The son of a gentleman of moderate fortune, whom I lost when quite a child, I was designed from the first for the army. Having, at the age of sixteen, been presented with a cadetship, so soon as my outfit was completed, I started by the mail for Portsmouth, on a cold night in February 1834.
Arrived at Portsmouth, I put up at the Fountain Inn, the George being full, and the next day called at the latter hotel to pay my respects and present a letter of introduction to Major S-, who, with his three nieces and daughter, was there staying.
I found the old major discussing a bottle of port, in spite of his gout, and he gave me hearty reception. He was a specimen of the old school of company's officers, of which few now remain. Bluff, hearty and hospitable, he was a man of some sixty years of age, who had seen some hard service in his youth. But poverty, that bane of human life, forbade his enjoying his otium cum dignitate. In fact, he was again returning to India in search of his colonelcy, which promotion yet tarried.
'Well, youngster,' said he, 'so you're going to try your fortune in India, eh? you won't find the Pagodas grow on the trees now, my lad, the golden fruit has been plucked long ago; but you seem a likely young chap, so I drink to your success, here's to you, my boy,' and he swallowed a bumper, pushing the bottle at the same time to me. I tippled and talked, for I was not troubled with mauvaise honte even at sixteen, and at eight o'clock I rose to take leave. 'Well, my lad, good-night,' said the old major, 'and harkee, the skipper tells me that we are likely to be detained here for a week or two by this cursed south-west gale, so you had better come and take up your quarters with me at Southsea, where I have taken lodgings — 22 Portsea Terrace — come tomorrow and I'll introduce you to my nieces!' At the words nieces I pricked up my ears, and promising to come, I took leave and returned to the Fountain. I went into the coffee-room and, in the grand way known only to griffins, called loudly for a pint of wine and some filberts. The boxes were all occupied, and as I sought for a table, a fine, handsome fellow who was languidly drinking a bottle of claret, accosted me. 'Here's room, take a seat here, glad of your company.' I bowed carelessly, for I had been so used to meet good society at my uncle's, that I had none of the schoolboy shyness which is usual with beardless boys of sixteen. I did not notice it then, but I have since thought my quondam acquaintance must have been immensely amused with me.
When the waiter brought my 'stingy port', he passed his claret to me, saying, 'Don't drink that stuff, try this, 'tis real Chateau Margaux, by God, try it.'
I sipped a glass and made a wry face, 'Thank you,' said I, 'I'd rather stick to my stingo.' He shrugged his shoulders, but said nothing, so I went on with my port. My new friend then informed me that he belonged to the British Legion, under Sir De Lacy Evans, and was pledged to the cause of Don Pedro, and was, like me, waiting for a fair wind to sail to Portugal. Of course, I reciprocated his confidence by telling him that I was going to India as a cadet.
As soon as we had both finished our wine, he pulled out a cigar-case and lit a real Havannah, a rarity in those non-smoking days, then he offered me his case. I was wonderfully fascinated with this man — his handsome person, black moustache turned up a la Carolus 1st, and dashing air quite captivated me.
'What are you going to do tonight?' said he.
'Damme!' said I, hazarding my first oath, 'I'm game for anything.'
'Suppose we go to the theatre?' said he.
'With all my heart,' said I.
So to the theatre we went. On the way he told me his various adventures with the girls at Portsmouth and cautioned me against them. But on coming out of the theatre we were surrounded by a bevy of blooming loves (at least if their cheeks were not blooming, the paint was), and my guardian friend was quickly carried off. As for me, I remained like a lamb doomed to the slaughter; a bold devil about five-and-twenty had seized me and was about to make me her prey, when she was swooped down upon by a pretty little creature of fifteen, who in peremptory language desired her to loose her hold. What influence the young girl had upon the older one I don't know, but she obeyed without a word, and the other taking my arm led me away.
'You are a little cadet,' she said, 'I know, and a very pretty boy you are, and shall come and sleep with me!' I turned my eyes on my captor, she was very pretty and I yielded at discretion.
She led me through a number of horrid dark streets and at length stopped before a grim-looking door. Three peculiar raps procured instant admission. Following my conductor, I stumbled up the worm-eaten stairs; she drew a key from her pocket and opened a door. I was almost blinded by the blaze of light that met my eyes. A sumptuous room containing every elegancy of life was before me; upon a console table was set out a cold collation. Champagne stood in ice. Two little girls, naked as the day they were born, came forward to do the honours. The room was as hot as July, owing to the two tremendous fires that blazed in the apartments.
'You haven't a five-pound note about you, my dear boy?' said the siren.
'I have two,' said I, innocently enough.
'Oh! you little darling!' said the pretty creature and my purse was emptied in an instant.
'Come along, darling!' said the girl, 'have some supper.'
In those halcyon days my appetite was good, my stomach was iron, my head was brass, I ate, I drank, God! how I quaffed the champagne.
'Well, I'm damned!' said Polly (for that was her name), 'by God, you're a little trump,' and she flung herself on a sofa and tossed up her clothes. I sprang towards her. 'Oh, you dear little boy,' said she, 'let me look at the pretty little cock; is it a virgin?' and she took it in her mouth. I was in raptures and seized on her beauteous cunt. I kissed her breasts, I mounted her and crack went my frenum in an instant. Oh, ye who have not wasted your early vigour in riotous frigging, tell me, was ever in your after days any joy like that first delicious fuck? Talk of heaven! talk of the bliss 'which it hath not entered the heart of man to conceive'!
Oh, the world are all thinking about it,
And as for myself I can swear,
If I fancied that heaven were without it,
I'd scarce feel a wish to go there!
Heaven can't be finer, and so I found it. I fucked Polly four times, the little girls twice a-piece, I drank two bottles of champagne and returned to my hotel at five in the morning, with my prick as raw as a carrot 'tis true, but sober as a parson. At ten o'clock I had breakfasted and was on my way to Portsea Terrace, fresh and lively as a lark. Oh, those youthful days! those dear, darling, youthful days!
had I three hundred thousand a year, I would gladly give a moiety of my income for their return.
Ave! Polly! dear destroyer of my virginity! where art thou now? Alas, alas! poxed! used up!
dead, perhaps; or, sad alternative! perhaps, grown old, stale and shrivelled, you sell oranges at the corners of streets, or sweep a dirty crossing. Telle est la vie! — such is life!
I never saw her again, for at Portsea Terrace I found I had 'other fish to fry' — now isn't that vulgar? What an expression amidst such Aphrodisiac rhapsodies. All right, old fellow, but you know
'there is but one step from the sublime to the ridiculous'.
Arrived at Portsea Terrace, I was at once introduced to the nieces of Major — They were three in number: Henrietta, a fine girl of two-and-twenty, with dark brown eyes and skin of pure white and red; Lucy, aged eighteen, a sparkling brunette with a lovely figure and almond-shaped eyes; and Fanny, also a dark beauty of fourteen, but so developed, she looked five-and-twenty at least. As for the good major's wife, she was old and fat and his daughter plain and scraggy. But there were two other young ladies going out to Madras under his care, who I suppose would have been considered fine women, the Misses N-l, but they did not particularly take my fancy.
A pretty, rosy, laughing little chambermaid showed me my room when it was time to go to bed and, simpering as she set down the candle, said, 'Do not be alarmed if you hear a noise in the night, sir. Captain Fraser, of the Azincour, occupies the next room with his wife and he comes in late sometimes and a little the worse for liquor.'
I glanced at the folding-doors against which the head of my bed stood and naively remarked,
'Well, if I hear them quarrel, I shall also hear them make love!'
'Oh, fie!' said the girl, with an arch look.
'Heigh, ho!' said I, 'I wish I had a bedfellow too, it is so cold!'
'Do you really though, dear?' said the pretty creature, looking, as I thought, rather lovingly at me.
'Indeed, I do and I could not wish for a prettier one than you!'
'Oh you saucy little man!' cried the girl, giving me a playful slap on the face which did not hurt the least. 'Why you are a mere boy.'
'Come and sleep with me,' said I, 'and I will show you I can act like a man.'
I slipped five shillings into her hand and gave her a kiss.
'But,' said she, hesitatingly, 'if my missus should find it out — if you were to get me with child?'
'Oh! no fear of that, my pet, I'm too young for that, but I think you could please me and I'm sure I could please you.'
'Well, look here, dear,' said the girl, 'my missus will go to bed in about an hour and then I will come.'
I hugged her in my arms and, as an earnest of what I was to have, she let me feel her little cunny, on which a few hairs were beginning to sprout.
What a long hour of expectation it was and how I tossed and tumbled in the bed, but at length the happy moment arrived. I heard the door open softly and Mary appeared in her shift, shading the light with her hand. She was going to put it out, but I stopped her, bade her lock the door and come at once to bed. She obeyed with the greatest docility. Then I had her shift up in an instant and covered every part of her white body with kisses. The next moment I was between her thighs and slipped into her spending cunny without any difficulty. How I buried my face between those breasts of snow! how I slapped those thighs! What a frantic fuck it was. When it was over I whispered, 'Ah, then, this is not your first time?'
'Nor your's, dear boy!' she replied, hugging me.
'Nor mine,' I ejaculated, returning the embrace.
'Why, how old are you?' said Mary.
'Sixteen last month,' I replied. And you?'
'Well, I'm not sixteen yet, but shall be in March.'
'The devil!' I exclaimed, 'and how many men have you had?'
'Let me see,' said Mary, thinking, 'well, about fifteen, I fancy.'
'Oh, then, you know all about it?'
'Pretty well,' said she.
By this I was ready again and was going to work en regle, but she stopped me. 'I'll show you another way for a change, which a ship's captain, who was lodging here, taught me, and I think you will like it,' and kneeling upon all fours, she told me to kneel behind her. Now it had never before occurred to me that there could be anything attractive in the hinder beauties of a woman; I had been accustomed to look in front.
But, oh ye gods and little fishes! what a new and enchanting delight thrilled through all my veins as those bulging hips, those dimpled white hemispheres arose on my view. I stooped down and imprinted a loving kiss on each lovely globe, and then grasping her ivory thighs, I drove into her mossy grotto, wondering in my mind why nature had placed it so near another and not so savoury aperture! I moved with frenzy, she toyed with the balls of love! Was ever young mortal so blessed?
Happy, thrice happy, golden days of fiery youth. Our climax came! I took no heed of it. Without a descent, I commenced again and at length fell fainting on her alabaster back. Then rolling over on the bed with Mary clasped to my breast, my lips glued to hers, her tongue in my mouth, I fell into a delicious slumber. How long we lay sleeping I know not, but I was awakened by a gruff voice in the next room, which seemed to be craving some favour which his female companion appeared not inclined to grant.
'What does the fellow want to do, Mary?' I whispered.
'Hush!' said she, stopping my mouth with a kiss. 'Listen and you will hear. He's a damned old beast and behaves shamefully to his poor little wife.'
'Mrs Fraser?' said I, interrogatively.
'Yes,' she whispered, 'she is only eighteen, beautiful as an angel and so sweet tempered, yet I believe he has not yet taken her virginity, and they have been married a month, and he is forty at least.'
'You surprise me,' said I, 'for what did he marry her then?'
'Oh! you will hear presently if you'll only listen instead of talking so, naughty boy!'
I was silent.
Captain Fraser: 'Come, my darling, do kneel up, there's a dear, I want to see your peach-like bottom.'
Mrs Fraser: 'Oh, pray don't, Harry, it is so big! and you do hurt that poor little place so! do put it in the other, that is meant for it, I'm sure! pray do!'
Captain Fraser: 'Nonsense, my dear, I prefer the smaller hole, now don't be foolish; kneel up!'
Mrs Fraser: 'Oh, Harry, pray don't. I'm quite sore with what you did last night; pray do go to sleep if you can't do it in the right place!'
Captain Fraser: 'God damn your eyes! if you don't kneel up at once, I'll pinch you black and blue, and I'll beat you.'
Mrs Fraser, crying: 'Ah! Harry, you are a cruel man; it was not for this that I married you.'
Captain Fraser: 'Will you kneel up?'
A rustling of bedclothes and a shaking of the bedstead proclaimed that the poor little wife had complied.
'Let us look at them,' whispered Mary, drawing me out of bed; she pulled a knot out of the folding-doors, and we had a full view of the next apartment. Kneeling up on her hands and knees was one of the most beautiful young women I had ever beheld. She was entirely naked; behind her knelt a great, ugly brute of a man, whose bleared eyes showed him half drunk, and whose thick grizzled black whiskers and scowling brows formed a strange contrast to the angelic creature prostrate before him. 'Beauty and the beast!' I whispered to Mary, but she put her hand before my mouth.
Mrs Fraser: 'Oh, God! oh! oh! Harry, you hurt me cruel!'
Captain Fraser: 'Therein lies my pleasure, my pretty boy! oh! your bottom is just like the lovely boy's. Ah! now I see my cock entering your anus! It is distended to the utmost; now I am in! further! oh, bliss!'
Mrs Fraser: 'Oh! my God, what torment. Oh! cru-el ma-n, stop, ah! oh! you will destroy me; oh!' and she sank on the bed and sobbed as if her heart would break.
'Damn it,' I cried, 'I can't stand this, that old scoundrel ought to be taken out and shot!'
Mary stood looking at me petrified with terror, for I had uttered this aloud, then flying to the door she made her escape.
The captain drew out in an instant and looked towards the folding doors like a man bereft of his senses, his face pale as death, his lips twitching with nervous anxiety. He had heard my exclamation. I watched him as he dressed himself quickly and taking no notice of his young wife, who lay moaning on the bed, put on his hat and fled.
I heard him go down the stairs, I heard him unbar the front door, I heard him bang it after him and I had no more doubt in my mind that he had gone at once on board his ship, and that before day dawned he would be beating down channel in the Azincour, spite of the sou'wester in his teeth, than if I had followed in his wake and seen him. But convinced though I was that such would be the case, I was sufficiently prudent to go downstairs and bar and bolt the front door in case my gentleman should have a latchkey and return. This done, I went upstairs, but instead of returning to my own room, went boldly into his.
Mrs Fraser started up at my entrance, supposing it had been her lord — but seeing nothing but a rosy little boy she said, gently enough — 'My dear, you have mistaken your room, Captain Fraser, my husband, and I sleep here.'
I advanced, and sitting down on her bed, thus addressed her: 'My dear, Mrs Fraser, I am quite aware that this is not my room. I occupy the next apartment, and in occupying it both heard and saw all that passed between you and that miscreant your husband. 'Twas I who made the exclamation which caused him to flee this house, and he is now, I have no doubt, making the best of his way on board his ship, and will be beating down channel in a few hours, spite of the gale. But suppose he should not sail, should return, he cannot get in here tonight; the people of the house are gone to bed, and I have bolted and barred the front door.'
Poor Mrs Fraser sat up in the bed and regarded me attentively, 'To look at you, one would think you a child,' she said, 'but you talk like a man!'
'I am so much a man, my dear Mrs Fraser, that I would have poignarded that scoundrel just now, had I been near him; but as I cannot wound his body, I am here to wound his honour, if indeed he has any to lose. Take me in your arms, dearest girl, and I will soon show you what he ought to have done, and what blisses you have lost by marrying such as him.'
I sprang into the bed and clasped her in my arms; she leant her head on my shoulder and sobbed. At that moment, if the redoubtable Captain Fraser had appeared armed to the teeth, I believe I could have given him battle and conquered. God! how I loved, how I pitied that woman — 'I hope,' I said, 'he has not done you any "irretrievable injury".'
'He ruptured me the first night,' she sobbed out, 'and since then I have endured nothing but torment. Ah! how I loved him, and what a fond wife I could have been!'
'You break my heart,' said I. 'I was going to make the offer of my person to you, but by God, you disarm me, I am wretched.'
'Sweetest, sweetest boy,' she said, 'I love him no longer, come to my arms and teach me, though you be so young, what a wife ought to know. I abandon myself to your dear embrace, and God forgive me if I am wrong, but I have been cruelly victimised by him who ought to have been my protector.'
I embraced my fair creature with rapture, and was soon in possession of her hitherto despised maidenhead.
'I care not for this pain, darling boy,' she said, 'it is a natural legitimate pain, and I only love you for inflicting it, but before you begin again do look and see how that brute has injured me!' and she knelt up, jutting out her heavenly bottom, showed me her poor little anus all inflamed, distended and torn, bleeding, absolutely bleeding. 'It was cruel of him, was it not?' she said, 'to treat me so barbarously?'
'Poor darling!' I exclaimed. 'It is most shameful indeed, poor dear love!'
Then suffering her to guide my stiffened prick to the right entrance, I and she were soon again lost in bliss. Morning and Mary found us locked in each other's arms.
Dear little Mary, what a reproachful glance she cast upon me. But I quieted her with a gesture, and drawing her towards me, whispered, 'I could do no less, my angel; go, take a sovereign out of my purse, you will find it on the dressing-table, and say nothing of what you have seen.' She kissed me passionately and withdrew.
Then I turned to the pretty creature by my side, and casting my arms around her neck, wooed her to a matutinal embrace. She responded instantly, and mounting over me, took the active part, while I toyed with her full and enchanting breasts. When this was over, we mutually compared notes as to our future proceedings. She told me that she could not endure that we should part when the ship sailed, in which my passage was taken, and that she had thought of a plan by which we should still be together. Captain Fraser had kept her very short of money, and as he was bound to Madras, Singapore and China, he might not be back for years. She did not care about returning to her home, as her family had always treated her harshly. She, therefore, intended to ask Captain A-l, of the Reliance, to take her as stewardess, 'and then you know, dearest boy, you can slip into my cabin sometimes'. I thanked her with a kiss, and approved of her plan. I offered her ten pounds in case she should not have enough money to pay her lodging bill, but she declined it, saying she had enough by her to meet that charge, and had also a pretty good outfit.
So that matter settled, I bid her goodbye for the present, and went to my own room to dress.
At breakfast I was abstracted and taciturn, spite of the blandishments of the young ladies, for I was anxious to go down to the Sallyport, and find out if Captain Fraser had sailed. So making some excuse about seeing if Messrs Grindley amp; Co. had sent my luggage from London, I put on my hat and made the best of my way to the Hard. Here I soon learnt that Captain Fraser had come down there at midnight, and to the great astonishment of the few watermen that yet lingered in hope of a fare, had gone on board; that the Azincour had immediately weighed anchor, and stood out to sea in the teeth of the remonstrances of the pilot and the manifest discontent of the crew.
I returned quite elated with the news, and sent a little pencil note up to Mrs Fraser. I now proposed a walk to the young ladies. Lucy and Miss N-l accepted my escort, but the others, having some letters to write, stayed at home.
I made myself as agreeable as I could, and proposed that we should go over to Ryde in the steamer, see what we could of the Isle of Wight, lunch there, and get back to Southsea in time to dress for our six o'clock dinner. The girls clapped their hands and declared that would be capital fun, and away we went. It was a fine day, though the wind blew a hard gale from the sou'-sou'-west, which did not incommode me in the least, and only showed off to advantage the fine shape of my companions, for there were no odious crinolines in those days.
As soon as we landed at Ryde we made the best of our way out of that ugly town, with its prim red-brick houses, and soon found ourselves scrambling amidst the woods in the neighbourhood.
The girls got very skittish, climbing trees, and playing all sorts of pranks, giving me abundance of opportunities of seeing all their beauties, which were of the most recherche description.
Lucy, catching me peeping, made great pretence of concealing what it was evident she meant to show, exclaiming, 'Now! what are you looking at, naughty boy! for shame! Louisa, take care! you are showing your legs tremendously; the young rogue will see you, too, I declare,' etc.
All this seemed to me very funny, so I thought I would play them a trick. I proposed that we should have a game of hide and seek, and I offered to go and hide; this was agreed to, and they came scrambling out of the trees.
'Now,' I said, 'hide your eyes and don't stir till I cry whoop!' I dashed off as if intending to go some distance, but presently doubled and returned to within a yard of them, concealing myself in a hollow oak. Just as I turned to double, I cried, 'whoop!' so hearing my voice at some distance, they had no idea that I was so near. They were engaged in an animated conversation, the end of which reached my ears as they darted off.
Lucy was saying, 'Yes, he is a mere boy to look at, but I'm very much mistaken if those dark eyes don't mean mischief — did you see how they sparkled when we showed our thighs? Oh, he'll do, Louisa, he'll do!' and off they ran.
I very readily understood the meaning of the amorous Lucy, so drawing out my ivory truncheon, I removed behind the tree, placing myself in an attitude which seemed to imply that I was performing a lustration of its roots. Then I shouted out twice in succession, 'whoop, whoop!' They soon appeared, running full tilt at the tree.
'Stop, stop a moment!' I shouted, with an affectation of modesty I was far from feeling. But they only came on the faster, one ran one side of the oak, the other the other side, so that simultaneously they had a clear full view of that manly attribute which set at rest for ever all doubts of my powers. The girls blushed up to the ears and turned away their heads, then looked again, and at length exclaimed, 'Oh, for shame!' and seeing me shaking it at them, Lucy gave me a box on the ear, saying, 'Put it away, put it away, naughty boy!'
Now a box on the ear from a young lady is, as everybody knows, a challenge, so I flung my arms round her neck and covered her with kisses.
Louisa laughed, Lucy struggled, but at length kissed me in return, and her friend came in for her share. We sat down on a bank and then commenced a good deal of badinage, fun and frigging, but as to the 'great go', I found that was 'no go', at all events, for the present. So after finishing our walk we retraced our steps to the pier, and so returned to Portsea Terrace.
On the way Lucy told me how it was she and her sisters were going out to India, for I had expressed some surprise that young ladies who possessed in so eminent a degree the bel air which the best London society can alone give to an English girl, should have been induced to expose themselves to all the vicissitudes of a tropical climate, when their charms would unquestionably be fully appreciated at home.
'I must tell you, my little friend,' said Lucy with an engaging smile, 'that our father, General W-r, was a man who cared for no creature but himself; returning to England after thirty years service in India, he married our dear mother for her beauty alone, she not having one shilling. He had amassed a fine fortune, and what do you think he did with it. He invested every rupee in the purchase of a government annuity for his life, taking no thought of what would become of us when he died. By this selfish act he secured to himself, with his general's pay, about seven thousand a year, and lived in great style in his house in Clarges Street. He gave us all expensive educations, and had us introduced into the best society, where we acquired the most expensive habits, and as great a taste for luxury as if we were each to wed a peer or a millionaire.
'The crash came at last, our father died — and what is worse, died in debt. Then it was that our dear uncle, the major, our mother's brother, came to our aid. The general had always treated him with great disdain, as indeed he did all our mother's relatives; but the good major was not deterred by that from offering us a helping hand.
'"My dear nieces," said he, "you will get from Lord Clive's fund just?50 a year a-piece, and that constitutes your entire fortune. Brought up as you have been it will not find you in gloves and shoes.
So now, if you like to go out as governesses, I'll find you situations. If you prefer matrimony (excuse my bluntness), I'll take you back to India with me, pay your passage and outfits, and procure suitable husbands for you."
'There might be some brusqueness in the manner of making the offer, but we all three felt that it was kindly meant, so we accepted the "husbands" in prospect, and here we are,' and she rapped at the door of our lodgings.
While I was dressing for dinner, I could not but reflect upon the selfishness of old men in general, and the general in particular. Without the aid of the hearty old major, what a tissue of humiliations and distresses would have been in store for these three charming girls, nurtured in all the refinements and elegancies of life!
Now it happened that Mrs S-, the major's wife, had discreetly hinted to me that after dinner her lord was wont to take a nap, or sit and chat with her and his daughter, and that the young ladies would be very grateful to me if I would rise when they did from table and join them in the drawing-room. I bowed my acknowledgement and promised to take the hint, so after partaking but moderately of the dessert and contenting myself with two glasses of port, I rose up at the signal from our hostess, and accompanied the girls out of the dining-room.
There was always a lamp in the front passage, but the back one was rather dark, I therefore could not resist the opportunity of thrusting my hand down the bubbies of the delicious Lucy, who not seeing what I was going to do, screamed out.
'Hullo!' shouted the old major, 'what are you up to there? what's the matter?'
'Oh, uncle, how frightened I was! just as I stepped into the passage a horrid little mouse ran up my leg.'
'Ho! Ho! Ho!' roared the old boy. 'Hah! ha! ha!' then followed a tremendous fit of coughing during which explosion we all hurried pell-mell up the stairs to the drawing-room, Lucy paying me off with a terrible pinch on a part that shall be nameless, but I felt the nip all the evening.
What suppressed romping, what tickling, what fun we used to have in that queer, shabby, genteel lodging-house drawing-room every evening, while the jolly old major got bossey on brandy pawnee, or snored in his armchair till tea-time, and good Mrs S- and her plain daughter sat by darning stockings. Happy days, would I could live them over again!
Punctually at ten up came brisk little Mary with the tea kettle, and then brought in the formidable tea equipage. Then followed a rubber or a game at loo, and then to bed.
Now I felt in a little dilemma. I had two charmers to please, and both would be expecting me at the same time. Nothing offends a pretty woman so much as to find herself slighted for a rival.
Besides, Mrs Fraser might be jealous, and as for Mary, she was so already.
While I was thinking about it, as I undressed for the night, who should pop in but Mary herself. I caught her in my arms; but the indignant little Venus gave me a great thump on the chest.
'Get out, you little brute,' she exclaimed in a rage, 'I've heard of your doings, I have. Yes, I heard Miss Lucy and Miss N-l talking about it all. As to your comforting that poor dear gentle Mrs Fraser, I didn't mind it; that is, not so much; but to take up with them bold young ladies who knows everything, it's too bad, it really is,' and little Mary began to cry as if her heart would break.
'For God's sake, my dear angel, don't talk so loud, Mrs Fraser will hear you; pray be quiet,' and I kissed her tear-bedewed cheek.
'Yes, it's all very well,' said the girl, 'you think I've no feelin', I suppose.'
'But, my pretty little cove, think of those fifteen or sixteen men you have had; consider, and be reasonable, I am only the seventeenth!'
'Ah!' cried Mary, 'you are only a baby that's clear, and know nothing of women; those fellows were all great hairy beasts of men, much older than me, and only had me because they paid in hard gold for my favours, but with you it is quite different — you are nearly my own age, you are young and pretty, and I love you — look in your purse and see what you have paid me, you'll find I never took the sovereign you told me to take, and more, I put back the five shillings you gave me.'
'Foolish girl,' said I, 'what's the use of getting spooney on a fellow who, you know, will sail when the wind changes, who could never marry you, and who in all moral probability you will never see again?'
'I know, I know,' sobbed poor Mary, 'but I can't help loving you, I suppose, you have a way with you that would captivate any girl, and if you are like this now, what won't you be when you are a man? But I'll forgive you this once if you'll only promise me one thing.'
'I'll promise you anything you please, my darling.'
'Well, then, swear to me you will never marry Lucy W-r.'
'I marry Lucy!' said I, laughing, 'why my dear little girl you must be dreaming. She is going out to India expressly to get a husband who has money, while I, I'm only a poor little cadet, with his pay and perhaps a hundred a year private fortune. What use should I be to her? No man with less than three thousand a year will suit her book; be quite easy, she will never marry me.'
'You swear it?'
'Yes, by Jove!'
'Then I will tell you something: she sleeps with Miss N-l every night, and they frig each other!'
'No!'
'It is a fact, I've seen them, and what's more they lick each other too.'
Now 'licking' in schoolboy phraseology, meant thrashing, so I stared in amazement at Mary, and said, 'Nay, if they thrash each other 'tis plain they are not good friends.'
Then Mary whispered in my ear, and opened a vein of knowledge of which I was before ignorant. The dear creatures were 'tribades'!
'The devil, and the devil!' said I, 'the nasty beasts.' Such was then my view of that most voluptuous Sapphic love, which now I fully understand and appreciate. 'Be easy, little Mary, I'll have nothing more to do with them, now give me a kiss.' She clung to me, I lifted her on to the bed and a rapturous embrace ensued.
When it was over, 'Now you are going to sleep with Mrs Fraser, are you not?' said she.
'That is so,' I said.
'Darling, I give you joy and I pardon you,' said little Mary.
'You're a jolly girl,' said I, 'let me give you a five-pound note.'
'Not for all the world!' said poor Mary, 'it would spoil all.'
'Why?'
Oh, I don't know, but I don't feel for you the same as with other men; and, besides, I have eighty pounds in the savings bank.'
'You have!'
'Yes I have been well paid by the men I have had.'
'Vous avez raison, ma chere.'
'Oh, don't talk to me in that gibberish.'
'Well, I was only saying that you had reason to be well paid for you run great risks with those ship captains, who as a class are low brutes, and often diseased.'
'My God!' said Mary.
'Yes and some of these days you will be let in for a roarer.'
'A what?'
'A pox, my angel.'
'What's that?'
'A direful disease, which will destroy all your charms.'
'My God!'
'Truth.'
'Then you advise — '
'You to live a quiet life and marry some respectable young tradesman who can keep you in comfort before it is too late.'
'I walk out with such a one every Sunday now.'
'Then marry him, Mary, and believe me you will bless me every day you live for this advice — if you take it.'
'I Will.'
'Really?'
'Really, I will, and I will write out to India to you, and tell you when I am married, and you shall be godfather to my first child. Now tell me how I am to address you?'
'You know my name well, "Cornet S-, Madras Cavalry, East Indies." I don't know what regiment till I arrive there.'
'One favour,' cried poor Mary, 'will you put on your uniform one night, and let me see you in it before you go, then I think I shall be happier, and whenever I let my husband have me, I will shut my eyes and think of you.'
'My darling Mary, I feel highly honoured, I'm sure.'b 'Oh, Edward,' cried the poor little girl, 'Don't talk to me that way, I'm not a fine lady like your Miss Lucy's and your Miss N-l's, but a poor simple girl of humble parentage. Would you had been humble too, and then — then — but no matter, you will let me see you in your uniform once; only once?'
'Dear girl,' said I, 'no time like the present time, the wind may change tomorrow, and I may have to bid you adieu,' and I took out my keys and opened a portmanteau. I drew forth a superb uniform: sky-blue jacket, the breast one blaze of silver embroidery, with the same costly embroidery up each sleeve to the bend of the arm; cartouche belt and sword belt, all of silver lace striped with crimson silk; a pair of sky-blue trousers with a broad lace of silver down the sides; a pair of boots, with silver box spurs — Hoby's masterpiece (price three guineas); a steel scabbarded sword, straight and pointed; and the glorious shakoe or dress hat, with its plume of feathers — all of which I proceeded to don.
Poor little Mary was in raptures as she helped me to dress. 'Mars arrayed by Venus,' said I, conceitedly, but Mary had never heard of either Mars or Venus before, so the conceit and the flattery were lost upon her. The costume completed, I pulled on a pair of white kid gloves, then drawing my sword, I performed the salute as I would to my general, and dropping the point to the ground raised my left hand flatwise to my forehead.
'Oh how beautiful you are now!' cried little Mary, throwing herself upon my embroidered breast.
'Fine feathers make fine birds, Mary,' said I, 'but I would rather you'd admire me naked.'
'Then be naked, my own love,' cried the charmer.
By Jove, I pulled off that toggery a precious deal quicker than I had put it on, and stood stark naked before her. She caught me up in her arms with the strength of a lioness, and carried me like a baby to the bed; her tongue roved over my entire body like a lambent fire; she licked, she kissed every part of me, then tearing off her clothes with a frenzy almost allied to madness, she flung her lovely body upon me, joined herself to me, and gave me no rest for two mortal hours. At length she ceased, and rising up put on her clothes again; it was twelve o'clock.
'Mary,' said I. 'I have other work to do, you know it. I must have some refreshment; go, my dear love, and get me the wing of a chicken, a slice or two of tongue and a bottle of wine. I am quite famished.'
She hastened away and soon returned with what I required; I made a hasty supper and bade her good-night. She kissed me and wished me joy of Mrs Fraser. In point of fact, I lost no time in finding my way to the arms of that dear woman.
'Truant!' she said, 'you are come at last then, I had almost given you up. I have been asleep, I think, dear me, what time is it?'
'Oh, about twelve, I believe, my dear, but never mind the hour.'
I passed a delightful night.
In a few days the wind changed, we all went on board, and the Reliance commenced her voyage down channel — but I am not going to inflict upon the reader the tedious narrative of a tedious voyage; I will content myself with relating a few curious anecdotes of some amorous adventures that occurred on the passage.
Lucy, her sister Fanny and the younger Miss N-l had often expressed their regret to me that we could never meet, except in the cuddy or on deck, where a hundred eyes observed our every gesture. I took the hint, and used to lower myself down by a rope into the quarter-gallery, and so got through the WC into their cabin, where we used to amuse ourselves by eating oranges, reading novels out loud, and by an occasional frigging (when Henrietta and the elder Miss N-l, who were the pink of propriety, were out of the way).
One day we three were diverting ourselves in this way, the weather being very sultry and the ship becalmed, when Lucy, who wore nothing but her chemise and a most fascinating robe de chambre of white linen, after letting me toy with and view her beauties for some time, casting upon me an amorous look, murmured half inaudibly, 'And is marriage so very terrible that girls always so much fear the first night?'
'My dearest girl,' said I, enchanted, 'there is nothing terrible in marriage, though it is true the maiden feels some pain at first. Will you let me show you what it is like? Do! do! I will be very gentle and stop the moment you tell me!'
She made some resistance at first, but as I was seconded by her friend, who represented to her that no ill could come of it as I was too young to do much mischief, she at length, Murmuring I will ne'er consent,
Consented …
She had long been spending and I slipped into her in a moment. She gave one little suppressed cry as her hymen snapped, and then hugging me in her arms, threw her legs over my back, and abandoned herself to the joys of the hour. As for Louise, she could not restrain herself, so seizing me from behind, she began to rub herself against me with fury. When Lucy was satisfied, and I had a little recovered, her friend caught me in her arms, and worked me with such ardour, that ten minutes finished the second maidenhead. We were all in a bath of perspiration and quite exhausted. So I was glad to recline on Lucy's bed, while the fair creatures petted and fed me with oranges. What more we should have done I know not, but just as I was again getting ready for action, Henrietta came in. I seized on The Fortunes of Nigel, and commenced reading.
'Oh, here you are again, you young scapegrace,' said she, 'I wonder what Aunt S- would say if she knew that you came into our cabin every day to eat oranges and read Sir Walter Scott.'
'What, indeed!' thought I, but I did not say so. 'This is such an interesting tale,' I said, 'we had just got to the scene in Whitefriars where Nigel kills Captain Culpepper.'
'Really!' exclaimed Henrietta, maliciously, 'I thought it must be very exciting, for you all look quite flushed with the recital.'
This was so palpable a hint that I took an early opportunity to beat a retreat.
A few days afterwards I was proceeding to enter the quartergallery as usual, and watched for the roll of the ship to swing myself into it, when lo! I found myself in the lap of the virtuous Henrietta, who was performing a very natural office of nature there, and did not the least expect an intruder from the seaboard. So imagining me to be some dreadful kind of merman, she began to sing out like a stuck pig.
In a moment, and before I could extricate myself from the extremely delicate position in which I found myself, appeared Mrs S-, her lean demure daughter, the Misses N-l, Lucy and Fanny, and, oh! confusion worse confounded, the charming stewardess, Mrs Fraser. I was so completely overwhelmed by such an array, that without thinking what I was doing, I sprang at once out of the quarter-gallery into the sea. Being a good swimmer, and the ship being becalmed at the time, the only injury I sustained was a good ducking and the chance of being devoured by a shark, who made for me with great rapidity, but I dived under the ship's bottom, and coming to the surface on the starboard side, seized a rope which the seamen threw to me upon the cry of 'Man overboard', and was hauled on deck before the monster of the deep could catch me.
As soon as I had changed my clothes, I received a polite message from the captain that he would like to say a few words to me in his cabin. So thither I went.
The captain (who after all was in the right), gave me a tremendous wigging, 'You must know, sir, that I consider all the young ladies on board this ship under my especial protection, and I cannot allow any gentleman, however young he may be, to enter their cabins, least of all in the clandestine manner you have attempted to do.'
''Pon my life, captain, I'm very sorry,' said I, 'if I have infringed any of your rules, I beg to offer my apologies, I'm sure.'
'All right, my boy,' cried old A-ll, softened at once, 'you are a nice little lad, but remember that if your peccadillo should be worked up into a scandalous story, it might seriously compromise those young ladies' reputations, and what is worse, spoil their market.'
'Quite so,' said I, 'I fully see the force of your reasoning. It shall not occur again.'
'That's a good boy,' said the hearty old skipper, shaking me by the hand with a vigour that numbed the digits for half an hour and brought the tears to my eyes with pain, 'you'll do; you're not a bad sort, I see; pity your friends didn't make a sailor, instead of a soldier, of you!'
And so the matter ended.
A few days afterwards, the calm still continuing, the captain ordered the planks to be slung over the ship's side, and half a dozen men were set to scrape the sides, remove the seaweed and brighten up the copper a bit. Now this is a job that Jack has a mortal aversion to, and with reason, for while his head is exposed to the vertical rays of a tropical sun, his feet are ever and anon immersed in the briny element at the risk of being snapped hold of by the sharks! So poor Jack was not in the best of humour. Now it happened that an old weatherbeaten tar, while scrubbing the ship's side immediately below the quartergallery that had been the scene of my escapade, was suddenly startled by a most unseemly explosion above him which sounded amazingly like a rousing fart. As a natural consequence Jack cast his eyes aloft, and beheld a pair of enchanting white buttocks and a hairy cunny, such as had not blessed his sight since
The last time he parted at Wapping Old Stairs
With Sally …
But just as he was admiring these symmetrical proportions, there came unfortunately another explosion, immediately followed by a round shot which hit poor Jack in the eye.
'Damn my bloody eyes!' cried the tar apostrophising, I presume, the offended organ of vision, and being armed with a boat-hook to steady himself withal, he inverted it, and gave a thrust with the butt end, with so sure an aim that he effectually stopped the vent of the gun that had shot him. There was a screech, of course, and the insulted fair was rescued from her perilous situation, Dr Porteus being called in to examine the wound.
A report having been made to the captain, the following amusing dialogue ensued.
Captain on the poop, leaning over the starboard side: 'Hullo, you fellow down there.'
'Aye-aye, sir.'
'What are you up to you rascal?'
Jack: 'Scrubbing the ship your honour.'
Captain: 'But what have you been up to with that boat-hook?'
Jack: 'Holding on, your honour.'
Captain: 'Holding on, you damned tailoring son of a b-h! What have you been doing to the girl?'
Jack: 'Blasted b-h sh-t in my eye, your honour.'
Captain: 'No reason, you son of a sea cook, that you should b-r her with the boat-hook.'
As this elegant conversation was carried on in a loud tone of voice, it was of course heard by everyone on board, and considered a capital joke by all but the sufferer, who I lament to say was poor Mrs Fraser, who, alas! had already had quite enough of the 'butt end of the boat hook' before she came aboard.
I must confess, however, that it so disgusted me that I could never poke her again. The idea of so sweet a creature etc., etc., quite cooled my amorous inclinations. I was voluptuous but not dirty, and that shot which hit poor Jack in the eye had quite denuded me of my ardent passion for Mrs Fraser's charms.
She, however, got plenty of poking from the mates of the ship, from the officers who were passengers on board and, I believe (but 'tell it not in Gath, repeat it not in the streets of Ascalon'), from the captain.
Three weeks after we arrived at Madras, all the Misses W-r were married; start not, courteous reader, and do not condemn such a statement as improbable; I assure you on the honour of a gentleman it is the truth. Henrietta married Captain F- of the — th Light Cavalry; Lucy espoused Captain O- of the same regiment, brother of the Earl of O-w, of Clan-n Park, in the county of G-, while Fanny the little filly of fourteen, was led to the hymeneal alter by the eccentric Lieutenant E-, whose greatest ambition was to 'fuck a lady'.
And so I lost sight of the darlings and proceeded to join my regiment.
'Oh, it's all damned fine,' I hear some fellow exclaim, 'but you don't expect us to believe all this,'
''Pon my soul,' says I in reply, ''tis true as the — ' 'Gospel', I was going to add, but feeling how very little guarantee of truth there is in the comparison, I will say, as true as women have cunts — a fact the most captious will not dispute.