N.B. — I suppose scratching with cats has the same effect as birching on human beings.
THE LOVER'S KISS.
"Give me, my love, that billing kiss,
I taught you one delicious night,
When, turning epicures in delight,
We tried inventions of bliss.
Come gently steal my lips along,
And let your lips in murmurs move;
Ah, no — again — that kiss was wrong,
How can you be so dull, my love?"
"Cease, cease," the blushing girl replied,
And in her milky arms she caught me;
"How can you thus your pupil chide?
You know 'twas in the dark you taught me!"
AMENITIES OF LEICESTER SQUARE.
Girl to Ponce — Go along, you bloody Mary Ann, and tighten your arse-hole with alum.
English Whore to French Woman — Yah, you foreign bitches can only get a man by promising them a bottom-fuck!
French Woman — Yes, I do let the English gentlemen have my arse-hole but my cunt I do keep for my husband.
TOASTS.
Gent — The first four letters of the alphabet — A Big Cunt Daily.
Lady — In with it, and out with it, and God work his will with it.
MY GRANDMOTHER'S TALE;
or MAY'S ACCOUNT OF HER INTRODUCTION TO THE ART OF LOVE.
From an Unsophisticated Manuscript, Found Amongst the Old Lady's Papers, After Her Death, Supposed to Have Been Written About A.D. 1797
"My dear father," said the young man, "we have the back part of the coach to ourselves and the guard is sitting with the coachman, so we are quite private here. Would it not be a good opportunity for letting this young lady look at your reverend prick?"
"Most certainly, my son," replied the clergyman, unbuttoning his trousers. "I am always ready to please the ladies."
So he pulled out his noble tool, fondly stroking it. "There, Miss, there is something for a man to be proud of, and I am proud to have such a father,"
"I hope you may have just such another someday," I said.
"Thank you, my dear," said he, "I will show you what I have at present."
And he exhibited his own prick. I told him it was as big as he had any reason to expect, and he quite agreed with me and then regretted the fact that our being outside the coach would prevent his father and himself from looking at anything I would like to show them. "But," continued he, "the coach will stop to change horses in a few minutes' time, and then the passengers generally get down and go inside the inn for half-an-hour for refreshments. But my father, the rector, is well known to the landlord and we will ask for a private room and take our refreshments there; and then, Miss Susan, you will have the wished-for opportunity."
By the time he had finished speaking we arrived at the Royal George, and the parson and his son helped me down from the coach, and I soon found myself in an upstairs parlour with them. They told me their journey terminated there, as they had to drive in a gig to their home, five miles distant, and they both begged me to lose no time.
I replied: "I am in your hands, gentlemen! Only don't harm me."
They promised they would not, and the father then raised my clothes, called his son's attention to my white thighs and the pouting lips of my cunt.
Both father and son kissed and sucked it for a few minutes and then the father insisted on his son having a fuck before he had one.
By the time each had finished, the horn blew the warning to get ready. So hastily swallowing a glass of wine, I arranged my clothes and bade them good-bye.
They accompanied me to the coach and this time I was able to get inside, there being one place vacant, and the parson kindly paying the difference in fare.
With mutual farewells the coach started again and I looked at my fellow passengers and found one who appeared young, the other two being grey-haired gentlemen.
They all accosted me very politely and hoped we should have a pleasant journey together.
The young man enquired how far I was going and when I replied to Edinburgh, he expressed his pleasure that we should be going to the same city.
"What a fortunate circumstance," said he, "that you were not travelling by this coach last week."
"How so?"
"Because the notorious Dick Turpin and his gang stopped the coach just a little way from here and robbed the passengers, and used the ladies very cruelly."
"Oh! how you frighten me! Do tell me all about it," said I.
The elderly gentleman opposite now spoke and said:
"I can give you the correct account, for I was one of the passengers and one of the victims, I may say."
"Oh, do tell me if there is any danger of Dick Turpin coming again today?" I asked.
"Not the slightest," said the old gentleman, "and that is the reason why I am travelling again so soon. Besides, I am armed with my horse-pistols."
"Oh," said I, "don't show them to me, I am so terribly frightened! But tell me about the villains."
The old gentleman continued: "It was just about three in the afternoon when, as we were bowling along, as we are now, I heard several horsemen' ride up on each side of the coach and call to the coachman to stop or he should be shot. And two shots were fired at him, and one wounded him, the other broke the lamp.
"Of course the coach was stopped and the robbers then called: 'Stand out and deliver your money and valuables, or you are all dead men.'