“Sounds to me like you just want to have your cake and eat it, too.” I listened for the sound of Beth waking up in the room next door as TJ cupped my mound over the sheet. The girl had some sort of extrasensory “Mommy and Daddy are having sex” antenna, and inevitably woke up for a glass of water or to go to the bathroom at the most inopportune times.
TJ’s hand rocked the way he knew I loved, making me squirm. “Actually, I think it’s eat your cake and have it, too.” I rolled my eyes and snorted in the dark but shifted my hips toward him anyway. “Well, think about it. You can have your cake and eat it, but you can’t eat your cake and still have it.”
“All right, enough with the metaphor.” I reached for his cock and found it already hard, and that made me smile-although I wasn’t sure, suddenly, if it was the feel of my warming pussy under his hand that had effected him, or the conversation we’d been having about adding other people to our relationship.
The latter made me suddenly want to cry.
TJ sighed, pulling the sheet aside. “Variety… it’s the spice of life.”
“Great, my marriage is now being reduced to a cliche.” I slid my mouth down his belly, breathing warmth over the head of his cock and nibbling a little at the head, making him jump.
“I’m not talking about reducing it…” He groaned when my tongue slipped through the already wet slit at the tip. “I’m talking about expanding it.”
“To include another woman?” I went back to nibbling, my teeth raking down his shaft.
“Other people, yes.” His hand lost itself in the dark mass of my hair, pulling me back a little.
I sighed. “I don’t want to see other people.”
“Come on, Ronnie…” His hand massaged my scalp, his eyes tender but questioning. “We’ve been married for almost seven years. You can’t tell me you’ve never been attracted to anyone else? I know you have!” I blinked, trying not to think about the way Hector at work smiled and winked whenever I passed his classroom, how he often showed up in the tiny copy room the same time I did, brushing up against me from behind, his hand cupping the side of my hip, to get a ream of legal paper. So I felt a little twinge when he did, a warmth between my thighs, a tug in my belly. It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t mean-
“Just because I’m attracted to someone doesn’t mean I’m going to act on it.”
TJ’s eyes searched mine, lazily rubbing the head of his cock back and forth against my lower lip. “But why not?”
“Because we made a commitment.” I raked my teeth lightly across the spongy tip and he jumped.
“Don’t be so literal.” He rolled me over, pressing his weight onto me, opening my legs. I acquiesced with a sigh, loving the feel of his hardness rubbing up and down between my slit, but hating his words. “Our commitment is what we say it is…” His lips murmured against the pulse in my throat and I let my fingers brush the fine hairs at the back of his neck, soft as a baby. “I’m not talking about not loving you. I’m talking about sex.”
His words were supposed to reassure me, but I felt my throat constrict.
“So basically, you’re saying I’m not enough for you.”
“No, baby.” He rocked, slow and easy-god, he knew how I loved that, opening me, a slow split, a gentle friction, up and up. “You’re more than enough…”
More reassuring words-but why didn’t I feel reassured? His mouth covered mine, the kiss deep and searching, his tongue slowly drawing me in, drawing me out, teasing me as he rubbed his stiff heat between my thighs. It throbbed there, insistent, making me squirm.
“God, you’re so sweet…” His words were hot against my ear now, his teeth gently biting and tugging at the lobe. “I never want you to think you’re not enough, you’re so very much more than enough…”
His cock found me with a shift of his hips, seeking entrance, and I gasped as he slid forward until he felt resistance, about halfway there. His breath caught and he gave a low moan that went through me like shiver, and still, he didn’t stop talking, telling me… “There’s no other woman like you. I want you and I want to share you, baby. I want the whole world to know how good you are, how sweet, how fucking hot…” He pulled back and plunged forward, so deep I clutched his shoulders, digging my nails in. TJ’s eyes sought mine, dark and full of hunger.
“How fucking mine you are.”
It was true. It had been true from the first time we were face to face like this, much sooner than I had ever planned or anticipated-the rain had soaked us to the skin, but we hardly noticed as we peeled each other’s clothes off and ended up on his living room futon instead of the big, soft bed upstairs in his room.
It wasn’t the tender or gentle or sweet thing I’d imagined-although he was all those things at turns-instead it was mostly heat and friction between us, a desperate need for more, always more with him. I could never get enough.
“Baby, look at me.” I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t refuse him. I met his eyes, feeling the aching throb of his cock somewhere deep inside. “I’m just asking you to think about it.”
I nodded, hating myself for doing it but unable to stop. I clutched him to me, wrapping my legs around his waist, my arms around his neck. My words were whispered, close to his ear. “Do you have someone in mind?” He chuckled, moving now, his hips making easy circles. “Actually, no.” For some reason, those words did reassure me and something in me let go, gave in, my body melting against his. “So this isn’t about wanting to have an affair?”
“I love you, Ronnie.”
I felt that, in every movement, every moment, the way he slipped his arms under my shoulders, pulling me closer, wanting more. He did love me, he did want me-and I was so his.
“I want to get old with you and raise our daughter with you…and maybe fill that sweet belly with some more babies.” His words thrilled me, and I didn’t want
to think about whether or not he knew it, or how much. My belly trembled against his, slick already with our sweat. “I’m not going anywhere.” Still, I wasn’t ready to give in completely. “You just want to be able to sleep with other people.”
“Come here.” He rolled onto his back, taking me with him, sitting me up.
His eyes swept over me and I felt satisfied at the dark look in them as they moved over my breasts, my waist, down to where we were joined, rocking. I couldn’t stop-it felt too good-my hips making faster and faster circles. “I just want us to experiment…shake things up…” He groaned when I squeezed him with my muscles, spreading my legs wide to take him all, belly and balls deep.
“So you’re bored?” I teased, leaning over him and arching my back, showing him my breasts but keeping my nipples just out of reach of his mouth.
“Veronica Mayer!” He didn’t let me tease him long-that was another thing about him I loved so much. He didn’t let me get away with anything. He shoved me off him, making me gasp when he pressed me to the bed on my belly, grabbing my hips and pulling me up to my hands and knees. I was too wet to resist him now and his cock slid in, punishing me with its length, making me gasp and clutch the sheet. “You’re impossible!”
“No, I’m just selfish.” I whispered into the pillow, lifting my hips to feel him in me, deeper, more. “I want this all to myself…”
I was sure he wouldn’t hear me, but TJ chuckled. “Don’t you teach your kindergarteners to share well with others?”
I didn’t respond-I couldn’t. I was beyond the point of talking or even wanting to think. I slid my fingers through my swollen lips, searching past the dark, wet fur toward my clit. TJ sensed my urgency, his hips moving faster-
short, hard strokes that matched the insistent rubbing at my clit, his thighs slapping into mine. I moaned when he grabbed me and pulled me deep into the saddle of his hips, sinking himself as far as he could go.
“God, you know what I love!” He made me want to scream and I buried my face in the pillow, moaning low and loud, hoping Beth wouldn’t hear us.
“That’s right, baby,” he murmured, moving my hand out of the way with his, strumming my clit with his big fingers, back and forth, round and round. “I know everything you like.” He pinched my clit gently between his thumb and forefinger, peeling the hood of skin back and squeezing, just the right amount of pressure, like a pulse, over and over and over…
“Oh fuck!” I felt my orgasm hovering, teasing me, like a pregnant storm cloud waiting for just the right moment to let go with a torrent, a veritable flood.
TJ didn’t stop his tease, jerking my clit now as if it were a tiny little cock, his hips driving into me, pressing me forward on the bed. “Please, please, please!”
“Just imagine it, Ronnie…” He pressed me further, forcing my knees to buckle under his weight. “I could teach her to do all the things you love…” I groaned into the pillow, shaking my head, trying not to imagine it but unable to stop the thoughts as his words flooded over me and his cock found some deep part of me, rubbing there again and again, as if my pussy were some magic lamp and he were searching for an elusive genie.
“Can’t you feel her under you, baby?” Relentless, on and on. “Her tongue buried in your pussy, her cunt spread open for your mouth…” The image was hot-more than hot, it made me burn with a deeper heat than I’d ever known with TJ alone. I wanted more, but I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t have to, though, because he didn’t stop. He kept rubbing and talking and coaxing and crooning, telling me about her pussy and her tongue and her soft, hot body under mine, until I was aching for it, feeling it building low in my belly as I thrashed under him on the bed.
It had been years and years, but the memory came back like it was yesterday, the rich, lush feel of her body, the soft, smooth taste of her flesh. It was Mrs. Baumgartner I was imagining beneath me, with her smooth, tanned thighs, spreading them wide for my tongue. Oh my god, had we really-? I hadn’t forgotten, not really, but I hadn’t thought about it or spoken it of it since Gretchen and I had gone our separate ways.
“Oh Mrs. B,” I whispered, lost in the fantasy, TJ’s cock driving it home with every thrust. I could almost taste her, thick and pungent on my tongue, hear her moaning as I licked her to orgasm after orgasm after… “Oh god, yes, baby, that’s my girl, come for me, come on, do it, do it, come in my mouth!” TJ groaned at my words, his fingers digging deep into my hips. “Oh fuck, Ronnie, oh my god, yesss!”
I want to say it was the feel of him coming, that first, hot spurt of cum, that sent me over the edge-but it wasn’t. It was remembering Mrs. B, the thick, hot lap of her tongue against my clit, and most of all, the feel and taste of her coming in my mouth, how she shuddered and dug her nails into my flesh and pressed her cunt against my face until I couldn’t breathe, and I loved it, oh my god, I couldn’t get enough of her…
“Oh, oh, yes, coming, oh please…” My voice turned small, young, and I lost myself in the memory and the sweet pulse of my orgasm, arching with it on the bed, again and again. Suddenly, I wasn’t a twenty-nine year old kindergarten teacher, mother of a five-year-old, about to celebrate her seventh wedding anniversary-I was a young, naive nineteen-year-old girl having her first experience with the wide open world of sexual pleasure.
I buried my face in pillow, panting and breathless, as TJ slipped out of me and slid off to the side. His belly was wet with sweat as he shifted his hips toward me.
“Wow.” His lips found my hairline, my temple, my ear. “That was something else.”
I didn’t trust myself to answer, but I turned my face toward his. I was afraid of what he might see in my eyes, but I wanted the reassurance I was seeking in his. He gave it to me, too, nothing but love there as his fingers played through my hair.
I knew he was waiting for me to say something, so finally, I did. “I have to admit… thinking about it is kind of hot.”
He grinned. “And if just thinking about it is hot, just imagine…” I flushed, both with the thought and with the memory. I had never told TJ
about what happened with the Baumgartners. Gretchen and I had been over for a year when I met him, and I had chalked it all up to some college experimentation thing. I wasn’t a lesbian, I was sure of that. Yes, okay, I’d been attracted to women over the years, but-
“Ronnie?”
”Hm?” I turned onto my side and spooned up against him, pulling his arm across me, a protection, a barrier. I knew what he was going to ask, even before the words were out, and yet, somehow, they still surprised me.
“Who’s Mrs. B?”
I froze, glad he couldn’t see my face. Well, Lucy, looks like you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do.
I cleared my throat, closed my eyes, my whole body on fire with the memories, and then I started to talk…
* * * *
`The headlights of my Intrepid reflected on the garage door and I turned them off, gathering up my purse and my bag with all my lesson plans. It was such a sweet moment of anticipation, the time between knowing I was home and going into the house where I knew TJ and Beth would be waiting. Knowing the long holiday stretched out ahead of us made it even better, and if it weren’t for staying late to finish cleaning up the classroom and the fact I had a hamster in the backseat, it would be perfection.
I opened the side door and could smell TJ’s spaghetti cooking. It just kept getting better and better! I swept in carrying the hamster cage, complete with hamster, and TJ stood up from the kitchen chair, his eyebrows raised as he moved instinctively to help. “Uh, what’s this?”
I let him take the cage and he looked around for the best place to put it, deciding on the counter. He peered in at a little sleeping ball nearly the color of peach fuzz curled into one corner.
“Taffy, remember?” I began unslinging purses and bags from my shoulder, hanging them over a kitchen chair. “Classroom hamster. Jody Cornwell was supposed to take him home over Christmas break, but he has the chicken pox, and I couldn’t get anyone else’s parent’s permission in time. Poor little guy had to wait in the car while I was visiting with Kathy after work-uh, and what’s this?” I stood staring at the glasses and the wine and looked up at him, pushing my hair out of my face and frowning. He uncorked the bottle and began to pour us each a glass.
“We’re having a dinner guest.” He offered me a glass of wine.
I smiled, my eyes questioning, and shook my head. “You know I don’t like this stuff.”
“Try it,” he said, clinking his glass with mine.
“So do I have to guess who’s coming to dinner?” I lifted the glass to my nose, wrinkling it at the smell.
TJ waited, watching me sip it, surprised as I took my first taste. “It’s good, isn’t it? I’ll give you a hint. It’s not Sidney Poitier.”
“Then who is it?” I took another sip. “This isn’t bad. Fruitier than most of the wine you’ve made me drink.” I winked at him. “But it still tastes like alcohol.”
I sat at the kitchen table, kicking off my heels. As often as I complained about them, I still wore them. TJ liked them, and I liked TJ imagining me standing in front of a classroom of kindergarteners in those heels. I looked up at him, waiting.
TJ took a gulp of his wine. “Gretchen.”
“Who?” I set my glass on the table and stared at him. I knew. Of course I knew, after our conversation last week, what I’d told him about my week in Key West with the Baumgartners and the year that followed. Still, I acted surprised. I was surprised, really. How had he found her?
TJ began talking fast. “It wasn’t hard at all, Ronnie. You could have kept in touch yourself if you wanted to. The Baumgartners still live in the same house, and Gretchen is still their nanny. Well, I imagine it’s more like cook and housekeeper and stuff like that, now that the kids are teenagers. I just called the number in the phone book and asked for Gretchen. It was easy.” Easy. So the Baumgartners lived about twenty miles away from us, in the same house? I tried to imagine them, Doc and Mrs. B. And Janie and Henry, all grown up! My mind refused to wrap around the idea.
TJ took another gulp of wine. “Well, it’s kind of funny how it all fell into place. Mrs. Baumgartner was thrilled to hear from me, and wanted to know all about how you were doing. Apparently, they’re going on their annual trip to Key West over the holidays next week. I think that must be same the trip they took when-”
“You talked to Gretchen?” I stood, taking my glass to the sink.
TJ continued as if he hadn’t heard me. “-when you went with them, the one you told me about? Yeah, I talked to Gretchen. She insisted on seeing you, wanted to call you, talk to you, but I thought… well, I thought it would be better to meet face to face.”
I poured the rest of my wine down the sink, rinsing the glass and setting it on the counter next to the hamster cage. “You thought I’d chicken out and not meet her at all, didn’t you?’”
“Maybe.” He poured himself another glass of wine.
I turned to him, crossing my arms over my chest. “So you just decided to invite her to dinner without talking to me?”
“Honey, she practically invited herself,” he replied, avoiding my eyes and taking another gulp from his glass. “There wasn’t a lot I could do to stop it.”
“TJ…” I sighed. “What did you think? She’d come over and we’d have a threesome on the kitchen table?”
“No.” He laughed, standing up and putting his arms around my waist. “I just thought it would be nice for you to see an old friend.” I rested my head on his chest, putting my arms around him. “I just wish you’d… consulted me?” I lifted my head, suddenly aware of the quiet. “Where’s Beth?”
TJ looked sheepish. “At your mother’s.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh come on! I haven’t seen a setup this obvious since Sidney Poitier showed up for dinner with Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracey.”
“I don’t think they had a threesome… did they?”
I pinched his waist, making him yelp and jump. “You know what I mean.”
“I’m not up to anything. I swear it.” TJ hugged me, kissing the top of my head. “I just thought you two would like to be able to talk about… well, whatever came up. Without having to worry about Miss Big Ears hanging around.”
“Still, you didn’t have to hide it from me,” I said with a sniff. “It feels… icky.”
“I-” I could tell he was about to deny it and he stopped. “I’m sorry. I can call her and cancel. I will if you want me to.”
I raised my eyes to meet his. He was up to something, even if he was pretending he wasn’t. Still, the thought of seeing Gretchen again made my skin tingle and my face feel warm. Did I want to cancel? The truth was, I wanted to see her again. The truth was, now that he’d opened the door, I wanted to see all of them again-Doc, Mrs. B, Janie, Henry. It was like some irresistible Pandora’s Box.
“Let’s just…take things slow,” I said, my voice and eyes soft. “See what happens-” I pressed my cheek against his chest again, shaking my head.
“Okay,” he agreed, hugging my shoulders.
“So, when is she coming?” I pulled away from him and went to retrieve my purse from the chair. “How much time do I have to get ready?”
“Only about half an hour,” he admitted, looking at his watch. “She’s supposed to be here by six.”
“Well, then, I better hustle!” I flashed him a smile as I passed, heading for the stairs, already wondering what I was going to change into.
“Ronnie,” he called, pouring himself another glass of wine. I stopped, watching as he poured another, too, leaving it on the table. “There’s one more thing.”
“What?” I asked as he lifted his glass to the hamster cage.
“Here’s lookin’ at you, Taffy,” he said, drinking it and looking like he was wishing it was a shot of whiskey. Somehow I knew what he was going to say, although my breath caught anyway and my heart hammered at his words. “The Baumgartners have invited us to Key West with them over the holiday break.” He tapped on the glass, trying to look nonchalant, and the hamster yawned, showing its long teeth before turning and snuggling back into the little nest it had made for itself in the cedar.
I didn’t say a word. I couldn’t. I just turned around and went upstairs, wondering just what I was going to do now.
Chapter Two
There wasn’t any preparing myself, even if I told myself there was as I stood in front of the mirror and double-checked my hair and make-up, smoothed the brown silk skirt and tucked in my blouse. I was glad I was upstairs when she rang the doorbell. Just hearing her voice made my hands tremble and I pressed them to my thighs to keep them still as I paused at the top of the stairs.
“So nice to meet you!” Gretchen’s smile was for TJ, but her look was just for me, and I knew it. She took a step toward the stairs, meeting my gaze with hungry eyes. I couldn’t help my smile, even though it felt goofy on my face as I came the rest of the way down.
“Gretchen!” Her name felt familiar in my mouth, even after all this time.
“You cut your hair!”
She laughed, snaking an arm around my neck and pressing her cheek to mine. “All of them-probably several hundred times since you last saw me, sweetie.”
It was a very brief thing, that hug, but I could smell her hair, still white-blonde but cut into a short bob now, making her thin, pale face look fuller. She smelled fresh and sweet, like clover and oranges. How old was she now? I was doing the math in my head and came to the sum of thirty-four. Five years older than I was. There were the faintest lines around her eyes when she smiled, but she was still Gretchen.
“Come on in out of the cold.” TJ shut the front door against the wind and snow, offering to take Gretchen’s coat. Her dress was short, shimmering black in the lamp light as she shrugged her shoulders and let her coat slide off into TJ’s hands. I knew she’d dressed for me, just like I’d dressed for her-and I think she knew it, too, the way her eyes moved over my blouse, unbuttoned into a suggestive V. She still had much more than I did in that department, the black fabric gathered between her breasts showing quite a bit of cleavage. I noticed TJ
noticing as he poured wine and we sat around the kitchen table.
“Oh my god, Ronnie, you look so amazing.” Gretchen smiled a thank you as TJ handed her a glass of wine. “I don’t think you’ve changed at all.”
“You haven’t seen my stretch marks.” I laughed, wrinkling my nose when TJ handed me a glass and setting it aside. “You look the same too-except all your hair is gone!”
“I got too old to get away with it anymore.” She winked, taking a sip and turning appreciative eyes to TJ. “Mmm, this is good!”
“It’s a petite syrah,” TJ said with a nod.
Gretchen raised her eyebrows at him and lifted her little snub nose into the air in a delicate sniff. “And something smells fantastic. ” Her eyes were the same bright green, just as mischievous and not likely to miss a thing. Every time she looked my way, I felt it, like a familiar ache.
I took a long drink of wine and grimaced. “TJ’s famous spaghetti-secret recipe, straight from his grandmother in Sicily.”
“I’m so glad you called.” Gretchen sat up and reached over to touch TJ’s hand. It was brief, just a squeeze, but I noticed her long, manicured nails, painted bright red, an uncharacteristic color for her, and it reminded me sharply of Mrs. B.
She turned her gaze to me again, and there it was, that feeling like someone had just reached their hand into my belly and twisted. “I’ve thought about you so often.”
I held my empty glass out to TJ, who poured with a raised eyebrow. “I’ve thought about you, too.” It wasn’t a lie. When I’d first ended things with Gretchen, I thought about her all the time, and I knew it would drive me insane if it didn’t stop, so I did what I needed to do. Vince, the guy I was dating at the time, was a personal trainer-gorgeous, ripped, he had a brilliantly rational mind but was more than a little OCD-and he taught me how to get rid of Gretchen for good.
I’d put a rubber band around my wrist, and every time my thoughts turned to her, I snapped it-hard. Really, really hard. Sounds silly, but it worked. Between that and the incredibly huge eleven inch cock Vince presented me with to handle at every possible occasion-I’ve never had bigger, before or since-it was enough of a distraction to get me through. But the truth was, while it worked to keep me distracted, it didn’t work all the time. No, not all the time.
Both of TJ’s eyebrows were raised at me now and I tried to change the subject. “So, how are the Baumgartners? What’s everyone up to?”
“Oh Ronnie, you wouldn’t believe how big the kids are!” Gretchen smiled, shaking her head. I nodded, remembering them frozen in time: Janie as a gawky almost-twelve and Henry as a typical nine-year-old boy. Mrs. B had sent me a Christmas card that first year after Gretchen and I broke up, but then I moved, and the mail only got forwarded for so long. I still had that last photo tucked away in a box full of old diaries and journals marked: “Ronnie’s Private: Keep Out.” I remembered Janie’s big front teeth and honey-colored ponytail, Henry’s lopsided smile. Gretchen was still talking. “Janie’s just gorgeous, she’s got boys following her around like puppies. And Henry’s huge, like his dad. You’ll see-you’re coming to Key West with us, aren’t you? Carrie said she invited you…” TJ and I both said “Probably,” and “I don’t know” simultaneously. Gretchen sipped her wine and looked between us, her eyes sharp.
I held my glass out for more wine. “I still can’t think of her as Carrie. To me, she’ll always be Mrs. B.”
TJ poured me half a glass and then got up to check the sauce. I watched him stirring it, feeling warm and flushed and buzzed from way too much wine for me in too short a time. I noticed Gretchen watching him, too, and felt a twinge of something-jealousy?
“So how are Mr. and Mrs. B?” I asked Gretchen as TJ came to the table with a bowl full of spaghetti.
“Doc’s practice is going gangbusters, as always.” Gretchen held her plate out as TJ started to serve dinner. “With that bedside manner, though, go figure, right?” She winked at me and I smiled, remembering Doc’s easygoing teasing, but mostly I remembered his eyes and the way they would follow me around a room wherever I went, as if he could see right through me. It suddenly occurred to me, as TJ sat down, that he and Doc shared a great deal in common when it came to looks and temperament. Funny how I’d never thought of it before.
“Carrie’s real estate business hasn’t done as well recently,” Gretchen sighed. “The market is so bad right now. It’s one of the reasons… well… things are changing for the Baumgartners. And me, too. Kids don’t stay kids-can’t be a nanny forever.”
I nodded, feeling TJ’s knees touch mine under the table as he sat and I gave him a smile. “Still, Gretch, you’ve been with them a long time.”
“I couldn’t turn down the money they offered, Ronnie.” She shrugged, twirling noodles on her plate. “And, you know… all the fringe benefits.” That hung there, and I wondered if TJ understood as well as I did what she meant. It wasn’t just the trips to Key West and Aspen and the New England Sound. There was so much more to working for Mr. and Mrs. B…
TJ cleared his throat, his eyes moving between us. “So why did you two break up?”
“TJ!” I nudged him under the table, my eyes wide.
“I’m curious…” He shrugged. “Are we not supposed to talk about it?”
“I don’t mind.” Gretchen smiled, but her eyes were pained, and I looked down at my plate, spearing a mushroom. “Ronnie found a boyfriend.”
“The guy I dated before I met you,” I explained, wondering if Vince even remembered my name anymore.
“You know how we girls have a tendency to abandon our girlfriends when a guy shows up,” Gretchen teased. I wanted to say something, but the wine made my head feel fuzzy, as if it were too full.
“What about you, Gretchen?” TJ asked. “Did you find a girlfriend?”
“Or a boyfriend?” I chimed in, feeling desperate.
“Oh several.” Gretchen winked at TJ but the look she gave me was full of a meaning I didn’t understand. “Nothing lasting, though. I could afford to be picky, living with the Baumgartners.”
I tried to imagine what it might have been like, if Gretchen and I had never broken up. Would she have stayed their nanny, then, I wondered? Would we all have been one big, happy family? The thought filled me with a mixture of longing, regret, and a deeper feeling I didn’t even recognize at first-anger.
“This is the best spaghetti I’ve ever tasted.” Gretchen’s compliment made TJ blush and I smiled.
“He’s a much better cook than I am.”
“Like Doc?” Gretchen winked.
“Better.” I touched my knee to TJ’s under the table and he looked up at me, his eyes tender. “Although I admit, Doc could make a hell of a sandwich.”
“Mmm god yes.” Gretchen’s tone changed and she gave a low, throaty moan that reminded me immediately what it was like between us. Her eyes met mine and they said it all. “He still can.”
The double entendre didn’t escape any of us. I couldn’t help but remember-not only the night Doc and I snuck downstairs to make sandwiches and, while Mrs. B slept upstairs, he fucked me on the kitchen counter, but also there was the clear memory of being sandwiched between Doc and Mrs. B in more positions than I had ever imagined.
Gretchen’s hand found my knee under the table and squeezed. She leaned forward, eager, earnest. “You are coming aren’t you?”
I shrugged, not looking up. “I don’t know, Gretch…”
“Oh, Ronnie, you have to come,” she pleaded with both voice and eyes.
“This is the last summer we’re all going together. Henry’s graduating this year, and I’m… well… things are changing. It would be so good, like old times.” I glanced at TJ. “I’ve never really left our daughter for so long…”
“She loves staying with your mother.” He shrugged, no help at all. I knew what he wanted, what he hoped.
“You could always bring her…?” Gretchen suggested.
“No. Out of the question.” I shook my head, adamant, and they both looked at me, surprised. I shrugged. “And really, I think two weeks is a long time to be gone…”
“I could stay here with her for a week,” TJ offered. “Let you go out there for a week, and then fly out to meet you for the second…” Gretchen brightened. “What a great idea.”
“TJ…” I gave him a warning look but he ignored it.
“Something to think about…” He shrugged, filling my wine glass. I looked at it, already feeling way too buzzed to make any real decisions.
“You only live once,” Gretchen prodded. Her hand moved over my knee under the table still, edging along the silk edge of my skirt. “We’ve all missed you, Ronnie.”
I stood up, carrying my plate to the sink, murmuring. “Let me think about it.”
I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to think about anything. The wine had made me sleepy and way too relaxed, and when Gretchen curled up on the couch beside me and put her head in my lap just like she used to, I didn’t say a word. TJ sat in the chair across from us, watching, listening to us talk-
reminisce, really. It was as if someone had hit “pause” on the tape and had now pushed “play.” We just picked up where we left off, soft voices. low laughs, inside jokes, our fingers twined together.
When Gretchen yawned, stretched and sat up, saying she had to get back, it was very late, and I didn’t want her to go. TJ helped her on with her coat and her kiss goodbye was a little longer and too lingering to be called just friendly. She gave TJ a hug and thanked him again for calling. I knew it was coming and had planned my even, measured response to it, but when she said the words, mine wouldn’t come.
“We’re flying out Monday.” She squeezed my hands in hers, swinging them, and it made me feel like a little girl. “Doc says just give him the word and he’ll book your tickets.”
“I-“ They weren’t there, those words I’d planned, the polite refusal, the kind turn-down. It wasn’t just that I couldn’t say them-it was as if they didn’t exist anymore. “I’ll let you know.”
“Please.” She leaned in and kissed my cheek, her lips brushing the corner of my mouth, making me shiver. “Please come.”
With that, she was gone.
TJ closed the door, calling for her to be careful on the snowy stairs and then turned to me. “What do you think?”
I plopped down on the couch, still warm from where Gretchen and I had been cuddled together. “I think I’m in over my head.”
“Time to grow gills?” He sat beside me and took my hand.
“TJ…” I sighed, not looking at him.
“It’s sort of a once in a lifetime thing, isn’t it?”
“Well, in my case, apparently…twice?”
He grinned, leaning in to kiss my cheek. “Lucky you.”
“Yeah.” I sighed. “Lucky me…”
* * * * *
I knew I was really going to go through with it when I decided to shave everything down there. Honestly, I think I knew the moment I saw Gretchen again, but shaving was a symbolic act, a physical representation of a so-far ethereal decision. Doc had paid for our tickets, plans had been made, but it didn’t feel real until I put a towel up on the bathroom counter that morning and handed TJ a razor.
“Everything?” He was used to trimming me, shaving the sides into a neat little landing strip, but I hadn’t gone completely bare since that summer in Key West.
“Everything,” I agreed, spreading my legs and leaning back against the mirror, hoping he wouldn’t see the way my thighs were trembling or how wet I was already in anticipation.
The razor moved slowly, carefully, up one side and then the other, stripping me of a clear remnant of womanhood. It felt like turning back the clock in some ways, going back to that time when I was so young, so unknowing, so eager to learn. Still, there were things I couldn’t un-know, experiences that had changed me forever. My body had changed, my hips fuller, my breasts, too, after nursing Beth for two years. I had stretch marks on my lower belly, now, soft plaits the remnant of my pregnancy. I knew there was no going back, even as I let him strip me bare in hopes that there somehow was.
“So smooth.” TJ’s fingers rubbed over my vulva, his eyes eating me up, hungry, and I wanted more than just his gaze. I would be on a plane in less than five hours-I’d insisted on a separate flight, wanting them all to have a chance to settle in for a day before I showed up-reunited with three people who, for that one glorious week that summer, had been my lovers, my teachers, my mentors. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what might happen, but my body was strung tight, like a bow pulled taut, waiting to shoot some fated arrow.
“I’m going to miss you.” I ran my fingers through his hair as he knelt and wiped me down with a washcloth, smoothing away any stray hairs. I could see my own clit when I looked down, my lips swollen and parted. It peeked up, as if asking to be touched, and the air felt cool and intrusive, a sensory overload.
“It’s only a week.” He kissed my thigh, his eyes still focused between my legs. Exposed, my pussy felt ornamental now, a showpiece, something I couldn’t hide. It excited me.
“Anything can happen in a week.” I gasped when his tongue flicked against my clit, quick, snake-like, a tease.
“Anything you want.” He looked up at me, his big hands pressing my thighs open, keeping them there.
“Anything?” I raised my eyebrows at his carte blanche. We’d talked about it over the weekend, all the endless possibilities. I’d changed my mind a hundred times about going at all. We talked about setting ground rules, dismissed it and decided to play it by ear, only to come back to the idea of rules again. Everything felt uncertain, precarious, and it was both exciting and scary. We were on the verge anyway, with everything-his job was taking him to New York this summer, and I had just found a position in a private school out there. I didn’t know what I was going to do with Beth. We didn’t know anyone out there. I didn’t know what I was going to do, and this vacation seemed like a push off a cliff I was already teetering over…
“I want you to have a good time.” His breath moved against my pussy, warming me, making me tremble. “I want that most of all.”
“Oh Teej…” It was my pet name for him, as if you could shorten his name or initials any more, yet I had found a way. I wanted to say something, to make everything good and right and perfect, but I didn’t know the words, so I just pressed him to me, kissing his mouth with my pussy. He groaned, burying his face there, pushing my legs back, trying to get more.
“Oh god.” I whispered the words, just letting him take what he wanted, what I wanted, what we both wanted-my pleasure. Still, after all this time, there was no one who could take me like TJ did, and I whimpered under his tongue, groaning as his fingers slid into me, seeking heat. There was no barrier to his mouth now, my lips parted for him, my clit seeming to tilt toward him. He flicked it, lapped at it, split me with both fingers and tongue, both of them meeting in the middle and then trading places, his fingers circling my clit, his tongue slipping down into my hole.
“Ahhhhhh god!” I cried as he began to fuck me with his tongue, his finger making quick work of my clit, back and forth, so fast it felt constant. There was no resisting him. My body knew what it wanted and he took it, shoving his tongue deep into my pussy as he made me come with his fingers rubbing my clit. The muscles in my cunt squeezed at him, sucking his tongue deeper, like a hungry, eager kiss as I came, my whole body shaking, my nipples hardening in surprise at the sudden sensation.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” he murmured against my flesh, standing between my legs and rubbing his whole hand over my mound, making me let out a moan halfway between pleasure and pain. He was wearing boxers and his cock tented them nicely. There was a small wet spot around the head and I reached out to touch it with the tip of my finger.
“You want that, baby?”
I nodded, watching as he slid his shorts down, letting his cock spring free
It extended thickly against my thigh as he leaned in and kissed me. I could taste myself on his tongue and it reminded me of Gretchen and Mrs. B-the amazing, unmistakable, thick, pungent taste of pussy-and TJ seemed to know it.
“You like that?” He whispered the words as he slid his cock between my legs, nudging them further open. “The sweet taste of cunt in your mouth?” I nodded against his shoulder, reaching down to grasp him, tugging hard.
He gasped as I slipped the head of his cock up and down the now-smooth lips of my pussy, his eyes closing, his head going forward to my chest, clearly lost in the sensation. I tickled my clit with him for a moment before tilting my hips and sliding him into position.
“You like that sweet shaved little pussy?” I whispered as he shifted forward, sliding in. He groaned in response, arching, searching for more. I wrapped my legs around his waist, digging my heels into his behind and pulling him deeper. He shuddered, gripping my thighs and then shifting his hands up toward my pussy, sliding slowly out.
“God, that’s beautiful.” I could see him, too, thick and red, pulling back and back until just the head was inside of me. He massaged the smooth lips of my vulva with his thumbs, his eyes full of lust.
“Smooth as a baby,” I murmured, wiggling against him. “Like some sweet young thing with the tightest little cunt you’ve ever been in.” His eyes brightened at my words and I squeezed the head of his cock with my muscles, telling him I wanted more of him. He pressed forward, using his now-wet thumbs to rub my nipples, making me moan.
“God that’s good.” He rolled his hips into me again and again, watching his progress, in and out of my wetness. The sound of our bodies meeting, flesh against flesh, echoed against the wet tile and I leaned back on my elbows, fingering my own nipples as he fucked me, letting him do all the work. His thumbs eased my lips apart again, nudging my clit back and forth between them.
I looked up at his face, his eyes, the way he stared between my legs and my completely bald cunt.
“Would you like to see her fuck me like this?” I whispered, squeezing him between my thighs. He gasped, his eyes flying up to meet mine, and his reaction spurred me on. “See her strap on a dildo and get between my legs like this and fuck my bare little pussy?”
I knew he was imagining Gretchen-and god knows we’d played with enough toys between the two of us-but I had Mrs. B and her big black dildo in my head, her red nails digging into my thighs, raking over my hips. The image made me crazy with lust.
“She could fuck me while she sucked you off,” I whispered urgently, squirming under him, getting into the fantasy. “Would you like that, baby?”
“Nnnnnnnnngggg!” His fingers gripped my hips, just where I knew Mrs. B
would hold onto me, guide me as she fucked me nice and hard with that thick dildo. TJ’s words were just gone, his eyes and movements wild, driving hard into me, and I was getting lost, too.
“Fuck her mouth while she fucks my pussy, TJ!” I moaned, shoving my hips into his, closing my eyes. I could see her, all that honey-colored hair and those full, tanned breasts swaying as she fucked me, oh god, she was so beautiful on me, in me, all over me, I could smell her, taste her-I wanted her.
“Ohhhhhhh baby, I’m gonna-“ I was coming, imagining TJ’s cock was Mrs. B’s dildo filling me, fucking me, taking me there as she slurped and sucked on him, making all those sweet Mrs. B noises that sounded like some little song, the sweet little blowjob hum she always did and I remembered so well.
“Ohhhhh fuckkkkk!” TJ grabbed me by the hair, making me gasp as he pulled me down onto the bathroom floor to my knees and shoving his cock between my lips. I knew he’d been imagining it, too-although I’m sure it was Gretchen’s mouth and throat he was fucking, her big green eyes wide as she tried to swallow his length, her short blonde hair he was holding as he began to come, thick, hot jets of it over her waiting little tongue.
“Take it, take it, take it, take it,” he whispered over and over, and I took it all, like a good girl, swallowing and swallowing, looking up at his face twisted in pleasure as he shuddered and panted against me. I didn’t realize until later that I’d been making that same little humming noise in my throat that I remembered Mrs. B always did.
“Oh baby, come here,” he murmured, gathering me up, sitting me on the counter again on the towel and pulling me close. My pussy felt juicy and swollen beneath me, exposed and vulnerable, and I remembered the feeling well from the very first time I’d shaved-when Mrs. B had shaved me and made me come that day with the shower massage, my body’s betrayal.
He pushed my hair out of my face and kissed my cheeks, my lips, cupping my face in his hands. “I love you, Veronica. No matter what happens, I love you,
and I’m never, ever going to leave you.” I held onto him and felt it for the first time. It was not just reassuring, but real. I knew it was true, and it was enough.
It would have to be.