The same writer goes on to observe that many homosexuals lack confidence in their relations with the opposite sex. “His fear that he might not be able to satisfy a woman sexually accounts for some of his inhibitions. Obsessed with the idea that he was regarded as a ‘sissy,' becomes obsessed with the idea that he would probably disappoint a girl sexually. To avoid any acute frustration in this regard he protects himself by trying not to think of ‘nice’ girls in a sexual way… (Ibid., p. 126.) Everything about Freddie suggests that he felt distinctly inferior toward women. He pointed out that he had had relatively little sexual experience at the time he met the woman he married. This revelation suggests a disinclination to get involved with the opposite sex, perhaps due to doubts of his ability to satisfy their sexual desires. As a child, his interest in art-notoriously an “unmanly” interest in our society-would have operated to further this sense of inferiority and unmanliness. Once he discovered that his wife was interested in him less for his own sake than for what she could make out of him, this old feeling of weakness would have been strongly reinforced.
Thus our subject’s early experiences with mutual masturbation and his unsatisfactory relations with the opposite sex would seem to explain his readiness to convert to the homosexual way of life. His wife’s scornful attitude toward homosexuals, as expressed in her contemptuous dismissal as an “old faggot” of the man Freddie held up as an example of a truly knowledgeable art critic, would have aided him in his decision. By becoming something she detested, a homosexual, he would in a way be striking back at her. – As we shall see later, Freddie soon lost his interest in fellating other men and became exclusively anal centered. He had no interest at all in sodomizing other men; his desire was to be sodomized. Ordinarily this desire suggests a subconscious wish, or a conscious one, to be a woman rather than a man. By offering himself as a receptacle for the lover’s phallus, the passive sodomite can play the woman’s role in sexual intercourse and thus feed his own fantasies. In many cases, such desires also express themselves in transvestitism, or the wearing of the clothes appropriate to the opposite sex.
Freddie displayed none of this characteristic. In appearance and conversation be gave the impression of solid masculinity, though this appearance was quite deceiving. This is not surprising, since “a certain number of men who appear muscular, athletic, and manly in every respect are actually enthusiastic homosexuals. Some of those over muscled young men whose pictures adorn the physical culture magazines are only interested in the endowments -of other young men. Obviously they have enough male sex hormones.” (Reuben, Everything You At ways Wanted To Know About Sex, p. 130.) Thus there is no correlation between the way a male homosexual looks and the way he prefers to have his sexual pleasure.
“Herb, the guy I'd sucked off at that party, didn’t waste much time in getting me tied into the gay world. We met at a couple more of those sex parties. He wasn’t one hundred percent gay. He’d ball girls just enough so that nobody accused him of being overly gay. At each of these parties I went down on him again. Really, it was far more satisfying to suck him than it had ever been to fuck a girl, especially Ellen. I was completely soured on her by this time and I knew that everything in our marriage had simply been a gigantic hoax. She cared nothing about me whatever and I’d be surprised to find out I ever so much so much as gave her even a flicker of pleasure in all the time we spend in bed together.
“It was quite different with men. When a man comes, you know it! You can’t help but see or feel or taste the flow of his come. I quickly found that this ability of mine, to deliver sexual pleasure, was very satisfying to me. Before I’d never been really sure whether I was making the woman feel good or not. Now there was no doubt whatever about it. I could tell right away that making it with guys was completely in another realm as far as real, lasting satisfaction was concerned.
“As soon as I discovered hew great it was to make it with a guy, I just dried up altogether as far as Ellen was concerned. That really burned her up, finding out that I didn’t need her or want her any more. In a way, that was one of the greatest satisfactions about switching over to the gay side of things. Giving that selfish bitch her comeuppance was one of the most enjoyable things I ever did. You could tell it in my painting, even, that I was feeling better inside.
A lot of the tensions that had marred the work I’d been doing, they all began working themselves out and for a time there I was really painting pretty well.
Not like I had just before that first show, unfortunately. But for a time I thought I was going to be able to put something new together and really make a go of it.
“I peaked out at just about that time, though, and after working with canvas for a month or so I finally had to give up and admit the truth-I’d painted myself out, totally and completely, and I’d gotten to the point where I didn’t even care any more about trying to put it alt down on canvas. That’s the ultimate dead end for a painter, when you don’t care any more, and I could see the handwriting on the wall.
“Fortunately I’d met Gerald by that time. He could see that I was through as a painter and when I finally got around to admitting it to myself he took me on as his secretary. I haven’t lost my feeling for painting, you understand. I’ve only lost my desire to paint. I can still appreciate the work that others are doing, however. That’s one thing that makes me valuable to Gerald. I’m pretty sure that he would keep me on as his secretary even if we stopped being lovers, so long as it wasn’t one of those tempestuous, melodramatic breaks where people screech and throw things at each other and say dreadful things. Not that there’s much likelihood of that! “Gerald must have heard through the grapevine that I was coming on strong as far as the gay scene was concerned. We’d known each other for several years and, yes, I was perfectly aware of his preference for men as lovers. We’d always been friends, though I’m not quite sure why. My painting was never good enough to excite his admiration; even the best work I ever did. There are times when I believe that he saw, even that far ago, that he and I had a great future together.
“You’ll have to understand that, at the time that Gerald and I first became lovers, I still didn’t have much experience at this sort of thing. As far as I was concerned, sucking was the absolute ultimate in sex and I’d have been perfectly content to have left it at that. And especially when it’s a question of Gerald-he’s monumentally hung, you know, and has a cock that’s simply the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It’s every bit of ten inches long and has this magnificently sculpted head that’s perfectly immense: It’s simply a gorgeous prick.
“We were up in his studio the first time that we balled. I’d come there to meet him for an appointment. Gerald was showering when I arrived. I know that that’s a very outdated way of getting the message across but it worked with me and that’s what matters, isn’t it? I came into the Studio and he called me into the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom he was naked, obviously, and I couldn’t help staring at his meat. It was so huge, so attractive, that I was overwhelmed. I’d never seen one so large, especially when it wasn’t hard, and the sight was intoxicatingly erotic. "It’s only a prick,” he said, throwing the towel aside when he’d finished with it. “Every man has one!”
“But how many men have one like that?” I asked. “It’s beautiful!”
“Would you like to make it get hard?” he asked. “So it stands up proud and stiff? Would you like that, Freddie?”
“‘God yes!” I exclaimed. “It’s so beautiful!”
“I must have sounded like a silly teenager, repeating myself like that, but I simply couldn’t control myself. I’ve been excited before but that afternoon with Gerald, I was excited beyond anything I’d ever felt before in my entire life. I’d had some experiences with a couple of other fellows in addition to Herb, by that time, and I knew pretty well what was expected of me. But when I got a glimpse of Gerald’s cock I simply dissolved into a quivering mass with no self-control at all! “Suck it up for me,” Gerald whispered, moving closer to me and standing directly before me. “Use your tips and make it firm and stiff! Pull the skin back with your lips so you can use your tongue to make me ready!”
“He wasn’t circumcised and I had the unique joy of skinning a fellow back with my mouth. Mmm, what a joy, to feel the naked head swelling out into your, mouth as you force the Skin back! I almost shot off then, as I was exciting him, but I managed to hold it back. He was coming around, slowly but definitely, and it wasn’t too long before I had raised a tremendous hard for him. Gerald is about ten years older than I, so it takes him a little while to get completely ready, but, once he’s hard, he’s just a whole lot of man! “Why don’t you lie back here so I can go down on you properly?” I suggested.
“Or would you rather go at it together?”
“Let’s not play around with childish games,” he replied, standing back to admire the change I had brought about. “Why don’t you undress and let’s act like adults?”
“What do you’ mean?” I asked, not’ knowing what he was talking about.
“‘I mean that I’d like to fuck you in the ass,” he said, looking at me in surprise. “Surely you like it that way, don’t you?”
“I don’t know,” I confessed. “I’ve never tried ‘it like that.’ “He was absolutely dumbfounded when I said that I’d never been fucked in the asshole. At first he wouldn’t believe it, but I suppose my surprise and innocence showed through well enough for him to see that I really didn’t know anything about it. He couldn’t get over the fact that I was a virgin-anal, to be sure, but then that’s the only kind that matters in our world -and that I was his for the taking.
“I’ve been fucking guys for twenty-five years,” he exclaimed, ‘and I’ve never yet had a cherry! At last, and it had to be with you! Oh, Freddie, I’m going to do things to you that’ll make you ache all over with pleasure! I’m going to fuck that tight little asshole of yours until you come from head to foot!
You’ll shoot come so far into the air we’ll both have a sperm shower! Oh, baby, are you ever going to remember this!”
“He started undressing me and I helped as best I could, which wasn’t too much, since he was so eager to get at me. When he got my trousers and shorts off, he raved ecstatically about my gear. He was especially taken with my balls and he swore that he’d drain them over and over until I couldn’t come for a week! He’s the sort, you know, who loves a great, huge, voluptuous discharge in his lovers and if I do say it, I’ve never seen anyone-not even Gerald, as well-hung as he is-with a pair of balls the size of mine.
“Of course I was a little uncertain about letting him get that big cock of his up my ass. My concern showed, but he promised me that it would be the greatest thing in the world and that, once I’d tried it, I would never go back to sucking or any other kind of sexual activity. I’d never even tried fingering myself in the ass. To be perfectly frank about it, I’d never so much as considered the whole as a possibility so far as sex is concerned! Somehow, though, I had a lot of confidence in Gerald and I felt that if it was at all possible, he would do it to me just as he said.
“The first thing,” he said to me as he went over to a little stand beside his bed, is to get some lubricant. This is the one place where girls have it over us-they’re self-lubricating! But this little tube of surgical jelly is the stuff. It’ll make everything possible and enjoyable. You just sit there, you dear boy, and I’ll get us ready for some of the intense pleasure you ever experienced in your life!”
“Gerald squirted out a big glob of the stuff into his hand and rubbed it all over his cock, greasing the tool from tip to base. Then he used his finger to grease my whole. As soon as he put his finger in that tight little opening, I sensed that I was in for a really momentous experience. Even his finger was extremely delightful and I could see that he was right about it being so marvelous.
‘Yes, you’re made for butt fucking,” be said, noticing the way I’d reacted*hen he put his finger up my ass. “You’ve got a tender little one there and it’ll go mad with pleasure when I spread it wide open with my cock! Freddie, this is the greatest day in my life, the absolutely greatest!”
“Once he’d gotten us both greased up properly, he had me lie on my back. He explained that sometimes guys liked it better doing it doggie style but he wanted to see the expression on my face when I felt his cock going in and when I felt him start to come. He had me prop my legs up on his shoulders. I’d seen some women getting fucked that way at the parties Ellen and I had attended. The idea of getting it just the way they did was very appealing to me. Then he started shoving the cock to me. At first I didn’t feel anything but then, all of a sudden, there was a blinding pain radiating out from my ass. It felt exactly as though someone were cutting me open! “You’ve got to relax,” he told me. “Concentrate on relaxing your muscles, Freddie. It’s going in perfectly. If you’ll just not fight against me, I’ll have it in all the way in a moment and then we can get down to some serious fucking!”
“I reached down between us and felt, just to see how it was going. You can imagine my surprise when I found that he already had three or four inches of dick up my ass already! I did just as he said and after a moment or two I found that I could make it a lot easier on myself by relaxing all the muscles in my rump. It took a little while before I could really get the hang of it but, once I’d caught onto the secret, it went a lot easier. You know, I’ve read some case histories and personal experiences of people, mostly women, telling about their introduction to butt fucking and just about all of them agree that the first moment or two is the worst, at least until you get used to it.
“It was certainly that way for me. Perhaps it was due to Gerald’s experience, I don’t know, but the painful part didn’t last very tong at all. I imagine it was partly the shock of being had in that way, together with the newness of it, that made the first experience so painful for me. I know that the second and third times he did it to me weren’t nearly so bad and now, of course, he slides into me as easy as can be.
“God, you’re tight!” he told me, panting very hard, and beginning to get extremely excited. “Your ass is gripping me like a vise!”
“That’s another thing about Gerald that I like a great deal. Some of the gay guys, you know, come on in a very refined, delicate sort of way, sometimes even effeminately. I especially despise that kind of man-I like a man who’s not ashamed of being a man, who’s strong and virile and utterly masculine. And while I don’t especially like to use profanity in polite conversation, I certainly relish hearing strong talk when I’m making love. Gerald’s exactly the same way-ordinarily he’ll go for days without letting so much as a ‘damn’ slip out, but when he’s in bed with me he really lets out all the stops!”
“Puck it to me!” I muttered, holding onto him tightly and trying to get my ass to working around his cock… “Shove it deep and I’ll fuck your balls off! I’ll drain you with my asshole!”
“‘You’ve got the sweetest fucking action I’ve ever seen,” he said, drawing in a deep breath and really beginning to drive his cock home. “I’m going to fill you so full of prick and* come you’ll wonder what’s happened to you! I’ll make you come forever!”
“Just then he reached in with one hand and started jacking me off. That was a completely new revelation to me. I’d never even thought about my cock. All I could think of was his wonderful cock and the way he was driving it deeper and deeper into my asshole. When he started jerking me off, I simply went into orbit, the sensations were so deliciously strong. I could feel every inch of his big prick boring deep into my ass. He’d stretched me to the limit, naturally, and I was tight as a drum. And then his fist, gripping my prick and sliding up and down! His hand was still wet with the surgical jelly and it slipped easily up and down the shaft of my cock. I simply turned into a semen-fountain and, the next thing I knew, I was shooting come all over us both.
“That was only the beginning, however. Gerald’s the type who gets most excited when his partner begins to come and, once he saw the stuff I was producing, he simply went wild. Oh, the way he fucked my ass! The way he whipped his cock in and out of my rear! I thought he’d tear a new hole down there, honest. Then, that last bull-like lunge when he tried to sink it all into me! He held himself there, as deep as he could get it, and then the come started jetting out of his cock! Oh, he shot, and shot, and shot, until I was certain I’d drained him completely. But then he seemed to get a second wind and he was shooting some more of that heavenly stuff into my ass! It went on forever, it seemed, and all the while he was grunting and sobbing and carrying on. You’d have thought he was undergoing the Chinese water torture! ‘I’d,have been concerned about him except that I could feel his cock leaping about and spurting out hot, come and I knew that he was feeling pleasure, not pain.
“‘I’ve never, had an ass as good as that!” he cried out when at last he’d finished coming and he’d pulled his cock from my ass. “I’ve laid some sweet men in my time, but that was the greatest ever!”
“Let me tell you, I never heard anything from Ellen which was a tenth as welcome as those words I heard from Gerald the first time he fucked me in the ass. And I never felt anything in my entire life that was nearly as exciting and satisfying; all at the same time, as when I felt his big stud-horse prick begin shooting come up my ass. Feeling him come, listening to him, having him in me, was simply the best thing that bad ever happened to me. At last, I felt from the bottom of my heart that I’d really given sexual pleasure to someone else. I felt this pleasure and satisfaction so strongly that it was almost incidental when I began to get my own come.
“Yes, Gerald was still jacking me off as fast as he could and my prick was responding with a tremendous climax. The sperm shot up between us, squirting up onto his chest and shooting all over mine until we were both bathed in the stuff. I’d never before been really fond of feeling the hot, sticky stuff on my own body but now, once he was doing, it to me and I was enclosing all his tremendous, lovely cock in my ass, I hadn’t mind it a bit. I just laid there and shot off all over both of us.
‘Lovely come! Beautiful, hot, sticky, thick come!” he breathed, looking down to see what he had brought about. “What a shoot! Freddie, when I get off you I’m going to lick every drop of that delicious come off your chest and belly.’ “Fortunately Gerald isn’t one of those guys that detests the sight and feel of sperm. There are some men that way, you know.-They’re just really hot to have you suck them off, or maybe to fuck you in the ass, but as soon as they pop their nuts they’re through with you. It’s almost as if they were ashamed of having gone so far. You couldn’t get one of those fellows to suck you or to let you fuck them in the ass for anything in the world. Gerald’s different. He’s simply a total sexual being and he’s ready for just about anything that’s sexual, when he’s ‘in the mood. Anything I can suggest, he’s ready for it.
“I’ve tried fucking him in the ass a couple of times. It’s all right, I suppose, but I only did it because he insisted that I try it. For me, the supreme pleasure is having him inside me. I suppose I’ve got an essentially feminine point of view. Certainly I’d much rather play the woman’s part when we get down to sex play. Sometimes Gerald’s in the mood for a blow job and of course I’m always only too happy to honor his wishes in that respect! Mostly, though, we just keep on with what has already worked so well for us-him packing’ my ass with his mammoth cock. That’s still the best solution I’ve found for handling the sexual drive and it’s one that I’ll always love.
“There’s only one drawback to anal sexuality, as far as I can tell, and that’s the soreness. Yes, even now, after he’s been up my butt for who knows how many times, I’m still pretty sore the morning after. That isn’t such a great problem, fortunately, because the soreness is almost always gone by the next evening. And since Gerald’s sex drive has diminished somewhat, he very rarely wants me in the morning, after we’ve’ made love the night before. If he’s exceptionally horny I usually give him a blow job and he’s satisfied with that.
I’d gladly lie there and let him wallop the prick to me again in the ass, but he knows how sore I am, so he never suggests doing it that way. He’s so considerate and thoughtful! “Mostly we do it the way he did it to me that first time around-you know, with me on my back and him lying over me. That’s the most satisfying way that I know of, since it allows us to see’ each other, to catch all the fleeting expressions of love and joy as they pulse through our bodies. Occasionally he’ll have me kneel and he’ll come into me from the rear, reaching around so he can jack me off. That’s not bad but most of the time I like it better when we’re face to face.
“I think one of the reasons we get along so well is that neither of us is really dedicated to the ideal of faithfulness. I mean, if Gerald sees a likely piece of ass, he’ll take it if he’s in the mood and it’s the same with me. We mainly keep it for each other but we’re not dominated by the idea, you understand. Occasionally we’ll get together with another friend or two and things will get a little more complex.
“Just last week, for example, we had this very nice young man in for dinner and we had a little party afterwards, just the three of us. He was only twenty or so and extremely virile. I sucked him off a couple of times while Gerald watched. He’s something of a voyeur, Gerald is! Once we’d performed enough to get Gerald’s cock as stiff as it could ‘be, he mounted me from the rear. Teddy, the other fellow, lay on his back with me over him so that we could eat each other as Gerald fucked his big tool ‘into my asshole. It turned out that Teddy had a sensitive ass too and so I finger-fucked his ass while I was going down on him. He ate me at the same time and we were all creaming together after a while. That was an incredibly erotic evening for all of us. I must have come three times at least and Gerald was simply incredible. He stayed in my ass for I don’t know how long, just fucking away like a mad boar, and after he’d shot me full of come, Teddy persuaded him to have another round. That time he got on Teddy and shoved it up his ass! I was so exhausted and weak from the climaxes I’d already had that I couldn’t move at all, so I just lay there and watched them go at it. Altogether it was a very satisfying evening’ and it’s one that I’ll remember for a long time.”
Homosexual marriages, whether formal or informal, are not noted for their longevity. As Dr. David Reuben remarks, male homosexuals who stay together for extended periods “are mighty rare birds among the homosexual flock… Live together? Yes. Happily? Hardly. The other part of these ‘marriages’ that doesn’t fit in with happiness is that the principals never stop cruising. They may set up housekeeping together, but the parade of penises usually continues unabated. Only this time, jealousy, threats, tantrums, and mutual betrayal are thrown in for good measure. Mercifully for both of them, the life expectancy of their relationship together is brief.” (Reuben, Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex, p. 143.) Freddie’s relationship with Gerald would appear to have a slightly better chance for lasting happiness than the average homosexual liaison. The main reason for offering this judgment is the readiness with which both of them gratify their wayward impulses and display no overt jealousy toward the other partner’s “cruising practices.” This willingness to accept occasional infidelity in the partner suggests a slightly higher level of maturity on their part and thus indicates a somewhat better chance for a continued sexual relationship.