A health Jove began to the best end of Juno, By which they had often been "Junctus in Uno," The bowl went about with much simp'ring and winking, Each God lick'd his lips, at the health he was drinking; Whilst Venus and Pallas look'd ready to rave, That her Goddesship's scut should such preference have; The bowl being large, hoping the rather Their amiable rumps might have swam altogether. Thus both being vex'd, Venus swore by her power, The nectar had something in't, made it drink sowre: Which Pallas confirm'd by her shield and her sword, And vow'd 'twas as musty besides as a T-d But Juno perceiving 'twas out of ill-nature, That Venus and Pallas abus'd the good creature, Because to her Peacock, precedence was given, As the best and finest fledg'd bird in the Heaven; Insinuating under a wink and a snicker, As if the good health had corrupted the liquor: And finding they'd cast this reflection upon her, In Juno 'twas justice to stand by her honour: Who raising her bum from her seat in a passion, To Venus and Pallas she made this oration: "Pray Goddesses! What do you mean, I beseech it, To basely reflect on my Tippet-de-wichet? I know by your smiles, leering looks, and your winks, And your items and jeers, you'd insinuate it stinks: Dispraising the nectar, well knowing you meant, That a health to my Tw-t gave the juice an ill scent. Nay, laugh if you please, for I know I'm extreamly To blame, thus to blurt out a word so unseemly. But all know the proverb, wherein it is said, That a What is a What, and a Spade is a Spade; And now I'm provok'd, for a truth I may tell it, Tho' as red as a fox, yet it smells like a vi'let. By Jove I'll be judge, if I am not as sweet, I may say, as a primrose, from head to my feet. And he, you may swear, who's my husband and lover, Has kist me, and felt me, and smelt me all over, And if he can say an ill scent does arise, From my ears, or my armpits, my c-t, or my thighs, Like rotten old Cheshire, low Vervane or Ling, And altho' I'm goddess, I'll hang in a string. Your self, Lady Fair, that arose from the sea, Sure will not presume to be fragrant as me: The spark that has laid at your feet all his trophies, Has smelt you sometimes strong as pickl'd anchovies: But what if he has, were you ranker and older, You'd be e'en good enough for a smith or a soldier." These words put the Goddess of Love in a fire, And make her look redder than Mars that was by her. "My beauty," said Venus, "obtain'd the Gold Apple." "Mine A-s Kiss," says Juno, "you shall have a couple. I'd have you to know, Queen of Sluts, I defie you, And all you can say, or the bully that's by you. And as for that Tomboy that boasts she can wield, In quarrels and brangles, her lance and her shield, That never yet tasted the heavenly blessing, But always lov'd fighting, much better than kissing: I know she'd be glad to be ravish'd by force, By some lusty God, that's as strong as a horse. But who'd be so forward, unless he was tipsie, To choose for a miss, such a masculine gipsie? A termagant dowdy, a nasty old maid; Who flights copulation, as if she was spay'd: Which makes me believe, that under her bodice, She wants the dear gem, that's the pride of a Goddess." Now Pallas, enrag'd at so high a reflection, Cry'd out, "I thank Jove, I am made in perfection, And ev'ry thing have, from a hole to a hair, Becoming the Goddess of Wisdom and War; As Paris well knew, when he took a survey, Of those parts where a Goddess's excellence lay; Who strok'd it and smil'd, when my legs he had parted, And peep'd till I thought his poor eyes would have started. Then licking his lips, did aver to be true, I was each way as full well accomplish'd as you. Indeed, Madam Juno, I'll therefore be plain, If ever I hear these reflections again: I vow as a Goddess, and no mortal sinner, I shall have no patience, but handle your pinner." With that the Great Jupiter rose up in hot anger, And looking on Pallas, was ready to bang her. "Pox take ye," says he, "is your scolding a lecture, That ought to be preach'd o'er a bowl of good nectar? To drink we came hither, to sing and be civil; As gods, to be merry, and not play the devil. Why, mortals on earth, that live crowded in allies, As laundresses, porters, poor strumpets and bullies; When got o'er a gallon of belch, or a sneaker Of punch, could not wrangle more over their liquor. And you that are Goddesses, thus to be squabbling, As if you were bred up to scow'ring and dabbling! And all for a fig, or a fart, or a feather, Or some silly thing that's as trivial as either! For shame, my Fair Goddesses, bridle your passions, And make not in heaven such filthy orations About your bumfiddles; a very fine jest! When the heavens all know, they but stink at the best. Tho' ye think you much mend with your washes the matter, And help the ill-scent with your orange flower water; But when you've done all, 'tis but playing the fool, And like stifling a T-d, in a cedar close stool: Besides, Gods of judgment have often confest That the natural scent without art is the best." The Goddesses all, at these sayings, took snuff, And rose from their seats in a damnable huff: Their frowns and their blushes, they mingled together, And went off in a passion, I do not know hither.
"Here's another fine burlesque poem I'll read, if you don't mind," continued Frank, "it's called 'Vulcan and Venus.'"
VULCAN AND VENUS
Says Vulcan to Venus, "Pray where have you been?" "Abroad," cries the Goddess, "to see and be seen." "I fear," says the blacksmith, "you lead an ill life, Tho' a Goddess, I doubt you're a bitch of a wife." "Why, how now," cries Venus, "altho' you're my spouse, If you bitch me, you brute, have a care of your brows; Why sure you don't think, I, the Goddess of Beauty, By dint of ill language, will prove the more true t'ye; Be civil, you'd best, or I vow by my placket, I'll make the god Mars bastinado your jacket!" "Are you there with your bears?" Smung replies to his Hussey. "Does Mars still refresh your old Furbilo, does he; I feel by my forehead a coat that is scarlet, Of all kinds of baits, is the best for a harlot; For beauty, I find, as 'tis commonly said, Will nibble like fish at a rag that is red; But Hussey, tell me any more of your Mars, And I'll run a hot bar in your Goddesship's arse; I fear not your threats, there's a fart for your bully, No whore in the Heavens shall make me her cully!" "You run a hot bar in my bum," quoth the dame, "Its a sign you've a mighty respect for the same; If your love be so little as to abuse it, I'll keep it for those who know better to use it; I'm certain no Goddess that values her honour, Would bear the indignities you put upon her, And not from that minute resolve out of spite, To improve your old horns till they hang in your light." "You're an impudent slut," cries the smung at his bellows, "And I the unhappiest of all marry'd fellows: I know you have made me a ram, I have seen it, I catch'd you, you Whore, in the critical minute, Fast lock'd in the arms of your lecherous God, Whilst his brawny posteriors went niddity nod; And you, like a Slut, lay as pleased and contented, As if every joint of your body consented; Altho' when you found you were spy'd by your buck, Then you struggl'd and strove like a pig that is stuck, And dismounting your God, would have made your escape, But I saw by your actions it could be no rape; Tho' when you first heard, by my patting-shoe tread, My approach to your Whoreship's adulterous bed, I know you'd have flown with your coats and your bodice, And afterwards vow'd 'twas some other lewd Goddess; But my net was too strong, it prevented your flying, And so put a stop to your swearing and lying. Besides, that the Gods might behold what a Slut Of a Beautiful Queen they amongst them had got, I call'd 'em about, that their Honours might stand, And be pimps to your Goddesship's bus'ness in hand, That in case you the truth shou'd hereafter deny, I might call the whole Heavens to witness you lie." "And what did you get?" cries the amorous dame, "For the pains that you took, but a Cuckoldy Name; 'Tis true you're confirmed you've a Whore for your wife, Pray is that any comfort or ease to your life; And have made it appear to the Gods as a jest, That your wife's reputation is none of the best; Does that make your labour more easy or sweet, Or give you more gust to your drink or your meat? 'Tis true, you are fam'd for the net you have made, Pray what did you catch in't but horns for your head; You know that your rival don't value a trap, Or a net, any more than a child or a clap; A soldier is never asham'd of his vices, But rather is proud of a Goddess's kisses; And thinks it adds more to a hero's renown, To subdue a fair lady than conquer a town; Your spite must be therefore intended alone, Against me, and that my little faults might be known; Since 'tis as it is, I am very well pleas'd, Your head shall be loaded, my tail shall be eas'd; For since you have publish'd my shame and disgrace, And have made me a jest to the heavenly race; I'll be impudent now, and whenever I meet, My dear favourite Mars, tho' it be in the street; If a bulk be but near, I will never more dally, He shall, if it pleases him, ay marry shall he; Thus all you shall get by your open detection, Of one silly error in female affection, Is a wife that will cuckold you worse out of spite, Now she's catch'd, than before she e're did for delight; To punish thy head and heart, that very vice, Which I us'd but in private whilst honour was nice; I'll publickly now practice over and o'er, Till thou'rt fain'd for a Cuckold and I for a Whore." Cries Vulcan, "Could ever man think that a Goddess, Admir'd for her charms by such numbers of noddies, Should ever be curst with so rampant a tail, That will wallow more love-sap, than I can do ale; A pox on your rump, for I plainly see 'tis As salt as your parents, Oceanus and Tethys. But had I first known you had sprung from salt water, The Devil for me, should have marry'd the daughter; Besides, you are grown both so lustful and bold, And for all your sweet looks, have a Billingsgate tongue, That is fifty times worse than a fishwoman's hung. If these be the plagues of a beautiful wife, O ease me, Great Jove, of so cursed a life; If La Pies divine, who inhabit the Heavens, Will Whore on like mortals, at sixes and sevens; Rave, rattle, and taunt at their horrify'd spouses, And ramble abitching thro' all the twelve houses; For all your fine features I'll e'en give you over, The charms of a Whore are but plagues to a lover. Get you gone and be pox'd, to your old bully Mars, Let a God be a slave to your Goddesship's A-s; Whilst I'm contempt of your infamous rump, On my anvil will knock, with a thump, a thump-thump!"
The second day after Frank had read these curious old bits to his parents and sister, they were all delighted by the arrival of young Harry Mortimer to spend a day with his old school-mate.
To judge by appearances Mr. Etheridge had every cause for the curious desires he had confessed to, two days before. Harry was a really handsome youth of seventeen, with golden coloured hair, the bloom of the peach on his cheeks, and a most loveable pair of deep blue eyes which seemed full of the humid fire of love. He had also a finely developed form, which his close-fitting garments set off to the best advantage, and, above all, what had the most charm for the eyes of his friends as they so heartily welcomed him to their house was the evident precocity of his organs of love, which in their quiescent state showed a most prominent lump in his trousers.
Mrs. Etheridge: "Why Harry, what a fine fellow you have grown since I saw you a year ago. No doubt you are too bashful to kiss Ethel now, but you will surely embrace an old friend like me, who used to nurse you in my arms as a baby," giving him such an amorous hug and smack upon his cheeks that the young fellow blushed up to his eyes.
After luncheon Frank took Harry for a walk, and asking him if he would like to look at their horses, they bent their steps to the stables where the groom Thomas, a fine handsome young fellow of about twenty, was polishing the coats of his charges, at the same time as he emitted that curious hissing which all stablemen so mysteriously accustom themselves to when busy over their work. He did not see the two young gentlemen till they had been watching his operations for a few seconds, but as soon as he did so, respectfully touched his cap and asked them to look at his horses.
Walking into the stable, Thomas, cap in hand, respectfully pointed out all the perfections of his pets and the neatness of all the appointments. Then he conducted them into the harness room, which was at the top of a short flight of stairs.
Thomas was about to close an interior door, which half open gave a view into his own private quarters, when, a sudden idea striking him, Frank said, "You won't mind, Thomas, if we take a peep into your sanctum-unless you have got a young lady you would rather we did not see. I only want to let Mr. Mortimer see how cosy your room is, besides, you know, I have often had a sly smoke with you there on wet days when I was home for the holidays before, and I know you have always got some nice clean glasses in your cupboard, if not anything better than water to offer us. But I have taken care of that and brought a good flask of finest brandy. I got the housekeeper to give me some of papa's real vieux cognac. It's ever so old and goes down like milk. Just the thing, Thomas, to keep you up to your work when you have a nice girl. But I forget you never do anything of the sort, eh! How about little Lucy, the under-housemaid, who I hear had to go home with a big belly not long ago?"
"Lord, sir!" said Thomas, quite enjoying Frank's joke, "that'll be another of old Stroker's kids when it's born. He did it when she went up to be taught her confirmation lesson. I'm told he confirmed seven girls in fucking, this examination. He's a regular ram of a parson, and will soon be the father of all the young'uns in the parish. I wonder Master let Miss Ethel go to him at all. I always suspected the old fellow after the way he treated me."
They entered the snug little bedroom, where everything was a clean as a new pin, and seated themselves on the only two chairs that were there, whilst the groom brought out the glasses and fetched a jug of bright sweet spring water from the pump outside.
Frank, mixing a rather stiffish drop, said, "Now, Thomas, drink the Rev. Mr. Stroker's health, and then tell us all about his tricks with you."
Himself and Harry also took a little of the brandy. And Thomas, pressed to begin, cleared his throat and commenced:
"Well, Mr. Frank and Mr. Mortimer, I don't mind letting you into the secret, but the fact is every time I think of the old rascal's indecency it makes my cock stand, but you must not tell a soul what I now tell you."
"All right, go on, old fellow, just a drop more brandy to encourage your bashfulness, eh!" laughed Frank.
Thomas, wiping his mouth after a good swig at the brandy and water: "Well, sirs, that righteous old sinner, as an Irishman would say, began by asking me questions about who made me. If I knew there was a God and a Devil. Then about the world and the flesh, and so on, a lot of rubbish out of the church prayerbook. 'You know, Thomas, my boy,' he said, 'that the "flesh" means having to do with girls and other dirty indecent things which come into the heads of rude boys. Now tell me if you ever did anything of that kind with other boys or girls?'
"This was rather a poser for me. I didn't like to tell a downright lie and knew I had been a party to one or two little games of that sort, such as we used to do in the hayfield, throwing the girls down, turning up their clothes, and showing them our cocks, which no doubt the old rascal knew. I could feel my face was turning quite red with confusion. 'Ha, I see what it is, Thomas! I must thoroughly examine you and tell by the look of your penis' (that is the word I think he used, but you know he meant my cock), as he ordered me to unbutton and show him my privates, and he would soon tell if I had been up to any of the Devil's wickedness.
"As soon as I was exposed to him he told me to draw the skin of my cock back, which I did.
"'Do it again, my boy, there now, again-two or three times mind.'
"Then I expect he saw slight signs of a rise, saying, 'Do it quicker-quicker, boy' till I had the horn quite stiff.
"'My gracious! You're finely grown for your age, Thomas. Now did you never show that to a gal?'
"'Well, sir,' I said, rather shamefaced at what he was making me do, 'I did once, but only once, sir, and Polly Jones felt it with her hand, and let me feel what her cock was like, too.'
"'Fine goings on in my parish, 'pon my word, Thomas, but what sort a thing had she got? Because you know gals have nothing like this,' he said, taking hold of my standing prick.
"'She'd-she'd only a little crack, sir,' I replied. 'Pray let me go now, sir, I don't like it.' He was regularly frigging me.
"'Silly boy, here's a half-crown to keep quiet, if you let me handle it a bit, and you shall have another every time you come to me,' he said, giving me the money, and soon frigged me to a spend and then let me go. I didn't think much harm in it, and was very glad to get the parson's half-crowns, so went twice a week for examination. He wasn't satisfied with just frigging me, but sometimes went down on his knees and sucked my cock till I spent in his mouth, which I liked better, but when he wanted me to do the same for him, and even offered me a sovereign, I wouldn't do it, only let him rub his great cock against my belly and balls, and then he would spend, holding the head of my prick against his own and so drawing his own foreskin over it. Then I had the sovereign never to open my lips about it, and at last was confirmed."
Frank now gave Thomas a drop more brandy and asked him if he would like to be mesmerized, adding, "If you are game to let me, you will then have to answer truthfully any questions I ask and do everything I tell you."
Thomas: "Now, Mr. Frank, you are trying to get at me-as if I would believe that. I ain't afraid. You may try."
Frank: "Then look me steadily in the face, and let me hold you by your two thumbs."
Thomas: "All right, sir, but I be sure you can't make me do as you say."
For a little while he resisted the effects of Frank's mesmeric art, but in less than five minutes his eyes had a quite vacant look, and in obedience to his young master he seated himself on the side of the bed.
"Now, Harry, let me do you as well, as I have an idea I want to carry out."
"You may take hold of my thumbs as you did with Thomas, but I defy you to mesmerize me," said Harry, laughing.
"That's too bad," replied Frank with a smile, "but there's no harm in trying what I can do, old fellow, eh?"
It was a hard task to fix the gaze of his youthful companion, but by patience and perseverance Frank succeeded at last in putting him also into a perfect state of mesmeric sleep.
"Now, my fine fellows, I shall be well rewarded for my trouble before I bring you round again, and it's my turn before I fetch Papa on the scene, I think."
He stripped himself, and ordered his two subjects to do the same, put a small box of cold cream under the pillow of the bed so as to be at hand, then contemplated and handled the young groom and his friend.
Thomas was furnished with a lovely tosser, which swelled rapidly under his touches as he uncovered the ruby head and gently pulled the foreskin backward and forward.
"Now, Thomas, keep yourself stiff by gentle frigging, but mind not to spend till I order you," he said; then he turned to the beautiful Harry Mortimer, who came to his side as soon as ordered. He was indeed an Adonis-splendidly shaped in every limb, delightfully plump and firm white flesh, rosy cheeks, sparkling blue eyes-but Frank was so engrossed with his jewel of a prick, which was a perfect gem of the first water, nearly eight inches long when erect, as white and hard as ivory, yet of velvety softness to the touch, and set in a bed of soft, curly, golden-brown hair, which ornamented the roots and shaded the full bag of tricks in their receptacle below.
How Frank handled, caressed, and kissed this treasure of love, as he ejaculated, "Oh, Papa, oh Mamma, what a thrill the sight of this will give you both. But I must enjoy it first!"
Placing himself on the bed, sitting up with his back supported by a pillow, he ordered Thomas to straddle his lap. Taking up the box of cream, he first anointed the head of his own impatient priapus, then did the same to Thomas' fundament, working his two fingers well in it, which made the groom's prick throb and stiffen enormously. Then Frank adjusted his tool to the wrinkled orifice; in obedience to his mysterious influence Thomas slowly impaled himself upon it, till his buttocks embraced its whole length and Frank had his man's cock deliciously chafing and rubbing between their naked bellies at every movement. Passing his hands under Thomas' armpits, Harry was made to come forwards behind the groom and present his glorious prick over the left shoulder so that Frank could take that lovely ruby head in his mouth, whilst his hands drew back the foreskin and tickled and played with its appendages, the mere touch of which filled Frank with maddening lust.
Never had he experienced such ecstasy and erotic fury as this conjunction with his groom and friend now caused him to feel, he thrilled from head to toe with voluptuous excitement as his spendings seemed to shoot from him again and again, with a very few seconds between each emission, whilst Harry on his part deluged his mouth and lips with the balmy juice of his virginity and Thomas also flooded his belly with convulsive jets of spunk, all of them being so young and vigorous they seemed almost inexhaustible.
At last Frank began to feel it was too much and sank back, overcome by such an acme of enjoyment, as his prick dropped gradually out of the groom's fundus.
Presently recovering himself a little, he took a sip of neat brandy, hastily dressed himself, and willing his subjects to lie quietly on the bed till he came back, he ran with bated breath, and flushed as he was with delight, to call his father and mother to the scene.
They all came back together after the lapse of a few minutes. Papa and Mamma, on entering the little bedroom over the stable, were struck at once by the entrancing sight which met their eyes, of these two beautiful young fellows lying naked on the bed; but in a minute or two both of them threw off all their clothing, in order to thoroughly avail themselves of the treat provided by their dutiful son.
Frank, by his influence, now willed Harry to kneel up on the bed on his hands and knees, whilst Thomas was to lie flat on his back.
Mr. Etheridge, who had brought a fine dildo with him, now put cold cream on it and also on Harry's bum-hole, then inserting the instrument slowly it gradually won its way in, and he watched its effects with delight as young Mortimer's cock began to stand again in all its previous glory. He mounted on the couch behind him, and withdrawing the dildo, put his own rampant prick in its place, having first lubricated it with cold cream, then clasping his arms around the dear youth, he frigged that fine prick, exactly as Frank had seen the professor do with the boy at college.
Mrs. Etheridge waited a few moments watching her spouse's operation till her blood was so fired with amorous excitement that she at once seized upon Thomas' cock, which was lying rather limp between his fine thighs, then forcing his legs a little further apart, she gamahuched him and licked his splendid balls till he was as stiff as ever; then mounting upon her man she slowly impaled herself upon his luscious battering ram as she lowered her body till her lips met his in a fiery voluptuousness, to which, under Frank's mysterious influence, the groom responded with all the ardour of his nature.
For a few moments Mrs. Etheridge continued to kiss and thrust her tongue into Thomas' mouth, whilst she kept her buttocks steady and revelled in the sense of possession which that fine prick afforded her, as her cunt felt thoroughly gorged by the delicious morsel.