The thorns which often picks us most
Are found 'moung sweetest flowers.
Friend Clara:
An incident in my boyish life tonight passes before me in all the tinting of a panoramic view; and as my thoughts run back over the checkered pathway of forty years, which has sprinkled my hair with gray, filled my life with thorns and orange blossoms, to a month that has left its imprint on my whole life, I wish that I possessed the power to reproduce the picture in all its colors and do justice to the work which, at your request, I undertake to-night. I regret that the favor you ask is one which compels me to write of myself. To a modest man, lacking that phrenological enlargement that as a rule in men and women predominates to such a lamentable degree, the position is embarrassing; and in the perusal of this I trust your eye will rest on this unpleasant character as little as possible.
I was born neath a warm sun and southern skies, where the air was freighted with blended odor of the magnolia and jasmine that heightened the senses; where everything had its bud and blossom almost at its birth; where the dreamy languor of the voluptuary seemed inherent in all, where even in those which here in the North would be termed children, the sexual spark only waited for contact to flame up in its power; where girls where mothers at thirteen and grandmas at thirty; but up to my eleventh year I had known only books and sketching; a sweet-tempered, linen-dressed boy, who lived out of the sunshine and ignored the innocent deviltries of youth; who looked upon girls as horrid; whose life was rounded by a pony, books, pictures, and the flowers in the conservatory. But changes for good or evil take place in every life. It came to mine; and on that sweet-sighing summer day in my twelfth year, when Cupid threw apart the silken curtains, revealing beauties of which I had not even dreamed, my hand lost its cunning; to books I said farewell and ambition was dead. That was a day of fate. How bitterly have I cursed it since; how cursed her, who snatched me from my little heaven with its delightful anticipations and chaperoned me through the hot-house of passion; where every beautiful flower was filled with a subtle poison which raked the nerves, sapped the life, and deadened the brain. My introduction to the pleasures and mysteries that have ever been associated with the couch of love — the keen relish for which has blasted the family hearthstone and overthrown empires — was not entrusted to a novice; no timid simpering girl, taking her first steps toward the realization of the anticipation of forbidden pleasures, but to a woman; a woman of thirty, who being an apt pupil under the skillful manipulations and teachings of a husband for a term of years, had herself become a preceptor in all those delicate points that surrounded and amour with such delights and rosy tints. how plainly do I see her to-night! How much keener my appreciation of the wonderful piece of anatomy that time only still deeper imprints upon my memory; the standard, by which from that time all female perfections and loveliness has been gauged. Ah! She is before me again, and this time unveiled. Look at her! Is she not beautiful? Note the poise of her head, from which her glinted, golden hair falls in such a wealth. See those amber eyes; those wonderfully chiseled lips, so red, pulpy, and moist; her fair cheeks tinted by their reflection. Her shoulders — how perfectly and exquisitely molded — rounded with the same finish of her beautiful swelling globes, so daintily pinked and tipped. What belly, back and hips ever had the graceful curves of thine? And you! Rounded arms, white swelling thighs, and full-dimpled knees (in your warm, fond pressure of years ago I feel you again to-night) was the mold broken with your completion?
Gone? Yes! Only in memory now
We all of things
For the first time taste;
Whether sorrow, pain, or bliss.
The house on the sound, t hose with whom I lived had taken for the summer months, was very small, only large enough for three and the servant, but it was delightfully situated in a perfect Eden; where all was soft air, perfumes, flowers, and singing birds; and as I recall it now, just the spot for lovers and the complete enjoyment of stolen sweets. One day a carriage rolled up the gravel walk to the door. A beautiful woman was handed out and everything tended to show that we had an unexpected guest. As I stood there with my black, long, curling hair neath a broad palmetto hat, dressed in white pantaloons and a green jacket with brass buttons, my face reddened with the suns rays on the water, she stooped down and kissed me very tenderly many times; and as I remember now they produced a very different sensation from any kisses I had ever known before — I like them; but I did not know why it was that I hung around her all day and thought her so nice. After she had visited all the forenoon in the house, during which time I had learned that she was the wife of a gentleman who was a friend of my father, but who had gone to California for his health — I am willing to gamble ten now that he had consumption — she took my hand and we went for a stroll around the place, along the beach and up into the lovely woods, with its tangled grasses and wild flowers. What to me then was all that snowy linen; those beautiful ruffled skirts, as she pulled them up to step over some stick or bramble — she did not seem to care how high — revealed that even a cigar-store Indian would lose his head at the sight of them. Ah! how many thousands have longed to live over again the first part of a life with the knowledge they had acquired in the last. Could this happen to me, what a different color the picture of which I am writing would have.
In a dense shade, where the hot sun could not penetrate, we sat down on a log; and after she had taken off my hat and ran her dainty white hands through my hair, she placed my head in her lap and, pulling me close to her panting bosom, she placed her pretty lips on mine and hel them there with her eyes shut until sometimes I stifled and almost lost my breath; then she would take her lips away while her eyes sparkled and her cheeks reddened clear to her hair. There was something about it that I liked, for I would ask her to do it again; a; and she, exclaiming "bless my little man," would press me to her lips again and kiss me until my lips and face were all wet from her lips. Each attack and each pressure seemed to create for me some new and delightful sensation I had not known before; and then, where my little pantaloons buttoned in front, I had a pain, and a great hard lump that hurt me; and in my innocence I told her about it. "Let me see," she said kindly; one of her hands, that had so many pretty rings on her fingers, stole down and unbuttoned my pants; and then, what I had never seen more than two inches long and soft as a baby's flesh, was standing out full five inches and terribly swollen. I was awfully frightened at the sight and the pain, but she took it in her hand, telling me "it was no matter," and I seemed to get better right away.
Then she kissed it four or five times and bit it gently; after which she put it back and buttoned my pantaloons again.
I wanted her to hold it some more, but she said "no," that we must go back; and before we reached the house she made me promise on my life that I would never tell what she had done or should choose to do. I would have done anything for her, for I tell you she had made a willing slave of me in the few hours that had passed following her arrival.
During the time between tea and the hour for retiring, and while she was in conversation with the older one, I hung about her knees playing with her beautiful hands and looking into her wonderful eyes; but I soon felt that I was not as much to her as I had been when out in the woods; and signifying my determination to retire I was informed at the foot of the stairs that I was to sleep across the bed at the foot.
I took off my clothes, then my regular evening sponge off, put on my little short night shirt, and then turning back the coverlet very carefully, as per last instructions, placed me a pillow and crept in. I lay for some time thinking of my afternoon's experience, and the strange and delightful sensations that had been awakened by my newly found acquaintance; but I could not solve the problem; and, while wishing that night would be very short so that when day came she would take me walking again, I fell asleep.
I do not know how long I slept, but I seemed to be dreaming that some one was tickling one of my ribs; and I awoke only to find that I had a bedfellow, and that it was a pretty pair of feet that had been playing with me. I was wide awake in a instant, and had them in my hands. How soft they were. Gradually my hand stole higher up than her feet; up her limbs, so round and smooth, but I did not know why I did it unless they were soft and felt so warm The moon was shining brightly through the window and the room was as light as day. I turned over and there was her pretty face and those great eyes looking at me.
"Come up and I will take you in my arms," she whispered, and I was less than a second getting there.
Oh! How she hugged and kissed me, and how nice her plump bare arms felt to my face and neck.
Then she carelessly unfastened her chemise and I saw what I had never seen before in that way — two beautiful bosoms at once. How pretty they looked, so white and so round, in the soft moonlight. She rubbed them, panting and heaving, over my face and lips, and then whispered to me to "bite them;" and as my lips fastened over the little hard tips her breath almost burned my face and I felt a new joy that I had not learned in the woods, and realized that I was swelling again as I had the afternoon the day before.
Then I felt one of her warm hands teal down and take it, while the other she took my hand and rubbed it up and down on the big part of her soft legs; and then to the softest, prettiest thing I had ever felt in my young life, where she left it.
Oh, what a plaything I had found; so soft, curly and juicy; and as my finger found a delicate opening she jumped as though I had hurt her. Then I felt her open her legs wide apart, after which she whispered to me to get in there and lie on top of her, which I did; and, as she pulled my little shirt up, I felt my bare belly fitting close to hers and that her chemise was clear up to her arms. Then she kissed me and hugged me again; I thought that she would break me in two; and, whispering to me to do just as she told me, she reached down and took the little fellow that was killing me with pain and placed it where I had my finger when I thought I had hurt her. "Now you make it go in," she whispered, and she raised her body clear from the bed with my weight on her, and when she settled back it was in; and she gave a great sigh as I had heard people do who were in trouble. Then she squeezed me and bit me, and seemed to be trying to rock me in a new kind of cradle; then, taking me by my hips, she would push me off and pull me back, never letting that little fellow get out of the nest where she had placed him; and while I felt a tingling sensation in my fingers and toes and up and down my back, she would roll her head on the pillow from side to side, saying "oh! oh! oh!" I whispered to her that I thought I'd have to get up to "pepe," but she said "no," and putting a towel under her hips, she suddenly locked her legs over my back, then, bending her back high from the bed, she panted and held me so for a second, trying to reach my lips; but I was too short — then I lost my senses and everything got green, and I felt that I was bleeding in and all over the pretty little plaything on which I had been laying for ten minutes. Her legs and arms unloosed and I rolled off from her shaking like a leaf; but she kissed me and whispered that I would feel better in a few minutes, and I did. Then she got up carefully and taking the towel she went to the washstand and did something I did not know what (then), and coming back to the bed she took me in her arms, telling me that I must never tell; and asking me if it wasn't awful nice, she kissed me a few times, made me kiss her, and with my head on her pretty bosom we fell asleep.
"Wasn't it awful nice?" Well I should say that it was; the little heaven I had created had all been knocked into a cocked hat by the one she had created for me. I smile when I think of my innocence — smile when I reflect what a public benefactor I was at that tender age.
The next morning, after a kiss, a look at the pretty bosom and white bare arms, I received my instructions as to how I should act; and putting on my clothes went down stairs, kicking gently for having to sleep across the bed.
She was a lady of culture and refinement; saw things to be done, and did them with a will; could prepare the choicest of pastries, and, by her winning way, was soon a welcome guest at our cottage on the beach. But who dreamed of the bond — those most intimate of relations — that had so suddenly been established between us?
Breakfast over (at which she was asked the usual questions as to how she had rested, and if I had made her any trouble, etc., all which received the proper replies), I took her out in my boat in the cool of the morning for a ride; and more than once I caught sight of her pretty legs peeping out from under her snowy drapery, that had suddenly grown to have significance with me. She sang to me out on the water, while I rowed and watched what little of her limbs were in sight. But I had a strange desire for one of my age, to see more, and as I said "Mrs. B-, you have such pretty legs, would you let me see them higher up?" she said, "Why certainly, my little man, I will do anything for you," and reaching down, she gathered her dress, skirts and ruffles and held them clear up over her face.
Gods! What a picture — the tight-fitting stockings, the blue garters above her knees, and the white bare thighs! Then the skirts went down again; but the picture was left in my mind.
In the afternoon we strolled out in the woods and sat in the same place of the day before, when she sang to me and told me stories. She was silent for awhile, and then turning to me she said: "My little man — for you are a man — what we did last night is what those do who get married.
My husband is sick, and for nearly a year he has been gone for his health; and for months I have been almost dying for the pleasure your little hips and your little body gave me last night," and drawing me to her, she kissed me rapidly. I felt very proud of myself after what she said, and immediately asked her if I might do it again when she came to bed; and with a smile she kissed me and said she "would see about it."
She knew the power her beautiful legs had wrought upon me, and on the way back revealed them with every opportunity; and when I asked her if I might put my hand on that little beauty spot, she said "yes, but be quick," and I was; but I did and she liked it as well as I; and reaching down and putting my hand up under her rattling skirts to the mossy charm created the same intense thrill that has characterized the same attempt in all my later years.
Before we reached the cottage, she charged me to be sure and eat a hearty supper, and to always eat plenty of meat and eggs and to drink milk.
Ah! How well I know now why she was so careful in looking after my diet. Meat, eggs and milk! oh, yes, I think I have followed those instructions every day from that time — from then until now, thirty long years with their lights and shades.
After tea was over I, for the first time in my life, experienced a high degree of restlessness and impatience. What was it that I wanted? I got out my drawings; they had grown dull and stupid. I turned to my books, but they were unsatisfying; and bidding all good-night, I went to bed, but not to sleep. 'Twas she and only she. In the bed, with its tender memories of the night before, I grew even worse; tossing and longing — the moments streaching into hours, while I waited for her coming:
How my heart beat when at last I heard her footsteps on the stairs! As she came in I feigned sleep, and bending over me she kissed me with her hot lips, and I was happy. then she went to the mirror and began taking down her beautiful hair which, loosened, fell below her hips. After she had unhooked her dress and taken it off, she unfastened her skirts and stepped out of them, and, taking off her corset, she stood before me in her short ruffled chemise, while she toiled and coiled up her lovely hair.
How beautiful and fascinating she was as she stepped about here and there; and as she stooped to pick up this and that from the floor, I peeped under her little shirt and saw the white bare thighs that I had seen in the boat — that had held me so tightly the night before. Then she sat down and unlaced her shoes, and drawing the stockings from her beautiful legs stood up again.
"I like you, I said to her in a low tone, as she stepped to the bed, whispering, "you little rascal, have you been awake all this time watching me?" I inclined my head, and putting my arms around her neck whispered that I had been waiting so long for her to come, and that I thought she was so nice and pretty.
"Bless your heart," she replied, "do you think so?"
I answered "yes," and asked her if she wouldn't please take all off, and, looking at me a second, she shrugged her lovely shoulders and the chemise slipped down to her feet; then I saw her all at once from her full neck to her toes — saw what I had longed to see — that little beauty with golden hair which had almost killed me with joy the night before.
"Now are you satisfied?" she asked, and she bent over me while her bosom rested on my face; and as I put my hands on them as though to keep them, she put on her chemise — then took it off again — and putting out the light, came to bed.
I was less than a moment getting by her side and she was less in getting me in her arms. I knew now what she wanted; what I wanted; the ice had been broken, I was an apt pupil, and the secret fire of my youth had burst forth in all its fury. I bit her arms, her belly, her legs; bit and sucked her rosy nipples; kissed her from head to foot; tickled her little beauty with golden curls; got onto and off from her; put my head between her fat, hot thighs which pressed it until I thought it would split; sported from knees to lips in a wild delirium of new found ecstacy, her breath burning my cheeks as I rested a moment with my head on her heating bubbies. Then, holding me tightly, she put a sudden stop to my gambols, and sliding her hand down to my little friend, who had attained his majority — and was no slouch for twelve years I assure you — he put me on my back and bending over me she nibbled him gently with her red damp lips; and then, falling on her back, she lifted me, as though with iron force, above her and opening her quivering thighs let me down gently, saying "all ready," and taking in her hand the pet who was eager for his duty, she gently parted the golden hairs, and having fitted him, locked her arms around my body, and raising her buttocks from the bed I pressed gently down and she fell back with a smile and glowing cheeks. The motion she had produced in her way the night before, I now felt that I could perform without assistance, and as I did so, she tried to kiss me, and whispered "that's right," her voice fluttering so that I thought she was choking. I had found the secret of her pleasure and her's was mine; and as I alternately tickled her, briskly, then gently, I remember a suppressed fluttering moan which I now know was the acme of bliss. But I grew tired and fell where I lay; yet linked together the bliss went on in a delicious throbbing that can never be told. Soon she gasped "more! more!" and I, loving her so strongly that I would do anything for her, began again the gentle movement.
She whispered to me, but I was getting deaf and blind with rapture, and then I whispered to her that it was coming; she straightened her snowy legs, drew them together, threw her belly up against mine, loosened her arms, quivered from head to foot, gasped "now then!" and, as a thick mist gathered in my eyes, I felt the hot stream go from me to her and all was over.
"Oh, you sweet boy," she said, as she pulled me up to her lips, covering me with kisses and biting my neck, "you don't know how happy you have made me to-night, how you have satisfied my restless, burning fever," and getting up she went to the washstand, where she remained a moment or two, then, putting on her chemise, she came back to bed, and taking me in her arms I fell asleep while she was smoothing my hair.
On the following morning I awoke as bright as a dollar and happy as a lark, and after raising and peeping under the thin cover, through which the sun was shinning, lighting her beautiful, velvety skin with a rosy tint, I ran my hand all over her beauties here and there, petted the little flaxen-haired darling, crawled up to her bubbies, and nibbled there awhile, and then with her morning kiss on my lips I went down stairs and out to see my pony that for two days had seen less of me than he had at any time since the day he was given to me as a reward for my diligent course in school.
How many times since the days which I am recalling have I thought of that little cottage and wondered if fate had ordained that my room should be above the close curtained parlor that was seldom used, and never after the sun was down.
Ah! wise heads, I would that your confidence in the innocence of your boy had been less strong, then the seeds of an engrossing passion which have ripened and borne fruit these long years would never have been sown.
How long it seemed to me before she came down to breakfast. I could think of nothing but her and the many beauties she had unveiled to my young eyes and vivid senses; my only thought to feel her kisses and dally with the pretty charms concealed beneath her whites of skirts and pretty embroideries. But she came and I was happy.
That day she complained of headache and we neither went boating or walking but remained at the house all day, and when she came to bed she took me in her arms but did not kiss me much, and told me that I must go to sleep and not think of that as she was feeling badly. her words cast a gloom over my young life, but I did as I was told and born my grief in silence. On the following day she was well again and in her usual happy mood.
We bless that which antipodes pain
And sunshine is sweetest after rain.
After dinner, the sun being behind the clouds and not too warm, we went down to the boat for a ride. She talked to me while I rowed and kept my eyes on hers, and observing that once in a while my eyes glanced toward her little feet she seemed to know by intuition what was in my thoughts, and up went all that hid what I longed to see. The sight sent the blood to my white face, and as she put down her skirts she looked at me and smiling said: "My little sweetheart, if you will row to some nice, quiet, little spot where no one goes and we can be alone you can lie between the legs you think so pretty and like so much." I was a little tired of the oars, but at her words I grew suddenly strong, and being near a long strip of land that ran out into the sound I pulled up to the point and we got out and had walked but a few steps when we came to a nice little grass plot on which we sat down after she had spread out a light shawl that I had observed on her arm as we went down to the boat.