The first one who fell into my snares to replace the old financier was a baron, the son of a German wholesale merchant from the city of Hamburg. I do not believe that there was ever a more stupid and disagreeable creature to come out of Germany. He was as tall as a beanpole, bowlegged, a flaming redhead, a high-grade ass and an incurable alcoholic to boot. This 'cavalier,' the hope and idol of his family, traveled around Europe to round out the talents with which Nature had blessed him through contact with those that are commonly referred to as the fairer sex. The only decent house he knew in Paris was that of his banker who had been ordered to pay him as much as he wanted. His only company consisted of two or three spongers who told him whatever they expected he would like, and a few cheap bunnies he had picked up from Madame Lacroix' seraglio.
Monsieur de Gr… M…, who was as much devoted to my interests as his own, was of the opinion that it would be a pity if this pigeon could not be locked up in our cage. He insinuated to the baron that it was almost indecent when a nobleman like himself did not live up to the expectations which his high station in life required of him. Nothing was more en vogue and modern for the man of distinction, and nothing could do more to enhance his honor than to keep a demoiselle from the theater. In a word, it was precisely through such liaisons that our young gentlemen from the better classes and the jurists of any standing acquired their gallant manners and were accepted as bon ton in high society.
The baron was highly pleased with this sensible advice and confessed that he had longed for a love affair with a girl from the Opera and that he would consider himself extremely lucky if I could be the one.
“I'll be blasted!” exclaimed Monsieur de Gr… M-“That is what I call a true display of extremely good taste. It is as if you had lived in Paris for more than ten years! Do you realize that from time immemorial there has not been such an incredibly charming creature ever to grace the stages of Paris? She has been unencumbered for the past month and she cannot make up her mind to whom she will allow the honor to protect her. The poor child is literally besieged with offers. I will take it upon myself to handle your best interests. Between you and me, the only hope I can give you is that I happen to know she has a weakness for those foreign devils. But I also want you to understand that she is not very interested in material things. She is the kind of girl that could easily fall in love with you, provided your behavior toward her is utterly correct. You would not believe me if I told you how much she was devoted to her former lover. And they deserved each other. Nobody has ever seen a nobler and more unselfish couple. She tried in vain to keep her needs secret from him — you must undoubtedly understand that a young and charming lady is invariably in need of a few odds and ends… But he possessed the most amazing discernment and would always find out about it. And then, whenever he paid for it those two would have the most touching quarrels, setting an example for all the world in magnanimity and generosity.”
The baron, who was pleasantly surprised with the laudable commendation about me, begged Monsieur de Gr… M… to bring about an introduction to me as quickly as he possibly could and told him not to regard any cost as an obstacle.
Fully intending to heighten his ardor, I decided not to be in a hurry and let a couple of days pass ere I would notify him of my decision. We finally met for the first time at the Opera during a repeat performance of “Jephta,” where he was greatly honored to be allowed backstage to kiss my hand respectfully. I was not too annoyed that he met me during a repeat performance, because it is on those occasions that the ladies show up in all their splendor, surrounded by the glitter and dignity of their positions, trying their best to make each other jealous by showing off the spendthrift and humiliating foibles of their scatterbrained lovers.
Even though I had only brought one single man to ruination, I already owned a considerable amount of jewelry and many valuable trifles, and was seated among the most important mistresses, which meant that I had my own chair at the side of the orchestra. I had crossed my legs rather carelessly. It was very cold but unfortunately it was customary to be seen in valuable and impressive negliges. Draped in ermine, mink and sable, I kept my feet in a box which was covered with crimson-colored silk and lined with bearskin while its temperature was raised by periodically changing tin bulbs filled with boiling water. In this proud getup I whittled away with a small golden weaver's shuttle, and with a bored expression I looked now and then at my watch and let it ring. I opened and closed all my snuff boxes, one after another, and whisked from time to time a valuable rock-crystal flask under my nose to cure myself of the vapors I did not have. I bent over to say nothing to my colleague in order to give the curious monocles a chance to judge the elegant bearing of my limbs. In short, I committed thousands of naughty and impudent little acts which delighted the simpletons among the audience. Whenever my eyes met someone, who thereupon deeply and respectfully bowed, I could be sure to make him delirious with happiness if I deigned to return his greeting with a hardly recognizable nod.
At this moment of triumph it was very, very difficult for me to remember my first position of employment. The luxury which surrounded me, the obeisance of those who paid me court, had wiped out all of these memories. I believed myself to be a goddess. And how could I have thought otherwise when I was surrounded by the blind adoration and the tokens of precious admiration of the highest ranking personages? Let us be honest about this: it is the men and not we who should be accused of our carefree and spendthrift behavior. Because it is they who distort our sense of values and turn our heads with their miserable submission, their flattery and their inanities. Why shouldn't we indulge, since they give us their example and forget their dignity completely? I cannot help but admit this shame for both parties involved. Our only merit exists mainly in the lecherous fantasies and the perverted tastes of our admirers. Excuse me, my dear girls, for the frankness I have used in this little reprimand. My open-heartedness will not harm your interests and it is far from me to wish such a thing. And as long as there are men in this world, you will never have trouble finding one who will be willingly led by the nose.
But let us return to our baron. I had noticed with much pleasure that my slight attentive-ness toward him had thrown him into the frenzies of ecstatic delight; he had lost his freedom. From the beginning to the end of the performance his eyes were glued to me like a dog on a leash and he seemed to thrive on the contemplation of my many charms. After the performance I allowed him to invite me into his coach, and did him the honor of having supper with him. Monsieur de Gr … M…, who had remained in the theater because of some sort of unfinished business, joined us about a quarter of an hour later. Since I did not want to destroy the glorious picture that he had painted of me to the baron, I remained very reticent throughout the entire evening and I played my act so naturally, pretending to be a tender young maiden, that the poor idiot in all seriousness believed I was capable of such feelings.
Nature has the habit of equalizing the injustice she has wrought in stupid people with a considerable dose of egotism. The more blunt and unsympathetic they are, the more firmly they believe that they are a boon to society. And this was also the weakness of my hero. He did not doubt for one moment that I was as smitten with his charms as he was with mine. And it was a very heavy task for me to make this flattering impression seem true to him. During supper I was a veritable picture of good graces and shy humility. And when he retired, my looks told him that I loved him — he would have sworn upon that — and that I expected him tomorrow between ten and eleven o'clock to drink chocolate with me. (That was the time I had intended to find out exactly how generous he would be.) His arrival was so punctual that I was still in bed when he was announced. I quickly put on my morning robe, and since I did not have to be afraid, like most girls, of being seen in my natural state without having to employ all the tricks of artful make-up and tedious toiletry, I received him in a very simple neglige; however, with all the little hypocrisies and commonplaces which are expected on such occasions.
“Oh, but my dear baron, is that really nice to surprise people so unexpectedly? But my dear God, what time is it? Your watch must be fast, it could not possibly be eleven o'clock. Oh, dear Lord have pity upon me. It is all my fault. Oh, I really hate myself for this. I am terrible… awful, am I not? Oh, you may as well admit it. Oh, how awful that you have to catch me red-handed with my untidiness. But I want you to know that I have not slept a wink since last night. Right now, this very moment, I have the most terrible migraine; it is driving me to distraction. But it does not matter, the joy to see you again will surely make it go away. Come, Lisette, be quick. Serve the chocolate. And don't forget, I don't want it too thin.”
My orders were carried out quickly. And while our noses inhaled the sweet aroma which permeated the entire mansion, and we sipped from the delicious, frothy liquid, I was told that my jeweler wanted to see me.
“What? Why, these terrible interruptions!” I exclaimed. “Don't you know that I am not at home to anybody? Oh, these servants, it makes absolutely no difference to them what the instructions are, they always want it their own way. It makes me furious… But, if you don't mind, my dear baron, now I am really curious to find out what he wants. Lisette, show the gentleman in… Ah, good morning, my dearest Monsieur de la Frenaye! If I may ask, what brings you here so early in the day? How is your business? I make a bet that you have something you want to show me.”
“Madame,” he answered, “allow me to interrupt you. Since I happened to be in the neighborhood, I took the liberty to presume that you might want to see this beautiful cross which was ordered by the wife of a banker from the Place Vendome. And without wanting to be presumptuous, I may say that it is one of the most delicate and precious pieces of jewelry that has ever been made.”
“You are really very courteous, Monsieur de la Frenaye, not to forget your friends. I really appreciate this token of your attentiveness. So allow me to have a look at it, since you seem to be so proud of it… Oh, Baron, look how beautiful! This setting is simply gorgeous. I have hardly ever seen such a beautiful piece of jewelry. Look at those stones, aren't they cut with a perfect brilliance? Don't you think that their sparkle is almost magical? Those impudent banker's wives nowadays wear such a beautiful thing and display a grandeur which is neither becoming nor fitting for them. To be very frank with you, I think it is a shame that a woman of that kind should own such a splendid jewel… Please, do tell me, how much is it worth?”
“Madame,” answered de la Frenaye, “it is 8,000 francs and that is as low as I can go.”
“If I had the money,” I went on, “I simply could not stand the idea that you were to take it out of my house again.”
“But you know, Madame, that everything I have can be yours at your beck and call. For less than you believe…”
“No! Absolutely not. It is not my habit to buy on credit.”
The baron, who, as I had anticipated, was delighted to find such a beautiful opportunity to pay me court, took the cross, paid the jeweler immediately 60 louis d'or in cash and wrote a promise to pay the remainder the next day. I played the part of the girl who is upset because she is modest and unselfish, up to the hilt.
“Now, really, dear Baron, that is the height of absurdity! That is truly overstepping the boundaries of generosity. I will be very frank with you. You did not give me any pleasure with such a gesture. I believe there is nothing wrong with accepting some small knick-knacks from somebody one likes and to whom a girl is dearly attracted; but, honestly… this is too much! I really cannot make up my mind whether I should accept this.”
While I said these things, the dunce hung the cross around my neck, whereupon I went into my bedroom, deeply in thought. He followed me. And without making him drool too long, I allowed him to cash in on my gratitude at the foot of my bed for the 8,000 francs he had just spent; without losing the illusion of my natural tenderness so that the blockhead firmly believed I liked him for his good characteristics and my attraction for his person rather than for the beautiful gift I had so cunningly wheedled out of him.
I had informed Monsieur de Gr… M… the previous night about my intentions to give the purse of my noble suitor a thorough bloodletting, and he did not fail to show up that afternoon to accept a gift of a beautiful golden snuff box a la Maubois as his broker's fee. Since he did not have to go to the Opera that night, we had dinner together. And both of us had good reason to be very satisfied with our finished business. Cheer was the main course of our dinner. The baron was in such a good mood that he kept paying us his Germanic compliments in the most monstrously mangled language. But the constant wetting of his throat took away the last remnants of what little sound mind he had and we finally had to send him on his way, drunk as a Lord, to his own home.
After this successful test of his generosity, I thought that I would do much better if I did not attach myself to him completely but kept up my role of the passionate woman carrying a torch. This behavior of mine was far more successful than I had dared dream. The month had hardly passed ere I was in possession of a complete service, including all the flatware. Even though it will always remain true that foreign generosities cause hostility rather than gratitude, the friendly act I had to perform almost daily nearly caused me to seriously fall in love with the baron. Habit breeds intimacy, if I may paraphrase, and one becomes accustomed to the slight faults of people who are our daily acquaintances. Even though my German baron was terribly foul-mouthed and stupid, I deemed him gradually less unsympathetic. But, suddenly, a terrible impropriety he committed made him irrevocably repulsive to me.
As I have mentioned before, he was in the habit of drinking quite a lot. And unfortunately he felt himself more attracted to me whenever he was in that condition. So after we had spent one day in a rather uncommunicative manner and I had decided to go to bed after dinner, the stupid glutton stumbled over the door step, lost his equilibrium and fell flat on his face on my parquet floor. In his condition that tumble could not have been harmless and when they tried to lift him up, he did not move and his face was covered with blood. If I had had the opportunity to faint, I would not have hesitated to do so. But he needed help badly so I decided instead to run into my dressing room, and I returned with three or four bottles.
Since I believed the damage to be more serious than it was in reality, I was not just satisfied with washing his face and rinsing his mouth. I also wanted to administer a teaspoonful of wonderwater. But the dirty bum had barely tasted a few drops of it ere he started to heave, and threw up three quarters of his dinner right in my face. I could try in vain, since I would not be able to describe this disgusting scene, so let it suffice to say that I almost heaved blood, that I had to change gowns and almost used four louis d'or worth of perfumes and creams to cleanse myself. I was so furious that I had him thrown out of my home and gave his manservant the message that he could tell his Master never to set foot in my house again.
When the baron, upon awakening the next morning, found out what had happened and received the message I had given him, he nearly went out of his mind. He wrote me several letters but I refused to accept them. Finally he realized that a visit to Monsieur de Gr… M… was his last resort. And by doing so, our pigeon had delivered himself into the talons of a hawk. That shrewd panderer did not dream of alleviating the baron's fears. Instead, he accused him of criminal behavior and decided that there was simply not one single ground for attaining my forgiveness. The poor, utterly devastated baron cried, howled, groaned and made such a complete fool of himself that Monsieur de Gr… M… began to fear that the man would be dumb enough to hang himself, in which case we would have been left holding the bag. He therefore deemed it wiser to change his pitch.
“You have an affair with the nicest, kindest most forgiving girl in the world,” he told the baron, “and that may be the saving grace in your case. Even though the insult you committed toward her is almost unbelievable, I have no doubt that your true penitence and humility will not fail to soften her heart sooner or later. I have good reason to believe this, because I happen to know that she is hopelessly in love with you and that the certain pride with which she arms herself is merely because she deems it improper to show you her true feelings. Nevertheless, she always fails completely in keeping up her guard all the time, and in those instances she invariably decides in your favor. Why, just yesterday… no, no, let me finish… Yesterday, I said, she was unable to keep back her tears when I happened to mention your name. She even confessed to me that she had never met anybody, no matter who it might have been, who had caused her to love so tenderly as you did. You can be assured: the poor child has not slept more than four hours altogether since you two had your little quarrel. And do you really want to know how much bad luck she is suffering? While she is about to collapse under the burden of her grief — which you caused her to suffer — some asinine decorator wants to sell her furniture for a pittance because she owes him two thousand thaler.”
“Vivat!” exclaimed the baron while he embraced him. “Without realizing it, you have just offered me the most wonderful opportunity to make my peace with her. I insist upon taking over her debts. Tomorrow morning I will pay that scoundrel, or he will find himself without any more clients in all of Paris.”
“I'll be…” retorted Monsieur de Gr… M… “That is a marvelous thought. Though the idea is so simple, it wouldn't have occurred to me in a hundred years! But it is truly worthy of a noble gentleman like yourself and a boon to the darling creature that inspired you to it. Yes I fully agree with you. It is well nigh impossible to think of a better way to conquer her grudge against you. She is far too tenderhearted not to be touched to the very depths of her sweet soul by the nobility of such a generous gesture. I would advise you to get the money as quickly as possible and return to me immediately. I will take care of the rest.”
Well, the sacrificial lamb was in so much of a hurry that de Gr… M… brought him to me the very next day, carrying two hundred and fifty beautiful new louis d'or. At the melodious sound of these gold coins a river of tears sprang up in my eyes and the whole situation became so melodramatic that the baron bleated like a sheep. Our reconciliation was so touching that I almost fainted because of a laughing fit.
One has to be as phlegmatic as de Gr… M… to watch a ridiculous scene like that with a stone face. After the heart-rending manner in which we made up for our little disagreement, the love and generosity of the baron became so great that I could have taken him for all he was worth had it not been for his upright father who had been informed from time to time about the most unusual invoices his dear son was paying. And one day this man arrived from Paris to personally tear the refugee Adonis from Hamburg out of my embraces.