-stood sheltered by several trees. A single horse waited patiently out front.
Katie stared at the building. She hadn’t seen it in eleven years, yet nothing had changed. The building was just as plain and weatherworn. The trees didn’t seem any taller. She stared at the horse-even that was familiar. How many times had she ridden up and seen an animal hobbled by the front door?
All those years ago, only one person would have been waiting for her inside that small building. Today she had no reason to expect him to be there, and yet she was sure he was. Whatever powers had drawn her here this day must have also drawn him. The past had a wisdom all its own.
Memories flooded her brain, and she didn’t have power against their current. She leaned over and stroked Socks’s neck. The gelding snorted softly. She remembered the first time she’d crested this particular rise and seen the shack. It had been summer, and she’d been all of thirteen.
July fifth, she thought, losing herself in what had been all those years ago. She remembered the date because the Fourth of July had been awful. The family picnic had dissolved into fights and hurt feelings. Katie had been missing her mother. Gloria Fitzgerald had been gone less than two years, and while Katie really liked her new stepmother, Suzanne wasn’t Mom. Then there were the other problems in Katie’s life. Thirteen was not a great age. She wasn’t old enough to do anything fun, but she was too old to play with the little kids. She’d felt restless and confused by hormones and emotions. Worse, at breakfast that morning, her father had announced that Suzanne was pregnant.
Katie knew enough about sex to know how her stepmother got pregnant. And the thought of her father doing that with anyone had been enough to make her skin crawl. Parents were supposed to be, well, parents.
Then Katie had stumbled across the line shack. She’d gone to investigate, reasonably confident that she was trespassing on Darby land, but thrilled by the adventure, however small. She’d gone inside and had found someone had fixed up the place. There were fresh blankets on the cot and a comfortable chair by the window that was perfect for reading. Then there were the books. Dozens and dozens of wonderful books. Mysteries and biographies and travel stories. She’d found a couple of tins of cookies and a few magazines showing nearly naked women. Katie had helped herself to the former and been shocked by the latter.
For nearly two weeks she’d found her way to the shack in the afternoon, when her chores were done and no one cared where she went. She’d read and dreamed and started a journal. Then one afternoon the door had jerked opened and a tall, gangly shadow had demanded to know what the hell she was doing in his line shack.
Katie smiled as she remembered her surprise. It had taken her several seconds to recognize the fourteen-year-old boy in front of her.
“Jack?” Her heart had pounded so fast, she was afraid it was going to fly right out of her check.
Katie had worshiped Jack from afar ever since he’d taught her to ride a bike three years before. She daydreamed about them meeting and had planned dozens of clever things to say to him. At that moment she couldn’t think of a single one.
She’d scrambled to her feet. “Jack, it’s Katie.”
“I know who you are.”
His gruff words had not been the welcome she’d wanted. “I thought-” She motioned to the shack. “I found this a few weeks back. I’ve been spending my afternoons here.”
“Why?”
She’d stared at him, but hadn’t been able to tell what he was thinking. “Why are you mad at me? I didn’t hurt anything.”
His gaze flew to the tattered manila envelope that held the magazines of the almost-naked women. Katie blushed. When he remained silent and staring, she’d felt defeated.
“I just needed a place to go,” she said, carefully closing the book she’d been reading. “I didn’t think anyone would care that I’d been here. I’m sorry for trespassing.”
She’d walked toward the door, intent on leaving. But he hadn’t stepped out of her way. She raised her chin and glared. “I can’t get out with you standing there.”
“Did you know this was my place?” he asked.
She bit her lower lip. “I guessed it was. I didn’t know who else would be using it. But after you taught me to ride a bike and stuff, I didn’t think you’d mind me being here, too.”
He took a half step toward her and moved out of the shadows. She’d seen Jack at school, but she hadn’t been this close to him in three years. He was tall-much taller than her. While she was still more girl than woman, he’d made progress toward becoming a man. He had broad shoulders and long legs. He was still bony, but she could see the promise of his future in the skinny adolescent in front of her.
An odd kind of tension filled her chest. “I, ah, guess I never thanked you for that,” she mumbled. “Helping me learn to ride a bike, I mean. And I’m sorry about what happened after. I always wanted to tell you that but I knew my dad would kill me if he caught me talking to you again.”
“What about now? Isn’t he gonna be mad to find out you’re here?”
She shrugged. “I’m leaving and I don’t guess he’s gonna figure out I was here before.”
Jack studied her face. She knew she wasn’t very pretty-not like her sister Josie. She had freckles and she burned more than she tanned and she was short.
He held up a bag. “I have sandwiches,” he said gruffly. “You want one?”
It hadn’t been much of an invitation, but she’d clung to it all the same, accepting the food and sitting cross-legged on the cot while he’d taken the chair. She’d stayed with him that day. For the rest of the summer they’d spent their afternoons together. They’d talked and read books and talked some more. The following summer Jack had given her her first kiss in the line shack. By the time she turned fifteen, they were in love.
Katie shook her head and brought herself back to the present. Loving Jack had been one of the best parts of growing up, she thought. He’d been gentle and kind and supportive. Not to mention gorgeous. There’d been a time when she’d known everything about him. She’d thought they would be together always. Now, eleven years later, he was a stranger. A ghost from her past.
What had happened to change things, she wondered. Time? Distance? Different lives? Did it matter? She should let the past go. Or maybe just lay those ghosts to rest, she thought as she urged her horse forward and headed for the line shack.
Jack stood in the center of the single room. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been here, nor did he know why he’d come today. He had plenty of work waiting for him on the ranch, and stopping at the line shack was just a waste of time.
Still, he’d been drawn by forces he couldn’t explain. Was it knowing that Katie was going to be living at the house? Or was it that being around her had reminded him of the past?
He walked to the unfinished boards he’d nailed up for bookcases. As he touched the dusty spines of the books, he remembered each story. He heard echoes of conversation and laughter. As a teenager, this had been his sanctuary…and hers. Together they’d talked about hopes and dreams for the future. They’d fallen in love while having earnest conversations and gazing into each other’s eyes. On the battered old cot in the corner, he’d lain next to her and learned the feel of her body next to his. He’d discovered curves and scents, touching her through her clothing and once, only once, reaching under her shirt and stroking her bare breasts. They’d kissed and wanted and ached, but they’d never made love. Back then he would have assumed they would be each other’s first time-he would have been wrong.
A creak caught his attention. He turned and saw Katie standing in the doorway of the line shack. She was only a silhouette, but he recognized her shape. He waited, not saying anything. He wasn’t sure if he was pleased to see her or not. When she’d first returned to town he’d been confident that she would never be a part of his life. Now she was living at the ranch and invading his thoughts. He knew the danger of caring about her. How many times was he going to have learn that lesson before he got it right?
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
She laughed. “At least this time you didn’t swear at me.”
He frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“The first time you found me here you wanted to know what the hell I was doing here. So there’s been an improvement. In time you might even be happy to find me here.”
He wanted to tell her that was never going to happen, but he was no longer sure about anything. “You didn’t answer my question. Why are you here?”
She stepped inside and closed the door behind her. “The same reason you are. I want to touch the past…maybe for the last time.” She walked around the small room, then moved next to him and, as he’d done, traced the spines of the books.
She wore jeans, a long-sleeved shirt and worn boots. Despite the two-inch heel on the latter, she barely came up to his shoulder. He could easily rest his chin on her head and feel her blond curls tickling his neck. How many times had he done so in the past? Fifty? A hundred? He would walk up behind her and put his arms around her. She would lean into him. She’d been small and feisty, and holding her had felt so damned right.
She looked at him, her blue eyes wide and expressive. “In some ways this feels like just last week or last month. It can’t have been eleven years since I was out here.”
“I don’t get out here much, either.”
“I’m not surprised. What had been an escape for you turned into our place. You wouldn’t have been comfortable here on your own. Too many memories.”
He wanted to protest. She wasn’t right about him. He hadn’t missed her when she’d left. Except he had. He’d missed her so much he hadn’t known how he was going to make it. Emotions battered at the wall around his heart. He shoved them back in place. No way was Katie going to get to him again.
She picked up a slender volume of poetry and smiled. “You were my best friend. And the best part of my life. You made growing up wonderful.”
He didn’t know what to say. He refused to admit the same, even though it was true.
“I’ve often thought one of the reasons we were drawn together was that we each lost a parent at a vulnerable time in our lives,” she continued as if she hadn’t expected him to comment. “Your dad disappeared, my mom died.” She paused and frowned. “In fact they both happened in June, but a year apart. I never thought about that before.”
He hadn’t, either. For some reason that seemed significant. “We didn’t become friends for another couple of years,” he said. “We were both over it by then.”
“No,” she told him, moving to the cot and taking a seat. He saw that she’d left plenty of room for him, but he didn’t join her.
“I’m still not over my mom’s death,” she said. “I’m not saying I can’t function without her or that I haven’t moved on, but I still miss her. I think of her every Christmas and I always remember her birthday.” She smiled sadly. “I wanted her to see Shane when he was born and to be around to call when life got really scary. Suzanne’s been great and I’m lucky to have had her in my life, but she’ll never be my mother.”
“Yeah, well, I got over my dad running off.” He crossed to the small, cracked window and stared out at the land that had belonged to his family for generations. He didn’t understand women’s desire to poke at the past. Some things were better left buried.
“It sounds good, Jack, but no one believes you. Least of all me. You can’t tell me you don’t still miss him from time to time.”
He turned to face her. She looked at him with the same innocence she’d shown at thirteen. All trusting and open, like a puppy who adored everyone. He reminded himself that she’d been the only one to provide him a safe haven. After his father had left, he’d been ashamed. He’d continued to do well in school and sports just to show the world it didn’t matter, but in his heart he’d felt hollow and small.
What kind of man walked out on his family with only a few scribbled lines of explanation? After Russell had disappeared, Jack had felt the stares, heard the questions. He’d seen people watching him, wondering how much of his father he had in him. But Katie had never done that. Around her he’d always been able to be himself. Even when they didn’t agree with each other, they’d been honest.
“Sometimes,” he said at last, “I think about him. I wonder what he’s doing or where he is. Sometimes I wonder if he’s still alive.”
“Do you want to find him?”
“No.” Jack spoke without hesitation. “Why would I want to be around a man who could do what he did?”
“Maybe he had a good reason.”
“There is no good reason. He got tired of being responsible, so he left.”
“Maybe it’s-”
He took a step toward her and shook his head. “You can’t make him innocent in all this, Katie. He left. He came back a couple of months later for a single night, got my mom pregnant, then left again. No one has heard from him since. He’s not someone I want in my life.”
She drew in a deep breath. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
Sunlight illuminated her face. He saw the differences he’d noticed when they’d first met in town. The refining of bone and muscles that had changed a pretty girl into a beautiful woman. Just that morning he’d been close enough to know that she still smelled as sweet as ever. A few days before he’d kissed her and had tasted her heat. They’d always cared about each other and they’d always had fire burning between them. It had been a dangerous combination when they’d been young-it was lethal now.
“Are you really mad about your dad or are you using your temper to keep me at a safe distance?” she asked.
He stared at her. “You don’t believe in polite questions, do you?”
“Why start now?” She gave him a quick smile. “If I got all nice and well-mannered you might think I’d been taken over by aliens.”
He crossed the room and sat on the cot. They were close but not touching. He leaned forward and rested his forearms on his thighs, clasping his hands together between his knees.
“What do you want from me?” he asked.
“I want to know what you’re afraid of.”
You, he thought but didn’t speak the word. He was afraid of Katie and how she made him feel. That he might believe it was all right to try again, when he knew it wasn’t. He was afraid of the past. He wanted to resist the tug of all those yesterdays, but they pulled him under. Fighting the riptide wasn’t the answer. He just got tired and ended up being sucked under anyway.
“I’ve spent the past few years trying not to feel anything,” he said, speaking the absolute truth. “I like my life. I don’t want any changes.”
“You have to feel something, otherwise you’re not alive.”
Dead didn’t sound so bad right now. Or at least numb. Anything but the heat building inside him. Just sitting next to her was enough to make his blood race and pool. Passions were usually easily controlled, or at the very least directed toward safe partners. But there was nothing safe about Katie.
He’d only been in love twice in his life. First with Katie and then with Melissa, his wife. Both women had left him. Either he was pretty easy to fall out of love with or they’d never cared in the first place. He didn’t know which and he wasn’t sure it mattered. The results were the same.
“This was my refuge,” he said, looking around the shack. “Then you were gone and I couldn’t come back here anymore.”
She put her hand on his back. “I’m sorry.”
Her touch burned, but he endured the pain because-He swore silently. Damn if he knew why. Maybe because she was Katie and hell with her was a whole lot better than heaven with anyone else.
“Don’t be sorry,” he said, staring at the ground so she couldn’t read anything in his eyes. “I was busy running the ranch.”
She sighed. “I’d forgotten. Your foreman was waiting to retire. He stayed until you graduated from high school and then moved away. Somewhere west, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah. Arizona.” Jack grimaced. Old Bill Smith had stayed on longer than he’d wanted because he believed Jack should finish high school before taking over the Darby ranch. Jack had been grateful and resentful. He’d appreciated the time and hated the responsibility.
Her fingers slipped off his back, then he felt a slight weight against his shoulder. He glanced over and saw Katie leaning her head against him.
“That’s why you were so withdrawn that last year before I left,” she said. “You were swamped with responsibilities and details. But I should have known that. I should have understood. Why was I so angry?”
“You were seventeen, Katie. You wanted a regular boyfriend. One who had the time to take you to the movies and to school dances.”
“You were only eighteen. Look at all you had to give up.”
He didn’t want to think about that. Wishing didn’t change anything.
“I’m amazed that you stayed,” she said, straightening.
He glared at her. “I wouldn’t have run off. I’m not like my father.”
She held up both hands in a gesture of surrender. “I didn’t mean it that way,” she told him. “I was just thinking that while you probably love the ranch now, at eighteen it must have seemed like an unbearable burden. I know I would have wanted to take off for parts unknown.” She bit her lower lip. “And there I was, begging you to come with me.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry I was such an insensitive jerk.”
Despite the seriousness of their conversation, he couldn’t help smiling. “I called you a lot of names when you left, but insensitive jerk wasn’t one of them.”
“Want to read me the list now?”
“No.”
She leaned against the wall. “You must have hated me for running off and getting married within six months of leaving.”
“I remember questioning your commitment to me,” he said, keeping it as light as he could. He didn’t want to talk about the wrenching betrayal he’d felt when he’d found out that Katie had married someone else so fast.
“I didn’t mean to,” she said with a sigh. “I know that sounds pretty lame, but I was mad and young and I wanted to prove to the world that someone, somewhere, wanted me.”
I wanted you. But he didn’t speak those words, either.
They were silent for a moment, lost in the past. He thought about all they’d been through. He’d dreamed of leaving Lone Star Canyon, as had Katie. He’d been going to ride the rodeo and she’d been-
He shifted until he leaned against the side of the bookcase, facing her. “You were going to be a doctor,” he said, studying her pretty profile. “What happened?”
She gave him a wry smile. “I was married, pregnant, divorced and a mother before I turned twenty. It put a crimp in my educational plans.”
“Wouldn’t your family help?”
“I don’t know.” Katie tugged at her cuff. “My dad never thought much of my plans to be a doctor in the first place. He told me I wasn’t smart enough. Then when I got pregnant, he wanted me to move home. It was all I could do to keep him paying for college when I refused to come back here. I worked to support Shane and myself. I knew that medical school wasn’t going to happen in this life, but I still wanted to help people. That’s why I went into physical therapy.”
He considered her struggle. She made it sound easy, but he knew there’d been a lot of hard work and sacrifice on her part. “You’ve come a long way,” he said.
“Haven’t we both?” She smiled. “Not counting today, of course. Right now my life is a mess.”
“It’s not so bad.”
She raised her eyebrows. “My father is no longer speaking with me. In fact I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to go back to the family ranch. I have no home, a son who has been uprooted in the middle of a school year and-” She hesitated. “Well, let’s just say I have a few other issues I’m not at liberty to discuss.”
He wondered if those other issues were about a man. He told himself he didn’t care one way or the other. Bad enough to realize that being around Katie filled up parts of him he’d forgotten were empty. He was not going to get involved with her again.
“Your life is fine,” he told her. “There are a few problems with your father, but they’ll work themselves out. As for Shane, he’s adjusting. He’s making friends and doing great in school. He’s outgoing, bright and an all-around good kid.”
Her face glowed with maternal pride. “Thanks. You make me feel better. Despite everything, you still matter to me, Jack.”
He shifted until he was leaning toward her. “I’m sorry for what I said before,” he told her. “We are friends. I guess with our past we can’t help it.”
Pleasure darkened her eyes. “I really appreciate you saying that. You’ve always been important to me. If it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t know how to ride a bike.” She leaned toward him and reached up to touch her finger to the scar at the corner of his mouth. “And if it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have that very attractive scar.”
“Compliments of your brother.”
“Don’t say the Fitzgeralds never gave you anything.”
Her voice was low and teasing. Talking about his scar was a familiar joke between them. He told himself it didn’t mean anything. They were just old friends reminiscing.
But it didn’t feel like nothing. In fact it felt very much like something-something powerful and overwhelming. The low-level desire he’d felt since she’d first walked in the room seemed to explode inside him. He stared at her, wanting her and knowing that being with her was the biggest mistake he could make.
Her breath caught in her throat. “Jack, what are you thinking?”
“Nothing.” He turned away.
She touched his arm. “Tell me.”
He looked at her. Her lips were parted slightly, as if in invitation. She was all small and soft and dear God how was he supposed to resist Katie? Yet he had to. They couldn’t do this. Not now. Not ever.
Questions filled her eyes then, in a heartbeat, disappeared. “I know,” she whispered. “Don’t you think I want it, too?”
“We can’t,” he said hoarsely, even as he moved toward her, pulling her close.
“I’m not sure we have a choice.”
Then his mouth was on hers and he realized she was right.