“No. I don’t want to Alex,” he smiles.
“Just because you learnt a new word does not give you the right to wear it out,” he takes me in his arms as he carries me to my bedroom, just holding me until dawn.
Alex was gone when I awoke, no note to explain why. I almost think I had imagined him here but his shape was still on my mattress, he must have just left me. I shower and dress for work as normal, but I feel as far from normal as any raving lunatic.
I did not see him for the rest of the week, I found out he had booked a holiday that morning without notice. Avoiding me by absence, cowardly but was sure to work because I would not be able to speak to him.
Emails everyday reminding me of our pact, that I was his, my replies went unanswered. Flowers arriving daily from his brother, requesting me to meet him, how he could not get me out of his mind, empty words of love for me I binned them as soon as they arrived.
I have an email to wax before the ball, I do as he commands with everything waxed, as he desired. The ball gives me hope that he still wants me, but not seeing him until then also worries me. The emails are longer apart as the next week comes and goes, days in-between now go by before his email weaning me off him.
When my dress arrives on the day of the ball, my heart skips a beat he still wanted me. The dress was a long Ivory satin ball gown that looked transparent, as if I was naked. No wonder he wanted my pubic hair gone. I have already ordered a taxi but Alex driver picks me up as I reach for my coat the driver informs me that I would not need it.
It was not warm out but I leave it behind, my nipples hardening as soon as I step outside I blush as his driver stares. I have no underwear on, as there is very little from the dress especially at the back and with a side split up my left leg to my thigh.
He watches my leg s as he holds open my door; I start to feel uncomfortable and get back out. He looks at me confused.
“Sorry I’m getting a taxi,” he gently grabs my arm as he pushes me in the car and slams the door I pull the handle but it would not open. I watch him phone before he gets in the driver’s seat Alex voice reassuring me that I was safe, I look for a phone or something so I can talk to him as my panic takes over.
“Clara relax,”
“No,” he laughs as I struggle more on the door.
“Clara,” he says firmly as I feel myself protection taking over me as I stop resisting.
“Why could you not pick me up?” there is no response, the driver starts up the car checking me in the mirror, he smiles to try to reassure me he meant me no harm, or was he just a man looking at breasts.
I d id not hate men it was just one man that made it hard for me to trust them.
We pulled outside the function, As soon as I hear the car door unlock pulling the handle, as if I was a racehorse I was off with a run before the driver could open my door not easy in this dress as it wraps around my legs the driver catches me as I stumble.
“It is alright Miss, I got you.” He smiles kindly as he sets me on my feet.
“No one will hurt you Miss,” I try to pull myself together as he still holds me until he is sure I could stand.
“I will be waiting for you until you are ready to leave,”
“Thank you,” It is all I can summon for over reacting like a child, he a kind man I can now see that in his eyes. I feel guilty for judging him because of my past.
“Sir is waiting,” I look in the direction of the hotel steps; Alex is watching me at the entrance.
“Why couldn’t he not pick me up?” there I go again speaking aloud.
“He said it be good for you Miss.” I look ed at the driver; this was some sort of sick therapy. I done therapy before I am not going to do it again, there is nothing wrong with me apart from being cautious, Alex grabs my arm.
“Come along slut,” I pull my arm away furiously marching up the steps.
“There you go again thinking you in control, you not Clara you are mine.” He grabs my arm again, with his nails digging into my arm.
“Why is it, you only fight me?” is that true, I think over the last few years he is right anyone who wanted it I fucked freely but I have fought him all the way, I am losing but I still fight.
Alex marches me up through the hotel to the ballroom, then right up to his brother.
“Happy birthday, have fun with her, any trouble just pin her down until she freezes.” He thrusts me into his brother arms and walks away. Laughing as he grabs me as he kisses me, his smoky breath clogging my lungs.
The flash of the camera as his hands grab my arse, I can feel my need to not fight but I summon up the strength to push him away as I slap his face with all I got, he just smiles like he is the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland.
“ Alex said to pin you down,” he flips me over his shoulder as he takes me to the elevator. Why does no one help me? Pinning me to the wall of the car until I stop moving, my tears are the only sign I give that I do not want this, move I beg myself. Why do I go lifeless like this? However, I know why, it was better this way.
He starts kissing me, as he grope d me I start to push at him away as I bite and I slap him then I scream.
“No, stop.” He backs away as he gives me a smile.
“About time Clara,” the doors open to the penthouse where Alex is waiting; He pushes me out as he goes back down in the lift.
“That was sooner than I thought Clara,” What is going on, more therapy?
Alex pulls me into his room, “No,” he laughs.
“I know you can use it on me, but finally you can also use it on others.” I slap him as he goes to kiss me.
“Stop fighting me,” he pins my arms behind my back; I did not stop struggling even when he cuffs me.
“I let you go when you start talking,” pulling me down at his feet.
“Clara, why do you allow men to fuck you as they want too?” my tears of shame fall I do not want to say why but I think I need to admit it to myself.
“Because when he raped me, he hurt me more when I fought back.”
“So you allow whoever wants to fuck you get it over with rather than have them hurt you?”
“Yes,” “Please forgive me.”
“Clara there is nothing to forgive” he kneels down as he holds me
“I just could not watch you fucking anyone who had the guts to just take what they wanted from you.”
“Why is it only me you fight?” I do not know why, so I wrap my arms around his neck.
“Is it because you love me?” I cannot speak of love, my damage makes it hard for people to love me in return, why have your love thrown back in your face.
“Clara, I have loved you for four years, watching you fuck the staff under my nose when you never let men get close to you”
He does not, he is just saying empty words again, and that man whispered the same thing as he hurt me, as he ripped away my innocence and trust, those same words of love on his lips.
“Clara, you are mine until, I see fit to pass you to someone else.” My breath catches as I struggle to breathe; it was still sex nothing more. He tilts my face up as he wipes my eyes.