In vain she endeavoured to argue me out of this determination; I was adamant. In vain she pleaded the violent fervour of her love, and that she preferred a crust with me to all the delicacies in the world apart from me. I was too tenderly alive to her comforts to consent to such a sacrifice; and when at length she suffered herself to be persuaded and requested to know in what way she could best ensure my happiness I imparted my plan to her; it was that she should seek an opportunity to quarrel with her husband-which I well knew his peevish disposition would readily afford her, and as on such occasions he never failed to give her ample grounds of complaint she could, in the excitement of the moment, take an oath to withdraw herself from his arms and bed for ever! — giving him to understand at the same time that the welfare of their infant alone prevented her from leaving his house altogether.
Wild as this proposition may appear to the cool eye of reason, she readily pledged her word to me that it should be complied with to the very letter, only claiming in return a promise on my part that, in the event of his becoming clamorous for a restitution of his conjugal rights- which in the course of a few weeks might probably be the case-that rather than see her reduced to such a detestable alternative I would, at all hazards, immediately procure a lodging and at once remove her from him.
As I could not possibly urge any reasonable objection to such conditions, I made the required promise without further hesitation; and that very night the desired opportunity occurred, of which, in obedience to the agreement we had made, she joyfully availed herself and her purpose was effected!
Fortune appeared so favourable to our designs that he returned home in a temper more morose than usual, and as she did not strive by a patient submission to every caprice to soothe him into gentleness as she was wont to do, he, in a moment of irritation, threw a basin at her head with such violence that, striking against the opposite wall, it was shivered into a thousand pieces; and had she not fortunately stepped aside at the very instant, it must have been attended with fatal consequences.
All, however, was in accordance with her wishes, and, as I have before stated that I could overhear almost every word that was spoken in their parlour while sitting in my bedchamber, I need scarcely say with what pleasure I listened to her solemn declaration that "from that moment she was resolved to discontinue all intercourse with him for ever!"
To which his mild and gentle answer was "You may be d-d!" and she certainly was not importuned by the brute during that night.
I found the following morning upon paying her my usual visit, that she had made her bed upon the sofa, which she declared should be her only resting place while she continued with him, and having a heavy debt of gratitude to pay we adjourned to the couch Sir Cornuto had quitted, where I endeavoured, by vows of eternal constancy in the future and by the instant production of a most upright and trustworthy witness to my love in the present, to make ample compensation for the anguish she had endured throughout the previous night.
Nothing could exceed the mortification of Mr. E. when, more than a week having passed away, he found his once foolishly obedient wife still obstinately firm in rejecting every overture of peace and in withholding from him those favours which he considered none but himself had ever shared or had a right to claim; but when she further threatened if he persisted in tormenting her with such vain and hopeless solicitations she would instantly quit his house, and that he might send the infant out to nurse, his astonishment may be imagined; but I defy the ablest writer of the day to do justice to it by description.
After such proofs of ardent love, can it be believed that I was not yet satisfied; such, however, was the case, for I am naturally so prone to suspicion that, judging of her husband's feelings by my own, I began to doubt whether it were possible that a man, and that man a husband, could night after night remain in the same apartment with a young and lovely woman, and she his wedded wife, without demandingnay, enforcing-compliance in such a point as the one in question; or might she not be making me her dupe? 'Tis true that I every morning found her upon her solitary couch; but then what could be more easy than for her, after passing the night in her husband's arms, to quit the bed at his departure and gain her couch in time sufficient to deceive my sight; all this might really happen and the mere reflection nearly drove me crazy; nay, so strong was the conviction on my mind that I was cozened that I at length accused her of inconstancy, and that in the most abrupt manner, believing that in the sudden surprise her confusion would betray her guilt.
But no, I wrong her; deeply, cruelly wrong her. True it is that she expressed surprise, but it was surprise blended with indignation at the base suspicion; she taxes me with cruelty, demanding to know what she had left undone to give me satisfaction or what she could still do to remove my doubts and secure my confidence.
I craved pardon for my weakness, urging the violence of my love as an excuse; she seals my forgiveness with a fond embrace, and even felt flattered by my unreasonable jealousy; and before we parted further agreed, nay insisted, that in order to convince me of her truth and that doubt might in future be entirely out of the question she would place the sofa which formed her bed in such a position that on my returning home each night, by applying my eye to the keyhole of her door, I could plainly perceive it all was in accordance with my wishes, and that a night lamp should be left burning in her room for that especial purpose.
Matters had continued in this state for nearly two months when an incident occurred that had nearly proved fatal to my happinessperhaps to me.
I had left home for the purpose of attending a concert at the I-r SRooms, when shortly after my first song I was seized with a violent spasmodic pain in the chest which increased to such a degree that I was compelled to send for a coach and immediately proceeded home.
On my arrival the door was opened by Mr. E., who perceiving my indisposition enquired with much apparent kindness the nature of my complaint, for the relief of which he advised me to try a glass of burnt brandy, with a little ground ginger, sweetened with moist sugar (which, by the by, is a most excellent remedy in all spasmodic cases), and as I did not happen to have any of this spirit in the house he offered his services to procure some from a neighbouring wine vault; I thanked him for his attention and proceeded to my own chamber where, throwing myself upon the bed, I moaned aloud, so violent was the pain I was still enduring.
No sooner had he departed in quest of the requisite liquor than his-or rather, my-Bessy entered the apartment and tenderly endeavouring to soothe my anguish raised me in her arms and imprinted a kiss of affection upon my parched lips.
At this moment we were suddenly alarmed by hearing the key of the street door thrust into the lock in a hurried manner and the voice of E., evidently half suffocated with extreme agitation, exclaim, "Bessy!
Bessy, come here!"
As the time he had left the house was not sufficient to allow of his having reached even the nearest tavern, I was for a few moments greatly puzzled in what manner to account for his instantaneous return; but did not long remain in ignorance of the unpleasant truth, for as the conversation in the next room became louder I plainly heard him accuse his wife of inconstancy, or at least of acting with unbecoming levity towards me; although he was evidently endeavouring to subdue his voice, I occasionally caught the following disjointed sentences:
"Don't tell me, I am satisfied, it was as I say."
"But why not listen to reason?"
"Reason be d-d! I have listened to reason a cursed deal too long."
"Well, but allow me to convince you of what I really did and do not make yourself ridiculous by persisting in-"
"D-n, madam! do you think I won't believe my own eyes? I am perfectly convinced already. Why do you stand between me and the door? Is it to save your smock-faced paramour from my vengeance?
D-n me, but he shall smart for this!"
"Listen to me for one moment, and for heaven's sake don't expose your folly to the neighbourhood; depend upon it that you'll sorely rue this conduct. If I fail to convince you of my innocence it will then be time enough for you to publish my shame. As it is, you only make yourself contemptible, for that I can convince you is indeed most certain."
The last words of his wife appeared to have produced the desired effect, for the conversation that ensued was carried on in such an undertone that I could not distinguish another sentence; and in a few minutes after I heard him leave the house a second time with his original intention, while Bessy tauntingly exclaimed, "To prevent the possibility of another mistake, I'll stand at the door till you return."
She took her station there accordingly, merely seizing an opportunity as she saw him turn the corner of the street to whisper through my but half-closed door, "No doubt you have heard the subject of our quarrel; excuse my coming to you now, love; tomorrow all shall be explained, but pray do not disturb yourself on my account. The mischief is now over; make yourself easy, and above all be careful of your health on my account."
With these consoling words, she resumed her former station at the door.
Mr. E. in a short time returned and, having with the assistance of his wife prepared my medicine, a tantalizing conversation ensued, from which I discovered that, ashamed of his former suspicions, he was endeavouring to prevail on her to bring me the cordial. I plainly heard her answer, which she doubtless intended that I should-"No, no, it shall be my fault if ever I put it in your power to suspect me again; and even now I have half a mind to acquaint Mr. — with your ridiculous fancies, and if I should, you will lose the best lodger you ever had, and serve you quite right."
"Come, come," he replied, "d-n it, drop the subject; it was all a mistake and any other man might have been deceived by such appearances; so don't be foolish."
"Well, then, let's go together."
They entered my room accordingly. Having drunk the potation, E., in a very friendly tone and as if nothing had occurred of an unpleasant tendency, wished me goodnight, while his sweet wife, although she spoke not, said quite sufficient with her intelligent eyes to render me happy during the night.
Being left alone, and my pain having greatly abated, I soon fell asleep, from which I awoke in the morning greatly refreshed and in perfect health, every symptom of the previous night's disorder having entirely left me. Anxious to hear the particulars of the before-mentioned quarrel, I instantly sought the presence of my love, who, overjoyed to find me so soon recovered, received me in her arms, and before proceeding with her narration vowed that after the excitements and misunderstandings of the night a soothing draught of some kind was wholly indispensable. I should have mentioned before that, whilst giving all due time and attention to the claims of the "legitimate drama," Bessy had under my careful tuition acquired a remarkable fondness for oral exercises, which her love for me, combined with the dictates of a highly erotic nature, quickly led her to perform with incomparable skill and gusto. On this occasion her fresh red mouth applied itself most lovingly to my delighted yard, engulfing it to the root, whilst my responsive tongue pushed softly between the lips of her coynte, and in a very few moments the exquisite pleasurable encounter was brought to its inevitable conclusion.
Oh, blessed daughter of the fishmonger, may the pillows lie soft beneath your snowy buttocks as your lord and master lies between your outspread thighs and deals you of his best! For to you, and you alone, do I owe the knowledge of this enchanting pastime, and but for you my love and I might have gone to the end of our days unthinking of the bliss we had but to put forth our lips to taste! So may the kindly god Priapus send you at your utmost need a skilful finger, a penetrating tongue, and a bold and generous dart to tickle, suck, or friction your dainty parts as your soul may desire and the amorous needs of the moment dictate!
The three articles above referred to were all brought into play, and more than once before I was sufficiently calm to give due attention to Bessy's spirited account of the causes which led to the recent rupture.
It appears that, yielding to an unaccountable impulse, dictated by jealousy, Mr. E., upon leaving the house, instead of proceeding at once to the spirit-merchant's had mounted the sill of the window, and thus being enabled to look through the hole cut in the top of the shutter for the purpose of admitting light, he had the mortification to behold his wife's arms round my neck and her lips pressed closely to mine, as I have previously related, when instantly re-entering the house he called her to him, telling her what he had perceived and at the same time reviling her with the most opprobious names; he flatly accused her of inconstancy, she persisted in her protestations of innocence, but all in vain; for a long time he refused to listen to her; and in fact it must be acknowledged that it was no easy matter to persuade a man to doubt the evidence of his own eyes; this arduous task, however, she at last managed to accomplish. She exclaimed against the folly of giving way to false appearances, pointing out to him the absurdity of his conduct in believing that he could really discern her exact situation from the position he had taken meanly to pry into her conduct; allowing, however, that any other man might have been equally deceived by similar appearances; she only blamed him for the violence of the language in which he vented his suspicions; she acknowledged that at the distance from which he had viewed the apparently obnoxious act, and from the situation in which she was standing at the moment, more particularly as her back was towards him, he might had been mistaken. But why not have demanded an explanation in milder terms when she could and would, in one moment, have fully satisfied him as to the purity of her intentions.
Surprised at the collected manner in which she met this serious charge, his passion gradually abated, and as we are all ever prone to believe that which we most desire, he in a milder tone requested that she would lose no time, but that if it were really possible proceed immediately to set his ruffled mind at rest by a plain and candid statement of the facts, which she did in the following terms:
"Well, sir, although I feel that apology is due from you to me, yet in justice to myself will I condescend to answer your demand and shame you out of such vile suspicions. You know that state in which you left our lodger, a condition which of itself was sufficient to dispel the doubts of any reasonable man; and having occasion to enter his room for a glass in which to prepare the intended remedy I was alarmed at hearing sounds proceed from him as from a person in agonies of suffocation. I spoke to him, but receiving no answer I advanced to his bedside. My worst fears were confirmed; his head had slipped from the pillow and he was breathing with great difficulty. Fearing he was dying I immediately raised his head, in doing which I was compelled to lean forward, and I have no doubt that it was at this moment when your jealous eyes beheld me and which you thought proper to interpret according to your own depraved imagination. I do not deny that from the situation in which you had foolishly placed yourself I might have appeared to be in closer contact with the man than the dictates of morality would warrant; yet when every circumstance is carefully considered I even now maintain that I must have been devoid of common feeling had I acted otherwise; that all I have been describing was but the business of a moment, you will know, for surely two minutes could not have elapsed from the time you left the house until you re-entered it and called me away in order to vent your jealous spleen upon me in the unmanly, brutal, and cowardly manner so peculiarly your own."
Perfectly satisfied by this ingenious explanation the affair was dropped and never more alluded to by him. Our intimacy continued as before; I awoke each morning to share the joys of love, and every night beheld my faithful partner on her lonely couch ere I myself retired to rest; but soon a variety of circumstances combined which, notwithstanding our utmost caution, threatened to awake the demon of Jealousy that for a time had slumbered in his breast and render it expedient, in order to ensure safety, that one or both of us should quit E.'s house for ever.
While sitting at home one morning I was unexpectedly called on to attend a gentleman who had been deputed by a civic committee to engage me for a public dinner which was to be held the following day about three miles from town; the entertainment upon this occasion was to be followed by a ball, to which the wives and daughters of the jovial citizens were invited.
Having agreed as to terms, etc., he politely informed me that if I had any friends who would like to join me in the evening he had a few tickets of admission which were entirely at my service. I availed myself of this kind offer and he presented me with admission for three persons.
In order to prevent suspicion, I presented two to the husband of the fair Emma, with an intimation that if not better engaged I should be happy to join their party; the other I reserved for Bessy, and it was ultimately agreed, in consequence of my attendance being required several hours before the time specified on the cards for the admission of the ladies, and as Mr. S., the husband of Emma, could not leave his business before eight o'clock, that the two females should start together at six, Mr. S. could wait at home the arrival of E., acquaint him with the invitation each of them had received, and should he feel an inclination to accompany Mr. S. I would, upon being sent for, endeavour to obtain an additional admittance for him.
Shortly after seven o'clock the ladies arrived, and having performed my professional duties I had the pleasure of escorting them through the beautiful gardens with which the place abounded; whispering soft compliments into the willing ears of each alternately, while each, believing herself the sole object of my secret adoration, returned the stolen pressure of my hand, and occasionally a small but thickset grove of trees would cause our arms to separate, affording me a hasty opportunity of pressing the pliant lips of one, unseen by the other; such, indeed, was the peculiar nature of my feelings that I was more than once tempted to exclaim, in the language of Macheath, How happy could I be with either, Were t'other dear charmer away.
About eight, the preparations for dancing being completed, the ball commenced; but finding that my fair companions preferred the refreshing breeze of the gardens to the sultry and oppressive heat of a crowded ballroom, I, being no very ardent admirer of the dance, cheerfully complied with their request to quit the room; and as night's sable veil rendered surrounding objects more obscure I had various opportunities of indulging in little pleasing, though perhaps not altogether delicate liberties, which, together with the exhilarating influence of the bumpers I had previously taken, filled my soul with the most tantalizing ideas.
Nor were the ladies by any means in too severely chaste a mood, as will be understood when the reader learns that, as we sat on a rustic bench, the fingers of Bessie's right hand were moving amorously upon the lower part of my weapon whilst at one and the same moment Emma's red mouth was engaged upon the nut. But the risk of a collision was too great and, whispering to Bessy that I could endure her caressing touch no longer, I removed her fingers and, tucking them under my arm, placed my left hand upon Emma's head and pushed it gently downwards until such time as her pliant tongue and rosy lips had brought about the natural result of their exquisitely lascivious operations.
After enjoying the varied beauties of nature for upwards of an hour in the most retired walks, the time having arrived when we expected Mr.
S., we thought it prudent to seek the more frequented parts of the gardens, and a few moments later saw him advancing towards us.
He soon gave us to understand that but little comfort might be expected for the remainder of the evening, as E. was then waiting without in the very worst of tempers, being sorely displeased at his wife's having dared to venture upon visiting a place of public amusement without having previously obtained his permission.
Having whispered Bessy not to feel the least alarm at his discontent and assuring her that should anything unpleasant occur in consequence of her having accepted my invitation, I would immediately take her under my protection. I certainly felt myself most agreeably flattered, as pressing my hand she answered in an equally gentle tone, "Oh, my love! if you really are sincere, how much rather would I incur his anger than endure his smile!"