During the time I was thus entreating her, spite of her struggles to escape, I held her fast-nay at every useless effort pressed her still closer to my throbbing heart; but when she heard me vow that I had been so long reclining by her side-an assertion which I well knew she could not contradict-when she perceived the struggles I endured and saw the flames of love now gleaming in my eyes, she whispered as she gently pressed my hand, "Heaven forgive me should I be doing wrong! I feel I cannot bid you leave me with a conviction that I am cruel or unjust; yet if, knowing my own weakness, I venture to trust myself within your arms, oh, do not, pray, abuse my confidence!"
I answered only with a kiss, and with her arms entwined around my neck I feigned a sudden drowsiness, and shortly after the most experienced observer would have pronounced me fast locked in the arms of Morpheus; while she, believing me insensible to her caresses, having kissed my lips, eyes and forehead, with an innocent confidence resigned herself to sleep.
In order to satisfy myself that she slept securely, I remained perfectly quiet for a few minutes, when cautiously raising my head I gazed upon her for some time before I ventured to place my hand upon her bosom; finding the daring act had not disturbed her, I proceeded to the most unwarrantable liberties.
But-hold! she moves! Quick as lightning I withdraw my hand and sink upon the pillow. All is once more still; the involuntary moment did but improve the position of my love and rendered visible the haven of my hopes. Now, while my dazzled eyes rove over the enchanting prospect, IGreat God of love! what mortal could endure it longer? all caution's dictates now are disobeyed-timidity no longer regulates my actions, while with frantic daring I pursue the advantage, undismayed, and boldly stretch myself between her thighs. Startled at the audacious attempt, she suddenly awakes and, sensible of the mighty peril, vainly essays to shriek; but her exhausted breath, half stifled by my kisses, in accents unintelligible fall upon the ear; her strength deserts her; and tears escaping from her jet black eyes, fast course each other down her lovely cheeks; each moment her resistance grows more feeble; already in imagination I had gained the wished-for victory, when, aided by the strength of some vindictive fiend-an enemy alike to love and mewith one spasmodic, wild, and convulsive effort, she hurled me from her!
Thus was the cup of felicity dashed untasted from my lips at the very moment that I would have sworn no earthly power could have torn it from me.
In an instant she sprung from the bed and throwing herself into a chair buried her face in her hands and sobbed convulsively-nay, such was the violence of her emotions that her trembling frame seemed as though shook by an ague.
I ventured to approach, to take her hand; she instantly withdrew it as though stung by a scorpion; I fell upon my knees and humbly implore her pity and forgiveness. At length she condescends to speak, but not in anger; she acquits me of all blame, accusing only herself; a hundred times she curses her own weakness in allowing me an opportunity to transgress so deeply; she begs me to retire, with averted face, declaring that the guilty knowledge I had acquired would render it impossible for her to look me in the face again.
Confused and mortified, I begged the favour of her hand at parting; she complies but on one condition, a promise that I would quit my lodging at the earliest opportunity, and never from henceforth endeavour to hold converse with her more.
At this moment a plan suggested itself to my inventive mind, which I resolved to put into practice on the instant; I consequently left her with these words: "Well, dearest, since such is your final determination, farewell for ever! I leave you with a conviction that you have never really loved me. But no matter; despised by you, and banished from your dear presence, life has no longer any charms for me; and since the fond delusion is destroyed which bade me live for you, I fly to death as to a last sad refuge; and surely when you learn my hopeless fate, you'll drop a sympathising tear to my memory, as conscience whispers to your heart-'he died for me!' "
I entered my own room and immediately closing my door, turned the key, but in such a manner that, although the door appeared to be fast locked, it would require very little violence to force it open. Every circumstance occurred most favourable for my design. Emma had gone out for the day, and Bessy and myself were the only inmates of the house.
I made considerable noise with the key, as I thus partially turned it in the lock, on purpose to arrest the attention of my weeping enchantress and alarm her fears; then, placing a table directly underneath a strong staple that for some particular purpose had been driven into the ceiling by a former tenant, I untied my neckcloth and tearing it nearly in two-so that it would break entirely with the slightest effort-and ascending the table I tied one end to the staple and fastened the other round my neck; then pushing the table (upon which stood various articles of valueless crockery) over with my foot, it fell with a violent crash, and at the same instant I alighted on the ground in perfect safety, the handkerchief having, as I expected, given way, and I extended myself upon the floor with my face towards the boards where I lay apparently without life or motion!
My Bessy, as I expected, alarmed at the tremendous clatter occasioned by the fall of the table, crockery, and myself, flew to my door, and upon receiving no answer as she pronounced my name, a dread of something fearful having occurred instantly filled her mind, and as my parting words recurred to her memory she threw herself with violence against the door, which instantly yielding flew wide open.
It would be absolutely impossible with words to describe the intense horror of her mind as she gazed upon the scene which met her view; and as she discovered the fragment of the handkerchief which still hung suspended from the staple, she in a moment guessed the fatal truth (1) and rushing to the spot on which I still lay prostrate, endeavoured to raise me in her arms, and with her scissors cut away the remaining portion, which upon her entrance I had contrived to press more tightly round my throat; she continued to rub my hands and bathe my temples with cold water for several minutes ere I thought proper to evince the least sign of returning animation; and when at last, with a groan of anguish I unclosed my eyes, gazing wildly around, and, with a look bordering on insanity, begged to be left to my unhappy fate, her tears flowed thick and fast, and flinging her arms around my neck, while pressing me to her bosom, she exclaimed, "Do you not know me, love? Speak to me-for God's sake, speak! 'Tis I, your own Bessy!"
As yet I deemed it prudent not to recognize her; but, looking at her with a vacant stare, sank from her arms in a state of seeming insensibility upon the floor.
Her distracted fears now imparted to her delicate frame the strength of a maniac; she turned me over upon my back with the same apparent ease as she could have turned a child; and now her tears, protestations, self-reproaches began to have a visible effect and rendered it expedient that I should gradually recover, as my emotions speedily threatened to betray me.
I once more opened my eyes, and seeming to recognise my supporter, faintly exclaimed, "How is it that I see you here? Tell me what has happened? Ah! now I remember all. Why, oh, why endeavour to restore me thus to life and misery? Go-leave me to my fate."
She answered, weeping, "Cruel man, why seek to do a deed that would render me for ever wretched. Had you succeeded in this mad attempt, think you that I could have survived, knowing myself to be cause of your despair? Compose yourself, my dearest, only love! Never again shall you complain of my unkindness."
And then she pressed a kiss upon my lips, sweet as the opening breath of a summer morn to new-born roses. Supported in her arms, I reached my bed; she placed me gently upon it and in a tone of sweet solicitation begged that I would not move until she returned. In less than five minutes she re-entered, having prepared a glass of brandy and water, which, in compliance with her earnest entreaty, I received from her hands and soon, of course, am wonderfully revived by its refreshing influence.
And now I feel her taper fingers moving cautiously about my neck; they anxiously endeavour to ascertain the extent of injury I had sustained in that quarter; but placing my arm around her waist, I eased her of her apprehensions by declaring that "I felt no wound but that her love would heal."
She answered with a look of fond reproach, "And yet you would be so wicked as to attempt an act which had it been completed, oh! what a wretch should I have been ere now. And though I value honour more than my own life, I feel-I own-that even that should be sacrificed rather than yours should be again by any fault of mine endangered."
At this generous declaration, I drew her to my bosom, covering her sweet face with amorous kisses; and though my hand presses her heaving breast, no spark of anger flashes from her brilliant eyes, now dimmed with the humid moisture of love and soft desire!
Encouraged by her passive bearing, each obstacle that for so many weary months had kept me from the haven of her arms was rapidly removed; no murmuring sound of disapproval escapes her lips; the beauteous objects "that charm my dazzled gaze are such as might have tempted Jove himself to quit his famed Elysium to secure!
No longer she opposes me. On the contrary, her deft fingers aid my awkward fumblings, and unasked by me she lets fall her last garment and stands before me naked.
"See here, my beloved!" — the words come swift and low from between her parted lips-"See here, my beloved! Because of my so long resisting you, you deem me cold and unloving. This is my answer. I give you my naked body to do with as you list. My breasts-for you to kiss and suck! My arms-to clasp your neck. My belly-for yours to rock upon! My legs-to coil and twist about your loins. And here (give me your hand) a pair of soft lips pouting for the joy they are about to feel when this noble fellow I am grasping goes pushing his lustful way between them and buries his rosy head in my womb. Come, my darling boy, come! lie between my legs and do with me and let me for the first time in my life taste the delights of knowing that I have within me the object of the man I love!"
So profound was my emotion upon hearing this wild and erotic tirade escape from the lips of the hitherto virtuous Bessy that for a moment or two I found myself pausing as one who seeks to collect his scattered senses. But my lovely lady was by no means in the mood for delay, and without giving me time for any further metaphysical reflections, she flung her white arms round my neck and falling backwards on the bed, threw open her legs, locked them behind my buttocks, and with a large and generous grasp of her hand upon my member drew me rapidly within the velvet folds I had so long and so vainly sought to enter.
In a moment the amorous widow, the fishmonger's luscious little daughter, and even the erotic prowess of the salacious Emma were alike forgotten in the long delayed consummation of our desires to which my love and I now eagerly bent ourselves. Again and again with undiminished rapture did I seal the bond of love. Again and again did the enchanted Bessy pull me down upon her naked body and, holding me as in a vice between her thighs, strain me to her swelling breast, and plunging her tongue far into my mouth imparted-as it were by the sheer magnetism of her own lust-a length and stiffness to my organ which repeated discharges seemed powerless to effect.
However, since all things must have an end, I at length whispered to Bessy that I had tousled her for the last time that night, and as we gazed upon each other with feelings of gratified delight we envied not the potentates of earth their riches or vain honours. Enthroned within each other's hearts, and crowned with the never-fading laurels of triumphant love, we could imagine no happiness superior to that we now enjoyed!
But, alas! how transient are the pleasures of this world. Suddenly my charmer's brow assumes an expression of uneasy sadness-the clock proclaims the hour of seven. Ah! I guess the cause-her husbandhateful theme-he'll soon be home! During the last few hours of ecstasy no thought of him had interfered; each had forgotten for a brief, though blissful period, that such an insipid, disagreeable d-d intruder lived to mar our mutual pleasures. But now the cursed recollection intrusive falls upon each heart, and like a ponderous weight beats down with fury irresistible the opening blossoms of ecstatic joy but newly rooted in our love-excited bosoms. And must I now resign to him those celestial charms in which so recently my soul has revelled?
She soon perceived my mental agony and guessing the cause, with angel kindness strove to sooth my troubled soul to rest, assuring me that although compelled perchance to share his bed, yet by feigned illness she would manage to evade his loathed caresses; which, as I afterwards discovered, was not a work of such great difficulty as I had at first imagined, for in the course of future confidential communications, my dear girl candidly acknowledged that the plenteous banquet I had shared with her on the first day of love's great festival would have sufficed the frugal dolt for a month at least.
As time and tide wait for no man, and Mr. E. was now momentarily expected, we thought it prudent for a time to part. I accordingly retired to my own apartment where I speedily concocted a plan by which to get rid of him for some few hours longer. Scarcely had he arrived, when opening my door I called to him by name; instantly answering, I begged he would walk in and take a seat; he did so; I then informed him that having an engagement to attend a concert on that evening, and feeling utterly incompetent to sing in public on this occasion (which, by the by, was really the case, although, as may be readily supposed, I did not think it at all requisite to explain to him the real cause, which I disguised under the convenient name of a severe cold), I requested that he would do me the favour of delivering a note to the musical director, which I would write, to inform him of my indisposition, and that in return for the kindness I solicited, I would ensure his admission to the performance, together with his wife. I then handed him a bill of the entertainments, which did in reality promise much amusement. He thankfully accepted my offer and went to consult his wife.
As I expected, he shortly returned to inform me that Mrs. E., feeling much fatigued after the labours of the day, was under the necessity of declining my kind offer, but added that if I would oblige him with an opportunity of obliging a friend, he should be most happy at any future time to return the favour. I accordingly wrote a few lines to the director, expressing regret that illness prevented me from fulfilling my professional duties and concluded with a request that he would admit the bearer and friend, which favour I was fully assured he would not refuse me.
E., having in a short time prepared himself, left home, congratulating himself on his anticipated amusement at so cheap a rate; and in less than five minutes his expecting wife was enclosed in my fond embrace.
Having assured her that we need not fear interruption for the next three hours, I with little difficulty prevailed on her to retire to rest, and without opposition I shortly followed; then, after some time passed in the most delightful converse, overcome with the sublimity of our happiness, we sank to sleep locked in each other's arms.
I awoke as the clock was striking twelve, when I arose, and having received a promise that no officious daring on the part of her husband should induce her to submit to his odious embrace-for that night at least-with a parting kiss I left her and repaired to my own apartment, there to seek in the downy arms of sleep that rest and refreshment I so greatly needed after the pleasing fatigues of that eventful day.
I have often heard an old adage, that "Joan is as good as my lady in the dark," which implies that all women resemble each other in a certain particular; but with all deference to more experienced practitioners, I must beg to differ with them in this instance; and, in defence of my opinion, I assure them that there was such a peculiar indescribable something about the person of my adored Bessy that I could have discovered her in the midst of a darkness thick as that which annoyed the Egyptians of yore and which sacred writers describe as a darkness that might be felt.
Nay, such was the influence of this magnetic charm upon my busy fancy that frequently during our long intimacy, when I have been toying with other women whose personal charms were infinitely superior to those of my soul's idol, I have felt no amatory longings; on the contrary, upon more than one occasion, when I have had a decided wish to impress some melting fair one with a magnificent idea of my prowess in the field of Venus, a most provoking coldness had pervaded my whole frame to such an extraordinary degree as to have created in me a temporary fear that I was on the point of becoming impotent; yet when, perhaps half an hour after I have beheld my Bessy, the slightest touch of her electric hand would kindle a raging fire within my veins, which by the sweetest of all operation she would ultimately contrive to quench. Then one gentle kiss would render all her former efforts unavailing — the dying embers gaining new vigour from her creative breath would instantly revive and again blaze forth with redoubled fury. But I digress.
The barrier once moved which had so long and stubbornly resisted my attempts to enter the flowery domains of the gentle goddess, I determined amply to repay myself for the time lost in the tedious pursuit.
I have before stated that Mr. E. left home each morning at six o'clock and, as his business lay some distance from his dwelling, took provisions with him for the day; consequently we feared no interruption on his part till between the hours of eight and nine at night; no sooner, therefore, did I hear his usual farewell each morning than rolling up my clothes into a convenient bundle I placed them beneath my arm; as the closing of the outer door proclaimed his glad departure I sought the room which he had quitted, where my expectant Bessy's open arms invited me to rapture; and upon her lovely breast I generally lay reclined till nine o'clock, when the industrious cry of the buxom milkmaid would call her from my arms; but she left me only for the purpose of preparing the welcome morning meal, which refreshing repast, rendered more delightful by cheerful and unrestrained converse of love and happiness, was no sooner over than having dressed,
— We arm in arm would stray,
And through the verdant meadows take our way;
Enjoy the frugal meals in shady bowers,
And mark the beauty of the opening flowers.
Returning, oft indulge in amorous play,
Among the hillocks of sweet-scented hay;
Smile at the rustic's face of troubled woe, To see his heaps thus scattered to and fro;
Whilst he, in terms that prudish ears would shock, Rails at the act which floor'd his well-formed cock.
The reader will probably be inclined to think that, being now in full possession of that for which so long I had been sighing, I was perfectly satisfied. Alas! he was never more mistaken in his life, for Jealousy, in all its terrors, now took possession of my soul. Jealousy! you will exclaim; and of whom pray? I'll tell you-the infernal husband! Yes, taking advantage of the privileges that name allows he will dare presume to share these joys with me, which having tasted I would entirely appropriate to myself.
Many will consider me unreasonable; let them. I cannot help it; she must be mine, and mine alone. I name my discontent to her, of which, to my great joy, she approves — in fact declares that from the moment when she first abandoned herself to love and me, a similar desire had filled her heart. She assured me, with a blush, that since the completion of our mutual felicity nothing upon earth could be to her so fulsome as the embraces of her husband, whom she now held in abhorrence; that during our intimacy, which had now continued for three blissful weeks, she had availed herself of every reasonable excuse to avoid his importunities; yet she acknowledged, with tears in her eyes, and blushing downcast face, that notwithstanding every effort on her part she had been compelled, on one or two occasions, to submit to his detested freedoms since the heavenly moment when she first began to live.
She vowed that she felt it quite impossible to continue such a life; she would not be the property of two; and now, for the first time, offered to leave her home, child, and husband at a moment's notice to wander through the world with me, urging me to fix a day at once in order that she might lose no time in preparing for our future comforts.