However, while I pretended to perceive nothing particular in his manner, I welcomed him most cordially; and having succeeded without difficulty in obtaining a pass for him we joined the ladies, and Mr. S. immediately resigned Mrs. E. to her fond and gentle husband's kind protection. The loving couple fell behind, and Emma offering me her vacant arm, we continued our rambles through the gardens, followed at some distance by Mr. and Mrs. E.
Knowing the disposition of the man so well, I had no doubt but that he kept in the rear for the purpose of annoying his wife by destroying what little pleasure she might otherwise have enjoyed; while the better to impose upon us, as we occasionally turned to see if they were still following, he assumed a look of cheerfulness, but which sat so badly on his ill-favoured countenance that it could be easily detected by the most inexperienced observer. My suspicions were shortly confirmed, for now, in an increased tone of voice, we heard the lady exclaim, "This is the way in which you always treat me; and let the consequences be what they may, I will not walk with you a moment longer."
Without waiting for his reply she broke from his arm, and running with the fleetness of an alarmed fawn when pursued by the hunters, she rejoined our little party; in a moment her husband came up to us, when S. and his wife endeavoured to restore amity between them, but in vain; the fact is that her little heart was bursting with jealousy at witnessing the commonplace attentions courtesy compelled me to pay Mrs. S., and she had secretly determined, at all hazards, not to quit my side again that evening; so when with a coaxing look he again offered her his arm, she threw it from her with an angry look of ineffable disdain, and turning to me said, "Perhaps, Mr. -, you will have the kindness to escort me home?"
I at first appeared to hesitate, and even solicited her to be reconciled to her husband, adding that no doubt it was all owing to some trifling misunderstanding, to which she replied, "No matter, sir, since you refuse my request I will walk home alone-'tis not the first time by many."
She was turning away with that intention when, taking her arm and placing it in mine, I advanced towards E., saying jocosely, "Well, Mr. E., you see how matters stand, and as I should be sorry to incur a charge of want of gallantry, I certainly feel myself bound to obey a lady's command. Say, have I your consent?"
"Oh, with all my heart," answered he. "I suppose she must have her own way."
He then, endeavouring to assume a look of indifference, took the vacant arm of Mrs. S., leaving me in undisputed possession of Bessy for the remainder of the evening; who, regardless of the threatening glances her husband occasionally cast upon her, seemed determined to make up for her previous mortification and allow nothing to ruffle her spirits; she chatted and laughed incessantly and, encouraged no doubt by the promise I had made previous to E.'s arrival, gave free vent to her naturally lively disposition; and, as we sometimes lost sight of our companions amid the leafy gloom of the surrounding foliage, would express the delightful sensations of her soul by pressing fervent kisses on my lips; and, inspired by the influence of a few glasses of wine which I had prevailed on her to take during the evening, she whispered, as I clasped her in my arms and fingered the nipples of her swelling breasts, "Oh, for ten minutes alone together, to have you between my legs just once! Give me your hand, beloved, feel how it pouts for you!
Oh, for a touch of your tongue, or even one thrust from this dear thing which throbs under my hand! Slip your tongue into my mouth-all of it-and leave it there, against mine. So!"
A long and delicious kiss ensued, after which we were obliged, in order to avoid suspicion, to slacken our pace, and as our friends approached turned to meet them, when E. sullenly demanded if we "had not better think of going home?" to which, as it was now near one o'clock, we instantly assented, and accordingly left the gardens. I proposed a coach, as we were upwards of three miles from home, but this Mr. E. would by no means agree to.
"What," he exclaimed, "could make you think of going out pleasuring, if your feet are so d-d tender that you cannot walk home?" (These words being of course addressed to his wife.) "I don't get my money so easy as some folks"-(here he had a rap at me)-"and can't afford to spend it in such foolish luxuries."
In vain I remonstrated that the expense should be all my own, that I preferred riding and as I had already requested the waiter to procure a coach the ladies might just as well partake of the convenience; besides, the charge would be precisely the same to me for riding alone as if they all accompanied me; to this he answered, "I say, let her walk; it's a fine night, or rather morning, and the distance a mere nothing; and it is setting her a bad example. If she rides now she'll expect the same indulgence another time, and I'll be d-d if she gets it from me. I mean to walk myself, and if she prefers your company to mine let her go with you and welcome-she knows my meaning." And he accompanied these words with a look of peculiar expression.
The controversy was ended, however, to the satisfaction of all parties by the waiter returning with the intelligence that no vehicle could be found, the company having taken the precaution to secure them some hours previous to the close of the entertainments.
We immediately commenced our homeward journey; Mr. E. condescended to offer his wife the honour of his arm, which she disdainfully rejected, and grasping mine still more firmly we proceeded in the same order that we had adopted during our wanderings through the gardens.
It was certainly a most splendid morning, and our way was through a pleasant turnpike road decked with rows of noble houses on either side with tasty gardens to adorn the fronts, the flowers from which, freshened by morning dew, sent forth a delicious odour, rendering our walk truly delightful.
On a sudden we were startled at hearing several dull, heavy sounds, and upon turning to ascertain the cause at once perceived that E. had quitted his companions. As I turned my eyes towards the road the cause of the before-mentioned sounds were instantly made manifest.
So singular was the unexpected sight I then encountered that it was with the greatest difficulty that I was enabled to suppress a laugh, and all my companions were in the same situation.
It appears that the smothered passion of Mr. E. had at length worked him up to such a pitch of frenzy that at the moment when I discovered the amiable youth, he was amusing himself by beating his own head with the utmost violence against a turnpike gate which stood most invitingly for his purpose in the centre of the road. The ladies immediately ran to his assistance, or rather to remonstrate with him on the folly of such conduct; and as S. and I slowly followed with the same intention, S. whispered in a sarcastic manner, and with a look that plainly indicated the nature of his suspicions, "I now, for the first time, perceive that even cuckoldom has its conveniences-behold a case in point: yon poor devil, but for the length of his horns, would certainly dash out his brains."
Before I had time to frame a reply to this significant speech, we had reached the object of our solicitude, and on requesting to know the cause of his singular behaviour he begged of us to leave him, adding in a tone perfectly ridiculous, "Let me die here! My wife despises me. I know that I did not behave well to her in the beginning of the evening and have lost her affections for ever-ah! for ever! I see that she loves you better far than me; but it's all my own folly. I do not believe that she means anything wrong, nor am I angry with you, sir; I have only myself to thank-you cannot help it; no, it's my own fault. I'm quite sure she'll hate me now and do not care to live; so here goes!" and with renewed violence he again began to punish the unoffending gate with his senseless sconce.
With some difficulty we prevailed on his mortified consort to accept of his proffered arm; and such was the efficacy of the arguments I adduced that on reaching home he begged pardon for having disturbed the harmony of the party by such vexatious conduct, hoping that we would attribute it to his having drunk rather more than he was accustomed to during the afternoon; and we parted on more friendly terms than could reasonably have been anticipated.
And when upon the next succeeding day,
Fast locked within my Bessy's arms I lay, Languid with bliss and love's supreme delight, Spoke of E-'s follies on the previous night;
Laughed at his bumps and self-inflicted pains And how the cuckold's horns preserved his brains!
Our intimacy continued as before, and as my wife (for by that name my Bessy had begged I would address her) had often expressed a desire to visit the Monument, a few mornings after the comical evening last described I expressed my willingness to accompany her. It so happened that we were the only visitors on this occasion. But before I proceed I will take the liberty of stating for the information of any of my readers who have never ascended this beautiful column that in order to reach the gallery you have to pass several loopholes which answer the double purpose of admitting light and air; and should the curious spectator wish to look from one of these crevices into the street he can easily gratify such desire, there being at every one a kind of landing place which will also serve as a seat should you feel yourself fatigued before arriving at the summit. On one of these did Bessy and I rest awhile in order to recover breath, after having ascended rather more than half way to the gallery. We were about to proceed when she observed that she would like to look through the loophole immediately behind us, and I assisted her to mount the landing place for that purpose; kneeling upon which, while my arm encircled her waist, she gratified her desire. But now the silent loneliness of the place, added to the peculiar situation in which I found myself, began to inspire me with thoughts, of a certain nature, to which the novelty of the idea did not a little contribute, and as I turned my eyes down the staircase of this extraordinary column with a view to discover if I had ought to fear from prying or listening intruders, I became sensible of the existence of another column, of minor dimensions certainly but equally stately and resembling its potent neighbours in more than one respect; so that I could not forbear drawing many curious comparisons as I afterwards gazed from the summit.
My dear girl being on her knees for the purpose I have before stated and I standing behind her with my arms encircling her waist, she was quick to seize my meaning when I pressed with some little force against her charming buttocks at the same passing an amorous hand beneath her petticoats.
A low cry of delight escaped her lips. "Yes! Yes!" she whispered without altering her position, save for the parting of her knees the more easily to admit whatever Heaven should be pleased to send her.
In a moment the snowy garments were folded above her hips and whiter than them all gleamed the fair rounded bottom, the two hemispheres rising into increased prominence as their owner leant upon her elbows, and by this action presented to my enraptured gaze her rosy bird's nest which seemed to wear a smile of anticipated pleasure as it peeped up at me from between the parted thighs.
With an alacrity surpassing even that with which she had seized my meaning, Bessie now shot out a hand and seized my weapon, thrust it into her orifice, carried my two hands up to her naked breasts (she had long since removed the handkerchief from her neck for coolness sake) and with many heaves of her glorious bottom and knowing contractions of her vagina upon my now superbly distended yard, cried aloud to me voluptuously to ransack her to the very womb.
I needed no second invitation but then and there in the cool seclusion of the mighty tower, my senses strung to the pitch of frenzy by the novelty of the situation and the contact of the fair body which thus knelt, as it were, in amorous subjection to my raging desires, I operated the girl of my heart with a precision of stroke, a force of penetration and an intensity of enjoyment to us both with which, as she long afterwards declared to me, she had never been mounted before or since either by me or anyone else!
Be that as it may, the recollection of this monumental exploit was never to leave our memories, and thenceforth "playing loopholes" became a favourite item in our programme of pleasure and one for which Bessie would often voluntarily throw herself into position upon her hands and knees, nor had she ever occasion to complain that her lascivious invitation was declined.
Should I however attempt to describe the whole of the numerous places, times, or poses in which we varied our delights it would occupy as many volumes as this volume will contain pages; therefore I shall content myself with naming those only which have novelty to recommend them.
But the pleasures of a man of gallantry are not unfrequently without their due portion of dangers. The sailor who fearlessly braves the perils of the stormy ocean; the soldier who stands unmoved before the gaping mouth of the fire-belching cannon, encounters no greater peril, experiences no greater number of hair-breadth escapes, than does the adventurous and no less daring lover in the pursuit of objects which to his glowing imagination are equally glorious as the laurels sought for by the above-mentioned heroes.
Of these escapes I have myself experienced a fair proportion, one of which I will here relate as a fair sample of many others too numerous to mention.
Mr. E., amongst his other classical and scientific amusements, was extremely fond of sharpening various edged tools upon a grindstone which he kept for that especial purpose in a small garden at the back of his house. One evening he brought home, on returning from his daily labour, an enormous hatchet, the property of one of his shopmates, to which he had promised to give a keen edge; this promise he performed to his own entire satisfaction previous to retiring to rest, and in the morning took his departure as usual with (as I was afterwards informed) this formidable weapon upon his shoulder.
No sooner did I hear the welcome closing of the street door than, according to custom, I repaired to the apartment he had quitted-my hand was upon the handle of the door and in another moment retreat would have been impossible. At this critical juncture I was alarmed at hearing the latchkey thrust into the lock of the street door- which, as I formerly stated, was so close to that of the parlour that my shoulder actually brushed it in passing! An icy chill ran through my frame; death in his most ghastly form flitted before my eyes! I knew that it was E. returning probably for some article forgotten in his hurry. Without waiting to turn I backed myself instinctively towards my room which fortunately I had left unfastened. I threw myself upon my bed while drops of cold perspiration bedewed my cheeks as I reflected upon the horrid scene that might by this time have commenced; for had I have been one minute sooner or he one moment later no earthly power could have prevented him from discovering me in the arms of his wife; and knowing his furious temper and jealous disposition, armed as he was with the newly sharpened hatchet, the result may very easily be imagined; and although some years have elapsed since the occurrence took place I shudder at therecollection even while I am now writing.
For upwards of six months after my Bessy had surrendered her heart to me I had no eyes for any one but her; and I really do believe that but for her own violence upon an occasion the particulars of which I am now going to relate, I should have preserved my faith to her inviolate even for a much longer period.
I had obtained some celebrity for singing a popular serenade, and being engaged at the M- Assembly Rooms, I was earnestly requested by several parties to favour them with this particular song, although it did not form a portion of the evening's programme. I complied and was honoured with a universal encore, after which (having the privilege of mingling with the company), I was overwhelmed with compliments sufficient to intoxicate the brains of more eminent professors than myself; but to me they were valueless; my thoughts were wandering homewards: so that I gained the approbation of my dark-eyed Bessy I was satisfied. And if I really did indulge a wish on this occasion it was that she were present to share my triumph. Yet, notwithstanding this feeling, I could not close my ears to the expressions of admiration which burst from the male portion of this elegant assembly as a young lady glided, with an air of exquisite grace and majesty through the mazes of the dance (for, I should have mentioned, the concert was succeeded by a ball). These praises were for some time unnoticed by me until after paying frequent visits to the anteroom, where the choicest wines were to be found in abundance and every variety and of which, at the pressing solicitations of several gentlemen, I had freely partaken, the sparks of curiosity which had lain dormant within me during the evening suddenly burst into a flame-fanned no doubt by the undulating breath which wafted them so often to my ears; at length, I put this question to an admiring bystander:
"And pray, sir, who is this surprising beauty that has succeeded in captivating the hearts of so many gentlemen in the midst of this phalanx of female loveliness?"
"As to who she is," he answered, "I really can give you no information; but what she is, of that yourself may judge, for see how gracefully she now glides past us."
My eyes followed the direction of his finger and rested upon the form of certainly the most beautiful girl who adorned the rooms that evening. She was rather above the middle stature, her figure graceful in the extreme; complexion delicately fair; large blue eyes, with dark lashes sufficiently long to shade the dazzling rays that at intervals darted from them; her light brown hair hung in thick clustering and luxuriant ringlets down her lovely neck and rested on her naked shoulders; her dress was of the simplest fashion but of the most costly materials, being composed of white satin with no other embellishment than a sash of broad pink ribbon which encircled her beautiful waist; a wreath of roses, white and red, adorned her ivory brows; and white satin slippers of a peculiar form graced a pair of feet so exquisitely moulded by the pure hand of nature, as if, when in her most liberal mood, she had determined to favour the world with a specimen of absolute perfection. A row of pearls of unusual size encompassed her heavenly neck, from which a cross of diamonds hung suspended, resting upon a bosom the beauties of which would baffle the most able pen to convey the most remote idea of; I therefore leave it to the imagination of my readers; for, in the language of the poet, Grace was in all her steps; heaven in her eyes;
In every gesture dignity and love.
I could not withhold my meed of admiration as this perfect creature glided past me; but such was the extent of the fascinating influence which Bessy possessed over my heart that my bosom harboured nothing resembling a desire to become better acquainted with the majestic fair one who seemed an object of idolatry to every gentleman who had the good fortune to be present at the assembly upon this occasion.
As dancing was kept up with great spirit till near daybreak, and I found it absolutely impossible to steal away without giving offence to several of my best patrons, about the hour of three in the morning I was proceeding to the anteroom in order to procure some slight refreshment when my progress was arrested by the light pressure of a hand placed gently on my shoulder; as I turned my eyes they encountered those of that beautiful enslaver of the hearts of more than half the company; she held a glass of red wine in her hand, of which, in a tone of the most affable sweetness, she invited me to partake, at the same time congratulating me on the applause with which my vocal exertions had been rewarded; she expressed her own admiration of the words and music of the serenade before mentioned and of which she declared she would willingly pay any reasonable sum to acquire a knowledge.
As I was framing a suitable reply an exquisite of the first water approached and reminded her of a promise which she had previously made to become his partner in the ensuing dance; he took her hand and with a graceful inclination of the head she turned from me.
I shortly after left the assembly and proceeding home thought no more of the adventure.
The following morning, having an engagement to sing in the evening at a concert to be held at the G- Tavern in Fleet Street, I had dined at an early hour, after which I indulged in a stroll through the pleasant fields in the vicinity of the Chalk Farm. As I approached my residence on returning, I called upon a neighbouring perfumer who was in the habit of arranging my hair in the fashionable mode customary upon these occasions; this operation duly performed, I was proceeding home with the intention of dressing for the business of the evening when I heard my name pronounced; on turning towards the spot from whence the voice proceeded I beheld a young female, very respectably attired, certainly, but in a style particularly plain and unassuming, having more the appearance of what might be worn by an upper servant in a gentleman's family than of one in any other station I could well imagine; in her hand she carried a bundle of some magnitude. Having inquired in the most familiar terms as to my health, etc., after several ineffectual endeavours to call to my recollection when or where I had seen her before, I begged she would inform me whom I had the honour of addressing, as she most decidedly had the advantage of me.
She good-naturedly rallied me on the shallowness of my memory and playfully expressed her astonishment that I had no recollection of her; but when, after a few moments' conversation during which she recalled to mind the particulars of our former meeting, judge my surprise on discovering the disguised beauty before me to be none other than the admired goddess of the previous evening's assembly.
I at first resisted her pressing importunities to accompany her to a neighbouring tavern, but as she flatly declared she would not leave me unless I consented to drink her health, I reluctantly complied with her request.
She then placed her arm in mine, and seeing a superior-looking public house, within a few yards of where we were standing, we entered it together.
On requesting to know what kind of beverage she preferred, she claimed the privilege of invitation, to ask the same question of me; and all that I could urge to the contrary, would not induce her to forego the right.