I accepted his offer with some affected reluctance and followed him to his room, where I met with a most cordial reception from his wife, who blushed slightly as I gently pressed her proffered hand. In the course of the evening he again recurred to the favour he had previously alluded to, and at length asked me if I had any particular motive for continuing my present residence. I looked at him with surprise, and for a moment imagined that he suspected my intentions, but quickly recovering myself, I answered in the negative. He then proceeded to inform me that, being tired of lodgings, he had taken a house, but not having occasion for the whole of it had determined, in order to lighten his expenses, to let off a portion; that if I would take a couple of apartments, he being but a young beginner in housekeeping, it would be rendering him a most important service.
Although nothing could have happened more opportune for my design, yet thinking that should I seize his offer too readily he might suspect my real motive, I at first urged several objections, such as the distance from my connexions, etc.; but at length, rather than be deprived of the company of a friend, and having no particular acquaintance in my present neighbourhood, I suffered myself to be persuaded. We spent a pleasant evening together, and in less than a month took possession of our new residence.
It was very pleasantly situated about two miles from town, and the house, although not large, was extremely commodious; and all things were entirely in my favour, the distance precluding the possibility of his returning to his meals, in consequence of which he had to leave home every morning at six, taking with him provisions for the day, and did not return until nine in the evening.
Here was a glorious opportunity! I had the whole of the day to cultivate the acquaintance of his charming wife, and the satisfaction of observing that each succeeding day she appeared to experience greater pleasure from my society.
I have before stated that E. was naturally of a morose and jealous disposition, but I had by frequent conversations so completely succeeded in banishing suspicion from his mind that I verily believe that he felt sincerely happy in having gained the friendship of a young man whose morals were such that he could leave his wife in his company with perfect security; so firmly indeed had I convinced him of my rectitude that instead of an invader, I really believe he considered me as the guardian of his honour during his absence.
I fear that my own character will not appear in a very amiable light to many of my readers in thus pretending friendship for a man whose happiness I was basely endeavouring, by every means in my power, to undermine. But I was then too young, or too blinded by the impetuosity of my passion, to discriminate between the sacred bond of marriage and the fair and open field of love and courtship. In love, as in war, I thought any stratagem might be fairly practised. Indeed, the singularity of his behaviour to his unhappy wife tended strongly to confirm this impression and blind me as to the ultimate result of my designs.
I suppose the man had some affection for his wife, yet he had the strangest manner of proving it that can be well imagined. For instance, in order to assure himself of her entire devotion to him, he was continually accusing her of ideas which he knew perfectly well never entered her thoughts, and when, after vainly endeavouring-for none are so obstinate as those who will not be convinced-to soothe him, she would burst into an agony of tears; then, and only then, the brute was happy! He saw her wretchedness and fancied she adored him.
Did such a wretch deserve the love and respect of a confiding heart?
All mankind would answer no. Yet', in justice to the lovely Bessy, I must affirm that such was the purity of her mind, her abhorrence of vice and inherent love of virtue, that had providence allotted for her a man who had treated her with but common attention and kindness, the importunities, sighs, vows, tears, and protestations of fifty thousand men would not have induced her to turn from her duty for a moment; and never, from the hour I first knew the influence of love up to the present, did I find half the difficulty in overruling the scruples of twenty women, as I experienced in winning the first kiss from this charming, ill-used, yet love-inspiring wife.
The avarice, not the poverty, of this gallant husband prevented his allowing his wife the aid of a servant; consequently, when he was absent at his daily avocations, Bessy, her infant child, and myself were the only inmates of the house; and as it had been stipulated that my meals were to be prepared for me, we commonly sat at one table; it will not be doubted that I took advantage of the opportunities so frequently afforded me to beguile the time with conversation applicable to my own peculiar situation. I related stories of the calamities of faithful lovers till the tears of sympathy have Tolled in torrents down her lovely cheek; then, in order to relieve her gentle heart, I would change the subject or subdue her soul to tenderness with some appropriate melody, and suiting the action to the word would sometimes venture to seize her hand, and press it to my heart in ecstasy.
It was long before she could reconcile herself to suffer even this trifling liberty, and would instantly withdraw her hand, her cheek would assume a crimson hue, and in tremulous accents would she chide my presumptuous daring; then would I laugh at her anger and diminish her fears by declaring that I had no meaning beyond the momentary impulse occasioned by the sentiment contained in the song, and carried away by my enthusiasm was merely embellishing the words of the poet with suitable action; thus would I appease her, and in a few moments, lapsing into forgetfulness, again be guilty of a similar offence.
This I repeated so often that it ceased to inspire her with alarm, and was no longer even considered a fault; and I have sat for hours in her company, her hands fast locked in mine, repeating passages from the works of our best dramatic authors, where love is depicted in fascinating forms and painted in the most glowing colors. I even so far prevailed upon her as to induce her to commit to memory some of the scenes of our immortal bard, the "swan of Avon," which, with appropriate action, we frequently rehearsed together.
Although at times thrown off her guard by these amusements, such was the integrity of her conduct as a wife that even in our most familiar converse I dared not as yet speak to her of love on my own account, and months passed away without affording me a chance of declaring the passion that preyed upon my heart; and when at times I endeavoured to excite her sympathy by relating fictitious tales of happy lovers, of languishing and yielding wives, her indignation cannot be described, and I have despairingly resolved never to see her more, but when, in a few minutes after, I have detected her regarding me with a stolen glance of compassionate regard, all my previous resolutions were in an instant destroyed and I inwardly resolved to overcome the obstacles that barred my approach to happiness, even should my whole life be passed in the pursuit.
One happy evening I had at her request been singing that well-known and most beautiful ballad, "O, fly from the world, dear Bessy, to me"; as I concluded, having as usual her hand fast locked in mine, I imagined that for the first time my pressure was returned; gentle though it was, still it was quite sufficient to entrance my very soul. Indeed my emotion was too violent to be concealed; she felt the trembling of my hand; our eyes met; a similar feeling seemed to invade us both; we continued to gaze upon each other; I threw my arm round her waist and as a tear glistened in her beautiful eye drew her towards me.
Our lips met; the bliss was insupportable and I sank upon her bosom in an agony of transport.
My happiness, however, lasted but a moment, for with a convulsive bound she started from my embrace, exclaiming, "My G-d! what have I done?"
She covered her face with her hands, and sobbed convulsively.
I endeavoured to compose her, but in vain. I fell upon my knees before her and assured her of my unalterable love; my words and posture seemed to recall her wandering senses; she arose, and with a dignified look of offended virtue, demanded how I dared to address such language to her-a wife and a mother?
I was about to offer an excuse for my rash conduct when she commanded me to be gone in a tone which plainly proved she meant to be obeyed; convinced that, in her present state of mind, remonstrance would be useless, I left the room, hoping that when the violence of her passion had abated, the memory of the past would render her more kind.
Notwithstanding her anger at parting, I congratulated myself on the events of the evening. I felt well assured that I was no longer an object of indifference to the beloved of my soul and doubted not but that time, and my unceasing assiduities operating with her own secret desires, would ultimately accomplish my wishes.
I retired to rest, but not to sleep, and lay awake anxiously awaiting the return of the day-that day which I vainly hoped would make me truly blest. It came at last. I heard with joy the husband depart to his daily toil, and having dressed myself with more than usual care impatiently awaited my summons to the morning repast. At length I heard a gentle rap at my door. I flew upon the wings of love to open it-but, judge of the disappointment I experienced, when I beheld a perfect stranger! — a vulgar-looking girl, of twelve 6r thirteen years, who, with an awkward curtsey, asked me if it was quite convenient to let her come in and lay my breakfast cloth.
For a moment I stood petrified with astonishment, while she proceeded to inform me that Mrs. E., being very poorly, had sent to her (the girl's) mother to ask if she could spare Martha to come over and assist her, and also to attend upon the single man, her lodger.
I understood the whole affair in a moment; shame on the occurrence of the preceding evening and fear for the future had rendered my dear Bessy unwilling to trust herself again in my company.
Having no other alternative, I suffered the girl to prepare my breakfast, which was one of the most solitary meals I ever had the mortification of sitting down to; in fact, it was taken away nearly untouched.
I sent a message to express my sorrow at her illness, with a request that she would allow me to see her for a moment, on a subject of the greatest importance; she returned a polite answer, thanking me for the concern I manifested but declining an interview on pretence of being confined to her chamber.
Finding that for two days she was obstinately resolute in her determination of refusing to see me, I proceeded to change my plan of attack and accordingly penned the following note, which I sent by the girl as I left home, at the same time telling her that I should not require her services that day as I should not return until the following evening.
Dearest Elizabeth,
Pardon this familiar manner of addressing you, for the first and last time, as you are no longer a stranger to the sentiments that fill my breast, as far as regards yourself. 'Tis now useless to dissemble; I have long struggled with the presumptuous passion I lately, in an unguarded moment, had the temerity to shock your modest ears by declaring; and finding that it is impossible for me to live without you, while my delighted eyes gaze on you every day, I have, after a painful struggle, determined to withdraw myself forever from your sight. I leave town this day for the purpose of procuring a lodging distant from you, but will return in a few days in order to settle my account with Mr.
E., to whom I will give a satisfactory reason for quitting his house so abruptly. Beloved of my heart, farewell forever! — and that you may never experience the pangs of unrequited and hopeless love, will be the constant prayer of Your despairing lover.
After an absence of two days I returned, and ringing for the girl, she immediately attended. In answer to my inquiries as to the health of her mistress, she informed me that she had been much worse, and had not left her chamber during the time I had been away. I interpreted this in my own favour, and must own that for a moment I felt happy, and rejoiced at the misery of one whom, under any other circumstances, I would have given my life to relieve.
For reasons that will no doubt appear obvious, I detained the girl for an hour to assist me in packing up my trunks and portmanteau, and then sent her to inquire at what hour I could see Mr. E. that evening, as everything was now ready for my removal. In rather less than half an hour she returned, and never was the sweetest music half so grateful to my ears as the harsh, croaking voice that uttered the following words:
"Missus's compliments, sir, and if not very inconvenient, will you put off moving till tomorrow, she has something particular to say and hopes by tomorrow she may be well enough to see you."
After rewarding the girl much beyond her expectations for the trouble I had given her, I despatched her with an answer, that I felt great pleasure in having it in my power to oblige Mrs. E. and should anxiously await her commands the following morning.
I now felt assured of success; my plot had exceeded my most sanguine expectations; my heart was swelling with triumphant pleasure. I sought a neighbouring tavern and tossed off bumper after bumper to the god of love and soft desires.
The morning came at last. I arose with the lark, descended to the garden, and as I walked the minutes seemed as hours to my impatient soul. At length I heard my charmer's door unclose, and after waiting a short time, for the purpose of sparing her the embarrassment of sending to me, I crossed the passage as if to open the street door; to accomplish this the parlour must be passed, and as I reached the half-closed door I beheld my Bessy, pale as a lily newly plucked; but as my footsteps broke upon her ear a sudden flush that shamed the famed carnation's burning tints coloured her lovely cheeks. I paused for a moment to survey her charms, while my proud heart exultingly whispered, "They soon will be your own!"
I was about to speak, when the words "Good morning, sir," tremblingly escaped from her half-opened lips. I hastened to receive her proffered hand, which having kissed respectfully I took a chair and seated myself by her side. An embarrassing silence of some minutes' duration ensued. At length I spoke. "And is this meeting, then, to be our last?"
She turned her head aside to hide the tears, which in spite of her efforts now quickly pursued each other down her blushing cheeks; I would have clasped her in my arms and kissed the pearly drops away, but she repulsed me in a manner at once gentle though determined.
I repeated, "And is this meeting, then, to be our last?"
"That depends wholly on yourself," she mildly answered.
"On me! Explain, for well you know that to be for ever in your loved society is what on earth I most desire."
I fixed my eyes upon her face, as though I sought to read her inmost thoughts, as thus she answered me:
"After what has passed between us, it would be folly in the extreme were I to appear any longer ignorant of the nature of your attentions, and I fear that my own weakness has already but too plainly betrayed the interest you have created in my heart. Yes, I will deal frankly with you, and acknowledge that I love you; that were I now at liberty to choose, you are the husband I would select in the face of the whole world. Alas! had we but met a few years sooner, or never met at all! If you really love me as you profess, you will not seek to plunge me into infamy; continue with me then, regard me as a sister, but seek not to take advantage of my tenderness-of my candour; for I most solemnly declare that should my unhappy feelings lead me into any act that would degrade me in my own estimation, by this hand would I find a speedy death. Yes, sooner would I become a suicide than live in infamy."
Should I attempt to commit to paper the whole of that day's conversation, it would not only occupy a large portion of space, but also prove uninteresting to the reader; let it suffice that I suffered myself to be persuaded that nothing could be more easy than for two persons of different sexes, who loved each other to excess, to live in the same house, indulge in discourses of love and friendship, and exchange kisses that were perfectly innocent in themselves, without desiring aught that could raise a blush upon the cheek of the most rigid observer of the celebrated platonic rules so highly spoken of in the writings of the ancients and so justly admired by our venerable forefathers.
Previous to our parting, I obtained her solemn promise that in the event of anything occurring to her husband, by which she would be at liberty to wed again, that she would dispense with the dull formalities of conventional usage in remaining single for twelve tedious months and, by a private marriage, crown me with immediate happiness.
As may naturally be supposed, after such an understanding, she became less reserved on each succeeding day and would occasionally permit trifling liberties that would but a few days previous have given alarm to her feelings; she would even trust herself upon my knee, and as I described the violence of my passion, dissolved in tears she sometimes threw her arms around my neck and pressing her lips to mine would reward my long forbearance with a kiss, which instead of soothing inflamed the faint sparks of chaste affection into the fierce and raging flames of wild desire. Encouraged by these proofs of her regard, I did at times indulge in the vain hope that her virtue was about to go to sleep and ventured cautiously, by imperceptible degrees, to gain the precincts of her snowy bosom; when, instantly aroused to a sense of her danger, she would rush from my embrace and with a look that froze my very soul, demand if thus I meant to prove my love?
On these occasions, however, upon a promise to be cautious how I ventured to offend again, she seldom withheld her forgiveness long; still would there exist for several days an appearance of distrust, a want of confidence, in fact a coolness perfectly disagreeable to a man of my ardent nature; and at length, almost despairing of ever being enabled to accomplish my object and unable longer to endure the pangs of unrequited love, I determined to change my plan of attack and, should I fail, to fly from her dangerous presence and seek repose in absence.
I had received undoubted proofs that she sincerely loved me, and in proportion to that love's increase so did her contempt for her unworthy husband; nothing in fact but her innate horror of doing wrong prevented the consummation of my happiness. Confident of this, I now resolved to invoke the aid of the "green-eyed monster, jealousy," and fortune shortly favoured my intent.
I have before observed that Mr. E. was meanly avaricious; the love of gain was in his breast predominant; this induced him to deprive himself and wife of the comforts of a bedchamber. "For," said he, "what do we want with an extra room; I am very little at home myself and I am sure that one room is quite enough for us." Thus, notwithstanding the great inconvenience this arrangement must have been to his wife, a love of quietness urged her to comply, and accordingly the room was let.
The apartment in question was on the same floor as that in which I slept, and divided from mine by a landing place only five feet in width, and our doors faced each other. I am thus particular in describing the situation of these rooms, in order that my reader may clearly understand the adventures I have shortly to relate.