Before Josie knew what was happening, Del swept her up in his arms. Since she’d moved in with him, he’d carried her many times. Mostly from her wheelchair to the sofa, or from her wheelchair to bed. She told herself she should be used to the feel of his arms around her, supporting her. But this time was different. This time she would swear she could feel the heat and desire filling him. This time his hands seemed especially tender where they touched her. This time he murmured her name, then brushed a kiss across her forehead. His actions almost made her grateful that she couldn’t walk like a normal person.
“My room?” he asked, then chuckled low in his throat. “Make that our room?”
She hesitated, then nodded. Their room. She hadn’t allowed herself to go back into that section of the house. Every time she’d been tempted, she’d reminded herself that she was his guest and she owed him his privacy. But she’d wondered if it looked different, if he’d changed the furniture or the bedspread.
He walked toward the wooden double doors. The left one stood ajar. He turned sideways to slip inside, flipping on the light switch as he went, then crossed to the bed and set her on the mattress.
Josie looked around, taking in what was the same and what was different. The furniture-the big king-size bed, the nightstands and the dresser-were all familiar, but the bedspread was new, as were the shutters at the windows. She remembered drapes. He’d pulled up the carpet and had replaced it with a hardwood floor covered with several small scatter rugs. The fireplace in the corner was now brick instead of river rock. The space was a disquieting combination of old and new. She felt she was living through a dream where reality kept changing and shifting until she couldn’t maintain her balance.
Del sat next to her and took her hand in his. “Are you all right? Have you changed your mind?”
She shook her head, then realized he wouldn’t know what she was denying. “I haven’t changed my mind. It’s just…strange to be here.”
“Would you rather make love in the guest room?”
Those two words, make love, made her shiver as desire flared up inside of her. Would the guest room be better? She decided it didn’t matter where they actually became intimate. There were ghosts in every part of this house. And not just the ones from their marriage. Even though she knew it was stupid, she couldn’t help wondering about the women he’d been with since she’d left. How many had there been? How beautiful, how young, how undamaged?
Unexpectedly her eyes began to burn, as if she was close to crying.
Del touched her chin, forcing her to look at him. “What are you thinking?”
She sighed. There wasn’t much point in avoiding the truth. He was going to see it for himself in just a few minutes.
“I saw Jasmine,” she whispered. “There have been others, too, I’m sure. Plus there are the pictures we found. The ones from our honeymoon.”
He frowned. “Josie, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
If she’d been able to, she would have slid off the bed and started pacing. As it was, all she could do was half turn away from him and hunch her shoulders forward.
“My body,” she said flatly. “It’s different. Not just the loss of muscle or the weight gain. I have scars. Some are old, but others are still red and thick. I’ve lost a lot of flexibility. I don’t bend the same. I can’t get in all those crazy positions anymore. Everything is going to be different. I just wanted you to know that.”
Speaking the words made her ache inside. She didn’t like being different and she hated having to tell him about it. She wanted to turn back the clock and be the person she’d been before. Except she liked the emotional lessons she’d learned in the past year. If only she could have gotten the latter without having to be hit by a truck.
He touched her shoulder, urging her to face him again. When she didn’t move, he spoke anyway.
“Do you think I care about scars or the fact that we can’t do it like professional gymnasts?”
There was a long pause, and she realized he expected her to answer. Slowly she shifted until she could look at him. He stared at her-all intensity and fire.
“I don’t know if you do care,” she admitted. “That’s what makes this difficult. Plus, no one has seen me. I mean no one other than a medical professional.”
He smiled. “I promise I won’t run screaming from the room. As for the rest of it, Josie, you matter. All of you. No part is any more important than another, except for your brain. Because that’s who you are. It’s about your insides way more than your outsides. Please believe that.”
“I want to.”
“Then take a chance. I meant what I said before. I think you’re beautiful. Scars and all. As for having to make love differently, I’m not frightened of that. Slow and seductive isn’t a punishment. Besides-” he reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear “-we can think of it as a second first time. For us it will be as if we’ve never made love before. How many couples get that kind of second chance?”
He was saying all the right things. She desperately wanted to make love with him, but there was so much fear.
“Trust me,” he whispered as he pulled her close and pressed his mouth to hers.
She melted into the kiss. His mouth was that impossible combination of firm and soft. Just the way she remembered, she thought, as heat began to steal through her. His lips moved against hers, rediscovering her, letting her rediscover him. She liked that he went slow, brushing against her over and over, teasing with his tongue at the corner of her mouth, but not dipping inside. Not yet.
Instinctively she raised her hands to his shoulders. From there she slid one into his hair and rubbed the other up and down his back. He was exactly as she remembered-hard and unyielding. Thick muscles shifting as she touched them. He cupped the back of her head, as if he was afraid she would bolt. She wanted to tell him that she wasn’t going anywhere, but she didn’t want to break the kiss long enough for her to speak.
He dropped one hand to her shoulder. As his strong fingers began kneading away her tenseness, his tongue swept across the seam of her mouth. She instantly parted for him-opening to let him inside.
Even as they began the intimate dance she recalled so clearly, her body surrendered to desire. Her breasts swelled, becoming exquisitely sensitive. Low in her belly, a shiver trickled through her. It moved down, between her thighs, making her ache with longing. She could feel herself readying for him. Her woman’s place remembered the feel of him inside of her-how he’d always had the ability to bring her the most perfect release.
But this was more than just needing ease from sexual tension, she thought, as his tongue teased hers and made her moan low in her throat. She desperately wanted the connection with Del. She wanted to be in his arms, held close. She wanted to feel skin on skin. She wanted tenderness as well as sex.
The need made her feel vulnerable, which made her uncomfortable. But not wanting to deal with it didn’t make it go away. So she concentrated on his warm breath and the heaviness of his hand on her waist.
Del shifted slightly, as if he were going to lie on the bed. Without thinking, she moved to straddle him. Her on top was a position they’d always favored. She half turned in her seat and raised her left leg to slid over his. Instantly pain ripped through her, making her gasp aloud and collapse on the bed.
“Josie?” Del bent over her, stroking her face. “What happened? What hurt you?”
She couldn’t speak. It was as if someone had set fire to her bones…and not in a good way. Pain seared her, making it impossible to talk. She could barely breathe. Humiliation joined the agony, making her want to scream her frustration. It wasn’t fair. Please, God, why couldn’t it be fair?
“Josie?”
“I’m fine,” she managed, breathing out the words more than speaking them. “Just give me a second.”
She rubbed her thigh in an effort to ease the sensation. Del’s hand pressed over hers.
“Does rubbing help?” he asked.
She nodded.
He pushed her fingers away and began to move in a slow, deep circle. He was stronger than her and he had the advantage of being able to sit up and press into the movement. At first his ministrations only made it worse, but gradually the tension eased and she was able to move again.
“Thanks,” she said as she sat up. She was careful not to look at him. Embarrassment flooded her. If she’d been able, she would have left his room and then his house, without once looking back.
But she couldn’t leave. At least not yet. She could only sit there and search for words to explain.
“I told you I couldn’t do the things I’d done before.”
She knew the statement sounded like an accusation. As if it was Del’s fault.
“I understand. So what went wrong?”
She laced her fingers together. “I tried to swing my leg over yours. I thought I’d straddle you. But I can’t lift my leg in that direction.”
“You hurt yourself. Is it temporary or do you think we should get you to the doctor?”
“I’m fine.”
Just leave me alone. Except she couldn’t say that part because she didn’t want to be alone. She wanted to be with Del, but only as her old self.
“Do you still want to make love, or did that kill the mood?”
She couldn’t believe he’d asked. She turned to glare at him. “I know you can’t want me anymore. Not like this.”
He raised his eyebrows. “I don’t recall saying what I wanted. I asked about you. How do you feel?”
“Why does that matter?”
“Because you’re half this team.” He leaned close and kissed her. “What I learned from what just happened is that we have to be really careful. I’m happy to do that. What I need to know is if you still want this or if you’re too sore.”
Words failed her. He still wanted to do it? Now? After she’d demonstrated how different it was going to be?
“But we might have to use pillows to support my hips,” she said uneasily. “And I won’t be able to wrap my legs around you or anything.”
“Wow. That’s pretty terrible. I’m completely grossed out.”
As he spoke, he angled his head so that he could kiss the side of her neck. She shivered at the delicate contact.
“You’re not being serious.”
“You haven’t given me a reason to be. Do you like this?”
He took her ear lobe between his teeth and gently bit down. Another shiver rippled through her, this one erasing the last of the pain. Suddenly she could feel the dampness between her thighs and the ache in her breasts. Tension spiraled through her, making her blood run hotter and faster.
She pulled away so that she could see his face. “Are you sure?”
He smiled then. That “I’m so damn male” smile men got when they knew they were about to get lucky. “Oh, yeah.”
She couldn’t help smiling, as well. “Promise you won’t be grossed out too much.”
“You have my word.”
He shifted so he could slide one arm behind her back and the other under her legs, then he moved her so that she was lying on the mattress.
“Just relax,” he told her as he stretched out next to her. “Let me do all the work. Your only job is going to be giving me instructions.”
She tried to ignore a flutter of nerves in her stomach. “I like doing that.”
“I know. So have at it. Tell me if you want more or less or harder or faster. Whatever seems right at the time.”
As he finished speaking, he bent over and kissed her. At the same time, he reached for the front button of her dress and unfastened it.
Josie told herself to concentrate on the feel of his mouth against hers, on the way their tongues instinctively moved together in a pattern they’d established years before. She tried to focus on how right it felt to be with him, to be next to him, in bed with him. But she couldn’t. All she could think about was the row of buttons giving way beneath his questing fingers and how he was going to pull her dress open at any second and then he would be able to see a lot of her body and it wasn’t very pretty and he was going to want to call the whole thing off and he wouldn’t know how so she was going to have to do it but she really, really didn’t want to because-
One hand settled on her breast. The contact startled her, making her gasp against his mouth. But the quick exhalation came more from how good his palm and fingers felt than from horror. In fact there was less and less horror as he began to move against her curves. The lace of her bra was barely any barrier at all.
She knew she was fuller than she’d been the last time they’d made love. He slowly discovered all her fullness, then gently rubbed her nipple between his thumb and forefinger. The attention was exquisite, making her arch slightly against him.
She wanted to raise her hips and part her legs, but she didn’t. She was careful to keep her movements small so she wouldn’t set off any more pain explosions.
As his fingers teased her breast, his tongue teased her mouth. The combinations of contact made her want to whimper. Everything he was doing felt so very good. She’d been skin-starved for so long. The thought of another man doing this to her was impossible to imagine, but with Del she suddenly knew she would be safe.
“Josie,” he whispered against her mouth as his hand began to slip lower. Fingertips drifted across her belly, circling down to that most secret place between her thighs.
It was only then that she realized he’d unfastened her dress to the hem. Darn those buttons, anyway. They made her too accessible.
Not that she was going to complain, she thought dreamily as his fingers rubbed against her. Through the thin layer of her panties, he found that one place designed to make her scream with delight. She parted her legs to give him more room and forced herself not to arch into his caress.
He moved in a steady rhythm. Around and over, making her sigh and shudder and reach for that perfect moment of release. Past and present merged. How many times had he touched her like this before? How many ways had he pleasured her? It didn’t matter if he used his fingers or his tongue, if he was inside of her or not, he could always push her to the edge, then catch her as she fell.
“I want to do more,” he breathed against her mouth. “I want to crouch between your legs and kiss you there. I want to use my tongue to make you scream.”
His words made her dampen even more. Her breathing increased and she found she was clinging to him as if she was in danger of being swept away.
“Next time,” he promised. “We’re going to be more traditional tonight. Just to get you comfortable with me.”
She managed to distract herself from the growing pressure so that she could open her eyes and look directly at him. Passion tightened his face. She gave a slight smile.
“I’m feeling very comfortable,” she murmured.
“Are you sure?”
“Oh, yes. Very sure. And very comfortable.”
His fingers continued to move as they spoke. Around and over. Gently faster, then slower. Teasing, always teasing.
“Am I doing it right?” he asked. “Could I do anything differently?”
A sudden heat flared on her cheeks. She wasn’t usually embarrassed about sex, but this was different.
“Um, well, we could take off my panties.”
She forced the word out, her need larger than her shyness. Because if her panties were removed Del would continue to touch her, but without the scrap of silk between them. He would continue to stroke her most sensitive place but he would also push his fingers inside her. Just the thought of that was nearly enough to send her flying.
“Done,” he said, and dropped a quick kiss on her mouth.
He moved so that he could shift to his knees. It was only then that Josie realized her fatal mistake. Now he could see her legs.
“Del, don’t,” she said, reaching down to cover herself with the edges of her dress.
His gaze met hers. “Don’t what?” he asked. “Touch you?”
He demonstrated the action by sweeping a single finger between her legs. Despite herself, she moaned.
“Don’t what?” he repeated, then lowered himself so that he could kiss the top of her left thigh. “Don’t think you’re lovely and wonderful? Don’t imagine myself deep inside of you? Don’t remember how it felt to take you and be taken by you?”
Each word fell on her, branding her, making her recall how it had been between them. Her breathing quickened. When he swept his hands up the length of her legs, she found if she didn’t think about it too much, she actually didn’t mind. She felt the ridges of her assortment of scars and knew he felt them, too. But he didn’t look at them. Instead he kept his gaze locked with hers.
Slowly he reached forward and pulled down her panties. Then he returned to her side and drew her into a sitting position. When she’d shrugged out of her dress, he unfastened her bra and slid it down her arms. Finally he settled her back on the bed and stretched out beside her. His mouth returned to hers while his fingers resumed their delicate torture.
But this time was so much better. This time there wasn’t anything between them, not fabric, not even air. He brushed against her swollen wetness and dipped into her waiting heat. Over and over he thrust into her, mimicking the act of love to follow. His mouth trailed down her throat, then moved lower until he took one nipple between his lips. His tongue flicked against her. That combined with the gentle movements of his fingers was too much for her. She clutched the bedspread and prepared herself for flight.
Higher and faster and lighter and over and around. How he touched her. He knew when to concentrate on that single spot and when to push a finger inside. The pace increased. He returned his mouth to hers, kissing her deeply until she couldn’t hold back anymore. It had been so very long, and she’d so missed making love with Del.
That was her last conscious thought as the pleasure shuddered through her. Her body trembled with release. She called out his name over and over as she soared into the perfection of the release. And when she was finally still, she found herself cradled in his arms.
Seconds passed, then minutes, where she struggled to catch her breath. When she was finally still, he brushed her hair away from her face.
“I want you,” he murmured.
“Yes,” she told him. “Please, be inside of me.”
He rose to his feet and quickly stripped off his clothes. Shirt, shoes, socks, jeans, briefs. Until he was naked.
Josie looked at him, at the breadth of his shoulders and the way dark hair lightly covered his chest. Time had honed his muscles. He was still beautiful, especially that most male part of him. He was also very aroused. The proof of his desire made her feel safe and wanted.
He moved to rejoin her on the bed, but she raised her hand to hold him off.
“Protection,” she said. “I’m not on anything and parts of me are still completely intact.”
“No problem.” He opened the nightstand and pulled out a sealed box of condoms. After opening the container, he removed one, then returned to her side.
They kissed deeply. Although she’d already had her pleasure once, Josie wanted more. She needed to feel Del inside of her, filling her the way he used to. Tension radiated from him-more proof that he was as ready.
“It’s time,” she murmured against his mouth.
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely. Just go slowly. I don’t know how much I’m going to bend.”
His gaze turned serious. “Tell me if anything hurts. I don’t mind stopping.” He hesitated, then grinned. “Okay, I’ll mind a little but I’ll still do it.”
She nodded, then parted her legs as far as she could. Del applied his protection and positioned himself between her legs. He stopped long enough to grab pillows and place them under her knees, then he gently moved his hips forward.
She felt him enter her. Slowly, so very slowly, filling her until she knew she couldn’t stand anything more of this extraordinary pleasure. She stretched around him and felt her body collecting for the first pulse of her release.
When he was all the way inside, he paused. “Are you all right?”
She nodded. There was a slight tugging in her hips, but nothing she couldn’t ignore. She desperately wanted to tilt her pelvis to invite him in further. However she knew the folly of that move. Spending the next fifteen minutes screaming in pain would be a mood breaker.
Instead she let him do all the work. She tightened around him with each thrust but otherwise was still. Del moved slowly but steadily, filling her over and over again. Tension increased with each penetration until she couldn’t hold back anymore. The first shuddering release swept through her.
He groaned with her climax. His gaze sought hers.
“I can feel that,” he gasped in amazement, his features tight with passion. Then he swore and bent low to kiss her.
She found herself caught up in a chain reaction. With each thrust, she lost a bit more of herself to the release. The slow rhythm was making her crazy in the best way possible. She never wanted it to stop. Over and over she shuddered until she was exhausted and content. Finally he gave one last, deep thrust and was still. She was so in tune with him that she felt the pulsing rush of his own competition. They stared at each other in that moment of perfect communication, two truly united as one.
Del pulled the covers over Josie and himself, then drew her into his arms.
“You okay?” he asked.
She leaned her head against his shoulder and sighed. “That’s the fifth time you’ve asked me. I’m going to stop saying yes in a second.”
“I want to make sure I didn’t hurt you.”
“Del, you redefined my role in the universe, but you didn’t hurt me.” She snuggled closer and closed her eyes. “Thank you. That was spectacular.”
“I liked it, too.”
She shoved at his arm without opening her eyes. “Don’t you dare pretend it wasn’t amazing.”
He smoothed the hair from her face and smiled into the night. “Amazing works for me.”
Amazing and a bunch of other words like incredible or unbelievable. Sex with Josie had always been great, but tonight was one of the only times he remembered making love with her. There’d been a closeness, a connection he didn’t recall from their past. Being inside of her had changed everything. Or maybe it had just exposed the truth.
He was falling in love with her.
Del shifted so he could raise his free arm and slide his hand under his head. Josie’s slow breathing indicated that she was already falling asleep. He’d always appreciated that she wasn’t one of those women who liked to talk after sex. That hadn’t changed.
But many other things had, he thought, remembering her concerns about him looking at her scars. She’d been scared and vulnerable. Two very unnatural states for his ex-wife. But she’d faced down her fears, which was 100 percent Josie. He was having trouble reconciling the person she’d been, with the person she’d become.
The impatience was gone, as was her anger, he thought, although given what she’d been through in the past year it made sense that she would be more intense. Instead Josie had gentled. He felt different, as well. Maybe they’d used the time apart to grow up. Had they changed enough?
He stroked her hair and heard her murmur his name. If he was falling in love with her, what was going to happen now? He hadn’t allowed himself to think about the future, but here it was-looming.
He thought about all the women he’d been with after the divorce. He’d enjoyed them but he’d never loved anyone but Josie. She’d claimed his heart eight years ago, and he’d never bothered to get it back.
“I like you holding me,” she whispered in the dark, sounding sleepy. “You feel good.”
“You, too.”
“Was I…” Her voice trailed off. “Were you surprised?”
At first he thought she was asking about them making love. Then he realized she meant the scars. Had they shocked him? He thought about the lines on her legs. Some were pale, others were still red and thick. There were scars on her stomach, her arms and a thin one down the side of her left breast. Three years ago she’d been physically perfect. Today she was everything he wanted.
“I wasn’t surprised that it was still good between us,” he told her. “You always were a hot babe.”
She giggled. “That’s not what I meant.”
“I know.” He turned and kissed her forehead. “The scars only matter to me because they meant you were in pain once. Otherwise, I don’t even see them.”
“But we had to do it differently. I couldn’t get in any weird positions.”
“I don’t care about that. I like doing it the old-fashioned way. Making love doesn’t have to be a sporting event every time.”
She sighed. “We used to do it standing up, Del. I can’t do that anymore.”
He pulled her tighter against her. “When you were gone, I missed the sound of your laughter and the way you smelled. I missed making love, but when I thought about that, I never once imagined us doing it against the door. I swear.”
“You promise?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.” She sighed and was still.
Del enjoyed the feel of her curves next to him. What exactly were they talking about, he wondered. It seemed to him they were skirting around the issue of their marriage. They were living in the same house and they’d just become lovers. Did that mean they were going to give it another try? He wanted to believe it might work, but he wasn’t sure. Josie had lived her life to be independent, and he wasn’t interested in a relationship in which he wasn’t needed. So where exactly did that leave them?