“Sure, I know all about that ‘all-American, Corn Flakes girl’ look. I’ve been hearing it all my life, I think. But you know what the funniest part of it all is? I wasn’t even in the country for nearly all the time I was growing up! What I mean is Mom and I moved out to Libya to be with Dad when I was four. From then until I was thirteen, we just moved with him from one job to another. All that time, except for some vacations, we were never in the United States! But still I’ve got this blonde hair, these blue eyes. Why, when I came back to the States to start in that boarding school, I even had pigtails and freckles! I can’t help coming on that way, but you’ll have to admit that it’s only skin deep underneath I’m quite a different person.
“Those camps where we spent most of our time weren’t really so bad. I mean, they weren’t nearly as bad as Mom let on. I think she did it mostly to be complaining and to give Dad a hard time. They didn’t fight or argue all that much but, every once in a while, they’d really let their hair down and let everything get out in the open. Sure, some of the camps were pretty primitive-most of them didn’t have running water and you were lucky if you had an enclosed place where you could take a crap. We stayed in a lot of places where you just had to hang your ass over a trench and let it go. But, I still don’t know why Mom complained so much about it all. She was always pretty big on camping and the outdoor life. Maybe she just wanted something to piss and moan about.
“Maybe she was just taking it out on him because he knocked her up again. See, they hadn’t originally intended to have any children at all and then they’d had me. That nearly ripped it for them. That’s when Mom went back to the States and she wouldn’t go back to Dad till I was almost four. Right after they got back together again, barn! Another baby up the old cock hole! “Mom was about to go out of her mind when she found out she had me up her cunt.
The way I know about all this is that when my grandmother died three years ago-this was Mom’s mother-I was the one who had to go over and get the stuff all sorted out. There were a lot of letters Morn had written, going back to when she’d first met Dad; and I read them all. I found out a lot of things I hadn’t known the afternoon I opened up that old trunk, believe me! “Maybe another reason Morn always bitched about the camps was that, if there was a house at all, it was usually just a little one or two room hut with cardboard for walls and all that sort of thing. I figured out, from things I remembered hearing her say and from what I saw in the letters, that it really bugged her, having to screw Dad with Billy and me sleeping in the same room.
She was a real hot ass, no doubt about it, and I guess she loved her prick. But I can see how it might inhibit you a little, trying to ball your old man with a couple of kids sleeping six or eight feet away.
“One way they used to cope with that kind of situation was to fuck in the bathroom, whenever they had one. Mom would turn the shower on- most of those showers were lined with flattened out gasoline drums-and that would make enough noise till you’d think the house was coming down. I never understood why they would both get in the bathroom at the same time until one day I happened to find out.
“We were taking a vacation, a short one, and we’d rented a little beach house on Crete. This one was a real palace-at least, it had two bathrooms-and Billy and I had a bedroom to ourselves. For some reason, though, Mom and Dad didn’t give up the old ways. Maybe they’d gotten hooked on bathroom screwing, I don’t know. They were going at it in the john. The way I found out is that I was• looking in this little cupboard under my own lavatory and I peeked through a crack where the plumbing went through. It was a really crummily built house and you could see right in to where they were.
“Mom was sitting over Dad, with her back to him. He was on the stool and she was just fitting his tool up into her cunt. Man! I never knew he had a thing like that hooked onto him! It looked about the size of my forearm and it had this big red knob at the end. But Mom wasn’t scared of it, not one bit! Man, she gathered that big hunk of cock up and just rammed it up her cunt! And then, when she got a good cunt-grip on it, she really went to town! Of all the grunting and heaving and ass-grinding you ever saw, she really put on the best show ever; and, when she’d fucked him into a big come, she just hopped right off and started going down on him! “Once I’d peeked through that hole and saw what was going on I was hooked. I couldn’t have looked away for anything in the world. I didn’t have the slightest idea what they were doing. Shit, I wasn’t but seven or eight at the time. What could you expect from me? It really got hold of me. I didn’t come or anything like that while I was watching but, as I remember, I got a nice little glow down in my pussy. Of course I didn’t know what to do about it then.
“Anyway, I really remember the bathrooms, or the lack of them, at the places we stayed when I was growing up. Every time I’d go out to pee or take a shit, if it was one of the places where we had to go outdoors and there wasn’t any place to hide, Mom would always tell me to be sure and look around so nobody would see me doing it. I don’t know what could be so damned exciting about watching a little girl piss or shit, but she sure went on about it.
“And Billy, I guess I remember him too, the little turd. Man, it really knocked me out when he was born. I guess it was natural for Da4 to take on about me right after Mom and I hail moved out to join him. After all, I was his only child and it had been a long time since he’d seen me. That first year, man, he really took on about me and acted like I was just the greatest thing in the world. And then Billy came along. It was just the difference between night and day, the difference when he made the scene. I guess I was a nasty little shit for a while. I’ve read a little psychology since then and I know that there’s such a thing as sibling rivalry. But I also know that it wasn’t right, Dad taking on about him so much.
“What the hell, he couldn’t do anything but lay there in the crib and yell for the nipple. Either that or mess up his diapers. God, the times I had to wipe the crap off his ass! Mom hated diapers and she’d always try ‘to get me to change him if she could. I guess that’s one reason I started going outside so much, just to get away from all that crap. I’m just positive that there were times when I could cheerfully have let the little asshole wander off into the desert by himself. I detested him that much.
“But that wasn’t all of it. At the same time that I hated him, I’d hate myself too. You know, everyone had always given me that big line about famil3f solidarity and all that. If I say it myself, we were a pretty tight family and I guess that’s why I sometimes felt so bad about the way I felt and acted when Billy was around. There were times-not very many, but there were some-when I’d really go overboard trying to make it up to him for all the bad things I’d done or thought.
“That’s exactly what led to my getting the only spanking I ever got in my life.
It wasn’t very long after that time that I first saw Mom and Dad fucking in the john, as a matter of fact. Billy and I had gone down to the beach, to a fairly secluded little cove that we used sometimes, and we’d had a little swim. When we got out, he’d howled and cried till I’d taken his bathing suit off. He’d gotten some sand on it and he thought it was ruined.
“Well, the more I looked at him running around naked the more I thought about what I’d seen Mom do that time with Dad. I don’t mean the tucking part-I knew that was out already. I mean the sucking part, the part where she’d licked his cock off after she’d fucked him. Well, after a little bit I just couldn’t stand it any more and I got Billy down so I could suck on his cock. It was such a tiny little thing I barely could get hold of it with my lips. But it got hard and I believe that he was getting a pretty good feeling out of it. He got real still and quiet when I got my mouth on it, like maybe he was reeling it pretty good.
“Regardless of whether he was feeling it or not, that was about the time Morn came in and caught me going down on him. Man, was she ever ticked off! That was the only time I ever got a spanking in my entire life but she really laid it on me.
‘You little whore!” she yelled out when she saw what I was doing. “I’ll beat your ass into a pulp! The very idea, doing that to your own baby brother!”
“And she damn near did beat my ass to a pulp, too. She yanked up my dress and started whaling my butt with a hairbrush, just like in the cartoons. I thought she’d never quit. I didn’t even have a chance to explain that I was just doing what I’d seen her do, though I guess now it’s just as well that I didn’t go into that! Anyway, she really did a job on me. Hell, I wasn’t intending to hurt the little fart. I just wanted to see what it felt like! And Billy, I think, was sort of enjoying it.
“Anyway, Mom was sure now, that the camp life was making me into a whore, even though I was only eight or nine. She was always really uptight ‘about maybe One of the workers getting a prick into me, and she used to harp at me all the time about being careful not to wander off. Hell, I don’t think there was all that much danger but what could I do? I stayed around pretty close to the campsite, wherever it happened to be. It wasn’t long after she’d caught me sucking Billy that ‘she started talking to Dad about sending me to a boarding school.
“All that time, you understand, I was getting my education’ through one of those correspondence course deals that some religious order in the States has set ‘up. Between that and what I got from Mom and Dad, together with a tutor they hired for one summer, I was in pretty good academic shape. I had to take an entrance exam but I didn’t have any trouble with that. So, I was ready to go to boarding school just after I’d turned thirteen. “I wasn’t a total novice about sex s4ff when I came back to the States. That’s mostly because, of Enid, the tutor Mom and Dad had gotten for me. She turned up one summer just after Pd turned eleven and we became pretty good friends. She was English and about twenty at the time, I guess. She had a real good idea of what it was like to be a girl out in the wilderness and no other girls around for hundreds of miles.
“I learned about finger fucking from Enid. She called it trigging, which is what the English sometimes call it, but it was the same thing. I came up on her in the bushes once, when I was going out to pee, and found her sprawled out with her shorts down around her ankles and both hands between her legs. Man, she was really ripping it off! I didn’t have the faintest idea what she was doing, of course, but she was pretty nice about showing me what was what.
“I hadn’t even started having periods at that time and my pussy was still a little, undeveloped thing, but I could make it feel pretty good, despite all that. She wanted me to do it to her sometimes-I guess she was a little on the queer side-but I couldn’t ever get up my nerve to do that. I’d just sit and rub myself while I watched her drive her fingers up her cunt. She had thi8 thing about liking to stretch her cunthole-she’d stick in both index fingers and then pull it apart so you could see way up inside, really exciting to look at. She’d just open it up and let it lose, open it up and let it close, over and over until, POP! She’d have herself a nice come going, and then it would be all over with. She told me about a lot of other ways and said that I should experiment around with them until I found the one that made it happen best for me.
“Curiously, she didn’t say anything about the asshole. I guess that wasn’t very sensitive for her. But I found out about it myself, once I really got into it and started doing it good. The first time I ever did it to myself was in the john at a little house we had. This was about six months before I left for the States and the boarding school, and it was absolutely the greatest, most exciting, most fulfilling discovery I’ve ever made in my entire life! “I’d already started having periods by that time, of course, and I’d developed a fairly thick growth of pussy fur and the lips of my pussy had already grown out pretty well. I don’t guess I ever had a cherry. The first time I ever put my finger in my cunt I rammed it in up to the palm and I never felt anything remotely resembling a cherry. I’ve heard that most girls don’t have them.
They’re’ mostly a figment of the guys’ imaginations, I guess.
“Anyway, I was sitting there on the john and finger fucking to beat the band this particular day. I was in the john because that was the safest place to be.
Since there was only the one bedroom in the cabin, I couldn’t do it in bed or else Mom and Dad would hear me when I started to come. I wasn’t having a whole lot of luck that afternoon and it seemed like the come was locked up some place way deep in my cunt. Nothing I could do would get it out. Finally I stopped gouging and just sat there, letting my fingers wander around all over the lips of my pussy.
“I’d already found out that that little patch of meat just to the rear of my cunt was pretty lively-you know, that spot between the cunt and the asshole. I was rubbing that, along with my clit, sort of working back and forth between them, and all of a sudden I asked myself, ‘Why not?” I mean, why not try sticking my finger in my, ass? As soon as the thought hit me I was gone. There wasn’t a thing in the world 1 could do about it! Man; it was positively the most exciting idea I’d ever had and I didn’t waste any time in getting to it.
“My fingers were already plenty slippery, from having been in my cunt. Even though I couldn’t come, I’d gotten myself hot enough that I was plenty wet and juicy. That finger slipped in just as easy as pie! And oh my, what a nice feeling! It was at least as sensitive as my cunt and when I thought of what Mom ‘would say if she could see me sitting there and finger fucking my own asshole, I just curled up inside. Well, I just drove the finger in good and deep and kept it there while I rubbed another finger over my clit. I couldn’t bear to move my finger around inside my ass very much, it hurt so much, but by just leaving it there and keeping it still I managed to get myself a really first-class come out, of it.
“As soon as the come hit me, I knew that I’d stumbled onto something really big. I didn’t dare even think about it much, it affected me so, but I just knew deep down inside that I’d graduated into the real big leagues. From the way Mom had always talked, I knew that it was wrong to play with your asshole and that it was a very nasty part of your body but hell, there were times when I just couldn’t keep from doing it to myself. It always really knocked me for a loop, fingering myself in the butt, but there were times when I just seemed to be all knotted up inside and there wasn’t any way I could keep from doing it to myself that way. I don’t know quite what it was that made me do it, or why. I could come so much more strongly with my finger in my ass.
“It sure wasn’t just because of the extra pleasure! Why, there were times when I felt so bad about doing it that way that I thought about running away or maybe even trying suicide or something like that. Why, there were times I could almost cry, I felt so bad about the things I did to myself! I just knew that I was turning into a queer; or some kind of pervert, but in spite of all that, I’d still win4 up sitting in the john about once a month and gouging hell out of my fanny.
“Starting to date when I was in boarding school didn’t help either. It was a pretty classy school, I guess, and just about all the girls were really into sex. My roommate, Lois, was one of the worst ‘of the lot. She was from a really rich New York family and she had just about every kind of hang-up there is. She used to tell me that she hated to tuck, but that even more she hated not doing it. So she usually wound up with a prick up her cunt. I don’t know what her problem was but she used to do her studying with a book in one hand and her pussy’ in the other! “Well, Lois found, out that I sometimes finger fucked myself in the ass. I couldn’t keep it from her. It just came out one day when we were talking about what we’d done in the sex line. She wanted to know if I’d ever let a guy tuck me there. Wow! I’d barely even let guys get their ‘cocks up my cunt, I was that green, but I had let a couple of guys screw me. It hadn’t done amp; whole lot for me,” partly because… well, I guess I was just too used to doing it my own way.
“The more I thought about what Lois had’ said, the more, hung up I became. I mean, there was part of me that was saying ‘Do it!” and then there was another part of me that was saying ‘Don’t!” So I was pulled in both directions at once.
I wanted to and I didn’t. I knew that it was terribly wrong and that ‘people shouldn’t do it that way but, at the same time, I really wanted to take a fellow that way. I just couldn’t get the thought out of my mind-the idea of a medium-sized cock sliding into my ass, filling me full of hard meat an4 then shooting come in way deep. That really turned me on. There were times when I’d turn into jelly it seemed, just by letting thoughts like that run through my mind.
“I’ll always believe that Lois clued that guy in, the first time I ever got tucked in the asshole. See, she and I’d gone up to this college for a weekend date with- a couple of guys that she knew pretty well. She was already thick with both of them and she told me all about Ricky, the guy I was supposed to be dating for the weekend…
“He doesn’t have a really big prick,” she’ told me, ‘but that thing is just made of solid steel! He can pump all night if he wants to and never let a drop of come out. You’ll really have a ball with him. And he just loves eating a girl’s cunt out!”
“With a recommendation like that, you can bet that I was looking forward to the weekend with mixed emotions. Lois made it crystal clear that she was going only because of Tim, the other guy. He had a cock the size of a post, it seemed, and she was always red hot to take on the biggest guy around.’ Neither one of us said anything about doing it in the ass, but I still think she’d already told Ricky to try me out that way. I was mostly wondering what it would be like to have a guy eating my pussy. I hadn’t ever had a fellow do that to me before.
“The weekend was about like any of twenty or thirty others that I went on while I was in boarding school-a football game, a dance, a couple of parties. And a lot of sex mixed in between all that other stuff. It was a pretty busy time.
The first chance Ricky and I got, we slipped off and started making out. Just like Lois said, he was really hot to go down on me and I… well, I thought it was pretty good. Especially when he started licking my asshole! Yeah, he was rubbing his tongue over the opening and trying to stick it in me! “That really knocked me out and when he switched around I just couldn’t say no to him. I laid there and watched while he ran his cock into my cunt to get it slippery and then well, he just shot that cock right up my asshole! I guess all the practice I’d already had, doing myself with my finger, was enough to loosen me up for him. Anyway, I didn’t have any trouble at all in getting him inside me.
“I reached down to make sure that he really was going into my ass and there wasn’t a bit of doubt about it. His cock was right in the middle of my ass! I was already about half silly it felt ‘so damned -good, and then I started fingering my ditty and cunt while he was fucking my ass pretty hard. God, it was just out of sight, all that feeling mixed in together and with me thinking all the time, I’ve done it now I’ve got a guy in my ass! I was lying on my back with my legs up in the air, so I couldn’t move too much, but I could squeeze my asshole-you just bear down, as if you were trying to shit- and that made it real good for Ricky.
“Great tucking!” he told me. “You’ve got the greatest asshole in the world!”
“Fuck it then,” I told him. “Fuck my ass- hole! Fuck-the shit out of me!”
“He did it. Man, I was just coming all over and when I felt him let go with his come it was simply incredible, the way my clit and cunt and asshole all started working together and making it better than ever!”
Judy C. the source of the case history considered ‘in this Chapter, came to our attention through the ‘alertness of a colleague conducting sensitivity training sessions for business executives and certain selected employees of the firms employing those executives. Judy was personal secretary to the advertising director of a very large company. During the training session, which her employer did not attend, Judy admitted that she was- having an affair with her boss and they frequently resorted to anal intercourse. Certain other statements which she made during the training session caused the director to refer her to us. She subsequently agreed to cooperate with our research.
Judy’s fascination with anal sex can be understood by referring back to her earlier years. The reader may already have noticed how often her early sexual experiences were associated in some way with bathrooms or with defecation and urination. Her first sight of her parents’ lovemaking, for example, came when she peeped under a lavatory into the connecting bathroom. She also mentioned that the bathroom frequently served her parents as a place in which to make love. Furthermore, when she saw her parent’s m4ing love for the first time, her father was sitting on the toilet, exactly as if he were defecating. Her own initial explorations of her vulva and her subsequent attempts at masturbation came in the bathroom. Her introduction to masturbation, via the imported tutor, came as she was searching for a suitable spot outdoors in which to urinate.
Small wonder, then, that Judy came to associate sexuality with the bathroom and with voiding.
These circumstances only disposed the girl toward’ anal sexuality; they did not force her in that direction. Other factors must also be considered in explaining this development in her personality. The mother’s anxiety about toilet facilities at the camps where they lived would have made the girl highly conscious of urination and defecation as functions. The mother also cautioned the girl not to stray too far from the cabin or tent, lest she fall into the clutches of a rapist. Probably the mother’s fears were exaggerated but, here again, it can be seen that anxieties of this sort might easily lead the girl to associate the toilet with the sexual act. The mother seems to have held the old-fashioned notion that toilet functions were “dirty” and “nasty.” The fact that she harped about them constantly suggests that the mother herself had problems in this area.
Psychoanalysts frequently distinguish between anal and urinary eroticism. The distinction is well taken in Judy’s case; she seems to have reserved her sexual interest for the anus alone and to have ignored the urinary function completely. Children frequently lump the two together in a rough and ready fashion, deriving erotic excitement from both. “With the approach to puberty, and the development of the ideal emotions, both excretory functions alike normally recede into the background and neither is likely to be, as it frequently was before, a deliberate source of pleasurable interest. That new influence, however, works unequally on the two functions, powerfully on the bowel activity, which is felt to be ‘dirty,” more weakly on the vesicle activity, to which the same objection cannot be made, and which has about it nothing unaesthetic. Hence it is that some degree of ‘urethral eroticism’ is regarded as coming within the normal sphere, while ‘anal eroticism’ can only so be brought in when it is held apart from the action of the bowels and confined to the sensitivity of the anus itself.” (Ellis, Studies in the Psychology of Sex, II, Part 2, pp 426427.) Ellis does not claim that this summary explains every case of anal eroticism, but it helps us understand Judy’s case better. She kept her fascination with the defecator act, and especially with the anus. The reason for this, we suspect, is associated with her relations with her younger brother. It will be noted that her earliest memories of that brother were not pleasant. He was not a planned child; doubtless the dismay of the parents was partly transmitted to the daughter, who also experienced the loss of the parents’ affections. Thus she harbored a long-standing resentment of her brother. She seems to have generalized this resentment to some extent and to have transferred it to men in general, as we shall see in a moment. Here the principal concern is to suggest her resentment of her young brother as a source of future guilt.
We suspect that Judy’s excursions into anal sexuality can best be understood as a way of punishing herself for her resentment of ‘her brother. She had plenty of reason to associate her buttocks with that brother. The only spanking she ever received came after she had attempted to perform fellatio upon him. It seems quite probable that she felt bad about her resentment of his presence, however understandable that feeling might be, and that she conceived of anal eroticism as a way of punishing herself for those feelings. There is no doubt that she saw anal sex as dirty and degrading. Far from rejecting it on those grounds, she was all the more willing to engage in it.
Judy’s language is also relevant to his consideration of her emotional makeup.
The reader will doubtless have noted her free use of vulgarisms, especially of words and phrases denoting the anus and its functions. This language is highly significant, according to one of the most respected figures in recent psychoanalytic thinking: “The frequent and casual use of four-letter words by some women, especially of expressions denoting sexual and excretory functions, is rarely characteristic of a low level of upbringing and education. In most cases it is an unconscious travesty or parody of men and their manners and reveals a concealed and often repressed hostility to the male.” (Theodor Reik, The Need to Be Loved, p. 146.) Judy’s casual use of vulgarisms can thus be interpreted as suggesting a lingering dislike of men-perhaps a hangover from her resentment of her younger brother-and thus her use of them as vehicles for performing anal sexual acts would further make those acts repulsive and degrading to her. In this way, her underlying guilt feelings could thus be assuaged all the more easily. Although she periodically “swore off” anal sex and vowed to devote herself to a more orthodox life style, she could never live up to her resolutions. Periodically she would feel impelled to give in to a man, and would then embark upon a series of escapades Involving anal sex. There is little doubt that these sessions served primarily to relieve her of her accumulated guilt feelings.
“That first time, when I got that Ricky’s cock up my asshole and let him fuck me until he shot his come in there that just turned me around like I’ve never been affected before. You know, there are some things that only affect you a little and some others that just totally blow your mind? Well, getting Ricky’s prick up my ass was definitely the other kind of thing! Man, I just went wild, especially when I felt him start to come. I’d felt guys shoot off in my cunt before and I’d held their pricks when they’d shot their nuts off but this, this was just another world! 1 don’t know, I think maybe it was just the idea of him being in my ass and squirting his come up there, mixing it with my shit, that turned me on so much. Anyway, I know that after it was over I staggered into the bathroom-we were in the school’s gym, hidden out in a little room he knew about-and sat down on the john to have a crap. As soon as I started forcing the turd out, the come started rolling too and I just started coming all over again, without even touching myself at all! “That was a Saturday morning that Ricky and I had our first butt fucking session. It sort of knocked him out too because he didn’t act very horny till late that afternoon. I was just totally disgusted with myself, even though I’d come like anything, and I really didn’t want to have any more to do with him.
But what the hell, I was there for the weekend and I’d already let him do it to me once, so what could I do? That afternoon he came on pretty strong and wanted some more, so I agreed to take a walk with him and, of course, it was a walk in the woods. Thank God the weather was mice. This was in the spring-April, I think-and it was fairly warm. Otherwise I might have died of pneumonia! S “As soon as we got out of sight of the campus he started in on me. He hadn’t fooled me any. I knew that he wanted to fuck some more, probably in my ass, and I… I was going into that hung-up frame of mind all over again. You know, I wanted to and I didn’t want to? That kind of feeling. But as I’ve already said, I’d done it once before with him, that very morning, and I didn’t see how I could back out without making him feel awful. So I agreed and we ducked back into the bushes.
“This time it was just straight sex. No romance, no kissing, nothing but just a pure, all-out fuck! The leaves were still pretty damp and soggy and Ricky didn’t have a blanket or anything, so we didn’t try to do it lying down.
Instead, he just got me down on all fours and crawled on behind me. It was the ‘first time I’d ever done it dog-fashion, either in my ass or in my cunt, and I sort of liked it. Though it wasn’t nearly as exciting as when I was facing him and could look down and see his big cock going into me. He spat on the head of his prick so it would go in easy and then he just reamed me out! It was just like the first time. I hated myself for enjoying it but the sensations were so incredibly good that I couldn’t have made him stop, no matter what had been going on.
“Well, you can be sure that little Ricky didn’t keep his news to himself.
Within a couple of weeks I believe that everyone in my boarding School and all the ‘guys in the better colleges in that part of the country were aware of how well I liked a prick Everywhere I went, I got these funny looks and propositions from guys that wanted to see what it was like, running their cocks up a girl’s asshole. Several of them were very frank about it. One guy even said that he’d like to try it and see if a girl’s asshole was any different’ from a guy’s! I guess he’d been working the gay side for a while and maybe wanted to change his luck.
“After a reception like that, I was just furious with Ricky for having blabbed about it, but it was too late then. I didn’t date another boy for a month. I just stayed at the school and’ occasionally I’d finger fuck myself, almost always in the ass, but otherwise I tried to live like a nun. There were times when I really hated myself for letting Ricky fuck me in the ass. But then there were other times when I thought I’d have to tie myself in the room to keep from running out and grabbing the first man I saw and making him give it to me that way! ‘ “It’s a good thing I didn’t stay at that boarding school past the spring, when I got my first taste of that kind of sex. I got out and tried a couple of years of college, but it turned out to be a total failure too. I don’t know what the problem was. I just couldn’t seem to settle down and keep my nose in those books. Part of it was the sex, I know that. It seemed that, as I grew older, I wanted it more and more. I mean, I wanted to do it the way I had with Ricky, with the guy going into my ass.
“I was lucky that I didn’t have to stay in college. I was spending Easter vacation at Atlanta, where I was staying with some friends Of Mom and Dad’s, and when I mentioned that I was utterly sick to death of college and books and all that, the man asked me why didn’t I go to work? I hadn’t really given it much thought, except to ‘guess that I wouldn’t be able to get anything very interesting. You know, I hadn’t gotten my degree and all that. But I found out that there are a lot of good jobs around where you don’t need a degree at all.
Like the one I’ve got now, for example.
“This fellow mentioned my name to a few people he knew and this company agreed to take me on as a trainee for personal secretary to the bigwigs. Really, you don’t have to know much about typing or shorthand to do that kind of job. They mostly want somebody with a nice figure and a pleasant voice to answer their telephone, fix them a drink, announce other bigwigs and generally give the office a little tone.
“I didn’t know when I started the, training program that one of my duties would be to handle the boss’s sex drive. Apparently it works out different for different girls. Some of them, I know, pimp for their bosses. You know arrange to get him dates with other girls who’ll give him what he wants, things like that. Jeff, my boss, has never asked me to do anything like that. Hell, he’s smooth enough that he can go out and get all the ass he wants! “I must have worked for him ‘six months before he made his first pass at me. It was right after he’d spent a long afternoon in conference with the absolute top brass of the company. He came back from the conference just beat, and I fixed him a drink. We sat down in his office and began to talk and before I knew it, my heart was going out to him. Maybe it was a misplaced material impulse or something like that but, for a change, I really related to a man. I mean, I saw him as a human being and not just something I could use to make me feel good.
That was a new experience for me and I didn’t quite know what to make of it.
“We ended up going out for dinner. He called his wife and made some kind of excuse. It didn’t have to be very good because they didn’t get along very well.
I don’t even know why he bothered calling. If I’d been his wife, I’d have known for sure that he was getting his ass somewhere else, the way he behaved! Well, as you might expect, we ended up back at my apartment. It wasn’t too long before it was time for bed. We were really pretty hot for each other.
“Once we got into the bedroom and got our clothes off, he just fell over onto the bed, rolling onto his back and laying there. He wasn’t even hard, which sort of put me off a little. “I was used to guys getting it up by themselves, you know. It was a little unusual, getting naked with a guy and then finding his cock still limp.
“You’ll have to get me hard,” he told me. “Do you like to suck?”
“‘I don’t mind it,” I said to him. “In fact I sort of like L I’ve never had a man get hard in my mouth before. Maybe it’ll be something really groovy.’ “To be truthful about it, I’d never felt a man get hard at all. As far as I knew they must had hard cocks all the time, though of course I understood that this wasn’t so. It was just that I’d only seen them in situations where they were getting ready to use their pricks. I stood there for a minute, just looking at him, and then I knelt down on the bed beside him so I could lean over and start kissing his prick.
“Get your legs over me,” he said. “I’d like to eat your pussy while you’re sucking me up.’.
“Jeff’s always had this thing about liking to talk real dirty to me while we’re balling. That startled me at first, because ordinarily he never says anything at all out of line. When we’re messing around and getting ready for sex, though, it’s like he becomes a completely different man.
“‘I haven’t had a bath since this morning,” I reminded him. I felt like coming right out and saying that I’d been pissing through my pussy all day but I figured he could work that out by himself. 4Are you sure you want me like this?”
“‘You’ll be just right,” he said. “I’d rather eat a pussy that’s been mellowing for a while. Come on, Judy, get over me and let me get my tongue in ‘you!”
“That settled it for me. If he wanted me just the way I was, who was I to argue with him? I climbed aboard and settled my snatch right over his face; He spent a little time just admiring my crack, kissing my thighs and opening up the lips with his fingers. All the while, in between kisses, he was telling me what a great looking pussy I had. Nobody had ever complimented me on my box before and I sort of took to the things he was saying about me.
“Funny, but I didn’t even give a thought to whether his prick might be clean or not. I guess I’ll have to be truthful and admit that I was about ‘like him. I’d much rather suck a man twelve hours, or even a day, after he’s bathed. There’s something about the idea of working my tongue down into that little pee-hole, knowing that he’s been using it that really turns me on. Not that I’ve ever been able to detect the taste of piss. It isn’t that kind of turn-on at all.
“How about this?” he asked me, and then he started running his tongue around my asshole.
“Jesus! I never thought he’d want to do that to me! When I found out that he had interest in the butt, I just about creamed right in his face. Yeah, I was about to go wild there and he’d just barely started working on me! ‘Ah, you do like it,” he said, and then he gave ‘a little laugh. “I was hoping you’d be the kind who likes this Sort of play.’
‘God, be careful,” I told him. “That just kills me. It makes me want to come all over! Don’t make me come yet. I want to save it and do it with you!”
“‘I’ll be careful,” he promised. “I’ll just tease you along and get you ready to pop. I don’t want you creaming yet.’ “His cock was starting to get some life in it and that was just out of sight, feeling it get stiff and growing in my mouth. Talk about something sexy, that was just about the most exciting thing I’d ever felt. Jeff wasn’t satisfied with just licking my ‘asshole, ‘by the way. After he’d worked it over with his tongue for a while, he started playing games with his finger. Ugghh! I nearly died it felt so good when he fingered me good and deep! And when he tongued my clit at the same time that he was ramming that finger in, I just went all to pieces. “
“You’ve got to fuck me,” I whimpered. “I can’t take it any more. I’ve got to have your prick! I’ve got to have it inside me!”
“‘Where do you want it?” he asked me. “Shall I fuck you in the asshole? Is that how you want it?”
“‘You know it’s how I want it,” I told him. “I love to feel a man going in my ass!”
“Except that I was just a little worried about him. Once I’d sucked him up to a hard, it turned out that he really had a dick on him! He was far and, away the biggest man I’d ever had and I was a little afraid that he might tear something, trying to get all that big tool into my butt.
“‘Don’t worry,” he said. He ‘was shrewd enough to see that I was a little scared of taking his big cock. “I’ll be careful with you. I won’t hurt you.’ “I want it,” I told him, ‘but I’m afraid of it. I’ve never bad a thing that big in my’ ass before. But I want it. I really do!”
“‘You’ll have it,” he answered. “Just concentrate on relaxing and everything will go smooth, I promise. Just lie there and make yourself comfortable. Relax and spread your legs out wide. I’ll do the rest.”
“He was as good as his word I’ll say that for him. I suppose he’d gotten a lot of practice at screwing women in ‘the rear, though I’m not sure where he’d gotten it. Some of’ the things he said made me wonder if maybe his wife didn’t like it that way, but then he said so the other things, after we’d gotten to know each other better, that made me think maybe she was really opposed to him doing it that way. Whatever the answer is, he sure knew how to go about it and make it good for a girl! “To start off with, he put his cock up my cunt. That was just to get it- good and slippery, he said, and I’ll have to admit that I was as juicy as I’d ever been. Lord, just thinking about getting my asshole around that big pole of his made me want to Furl up and die! He used his finger, too, to dip into my cunt and smear the drippings over my ass and lubricate the mouth a little. As soon as he’d done that I was so close to coming I knew I couldn’t hold it back.
“You’ve done it to me,” I whispered, trying to hold it back until he could get it in me. “I’m going to come. I just can’t keep from coming now! Your finger was enough to drive me up the wall!”
“‘Hold on, Judy,” he said, reaching down to aim his cock up to the mouth of my ass, ‘I’ll have it in you in a minute and then we’ll both come! You’ve really got me worked up. I know I’ll shoot my balls off as soon as I feel your ass slip around me!”
“Hurry, get it in,” I moaned, biting my lip and trying to keep the come back for just another minute.
“I was so intent on getting him into my asshole that I forgot all about him being so big. That made me relax, I suppose, and it wasn’t any trouble at all getting him in. His tool went in just as easy, as if it were going in my cunt, and from then on it was just one great long stream of pleasure. Oh, I really had myself a time, laying there and letting that good feeling roll all over me when he started driving his cock home. Just as he said, he started shooting come as soon as the rim of my asshole popped around the head of his dick and that made him all the more anxious to get more of it inside me.
Lord, he just drew back and fucked my ass till I thought sure it was going to fall off! I was coming from the moment his prick started spreading the mouth of my ass, all the way down to the time he finally stopped squirting the come in me, and when he finally fell on me and lay still, I just felt totally drained.
“That first time with Jeff, I think, was about the only time I’ve ever done anything with a man and didn’t really hate myself at the very instant that it was all happening. Of course, after it was all over and he’d taken his cock out of my ass, then I started feeling terrible. But that first moment, when he was just getting it into me, I just felt as though I were doing something halfway nice. I don’t think I ever felt quite that way before or since.
“There’ amp; one thing about letting guys fuck you in the ass-every time I’ve tried it, the guy’s been so totally whipped by it that it’s’ just one time around and that’s it for them. Before I started making them flick me in the ass, back when I didn’t know anything but screwing the regular way, some of those fellows would go two or three times without ever taking their pricks out. You know, they’d fuck till they came the first time, then they'd lay there for a little while and -then they’d start in again and fuck some more. It sure isn’t that way when they’re ‘in my ass. Then it’s just one time’ and they’re done. I guess it’s got something to do with it being so much better back there. “
“Anyway, whatever the explanation is, Jeff was finished after that one time.
It’s just as well that he was because I’m not sure I could have taken him again. His prick is awfully big, long and thick, and I was fairly sore the next morning. It didn’t keep me from going to work, of course, but I’m just as glad there wasn’t any strenuous activity connected with the job! Jeff acted as though nothing had happened, except for a moment or two when we were alone.
Then he let me know that he thought it had been wonderful. That made me feel good because, by that time, I was really getting down inside myself and feeling awful about the way I’d behaved with him.
“We must have gone on for almost a week, acting perfectly normal toward each other. He’s in his mid-forties and I imagine he doesn’t want a woman quite as much as he once did. That’s nice for me. I don’t think I could stand it if he wanted me all the time. Most of the ‘time we are about like any executive and his secretary are supposed to be-businesslike and efficient. I’m sure, now that I know him better that he sensed the way I felt about it all and that he was deliberately holding himself back. He’s very sensitive, you know, and he can really adapt himself to another person’s moods.
“Sure enough,” it wasn’t very long until I could feel that old desire building up inside me again. Usually it starts as sort of a gnawing ache, very small, but then it just keeps on building until I’m dying to fuck, ready to do almost anything to get rid of that terrible want between my legs. I tried to hide it and to get by with finger fucking myself but that just wouldn’t work. Once I’d had the best, it was hard to settle for something a lot less significant! “Jeff must have seen the way I was being bothered because he was the one who got to me -I didn’t go to him. It happened after work one day, a day when I’d barely been able to get around, I was so hung up and so horny. When I went into his office to say good-bye for the day, he just looked at me in that peculiar way of his and I could feel my pussy starting to crawl.
“Close the door and come here,” he told me.
“I did and he started loving me. We didn’t have to worry about anyone interrupting us. No one ever goes into an executive’s office without knocking first. We were almost naked when I got this brainstorm of mine. I guess seeing Jeff’s cock-he was rock hard this time-made me think of it, or maybe it was something else. Anyway, I suggested that we go into his john and do our fucking there. He thought it was a nice idea and, as soon as he was stripped, in we went! “He sat on the stool and let me sit over him. I started to do it facing him but then I turned around and backed down onto him, first putting my cunt over his cock to get it slippery enough and then getting off and moving forward just enough that his prod would dip right into my asshole. It wasn’t until I’d already made the switch that I realized what I’d done-I was get ting flicked in exactly the same way- that. Mom was getting it from Dad that time that I saw them in their bathroom! When I realized that, I just about shit all over myself, it was so sexy, and then I reached down to grab hold of my pussy and, man, it was just ‘Come City’ from then on. I just had myself a perfectly wonderful time with that big cock of my boss up my ass!”
One might assume, from reading the second portion of Judy’s case history, that she had come to view her relations with men in a slightly different light and that her relations with Jeff were more nearly normal than the earlier affairs into which her guilt had driven her. We must caution the reader against drawing an overly hasty conclusion. Judy’s behavior still shows strong evidence of her fundamental distaste for the acts to which she was driven. This distaste is quite apparent in her account of their love play inside Jeff’s bathroom. She mentioned that at first she started to sit on him with her face toward him but that she turned and presented her back to him. This change is highly significant, as we can see from Albert Ellis’s conclusion that “a man, who feels so guilty about having intercourse with any woman that he is afraid to look her in the eye while having it, and consequently always enters her vagina from the rear, is a distinct sex neurotic or deviate-even though he is engaging in a sex act that under most circumstances would not in the least be berated or perverted.” (Ellis, Art and Science of Love, p. 227.) While Dr. Ellis’s words applied to males and vaginal intercourse, we can easily see that the basic contention would also hold when we consider the case of a woman addicted to anal sexual acts. Despite the slight change in her verbal attitudes, Judy’s essential loathing for anal sex continues, as does her need to be symbolically punished and degraded for her imagined offenses of long ago.