I must here confess that during the day my conscience frequently reproached me for my infidelity to Bessy, but when I reflected upon her obstinate, her continued perseverance in withholding from me the desired favour, then conscience quite as readily acquitted me.
Nor do I think, upon reflection, that the most fastidious of my readers will condemn me, when they consider the state of excitement I was in at the moment of my frailty and the sweetly powerful temptation ready to allure me; for the transient yielding moment of forgetfulness in which my Bessy lay within my arms had increased to an ungovernable height the fury of my passion, and although her subsequent behaviour had for a moment quelled the raging flame, can it be a matter of surprise that the refreshing breath which wafted Emma's kisses to my lips, so shortly after, should fan the expiring embers into a mighty, uncontrollable, and furious blaze which nothing but love's hallowed stream could quench?
Let me be tried by Cupid's potent laws,
I fear not censure-nay, expect applause!
My professional duties kept me from home the whole of that day; in fact midnight had passed ere the concert was concluded and the clock was striking two as, flushed with wine, I applied the key to the door of my lodging. I entered, gained my room, undressed and went to bed, actually forgetting for a time the convenient loneliness of the perhaps anxiously expecting Emma.
Suddenly it flashed across my mind-did she not declare that worlds would not tempt her to run the risk of a discovery? Has she not vowed that her door shall be fast locked? I'll try, at all events-but cautiously! I gently quit my bed, step lightly over the floor of my apartment-shoeless, unslippered, not a creaking board to whisper my design to those below. I unclose my door, my impatient hand now rests upon the polished handle by which I expect to gain access to happiness, when-confusion to all potteries! — a flower-stand that stood upon the window of the landing-place which divided the apartments, touched by my elbow, fell to the ground with a confounded crash which made the house re-echo to the sound. I made a backward movement in order to regain my bed, there to await the issue of this infernal adventure. Who could have contemplated such a d-d mishap?
As I expected, roused by the clamour, Mr. E., grumbling at the disturbance, unclosed his door. He calls, "Hulloa! what's all this?" No answer. He ascended the stairs, and perceiving the visible cause of the uproar, in the wreck of the accursed flower-stand, muttered to himself,
"How the deuce could this have happened? It's d-n strange! Couldn't fall of itself, that's very clear."
At last thinking that it might appear suspicious to feign sleep after such a clatter, I opened the door rubbing my eyes and yawning, as one suddenly awakened, and affected great surprise at seeing him in his shirt, but observed at the same time, "I cannot imagine what it can be that so suddenly disturbed me. I awoke this moment with a ringing in my ears, as if the very house was falling."
"Ah," returned he, "the same noise alarmed me, and look here!" he added, pointing to the shattered garden pots, "this is a d-d curious occurrence; I can't account for it, anyhow; not a breath of wind is stirring; and even if it was blowing like the devil, the window being closed, why even that couldn't do it. What think you, mister-can you explain it better?"
Although not yet broad day, being in the middle of summer, there was light enough to enable me to perceive that he was eyeing me with a look of keen suspicion, glancing at my neighbour's door as if to satisfy himself that all was right in that quarter. Whatever his thoughts might have been at first, I flatter myself that they were in a moment dispelled, by the look and tone of unconcern with which I answered,
"Most certainly, nothing more easy, when an entrance is attempted through a window, the seat of which is filled with flower-pots."
His coward cheeks grew pale as death, as trembling he exclaimed,
"Good God! what! do you think that thieves were attempting-but no, it would be impossible to get into the house this way-see how securely that window is fastened."
"And yet," I answered, smilingly, "the entrance has been effected; and see where the grim-visaged thief even now stands glaring on us," at the same time pointing to a large black cat, who, luckily for me, had taken its station on the lower stairs; a broken pane in the window corroborated my explanation.
He was satisfied, and bidding me good morning, descended the stairs.
Vexed and irritated, I returned to my own solitary bed, until, by the universal stillness which reigned through the house, I concluded that slumber had again sealed up his eyelids; then, with increased caution, I once more quit my chamber and gain the door of Emma's. I try the lock-it yields! I enter. Three easy paces bring me to the bed! The crimson streaks of opening day afforded light barely sufficient to reveal to my admiring gaze the voluptuous form which sleeping lay before me.
The heat throughout the night had been oppressive and consequently during her slumbers she had thrown off every article of clothing; the counterpane alone remained and this had fallen to below her knees.
The splendid picture formed by this sleeping Venus the reader must imagine; words would be too feeble, even were I to write for a month, to do justice to the exciting scene: therefore I at once abandon the attempt.
Unable calmly to endure the sight, I knelt beside her and pressing my lips to hers with energy lightly touched a rosy nipple. She awoke with a slight scream which might have been attended with danger had not the increasing fervour of my kisses delivered with open mouth and penetrating tongue stifled the rising sound, which was not repeated, having been but the effect of momentary alarm; memory soon returning she clasped me to her naked bosom and having rapturously sucked my delighted pizzle for some minutes cried upon me to birdnest her without a moment's delay, and with clutching hands upon my buttocks drove me to the hilt within her pouting proud-faced vulva.
Not till after our fourth act of coition did my powers begin to shew signs of flagging, when the girl's red mouth and clinging tongue were swiftly applied to their delicious task of resuscitation, and under this enchanting stimulus, the member in question soon regained the necessary length and stiffness and repaid the luscious service of her lips by burying himself in her womb.
For three hours locked in each other's arms, we envied not the gods their famed Elysium!
On the following day, I was greatly astonished at the extraordinary conduct of my charming Bessy, for notwithstanding our late rupture, she could not betray any signs of anger in the presence of Emma without exciting her suspicions; I consequently took advantage of an opportunity which presented itself on seeing the two ladies together of walking in as though no unpleasant squabble had ever taken place, when the look of reproach with which she eyed me left no doubt upon my mind as to her being perfectly aware of the preceding night; and as her reserve grew less upon each succeeding day, I became the more confirmed in this opinion; more particularly as on one occasion, I being rather depressed in spirits, she, with a look of peculiar meaning, continued to sing-as though unconsciously amusing herself, portions of an old ballad, the burthen of which runs thus:
Oh, I could tell you how, love, and when, The very first hour, and the place, While I vowed I'd ne'er heed the oaths of men.
You prevailed, and I mourn my disgrace.
In short, her allusions became so very pointed that one day, being alone with her, I ventured to demand an explanation. Notwithstanding her assumed cheerfulness, a tear involuntarily starting dimmed the lustre of her sparkling eye. She at length informed me, that for a long time my attentions to Emma had excited her suspicion and having heard me enter her apartment so shortly after my last offence she felt persuaded that Emma had found a way to console me for what I might term my own unkindness; she acknowledged also, that the torturing pangs of jealousy had kept her awake throughout the whole of that eventful night; and although I had used the utmost caution in my movements, nothing had escaped the acute fineness of her sense of hearing-nay, such was the particular manner in which she depicted the most minute incidents of my frailty, that, perfectly astounded, it was some moments ere I could gain sufficient assurance to assert my innocence, and even then the protestation was made in such bungling terms that my confusion only added to my conviction and at once proclaimed my guilt.
Clearly detected, I endeavoured to palliate my crime, urging the powerful incentives I had experienced and vowed a thousand times that love for Emma had not induced me to act, but that, maddened by my disappointed hopes and fearing that my offence was beyond forgiveness, I had recourse to drink, till urged on by grief, despair, revenge, intoxication, and convenient temptation I had fallen.
At length my Bessy, like a pitying angel, moved by my tears and visible remorse, awarded pardon to her suffering penitent; at the same time kindly pledged her word that the knowledge she had so artfully obtained should be forever confined to her own breast; before we parted, however, she extorted from me a promise that the guilty commerce should never be repeated, for which she rewarded me with a delightful kiss, and we parted, if possible, better friends than ever.
Not wishing to hurt the feelings of the kind and gentle Emma by an appearance of indifference, I took an opportunity of informing her that I had reason to believe that Mr. E. entertained suspicions that an improper intimacy had taken place between us; and, in order to remove this impression and preserve her reputation, it would be
expedient to affect a distant carriage towards each other; she appreciated my motives, and feigning a slight quarrel we ultimately succeeded in deceiving the penetration of Bessy, to whom I certainly kept my word as sacred-as possible-for my intercourse with her rival was discontinued forever-in her house.
Shortly after this Mr. E., still eagerly intent upon his favourite pursuit of accumulating money, determined upon letting one of his parlours, and his wife-for reasons best known to herself-prevailed on him to request that I would make it my sleeping room, urging as a motive that being on the same floor with themselves it would be much more convenient for her to attend to, as it would save much trouble and she need not then be continually running up and down stairs; that as I was not often at home until late at night they could have the apartment during the day; the upper room which would thus become vacant would immediately be let, and we then should appear to be forming one family, his gains of course increasing in proportion; this latter argument at once decided him, and the same evening he proposed the project in a very roundabout manner and concluded by asking if I had any objection to an exchange.
I at once perceived the cunning motive of my jealous Bessy, which was in fact merely to remove me from the dangerous vicinity of my fair neighbour; but as I foresaw also numberless advantages to myself (which in the one object that engrossed her thoughts she had evidently overlooked) I instantly consented, and the next evening took possession of my new dormitory.
It will be here necessary, in order that the following incidents may be clearly understood, to describe more particularly the situation of my present sleeping room,
The house consisted of six rooms-not one behind the other, as in most modern buildings, but each apartment overlooked the street. I have before mentioned, in describing my former chamber, that a small landing-place divided it from Emma's and that our doors faced each other; in like manner was my new abode divided from that of Mr. and Mrs. E. merely by the width of the passage; at the extreme end of which the stairs leading to the upper rooms were situated.
From the exterior, the two parlours were divided by the street door, which when closed, and the parlour doors thrown open, three paces would convey me from one room to the other, my shoulder nearly brushing the street door in passing; in each apartment was a kind of closet, large enough to contain a bedstead if required; but as I was never partial to a confined atmosphere, particularly while sleeping, I made my recess answer the purpose of a wardrobe, and consequently my bed occupied the centre of the room.
The reader will perceive the necessity of my being thus particular as to the situation of the rooms in the course of these memoirs; in fact they would find it exceedingly difficult to form an idea of many circumstances hereafter to be related had I been less explicit.
All diffidence was now banished between myself and Bessy, and perfect confidence restored, the past seemed buried in oblivion, and our days passed in the same sportive manner as before. To be sure, when romping with Emma, the eyes of Bessy never failed to put me on my guard, and my eyes no longer enjoyed the freedoms they formerly indulged in.
I must, however, acknowledge that an accidental meeting would occasionally occur, away from home; I would then exert my best endeavours to make her ample amends for every seeming slight; and as she really possessed a tolerable share of common sense, we always parted perfectly satisfied with each other. True it is, that I would much rather have discontinued this connexion, but I could not prevail on myself, by coldness or neglect, to hurt the feelings of any woman who had sacrificed her all for my gratification.
To proceed to my narrative, I soon became perfectly inured to my change of quarters; and what added greatly to my satisfaction was that I could overhear mostly every word that passed between Mr. E. and his wife, and the tone of disgust with which she sometimes answered his pettishness afforded me real pleasure, as I felt convinced that it was her increasing affection for myself that made him appear each day more odious to her sight.
One night in particular, something having occurred abroad to sour his naturally morose temper, he as usual was venting his spleen upon his unoffending wife, which she resented in becoming language; how did my blood boil with indignation as I plainly heard the cowardly ruffian degrade her with a blow! Gladly would I have flown to her rescue, but I well knew that any interference on my part would have acted as a signal for new outrages on her. Shortly after I hear the brute prepare for bed and call on her to follow when nothing could exceed the satisfaction with which I listened to her rather loudly expressed and firm determination that from that time forth she would avoid his loathed embraces; vainly doth he growlingly remonstrate, in the most absolute terms; she declared her intention of sitting up till morning; and I afterwards discovered that she reclined her head upon the table while the unworthy wretch, having vented his passion to the very dregs, fell asleep and snored until the alarm roused him to his daily labour.
I lay till the usual hour of breakfast had long passed without the customary summons; when, fearing that my loved one was unwell and suffering for the treatment she had so recently experienced, I arose, dressed myself, and knocked softly at the door; on receiving no answer I ventured to try the lock-the door opened-and with cautious steps I entered the apartment. As I suspected, exhausted and faint from the fatigue of the preceding night she had, upon her husband's departure, thrown herself upon the bed and fallen into a profound slumber. How did I despise the mean-spirited villain and author of her woes; she evidently had been weeping during the night, her face seemed absolutely swollen with anguish. As I imprinted a glowing kiss upon her lips she awoke.
At first she appeared alarmed at seeing me so near her, but on beholding the expression of pity with which I regarded her, her fears were instantly dispelled.
I assisted her to rise; and having informed her of what I had heard the previous night, I entreated her to withdraw herself at once from her tormentor and no longer submit to such harsh usage; but notwithstanding her husband's injurious treatment she still endeavoured to find excuses in extenuation of his conduct; for though the affection she at one time felt for him was greatly diminished, she yet disdained the thought of retaliating at the expense of her honour…
I assisted her in preparing the breakfast; and as she remarked my assiduities, she exclaimed with a sigh, "Oh, had E- possessed but half your tenderness, how happily we might have lived. Heaven grant that I may some day be at liberty to requite your generous affection."
As I gazed upon her haggard features, and saw fatigue hang heavy on her eyelids, I, with some difficulty, prevailed on her to take a little brandy in her coffee, describing to her its invigorating qualities when taken as a medicine, and, breakfast being over, left her with a recommendation to seek the soothing influence of balmy sleep.
Such was the agitation of my mind as I pondered on my charmer's injuries that I found it quite impossible to pursue my morning studies, and throwing myself upon the sofa soon sunk into a slumber from which I awoke as the clock was striking twelve. Anxious to know how my dear Bessy found herself, I once more entered her apartment.
I found her reclining on her bed, her senses fast locked up in sweet forgiveness, but evidently much refreshed; her features had assumed their usual tranquil tone, and as if under the influence of some pleasing dream a sweet smile illumined her interesting face.
As I gazed upon the sleeping beauty all virtuous resolutions vanished, and in their place my former wild desires returned with redoubled violence.
"What!" I mentally exclaimed, "shall an ungrateful brute remain in the undivided possession of this world of charms? Charms which his groveling soul knows not the way to estimate or value-what even now prevents me, sleeping as she is, from seizing at once the blessing, of making her happy in her own despite-her heart is mine alreadyand once the transport over, never to be recalled, will she not bless the happy moment when by love inspired, I stole the intoxicating rapture and, with my own, secured her everlasting happiness."