Susan finally decided to join her husband in the big double bed in their cabin. She had stayed in the bathroom as long as possible, trying to put off the moment when she would have to go to bed. She had stayed in there examining her face and figure, and also examining her conscience for signs of despair. She had brushed her long red hair out, letting it fan over her shoulders the way her Jamie used to like it… but, she reminded herself grimly in the mirror… that was in the days when he used to look at you!
He was acting so strangely recently, and now the trip to his family for the reunion instead of helping as she had hoped, had only made things worse between them… much worse! Sometimes she could hardly recognize the man she married in the tense features and terse attitudes of the Livingston's elder child.
"He's making me feel like I'm dirt!" she thought. "Like I don't exist! I just can't take any more of it!" She adjusted her nightgown so that more of the deep cleaveage of her golden tan breasts would show. They rose and fell as she breathed heavily, and the light dusting of freckles across the tops of the creamy orbs seemed to expand and contract with each breath. She wore a deep green nylon gown that brought out the sea-green color of her eyes, and once more she told herself she looked beautiful. But each day of telling herself this had gotten harder and harder, and she fully blamed her husband for what she had been forced to do.
"Yes," she thought once more, "it was tantamount to being forced into it. I've never even thought about anything shameful like that before… If I hadn't been so overwrought, I certainly wouldn't have done it. And all those drinks I've been having… that's his fault too! This has got to stop! Tonight has got to work!"
She realized that her forbidden embraces with Tricia the day before had little to do with her real personality… somehow the drinks and the fact that Tricia was Jamie's sister had confused her… it was as though she was somehow getting closer to her husband by being intimate with his sister! But why she wondered, had Tricia responded? And then she remembered the confession that her sister-in-law had made to her… that her marriage to Ike wasn't working out at all. Tricia, too, had been upset… It was not herself alone!
Susan felt the tears starting again and tried to stop them before her mascara ran and she looked frightful. Everything had to be just perfect if she wanted Jamie to make love to her tonight! But the knowledge that she carried hidden inside her about Tricia and her father was so horrible that she wondered what they were all coming to! She was really sorry that Jamie had decided to stay another week at Livingston's because she could hardly look John Livingston in the face, much less Tricia! But she clung to the thought that if she could make things right again with her husband, then everything in the world might turn out right again!
They would go back home and there would be no more arguments in front of little Nancy… no more screaming and yelling at each other. They would do things together the way they used to… go to movies, or just stay home and watch the late show… and best of all she would once more know the wonderful feeling of being wanted… of being desired by her husband. Was that asking too much?
She gave herself one last inspection, approved of what she saw, and flicked out the bathroom light. She entered the small cabin bedroom on tiptoe, almost holding her breath. Jamie lay in bed, so still that at first, Susan thought her husband was asleep. But she could see that his eyes were open and he was staring straight up at the ceiling. A breath of fear flitted through her. She didn't know why she was so afraid of him at times. There was something very cold about the way he looked and acted that at times reminded her of Nazi's in the movies. As a little girl she had shivered in delight at their pale Germanic features. Perhaps, she thought, that was what had first attracted her to Jamie… his straight blonde hair… his deep strong voice and definite ideas.
"God… how I still love him!" she thought, momentarily panic stricken to realize exactly how dependent she was upon him for her happiness.
"Jamie?" she said quietly, walking toward the bed.
"Yes?" Jamie replied without looking at her, his lips barely moving as he continued to stare up at the ceiling.
"What is it?"
Susan sat on the bed beside him. The low monotone of his voice was far from comforting, and she faltered slightly.
"I… I just wanted to talk to you…"
"What about?"
Susan gathered up all her courage and plunged in. "About anything Jamie… about anything at all!!! Do you realize that we hardly ever talk any more… we hardly ever do anything! I thought it would be better once we came here… but it's not… You've been acting so strange Jamie… SO STRANGE… I hardly know you. It's like living with a complete stranger!"
"Oh, for God's sake!" Jamie said under his breath.
"Jamie… Ijust want you to look at me… just look at me!" Susan could hear the strident tone of her voice, and she wished desperately that she had been able to maintain her calm knowing that Jamie would not respond well to her yelling… But it was too late, and she could no longer control herself.
She was shaking as Jamie turned slowly, leveling his cool blue eyes on her.
"Well…" he said deliberately… "I'm looking… what do you want?"
Susan burst into tears and sat sobbing helplessly beside her husband. "Oh, please… Jamie…" she cried, "Oh, please don't! don't do this to me!"