"By Dis and by Saint Charity.
Alack, and fie for shame!
Young men will do't, if they come to't;
By God they are to blame.
Quoth she, before you tumbled me.
You promised me to web:
So would I ha' done, by yonder sun,
An thou hadst not come to my bed."
As I intend only speaking of those little adventures in which I have been engaged with the fair sex, it would be superfluous were I to enter into a tedious detail of my parentage, schoolboy pranks, or other tittletattle foreign to my present subject; I shall therefore commence with an incident well calculated to prove how absolutely impossible it is ever to erase a first impression from the youthful mind. The circumstance I allude to occurred when I was in the seventh or eighth year of my age; my parents had just finished breakfast, the table was not yet clear of the equipage, and I was standing before the first enjoying the luxury of a plate of well-buttered toast-a treat my father would not indulge me with but on extraordinary occasions. I remember my father was more than usually jocular that morning, and I was ordered by him not to move from the spot where I stood until he called me.
Now follows a striking instance of how very cautious parents ought to be before they indulge in certain pleasant freaks in the presence of children.
I had not stood many minutes in the position I have already mentioned, before the quick sound of half-suppressed emotion, which proceeded from the farthest end of the apartment, caused me to turn my head to the direction from whence they proceeded; the glance was but momentary-my eyes instantly withdrew themselves from the object that met their view, while a burning blush ran like lightning through every tiny vein; a feeling, for which I could not then account, seemed to overpower me. I stood trembling-wishing, yet not daring, to take another glance; yet never, never shall I forget what I that morning saw.
At length my mother caught my stealthy sidelong glance, and quickly rising, she hastily advanced towards me and started me off to school, at the same time chiding my father for his stupid folly, as she called it.
But the object I had contemplated still haunted my imagination, and I was constantly contrasting the trifling affairs I saw at school with the picture I had seen on so grand a scale.
But nothing could exceed the pride I felt when, as I waded through the mud-stained pool, I saw that I excelled some older boys in certain points. And now the day-dreams of a youthful imagination filled my soul with undefined sensations; and often when the glare of broad day disturbed my fairy visions of delight, I have almost cried with sheer vexation.
Behold me now eleven years of age, and Miss Venetia J- but just turned ten, yet taller than myself, with features beautifully moulded, and light and flowing locks in graceful curls adorning her lovely shoulders; her parents inhabited the next house to that occupied by mine, and very frequently would they chat together. I never failed on these occasions of seizing every opportunity to make myself agreeable to the charming Venetia, and was tolerably successful. Often have I climbed the garden wall to have a game of romps with her I really thought my soul adored. But still my curiosity remained ungratified. I longed, yet feared, I should offend by asking such a favour; until one day, having been taken by some of my father's visitors to Bartholomew Fair, the scenes I there beheld so delighted my boyish fancy, that the next morning, having coaxed my fond mother to let me have some bed-furniture, I erected in the garden what appeared to me a most magnificent theatre, when I must needs invite my most intimate schoolfellow to partake my pleasure. Master William had likewise prevailed on a young girl, the daughter of a neighbour, to accompany him, and after performing a variety of gambols, similar to those exhibited by the showman the preceding evening, Master Billy, who, by the bye, knew much more of the nature of fairs than I did, exclaimed, "All in to begin!" We accordingly crept under cover, and Billy began to kiss and tousle his partner most heartily, she being not able to resist his ardour in consequence of her being overcome by convulsive peals of laughter.
For my part, I was so completely lost in admiration of his conduct, that I did not perceive the absence of Venetia, but no sooner was I convinced of her departure, than I immediately went in pursuit of her, and fortunately perceived her at the moment she was entering a little temple at the extreme end of the garden. I paused for a moment, uncertain how to act, till calling to mind how faintly Billy's lass had resented his freedom I resolved to be equally bold; thus determined, I stole gently to the door, which she had not taken the precaution to fasten, and entering, seized her in my arms and despite of her struggling nearly stifled her with kisses; till at length I had-satisfied my curiosity.
Miss Venetia was, or affected to be, exceedingly indignant at the freedom with which I had treated her, and forcing herself from my embrace, left me with these words: "I am ashamed of you; what do you think my mamma will say when she hears how impudent you have been?" But, as mamma never lectured me on the subject, and I was allowed the same freedoms more than once afterwards, I had every reason to believe that the sweet girl was of too forgiving a temper to bring trouble upon one whose only fault was a desire to improve himself in the mysteries of nature, with an earnest intention of imparting his knowledge to her on the earliest convenient opportunity.
To what lengths I might have been carried had I continued near the dear girl I will not presume to say; but my father dying about this time, and my mother finding it necessary to retire from the cares of housekeeping, I had no further opportunities of pursuing my natural studies with my charming Venetia, whom I left with feelings of regret.
Nature having favoured me with what my friends were pleased to call a very melodious voice, which developed itself at an early age, and being from my infancy extravagantly fond of music, capable even when four years old of singing several songs with some little taste, my mother was in consequence continually importuned by her acquaintances to attend all their small parties, and being, like most indulgent parents, proud of the praises lavished on her darling child, she seldom refused those invitations.
This of course instilled into my mind an early love of gaiety and company, which was the means of bringing me the acquaintance of several blooming girls, with whom I would very willingly have pursued those studies from nature which I had so pleasantly commenced with the fair Venetia; but the fear of not being equally successful deterred me.
About two years after our separation, I was introduced to Mr. H-ll upon whom, as he was partial to my singing, scarcely a day passed in which I did not call. But neither Mr. nor Mrs. H. was the magnet that attracted me thither. I had more than once observed, listening at the door whilst I was singing, a tall, good-looking girl, about fourteen years of age, who lived as servant with Mrs. H. On the occasions alluded to, she always appeared particularly delighted, a consciousness of which made me soon prefer the kitchen to the parlour.
Calling one evening when Mr. and Mrs. H. were engaged on business, I followed the charming girl downstairs, where I requested permission to wait till they were at liberty.
I saw, or fancied I saw, evident marks of satisfaction in the face of young Mary, as she very readily handed me a chair. Observing a book lying upon the table I took it up and found that it was the History of a Magdalen; and sup posing she had been reading it, I begged she would not suffer me to disturb her, and at the same time presenting her the book, I drew my chair closer, and said, "As I am myself very fond of reading, I will, with your permission, look over the pages with you."
I soon perceived, however, that her thoughts were not entirely fixed on the book, which she soon closed and, turning to me, remarked how delighted she had been the evening before with a song she had heard me sing; and having named it, I began, in my very best mannerMy heart with love is beating; and, as a reward, clasped her round the waist and stole a kiss from her pouting lips, she making but a slight resistance.
I now drew my chair still closer, and turning the conversation to the book before mentioned, found an opportunity of remarking, "What a number of those unfortunate females were then living in the neighbourhood."
Wishing her to think me more of a man than I really was, I repeated this speech, which I had heard in conversation a few days before, with an air which seemed to imply a more extensive knowledge of the subject than I really possessed, but I was greatly surprised at her answering, "There is, indeed; and I was very near being made one myself. I became acquainted with a young girl, who it seems was no better than she should be; but my mother, seeing us together, gave me a severe beating and desired me never to be seen in such company again."
I now began to suspect that my fair companion knew more than she chose to confess; and, drawing her lips close to mine, I stopped her breath with the ardour and rapidity of my kisses. She struggled, and declared that unless I remained quiet, she would leave the room.
However, this threat did not deter me; I found her struggles grow weaker and weaker every moment, and was satisfied that her anger was mere affectation.
Emboldened by this thought, I proceeded to still greater liberties.
Plunging my right hand beneath her bodice I laid a firm but gentle grasp upon her left breast, pressing and moulding it tenderly, while now and again I touched the nipple with an amorous finger. Her lovely bosom heaved wildly at my rude attack; she shuddered, apparently at my violence, yet no angry word escaped her lips; but, when she found that I was endeavouring to make further encroachments, with a sudden effort she released herself from my embrace.
I trembled with emotion; and though I expected a repulse I follow her.
She sinks into a chair, and with her hands conceals her lovely face. I fall upon my knees and crave forgiveness. I seize her hand with the most indescribable emotion; I beg but one kind word to seal my pardon — which she refuses! Ah! can I believe my senses? She smiles upon, me!
Her hand-oh, transport! — now returns the pressure! In a moment after, I forgot my promise and need forgiveness more than ever. She shakes with apprehension.
"For mercy's sake! I'll call my mistress! I'll-"
But I turned a deaf ear to her entreaties and pressed her still closer to my breast; vainly she endeavoured to extricate herself from my embrace; till at length, finding every effort useless, she abandoned the attempt; a flood of tears flowed from her beauteous eyes, she threw her arms around my neck, and her head sunk gently upon my shoulder.
As if by instinct my hand wandered up her petticoats, and by way of her slender ankle, swelling calf and rounded thighs, passed swiftly to the door of the temple of love which at once opened and closed upon the entering stranger.
Thus we remained several minutes, in a dream of blissful insensibility; and notwithstanding my conviction that my happiness, great as I imagined it to be, was yet capable of increase, I sought not to pursue the advantage I had gained; I understood not the precise nature of the end which I wished to gain, and although my kisses were returned with fervour, the virtue of the blooming Mary remained pure as before my ardent declaration of love. It was certainly not my forbearance that she had to thank, but my entire ignorance of the why and the wherefore. I understood that something more was wanting to complete my happiness, but knew not how to secure the phantom of my boyish dreams. Nature, however, is a kind instructress, and I have no doubt would have solved the problem in a few minutes more, when suddenly the parlour door unclosed and Mary was called up to clear the supper table.
Thus did my evil genius interpose and dashed the cup of happiness from my lips before I had tasted of its sweetness. I know not whether Mary had grown more cautious or that her mistress suspected my intention, but certain it is that although my visits were constantly repeated I never found an opportunity of completing my conquest.
It would be tedious to enumerate the various adventures I met with at this period, which were interrupted in a similar manner to the one just mentioned. So frequently did they occur that I began to despair of ever being made supremely blessed, and thought that fate itself conspired against my happiness.
Previous to relating my next adventure it will be necessary to observe that my mother had become acquainted with a young widow; she had a daughter some two years younger than myself who was really a very beautiful girl. They took apartments in our house, but in consequence of mother giving up housekeeping, the acquaintance was discontinued, till one day meeting the daughter by chance she insisted on my calling on mamma, who expressed great delight at seeing me.
At parting I gave her my address and the acquaintance was renewed even more intimately than before.
I was now fourteen years old, and Jane had just turned twelve, but was to all appearance quite as old as myself; her mother was nearly thirty, but a beautiful shape and a youthful countenance made her appear not more than twenty-five.
Miss Jane appeared to my admiring fancy the very person I should in a few years select for a wife; and this being my determination, I was, as may be supposed, absent from their dwelling as seldom as possible; in fact, I could go nowhere without my dear Jane accompanying me, and few lads of my age saw more company abroad. My voice and judgment had greatly improved, so much so, that Mr. W-ll, an eminent musicmaster, had, on hearing me sing, offered to procure me an engagement at one of the patent theatres, which offer, not according with the wishes of my mother, was rejected. Notwithstanding this, I was continually complying with the solicitations of professional gentlemen to sing at their concerts, etc., at most of which Jane was my constant companion.
On those evenings when I had no musical engagements I invariably visited the widow and her amiable daughter, and now I began to perceive that the widow herself became more pointed in her attentions to me, which increased at every meeting. She was a passionate admirer of music, and was continually entreating me to sing; on these occasions I frequently, in the midst of a song, observed her eyes fixed steadfastly on my face, while the tears flowed plentifully down her cheeks; and more than once she pressed my hand and wished that I was older; upon my innocently inquiring the cause, she would waive the subject; at other times she would gaze upon the portrait of her late husband, and afterwards gazing upon me, remark the striking likeness I bore to him, and saying that that alone was sufficient to make her love me more than all the world besides.
I now began to suspect that it would be my own fault if I did not improve these hints to my own advantage. I have before observed, that although nearly thirty, she looked much younger, possessing a beautiful face and figure, and when you add to these attractions the powerful vanity of a boy, not yet fifteen, to find himself beloved by a fine woman, no one will wonder at my determination to take advantage of the sentiments the widow entertained towards me.
Thus resolved, I seized an opportunity, when she expressed her regret that I was so very young, to ask why that should be a cause of sorrow to her. It would be impossible to describe the confusion that seemed to overwhelm her at this question. She endeavoured to change the subject, but I was not to be diverted from my purpose. Finding me so resolutely bent on receiving an answer, no longer hesitating, she threw her arms around my neck and, laying her head on my shoulder, acknowledged that she loved me tenderly and felt dreadfully unhappy at the conviction that the difference of our ages prevented even a momentary hope that I could ever become her husband.
I endeavoured to convince her that the difference of a few years was of little consequence to happiness; and that, had I but the means of maintaining a wife, I knew no woman I should prefer to her; although, heaven knows, I had but little thought of matrimony in reality. But how easily we are persuaded to believe what we wish.
She told me that her father-whom I knew to be immensely rich, although from family disagreements he now withheld his bounty from her, his once favourite daughter — would, she had no doubt, when he heard of her determination to marry, do something for her.
The ice being thus broken, we indulged in certain little familiarities without restraint. Jane was now sent to an evening school in order that we might be more frequently alone, and was generally despatched to her bedchamber shortly after her return; when the widow, with her head reclining on my shoulder, or her cheek, and sometimes her lips glued to mine, would suffer me to finger her swelling breasts, and then would strain me to her heart, and stifle me with kisses; beyond this all was perfect innocence.