And tell 'em not to do it any more, more, more.
Said he: "A man's affair
Isn't meant to go in there!"
And his Lordship put his finger on the spot, spot, spot;
But the wicked girls appalled
The nobleman, and called
On God to paralyse each limb they'd got, got, got.
"Your private parts, or cunny,
Should not be let for money,
They're only meant to pee with," did he preach, preach, preach,
His ears he almost doubted,
When the little creatures shouted:
"God blind us into bloody corpses, each, each each!"
"You always should endeavour
To stop a young man ever
On any grounds from creeping up behind, hind, hind."
And this noble thought he dreamed,
When the little creatures screamed:
"God strike us deaf, lame, dumb and blind, blind, blind!"
"You dissembling, bleeding, rotten,
Bloody, cankered, misbegotten
Lump of shit, rubbed over with a little spend, spend, spend!"
The little children cried,
For a cockstand they espied
Within the noble breeches of their friend, friend, friend.
They were tearing down his breeches,
And his bitter cries and screeches,
And his blushes would have melted hearts of snow, snow, snow.
And the little creatures found,
When they dragged him to the ground,
That, while lecturing, he'd shot his noble roe, roe, roe.
FLUNKEYANIA; or BELGRAVIAN MORALS.
by charles.
chapter II.
It was rather late in the afternoon when we arrived home, and I was in my apartment making some slight alteration in my attire before attending my lady at the dinner table, when, enters Justine! Without tapping or giving any other intimation of her approach.
I remonstrated with her, with mock gravity on her great impudence, representing to her that under the present circumstances my attire was grossly disarranged and that there was a great possibility that she might have found me in a state totally unfit to be seen by any young woman whatever.
To which the saucy girl replied that she did not know what state that was, unless I was sewn up to the neck in a strong sack; and even then, she continued, she thought that a loving woman with a sharp pair of scissors might overcome the difficulty and make me a presentable member of society — fit to be seen by herself anyway.
I think I was going to put this experiment to the practical test, and that without the adjuncts of the sack and the scissors, when Justine stopped me by saying that she had a very particular message for me from Her Ladyship.
This appeared to be that I was not to mention to anyone, least of all to the Earl, the circumstances of the Countess's having taken "Miss Courtney for a drive."
"For a ride," said I, correcting her with all possible gravity.
"Well, then, for a ride, if you like, you saucy boy," replied the sweet girl, giving me a slight box on the ear. "You know a great deal too much, sir; but you will promise not to tell Ernest, darling, won't you?"
Now, I was resolved to tease her a little. So I said that really I considered Miss Courtney a very fine girl. That she had given me a couple of sovereigns when she got out of the carriage. That she was just the sort of a girl that I was sure His Lordship would like: tall and long-legged, in fact exactly like a young fellow in girl's clothes. He's very fond of boys and would be delighted in finding Adam's needle instead of Eve's bit of old hat, when he put his hand up her clothes— and I was chafing away at a great rate when my pretty visitor stamped her foot with vexation, and then began to cry!
Of course upon this there was only one thing to do, and that was to comfort my young lady in every way that I could, and I succeeded so well that from sobbing, pouting, pushing me away and calling me a tantalizing, cross wretch, she began to return my kisses after the most approved fashion. Then she clasped me round the neck, sighing on my shoulder and murmuring incoherently all the loving epithets that suggested themselves on the spur of the moment, yielding herself as she did so to the loving clasp of my arms.
Almost undressed as I was, my natural feeling got the better of my discretion. It was too plain what the Countess's soubrette sighed for at the moment, and could any young fellow refuse such an appeal to his gallantry, especially when that engine of love which knows no conscience was bursting with impatience.
My hands raised her clothes as I threw her back on the edge of my bed and for a few minutes we revelled in the delights of love.
When we were getting more composed and able to converse like reasonable beings, I gave Justine willingly enough the promise her mistress had told her to get from me. While she informed me that the Earl was particular, almost to jealousy, of anyone using his beautiful chestnuts, unless they who used them belonged to the family.
I could not help wondering if he would be equally jealous of anyone "using" his beautiful chestnut-haired wife! And whether I was to be considered "one of the family"?
I could not help hinting something to this effect to Justine, in as discreet a way as the object admitted of. And to my surprise instead of being exposed to a lecture, for my brazen impudence, for daring to entertain such ideas, or a storm of jealous reproaches for my cruelty in so thinking of anybody but herself, after what had just passed between us — and that not for the first time — instead of this I received from the faithful femme de chambre no slight encouragement.
She told me that she was sure the Countess was very fond of me. That she had questioned her (Justine) about my private habits, how I looked when in dishabille.
"You see, Ernest," said the arch girl laughingly, "that she supposes that I know all about it."