He refused my offer to become his mistress out of hand.
– Lily to Fanny
Lily felt Heath stiffen at her question. All his languidness had flown, she realized as he fixed her with a measuring stare.
“You cannot possibly think I would set you up as my mistress,” he finally responded.
“Actually, I do think so.”
A scowl wreathing his handsome features, Heath sat up in bed, absently propping the pillows behind his back. “Have you taken complete leave of your senses?”
Lily dimpled up at him. “I believe I am in possession of all my faculties, my lord. At least the ones that still remain after you obliterated them just now.”
“Lily, damn it all…”
“Your swearing at me is becoming rather repetitive.” She pushed herself up to brace her weight on one elbow. “I want to be your chere amie, Heath.”
He shook his head in disbelief, then said very slowly, as if speaking to an extremely dimwitted child, “But I do not want you for my mistress, sweeting. I won’t settle for less than marriage.”
“And I won’t settle for marriage, especially after tonight…now that I know what making love to you is like. It was even better than you claimed it would be. I am certain the role of your mistress will be significantly better than that of your wife.”
“No, it won’t be,” Heath said tersely. “And it is unworthy of you even to suggest it.”
Lily arched her eyebrows. “Unworthy? Why? I think it is the perfect solution to our impasse.”
She rose so that she was kneeling beside him. Immediately his gaze drifted down to her bare breasts, then abruptly lifted again when she continued:
“A mistress has numerous advantages over a wife, Heath. Chiefly the independence to be her own woman without the misery. I will be free to leave an affair if I choose, just as you will. You won’t have to be saddled with me for life.”
“I have told you, I want to be saddled with you.”
“But you won’t consider my wishes at all?”
“Certainly I will consider them.”
“Then why won’t you at least think about my proposal?”
“No,” Heath repeated adamantly. “It’s out of the question.”
With that staunch declaration, he rose from the bed and went to the washstand, where he wet a cloth from a ewer and washed his loins. When he strode naked back to the bed, Lily found her gaze riveted on his beautiful, muscular body-until he commanded her to lie back.
Warm color suffused her face as he carefully washed away the traces of seed and the pink tinge of blood from her thighs and the area between. Lily drew a shaky breath at the intimate gesture, but Heath’s touch was completely perfunctory, not seductive in the least.
Neither was his tone as he returned the cloth to the washbasin. “You can’t have considered the consequences of your proposition, Lily. You would lose all respectability if you became my light-o’-love.”
“Our affair would have to be kept secret, of course.”
“We could not keep an arrangement secret for long. And until then, we would have to sneak around to avoid scandal. You couldn’t go about town with me, or be seen anywhere in public. You would have to hide in the shadows, just as you do now.”
Heath crossed to the bed again, but this time he sat beside her. “I won’t be content with a few stolen hours together now and then. What kind of life would that be for us? What kind of future would we have? We most certainly couldn’t have a family without marriage.”
“I forgot,” Lily murmured, reluctantly meeting his gaze. “You want heirs.”
“Eventually, yes. What about you, Lily? Are you telling me you don’t want children?”
She wasn’t able to say any such thing, but her desire for children was not strong enough to overcome her objections to matrimony. “Not if it means I must marry.”
His gaze searched hers. “Why this sudden turnabout? Why this insistence on our becoming lovers before our game is even over?”
He was completely serious, Lily realized, deciding she owed him the same seriousness. “The truth is, I don’t want you taking another woman as your mistress.”
He stared at her for a brief moment. “I don’t want any other woman for my mistress. I want you.”
“You say that now, but as soon as the marriage lines are dry, you may change your mind.”
A muscle twitched in his jaw. “I won’t argue with you or offer vows of fidelity when you won’t believe me anyway.”
“I won’t argue with you, either, Heath. But I mean to persuade you to listen to me.” Giving him a soft smile, Lily raised her fingers to his lips. “I know I have a long way to go before I can hope to satisfy a man of your vast experience and expertise, but I think I could become skilled enough in time. You could teach me what I need to know.”
“You already satisfy me, Lily. And I suspect you would make the best mistress I have ever known. But I am not interested.”
She reached down and lightly touched his flaccid member. “At least let me show my appreciation for your generosity…how grateful I am to you for helping my friends.”
Her offer caused his gaze to narrow. There was real anger in his eyes as his fingers closed about her wrist and held her hand away. “I won’t even dignify that with a reply.”
Standing abruptly, Heath retrieved his clothing and began to dress.
“You are leaving?” Lily asked in dismay.
“Yes, and so are you.” Bending, he picked up her gown and tossed it to her. “Put this on.”
Distractedly Lily clutched the garment to her naked breasts. “But I thought we would spend the night together.”
“We don’t have that right. We aren’t legally wed.”
“Heath…I want to make love to you again.”
He shot her a dismissive glance. “What you want is beside the point. I’m not touching you again.”
Lily raised her eyes to the ceiling in exasperation. “I have already lost my virtue to you. It hardly matters now how many times we make love.”
“It will matter to you tomorrow. You will be tender and sore enough as it is.”
Her gaze went to the table where the dishes were still in their covers. “We could at least stay long enough to partake of supper. I dislike for all that food to go to waste.”
“The hotel can return it to the kitchens and serve it to their staff. Get dressed, Lily. I am taking you home.”
Finally accepting that she wouldn’t sway him, she flounced off the bed. “Very well. But you cannot take me to the boardinghouse.”
“I certainly am not taking you to Marcus’s. He would have my liver if he knew what we had done tonight.”
“Heath-” she began before he cut her off.
“That is the end of it, Lily. Get dressed.”
Highly miffed, she pulled on her gown and struggled to fasten the hooks while various thoughts spun in her head. The evening had been an abject failure…except that she now was fully a woman and Heath had become her lover for a few magical, enchanting moments.
She couldn’t regret that, Lily reflected with a small, secret smile. Even if he obviously did.
She wasn’t prepared to give up just yet, though. By now Heath should know her well enough to realize she wasn’t the sort of woman to surrender after one little defeat. He would be her lover again. She just needed to determine how to overcome his objections.
Despite her resolve, Lily was actually a little relieved that Heath broke his unyielding silence as his carriage halted on the street near the boardinghouse.
“I intend to call upon you tomorrow afternoon. At one o’clock, if that is convenient.”
She debated refusing, but that would defeat her own purpose. “Very well, one o’clock.”
“Wear a pelisse and your veil. We will be taking a drive.”
“Oh?” Lily asked curiously.
“I have something to show you.”
Heath refused to expound further as he helped her down from his carriage and escorted her to the rear tradesmen’s entrance. Lily felt strangely disappointed when he bid her a terse good night and remained waiting for her to go inside. But it was his unexpected anger that took her aback. That, and the sense that she had gravely disappointed him.
If she hoped she would avoid detection by the household, however, she was soon proved wrong. Just as she was about to mount the rear service stairs, she spied Fanny coming down the corridor toward her. Surprisingly, Basil was directly behind her.
“May I speak to you a moment, Lily?” Fanny called out.
“Yes, of course.”
Basil halted beside Fanny. “I will leave you two ladies to your own devices. If you need me, Fanny, I am at your service.”
“Thank you, Basil,” Fanny replied with a soft smile. “I am glad we had our little coze.”
When he gave her an odd glance in return, it was almost a wince-which puzzled Lily. There were definite undercurrents of tension between Basil and Fanny, yet not the exasperation and irritation they usually roused in each other. Apparently they were no longer at daggers drawn, at least for the moment. And as Basil turned away, heading for the stairs, the look of desire and longing in his eyes was unmistakable.
Musing over the cause, Lily followed her friend to the parlor. The lamps were lit, so she surmised that Basil and Fanny had been making use of this room just now.
“What are you doing here, Fanny?” she asked as they settled into chairs. “I would have expected you to be occupied on a Saturday evening.”
“I came seeking company, but you were not here.” Her tone was almost accusatory.
Lily hesitated, not wanting to confess exactly where she had been. “Could not Fleur and Chantel have sufficed?”
“They are out with Lord Poole, celebrating.”
“Celebrating?” she echoed.
Fanny nodded. “It seems Lord Poole has rekindled his former ardor for Chantel, so he insisted on paying the entire gambling debt of thirty thousand pounds to Mick O’Rourke.”
“Why, that is splendid!” Lily exclaimed. “It means they are no longer in danger of imprisonment.”
“Yes,” Fanny said glumly. “But Mick still will not accept that I don’t wish to marry him. He called on me at my home this afternoon and offered me his entire fortune if I would agree to become his wife. He was quite unhappy when I refused.”
Stiffening involuntarily, Lily leaned forward in her chair. “That brute did not hurt you again?”
“No. This time he was the perfect gentleman.”
Lily surveyed her friend carefully. Either Fanny’s bruises had healed, or they were artfully concealed by cosmetics. Yet she still look disturbed.
“But…?” Lily prodded.
Fanny grimaced. “But Mick made a nuisance of himself. He wouldn’t leave my house, so I had no choice but to take refuge here. I was supposed to entertain one of the Prussian ambassadors this evening. Mick cost me a pretty penny, let me tell you. At this rate, he will put me out of business-which no doubt has become his aim.”
Lily scowled. “He is trying to coerce you to marry him?”
“I suspect he doesn’t see it that way.” Fanny sighed. “I like him well enough, but I have no desire to wed him. And he makes an extremely poor patron. He is far too possessive.” Fanny suddenly frowned. “What of you, Lily? I was told you were spending the night at Lord Danvers’s home with your sisters. Imagine my surprise to find you sneaking into the boardinghouse.”
“I was not sneaking,” Lily protested. “I merely saw no reason to advertise my precipitate return.”
“You were with Claybourne, were you not?” When Lily looked at her in surprise, Fanny sent her a sardonic smile. “His lordship’s carriage drove past on the street, and I recognized his crest on the door panel.”
“My being with him is hardly a crime, Fanny.”
Her friend sighed. “No, but I worry about you. Just what have you been doing with him, darling? The flush on your cheeks suggests you have gone past mere courtship. You have become lovers, have you not?”
“Well…yes,” Lily confessed, not wanting to lie. “Tonight was our first time, in fact. But you needn’t worry. It may come to nothing. I offered to become Heath’s mistress so he would abandon the notion of winning my hand in marriage, but he decidedly refused.”
“Oh, Lily.” Fanny sounded less shocked than dismayed.
Lily gave her a quizzical glance. “What is the matter, Fanny? You of all people should understand my desire for independence. The position of mistress will allow me freedom I could never have as his wife.”
“I know. But I feel guilty for leading you astray. I have been such a wicked influence on you. You would never have made so scandalous a proposition to Claybourne but for your friendship with me.”
Lily was truly puzzled. “You aren’t to blame whatsoever. And since when did you suddenly become so prim and proper?”
“Since you conceived the abominable idea of following in my footsteps. Trust me, Lily. You don’t want to be any man’s mistress. You do not want that life.”
“I am not proposing that I enter your trade, Fanny. Just that I limit my relationship with Claybourne to an affair instead of marriage.”
“Even so, I think you would be making a dreadful mistake.”
Falling silent, Lily searched her friend’s beautiful face. There was more to Fanny’s objection than met the eye. There was real distress in her tone, along with a genuine sadness. She had recently spoken of being lonely, Lily remembered…
“Fanny, dearest, what is troubling you?”
Lily was startled to see Fanny bite her lower lip as if holding back tears. When one spilled over, Lily sprang up from her chair and went to kneel before her friend, taking her hands in a light grasp.
“Come now, what did I say to make you cry?”
“It…was not anything you said.” Fanny dashed a hand over her welling eyes. “It is nothing, truly. I am simply feeling sorry for myself.”
“Why, Fanny? Because you are lonely?”
Pressing her trembling lips together, Fanny gave a shaky nod. “I suppose so. And because of all of the uncertainty with Mick. If I were wise, I would accept his marriage proposal.”
“You can’t possibly believe that marrying that brute would be wise.”
“At least I would have financial security as Mick’s wife.”
With effort, Lily managed to keep herself from scoffing. “You are just feeling vulnerable because you contributed all your savings to pay off the first ten thousand pounds of the gaming debt.”
“Perhaps, but I know what my fate will be when I grow old and lose my beauty. I see the streetwalkers in Covent Garden, scrounging for their livelihoods, barely able to put food in their bellies.” Fanny shuddered. “I don’t want to become like that.”
“Your circumstances are very different, Fanny. You are the toast of London.”
“For the moment, I am. But Fleur and Chantel were the reigning queens of their era, and look at them now. They are all alone. Well…Chantel has Lord Poole now, but that may not last long.” Fanny sniffed inelegantly. “When my old age comes, I will have no one. I have been spurned by all my family and former friends-except you and your sisters, of course.”
Lily felt her heart twist at the bleakness of her tone. “You know you will always have us. And you have several other close friends. Fleur and Chantel are like family to you.”
“Yes, they are my family now. But it is not the same as having a husband and children.”
“You want a husband and children?” Lily asked in surprise.
It took Fanny a moment to answer. “I believe I do, Lily. I try to convince myself that I am happy in my current life, but I want more. I wish I could be with just one man…a husband I could love. I wanted the gay life of a Cyprian, but I would give it all up for true love.”
Lily scarcely knew what to say. Fanny had always condemned love as a foolish weakness, but perhaps that was due to her profession; courtesans could rarely afford the luxury of love.
Fortunately she wasn’t required to reply just then since Fanny emitted a bitter little laugh. “Perhaps I have merely been dwelling too much about husband-hunting because of my book. The publisher is pleased with the manuscript, did I tell you?”
Lily had almost forgotten about Fanny’s efforts to supplement her income as an author. “No, you said you were finishing the final corrections,” she murmured.
“Advice to Young Ladies on Capturing a Husband by an Anonymous Lady,” Fanny recited. Her lips curled in a sad smile. “I am most definitely not a lady any longer. And it seems rather arrogant of me to presume I could advise anyone about securing a husband when I cannot even fend for myself.”
Lily squeezed her friend’s hands. “You are being much too hard on yourself. You gave Roslyn excellent advice on how to arouse a gentleman’s ardor, and because of it, she will be marrying the Duke of Arden.”
“But I had little to do with them falling in love. Arden lost his heart to Roslyn because of her brains and her charming nature, not to mention her beauty.”
Patting Fanny’s knee, Lily rose to her feet. “Well, I imagine you are right about one thing. Your spirits are depressed just now, so you are allowing yourself to wallow in self-pity. We will have to find a way to bring you out of your melancholy. What sort of husband do you want, Fanny?”
She looked up distractedly as Lily returned to her own seat. “I beg your pardon?”
“Perhaps you should take your own advice and capture a husband. And I am willing to help if I can.”
Fanny’s eyes widened. “You, Lily? You are willing to help me acquire a husband?”
Lily smiled. “I know. It boggles the imagination and violates every independent principle I possess. But I cannot bear to see you so despondent.” She let her expression turn serious. “What about Basil?”
Fanny’s brows drew together in a frown. “What about him?”
“You are fond of him, despite the constant rows you two have.”
“Not fond enough to marry him, for heaven’s sake! Are you daft? Basil is the most insufferable, provoking creature alive.”
“To you, he is. But I suspect he is being deliberately vexing because he wants to gain your attention. Otherwise you would completely ignore him.”
Obviously disbelieving, Fanny shook her head. “Basil is vexing because he is Basil. He doesn’t think of me in an amorous way in the least…” Her certainty faltered. “Does he?”
“Well, I cannot claim to know his feelings, but I have seen the way he sometimes looks at you when you aren’t aware of it. I expect he would worship the ground you walk on if you gave him the slightest encouragement.”
Her jaw dropping, Fanny stared at Lily as if the possibility had never occurred to her.
“Do you have even the slightest romantic affection for him?” Lily asked. “You enjoy his company, I am certain-because of your common childhood memories if nothing else. You and Basil were fast friends when we were growing up.”
“I suppose I do enjoy his company,” Fanny said thoughtfully before her mouth quirked with irony. “At least with Basil I can be myself instead of always being on my guard. He doesn’t see me only as a prize possession or a commodity for sale.”
Lily had to agree. Fanny was sought after by half the men in London, but Basil was not bowled over by her beauty or her aura of excitement and glamour. “You can be a real person around him,” Lily stated.
“Yes,” Fanny said slowly. “With all my patrons I must be witty and flattering and artfully alluring at all times.”
“But with Basil you can say precisely what you want to say.”
Her smile was faint. “Indeed. I can be as cross and temperamental and irritable as I choose. But that is simply because he doesn’t care enough about me to be concerned with my feelings.”
“He cares,” Lily assured her.
“I believe you are mistaken. Basil couldn’t think any worse of me than he does. He profoundly disapproves of my profession, that much is certain.”
“Because he is jealous of all the men you must be with. But if you were willing to change professions…” Lily let the thought linger for a time while Fanny pondered. Then: “If you believed that Basil truly loved you, Fanny, could you possibly return his regard someday?”
Fanny thought over the question for a long moment before replying. “Astonishingly enough, I might.” But almost immediately she followed with a scoffing sound. “I must be mad to find Basil appealing. No doubt I want him simply because he doesn’t want me.”
“He does want you, Fanny. That is abundantly clear to me, if not to you.”
It was a perfect case of opposites attracting, Lily reflected. Fanny was gay and lively, a pleasure-seeker down to her satin dance slippers, while Basil was earnest and studious and serious most of the time. “He would cure your loneliness, at least.”
Fanny’s laugh held a sharp note of humor. “Perhaps so-because we would fight all the time. No, Lily. It would never serve. I could never marry Basil. In any event, we would starve on his income. I have very expensive tastes, you know. He is a mere law clerk who earns barely a pittance.”
“But he may have greater ambitions, Fanny, and his future prospects could be quite handsome. He could perhaps take a position as secretary to a nobleman who is involved in politics. The House of Lords is always passing laws governing the country. And to write those laws, someone must have knowledge of our legal system. Why not Basil? He could earn a significantly higher wage as a peer’s secretary than as a clerk.”
“I suppose so.” Fanny worried her lower lip. “But it wouldn’t be enough to support an expensive wife. No, a marriage with him is out of the question. It would be a disastrous mismatch.”
“I am not convinced of that,” Lily replied. “But you needn’t make up your mind this moment. You should, however, think about what Basil means to you.”
“It might prove a cure for my doldrums at least,” Fanny quipped, obviously in higher spirits. Suddenly she straightened. “How did we manage to change subjects so radically, Lily? We were speaking of you and Lord Claybourne.”
“I would much rather discuss you and Basil,” Lily said lightly.
“I still believe you should consider Claybourne’s proposal of marriage. You may never find a better match.”
That might indeed be true, Lily thought, falling silent. Heath would make a better candidate for her husband than any man she had ever met. She had to concede they were well-matched, at least. If she were not so adamantly set against marriage…
“In all seriousness,” Fanny continued, “I might make a similar observation about you. You seem to enjoy his lordship’s company a great deal. Did you enjoy his lovemaking also?”
She did enjoy his company, greatly, Lily admitted to herself. And her enjoyment of his lovemaking was beyond question. She had never known such pleasure as Heath had made her feel. She couldn’t deny, either, that she had relished the closeness she had known with him tonight. The tenderness. The sharing.
She had felt a sense of feminine power as well. Heath was not the kind of lover to dominate or command or take selfishly. Instead, he had led her to experience the kind of enthralling fulfillment she knew few women ever experienced.
He had treated her as fully his equal even as he tutored her untried body. He had taught her the pleasure of giving someone else pleasure. The joy of surrendering to him as a woman, of meeting his passion with her own. She no longer feared his tenderness, Lily realized-which should have been a warning in itself…
Again Fanny broke into her silent reflections. “Having Claybourne for your husband could satisfy more than your physical desires, Lily. You could have a good future with him. Trust me, you don’t want to find yourself all alone in your old age.”
It was the same argument Winifred had made recently, Lily remembered.
“Can you honestly say,” Fanny pressed, “that you are completely happy as you are now?”
She wasn’t unhappy, at least. There were times when she felt a little…empty. Lily frowned. Did she truly feel empty? No, of course not. She led a very fulfilling life, even if she had been lonely without her sisters during these past weeks since coming to London.
“I am perfectly content to remain single,” she finally said.
Fanny sighed. “Well, then you should take care not to become too close to Lord Claybourne. Passion can lead to love, Lily. If you don’t want to risk losing your heart, you would do best to break off all intimacy with him.”
Lily’s frown deepened. “I may not have a choice. He is very close to winning our game, and if he does, I agreed to allow him a formal courtship.”
“Just because you are required to share his company doesn’t mean you must share his bed. It would be a grave mistake to continue.”
No doubt Fanny was right, Lily acknowledged. If she continued as Heath’s lover, she risked surrendering her heart to him. And it could prove disastrous if she were to fall in love. For then she might actually agree to marry him, and she would be trapped in wedlock with no way of escape, just as her mother had been.
She knew how seductive Heath’s powers of persuasion could be. How captivating his allure. No doubt it had been unwise of her to make love to him tonight-
“At least promise me you will give up this fool notion of becoming his mistress,” Fanny urged.
Lily nodded slowly. “Very well,” she said, realizing the wisdom of that advice. “I promise.”
She would end her affair with Heath before it had even begun, even if just now her heart and body yearned to do otherwise.