Among the enormous number of lamebrains was a banker with a rather blemished complexion, but of a tall build, who whispered with incredible daring the most unspeakable obscenities into my ears. These stupidities could only be the inventions of a demented mind. And an old, toothless commander — a real flatterer who would be capable of making even the most boring people fall asleep — tried his best to make me fall for his reddish, charming little slit-eyes by repeating an uncounted number of lines and phrases from the Roman d'Astree. Seated at some distance from these two champion roosters was a younger generation of idiots who threw passionate glances in my direction and whispered so softly to one another that their carefully phrased compliments made me dizzy. I was enchanting, a divine beauty, I surpassed the angels and my glitter was more brilliant than the stars. And whenever I looked in their direction, they glanced demurely at their fingertips to convince me of the sincerity of their remarks concerning my charms and to make sure that I would understand they were not meant to be overheard by me.
And the more I thought about so much impudence, the more I was tempted to believe that either creatures like us had an incredible magnetic influence or that men had to be utterly blind beings. But, however this may be, the ridiculous desire, which is rampant throughout France, to have an affair with a girl from the theater rather than with the women of the kingdom who fully deserve male attention by right of birth or merit, is widespread and has become a symbol of status. Is it possible that such shortsightedness can be ascribed to mere vanity, to the ridiculous desire to be talked about? It really seems to me that our existence gives substance to the lives of our lovers. Even though many of them do not distinguish themselves from the masses, even if they bring themselves to ruin — the moment they let themselves in with one of us, they can no longer be ignored. They have become men a la mode. How many despicable leaseholders would have gone through life completely unnoticed if they had not taken part in our piracies and embezzlements. It is we that pull these people out of their obscurity and give them a halo of fame, and who consecrate their names with the incredible amounts of money we make them spend on us. Is not the fame of Duliz entirely due to Mademoiselle Pelissier? And it is without doubt this incomparable siren who has enriched our courtly status with the history of this famous Israelite. Thanks to the number of diamonds she swindled out of him and thanks to all the adventures which were a direct result of this, his memory will live on throughout eternity. It is not only enough to know that such an incredibly wealthy man really existed, it is far better to have the knowledge that the wretched devil, so to speak, died in the poorhouse on a straw bed. This is the fabulous fame one can acquire: utter ruination through frequently visiting us. Of course, it has its compensations — public renown and the inner delight of having created a stir in respectable society. But, let us return to my own story.
For more than three weeks I had tried to refresh my blood with a brew made out of strawberry roots, sea urchins and saltpeter, when my milliner advised me that I could make use of the services of a member of the ecclesiastical authorities. Even though I felt hale and hearty at that time, I was not yet convinced of having been fully cured and I was still in doubt whether my rosebush could be approached without the danger of being stung by a possible thorn.
If it had been a member of the laity with whom I had been required to enter into an affair, it would not have bothered my conscience one whit to leave it up to fate and have him run the risk of regretting our get-together. But since it concerned a priest, my only concern was to clean him out thoroughly without laying myself open to the possibility of the occurrence of any incidents. Because it takes a thief to catch a thief.
Since it is these gentlemen's profession to impress people in everything, using the hypocritical veil of Christian and moral virtues, moreover, since these devout papists are willing to preach to us for one single franc those matters which they would not do themselves for a hundred-thousand, in a word, since the swindlers of this world do not offer their services with any other goal in mind than to fatten themselves upon the fruits of hard labor and then derisively laugh about our tremendous expenses, I firmly believed I would render a service rather than commit a crime if I accidentally were to give such a person a reason and an opportunity to complain about my behavior. Therefore, after careful consideration, I decided to be willing and ready to receive his attentions. I had also firmly made up my mind to relieve him — if at all possible — of everything, including his last clerical collar.
Just imagine some kind of a satyr, as shaggy as Lycaon, whose puffy and haggard looks betrayed a sensual temperament and a failing will to abstinence which was clearly shown in his features, where sheer lust shone through his hypocritically veiled gaze… But, let us not finish his portrait because I am afraid that my quill would not do him justice and a malicious reader might draw the wrong conclusions. I never had expected from a man of the cloth the gallantry he showed me. It was as graceful and elegant as one of those repeater watches made by Julien le Roi, full of incredibly intertwined dainty and decorative ornaments, sprinkled here and there with pearls and diamonds. I must admit, upon my word of honor, that I had never seen a member of the clergy who was a better example of the exception to the famous rule, “Every good priest is a poor man.” On the contrary, he was such a stupid spendthrift that it did not take me more than two weeks before he had to start selling his indulgences for one thousand louis a piece. He was just the man who would have sold out the entire clergy just to please me, if I had not given him the message that I was ill and indisposed. When the truth sank in, his love for me turned into blind fury and it would not have taken much more to push him over the brink and have him commit an assault upon me. I therefore sought refuge in the brazen boldness to which the women of my profession are so well-versed. I talked to him so firmly that he was thunderstruck. I told him in no uncertain terms that I considered it a hazardous undertaking to insult me in such a shameless manner. It would do him justice if I had him thrown out of my window. The only thing he could possibly accuse me of, was my weakness for him. I moreover added that I had found out — to my utter surprise — how true the rumors were about people of his rank and standing; that I now had found out for myself how fully they deserved their horrible reputation of debauchees and libertines. I held that he might conceivably be used to that certain breed of women which dwells in houses of ill-repute. I also mentioned that, if it were not for that little bit of pity I still had for his unfortunate person, I would not hesitate to call in the authorities and have him arrested on the spot. And I made it plain that I had enough influence in certain circles to have him put away in a place where he could spend the remainder of his days in penance and chastisement to correct the vile ways in which he was wasting his earthly life.
This short and severe preaching had the effect I desired. The stricken spreader of the Gospel was so flabbergasted and so humiliated that he disappeared without uttering another sound. And I have never heard from him since. I hope that this may serve as a lesson for other gentlemen of the Church, and teach them that ingratitude, contempt and shame are usually the repercussions for their scandalous behavior. They have to be constantly on their guard and be very careful in their behavior if they want to command respect. It has become fairly well known that purity of morals and a virtuous way of life do not depend at all upon the clothes that are worn, and that the passions of lust rage with equal strength under the robes of the inhabitants of a monastery as they do in the trousers of worldly men. But a man of the world can do things which a priest cannot get away with. The latter is bound to a moral standard of living from which the other is allowed a certain freedom. It is the duty of a priest to at least keep up the pretense. He will have to hide his lusts and desires under a mask of virtue and devotion. It is his main duty to attract the attention of the others by going through the motions of the tenets of Christianity. These duties should take up all of his time and it would be impossible to expect more from him since that would be opposing the demands of Nature. It is up to Her and not to him to work miracles. The man of the Church must also avoid, at any and all cost, laying himself open to ridicule. In all his public dealings he should behave himself as if he had the entire situation under control. After all, that is what he gets paid for. And now, let us leave him in peace.