As the gallant Captain Torrant alighted from his dashing equipage, he was met at the hall door by Miss Bonham's attendant, a pretty, impudent girl, always ready to be kissed or pulled about by any handsome young gentleman, though habitually reserved and discreet with young men of her own station in life. She received the commander smiling, as he, as a matter of course gave her a kiss and a squeeze, together with his 'Good morning Lucy, how blooming you look today!'
'You had better keep all that sort of nonsense for my young lady, Captain Torrant!' was the reply, 'for I know she is expecting you!'
'How do you know that, my dear?' enquired the dragoon.
'Easy enough,' replied the lady's maid, 'as I helped her to dress, she made me take out her prettiest morning frock, and moreover put on white stockings and her nice little bronze slippers. And I pretty well know what that means,' added the soubrette, archly nodding her head, as she tripped upstairs, leading the way to her young mistress's sitting room.
There the young captain was neither unexpected nor unwelcome. We need not retire, as did the discreet Lucy after ushering in the guest, but remain witnesses to the affection, not to say transport, with which he was received by Miss Eliza Bonham.
'My own darling Alfred,' she exclaimed as she flung herself into his arms, kissing him most rapturously, 'how good of you to answer my note so quickly!'
Nor was the young gentleman one whit behind hand in reciprocating her profession of love. He glued his mouth to hers, pressed her to his breast, and even began with his right hand, which he purposely disengaged, to make a demonstration towards the lower part of her person. But this performance Eliza eluded, not from any dislike to the proceeding-oh, no! but from prudential motives.
'Stop, stop sir!' she laughingly exclaimed, 'not so fast, if you please-I understood you came here to talk over a disagreeable business matter; and besides, Alfred dear, you really must cover your beautiful instrument with that sheath, or condom, or whatever you call it. I have no notion of having a pretty white belly bow-windowed before marriage! — indeed I shan't particularly care about it after marriage!'
But the gallant young officer had not driven over from the barracks for nothing, and begged to assure his beautiful cousin that in his present state of mind and body, it would be quite impossible for him to give proper attention to any serious business, until his burning love for her received some temporary gratification, (the plain English of this being that he had a tremendous cock-stand, and felt that if it was not allayed pretty quickly that he must burst), and that as for the sheath, she might set her mind quite at rest, for he had brought a dozen with him.
'A dozen!' exclaimed Eliza, lifting up her eyes and hands in pretended astonishment, 'what on earth does the man mean by bringing a dozen?
You are not going to fuck me a dozen times, I can tell you that, sir! And I don't want my waiting maid spoilt, mind that, and who else you intend to favour, of course I don't know-'
Here her speech was brought to an abrupt termination by her cousin covering her mouth with kisses and begging her to seat herself in a low easy chair, while he prepared himself for the promised treat. Fastening the door was a precaution taken as a matter of course, for Lucy knew that it was as much as her place was worth, to permit any intrusion in the neighbourhood, and Mr. Bonham was not to arrive until the following day.
Coat off and trousers down, Alfred produced a bundle of safeguards, and selecting one of the filmy looking coverings, besought his lovely cousin to put it on for him. Of course he could have put it on himself perfectly well, but he was too great an epicure to miss any piquant delicacy in the approaching banquet. Accordingly, Eliza's delicate fingers as she performed the required office, added new fire to his already terribly inflamed prick, so that the scarlet knob absolutely turned purple and the whole nine inches, from the hardened balls to the orifice at the end, throbbed with excited lust. This was heightened by Eliza's appearance for, (being almost as eager as her gallant cousin, and that's saying a great deal), as she seated herself she drew up her clothes, and put one of her splendid legs over the chair on which she sat. Consequently, her rump being advanced quite to the extreme edge of the cushions, she made a most admirable display; her excitement and her lover's embraces had produced the usual result, and the lips of her cunt were slightly opened, temptingly inviting an entrance; while her bushy black hair showed off to advantage the creamy whiteness of her belly and thighs.
No wonder that as soon as the condom was securely put on, Captain Torrant fell down on his knees, and expressed his adoration of the shrine he was going to enter by covering it with amorous kisses. Under this treatment, the pink-lined portals expanded more and more and as Eliza flung back her head with a smile and a sigh, the young officer saw that the auspicious moment had arrived-not that he was an unwelcome visitor at any time in the mossy retreat, so getting his charger well in hand, he put his head straight for the gap and rushed hi. It was indeed a short-lived pleasure as may be conceived: the fact being that the gentleman was in that state of lust that two or three judicious rubs from the hand of his fair cousin would have released his evacuation; and as for the lady, if her hot lover had continued on his knees before her, kissing her cunt one half minute longer, he would have had some warm cream over his moustache, of a kind not generally sold by Rose or Gillingwater. So three good shoves, actually only three, did the business most effectually, and, no doubt to their great mutual satisfaction. But there was no mistake as to Miss Bonham's prudent regard to the sheath, or the Captain's good sense in acceding to her wishes.
For his beautiful antagonist met his attack so grandly and discharged her battery so promptly in reply to his, that if the latter had not been retained by the discreet covering, very serious consequences to the lady would have almost inevitably made themselves apparent in nine months' time or thereabouts.
And in our humble opinion gratification is not increased by running any risk. On the present occasion both Miss Bonham and her lover congratulated themselves on having enjoyed each other thoroughly, and without any fear of the result.
Their extreme transports being over for the present, the young gentleman applied himself to putting his dress in order, while Eliza rang the bell and desired Lucy to send up the lunch.
While this acceptable refreshment was being done justice to, the loving pair proceeded to consider what was to be done in regard to Mr.
Bonham's infatuation. Captain Torrant's first step was prompt and business like. He told his man Robert, a smart soldier, to take a walk through the fields in the neighbourhood of the Fieldings' farm, and, by getting into conversation with some of the farm lasses, he would most likely find out something as to Miss Rosa, the great probability being that the old dame would not be able to keep her mouth shut, but would have been dropping boastful hints as to her daughter's great prospects, being made a grand lady of, and so on.
'Find out this for me if you can Bob,' said his generous master, 'and I will give you free liberty to do what you like by way of amusing yourself with any of the girls.'
'Cert'nly sir, thank you sir,' replied that valuable domestic, saluting as he marched away on his errand.
Leaving him for a while to enjoy his country walk, we will attend at the consultation between the lovers.
'You see, my darling Alfred,' began Eliza, 'I fear there is considerable truth in these reports that are going about. I don't believe all I hear about the girl's beauty.'
'Oh, of course not,' said the Captain, inwardly chuckling.
'I dare say she is a pretty, dowdy doll; but when a man of my father's age makes a fool of himself, he does it with a vengeance. And if you were to speak to him seriously on the subject, he would ask you what business it was of yours, quarrel with you, and perhaps cut you out of his will, or turn you out of the house and forbid our marriage.'
'That would never do,' interposed the young gentleman warmly.
'No indeed, dearest Alfred,' replied the lady looking at him warmly and lovingly.
'What plan would you propose then my pet?' asked he, 'supposing that your governor does contemplate making a jolly jackass out of himself in his old age?'
'Well, Alfred, if he could be put out of conceit with the girl in some way-if he found anything against her character-something to disgust him in short-'
'I perceive,' replied Captain Torrant reflectively, 'but there is some danger. In the first place, proof may be very difficult to get to support the accusation; and in the second place any one setting such reports on foot would be liable to heavy damages.'
'Pooh, pooh,' replied Eliza, 'you have plenty of young scamps among your brother officers who would be delighted with the chance of taking a pretty girl's maidenhood. Only let me find out her address, and then you can give one of your friends the information, and let him make her acquaintance and seduce her; fuck her well, get her with child-anything-so that she is quite ruined and spoilt as to any purpose of becoming a stepmother to me.'
To this hopeful scheme, the gentleman assented, merely remarking that it would never do 'to trust any of our fellows with such a delicate business.'
'I see how it is sir,' exclaimed Eliza, 'you think that if there is any maidenhood taking to be done, you can do it pretty well yourself. And so you can, I can testify; only I think that your regard for me, that you profess so largely about, might keep you from straying after such a nonsensical baby-faced doll.'
'My darling Eliza, I did not propose to do anything of the kind,' replied the aggrieved dragoon, 'I merely said that I would not venture to entrust such a piece of business to any of our youngsters.'
'Ah well,' said the lady, 'I would rather have avoided this part of the business; but I suppose what must be, must; and if the girl is to be seduced and rogered, you will have to do it. Of course, it is all fun for you, but I can't help but feel a little bit jealous. You don't care for her I know, as you care for me, but still all you young reprobates like a little change, and I am told that she is fresh and rosy-looking, with golden brown hair; while as for poor me, I am sallow and colourless, and my black hair looks dismal-I know it does.'
We may presume that Miss Bonham made these remarks in full consciousness of her charms; for she really was a splendid woman. And of course her lover judiciously lost no time in informing her of the fact, accompanying his protestations with the warmest caresses. So that at last the young lady, fairly vanquished, promised to be no more jealousthan she could help; that she supposed Alfred would have to like Rosa a little-just a little bit-or he would not be able to seduce her; and that when that nice little bit of business was done, he must leave her in some gay house, or in keeping with one of his friends, or somewhere or other; Miss Bonham was not particular, only that Alfred must never see the girl again; and must marry her-Eliza-as soon as it could be managed, and then they would live happy forever afterwards, as the story book says. On this there followed more kisses and caresses, and the lovers went out for a walk in the garden.
Leaving them in their happiness we will follow Master Robert on his excursion to the Fieldings' farm; an excursion taken on his master's account as far as business was concerned, but not without an eye to his own amusement should opportunity occur. The day was fine, and he walked leisurely along, thoroughly enjoying the feeling of having got away from the barracks, and of having nothing to do; not that Master Robert was particularly over-burdened in that respect at any time. He had asked directions as to his road from one or two country louts, and was following a side path which bordered a wood, when he caught sight of some chimneys in the distance; this he thought might be the farm he sought; and while he was considering the matter he perceived in the adjoining wood a girl and a boy gathering fallen sticks. He spoke to the couple, desiring to know whereabouts Farmer Fielding's might happen to be. On this, the girl said her brother should show him the way, while she went home with the sticks.
But Master Robert, who had his eyes about him, and perceived that the girl, though coarsely dressed was a stout, buxom, fresh-looking lass of about seventeen, proposed that she should show him the way, and that her little brother should take the sticks home. The girl seemed to hesitate; but the boy being presented with a penny, cut the matter short by running off to spend it, and thus left Robert, as he wished, alone with the nice-looking girl guide.
She was for going to the farm by the path, from which indeed, as she said, the house was easily to be seen; but Robert knew better than that, and said he was sure the wood must be a shorter way, and putting his arm around the girl's waist, led her along to where the bushes appeared to grow tolerably close. She laughingly declared that the way he was taking did not lead to anywhere; but did not seem to object nevertheless, even when Robert, spying a mossy bank, pretty well sheltered from observation, proposed that they should sit down there and rest awhile.
Finding that the girl was not at all ill-disposed for a little love-making, though she might be a little shy, the jolly dragoon proceeded to seat her on his knee, taking the precaution in the first instance of raising her petticoats, so that he might have facilities for exploring her bare rump.
And of course, when he had got tier great fat arse thus comfortably established, he lost no time in shoving a couple of fingers up her cunt.
As he found no maidenhead, he asked his rustic friend if she had any sweethearts among the country lads, to which she replied, smiling and shaking her head: 'No, no, Susan Flipper she had a sweetheart and she let him shove his cock into her, and she had a child and it gave her a great deal of trouble, — no, no sweethearts for me, thank you!'
'But what do you do, my precious, for something instead of a cock, and how do you happen to have lost your maidenhead?'
'Well, I don't know much about a maidenhead,' was the reply, 'but when I feel queer like, I get a carrot and ram it into me, into the slit between my thighs, that you've got your ringers in; and it makes me feel so nice-only one day I did it rather too hard, and burst through something and hurt myself.'
'Let's see,' said the astute Robert, as he turned the damsel over on her hands and knees, and pulling open the lips of her cunt, took a deliberate inspection, 'I can manage to give you a deal more pleasure than you can get from a carrot, Nelly (if that's your name) and without any risk of getting you with child.'
'Could you really now,' said the simple country girl. 'Is your cock quite harmless, then?' she asked.
'Certainly,' replied Robert, uncovering about nine inches of a wholesome looking and decidedly thickish prick, 'you perceive my dear, that if you go down on your hands and knees and I just shove in the red end of this machine, no harm can possibly happen to you; it is only when a girl is laid down on her back-with her thighs open, and her sweetheart gets atop of her and shoves the whole length of his tool up her that she gets big with child.'
'Ah, I know that's true enough,' replied Nelly, 'for Susan Flipper told me, that was the way her John got her down in the cow house, one day when she was milking, and what's more, she said he nearly split her arse up.'
'There's no fear of that with me, my pretty Nelly,' said Robert coaxingly.
'If you'll just go down on your hands and knees-on that soft mossy bank, I'll fuck you very gently, and will neither split your arse nor get you with child.'
'Well, you are a nice-looking civil young gentleman,' replied the rustic lass, 'and your cock is certainly an uncommon nice one, and a big one, — I only hope it is not too big, and so-'
'And so, I may! Isn't that what you mean to say, my pet?' interrupted Robert.
Then, taking consent for granted, he placed the strong well-shaped girl on all fours, with her jolly rump prominently stuck out, and the whole of her regalia completely displayed. As she was pretty tight, he at first kept tolerably well to his promise about not going further into her than the knob, but every shove made a difference, and by the time he had got to the fifth push, he was in up to the hilt, simply as far as his weapon would go.
Nelly did not reproach him greatly for his perfidy, on the contrary, she wriggled her bottom about, and even shoved it out to meet his furious lunges so that Master Robert enjoyed himself even more than he expected to do. That Nelly did the same may be pretty well inferred from the fact that when he was spunking into her, she was actually sinking under him with pleasurable emotion.
The young woman's first remark upon getting up was: 'Well now, I must get home to mother, or she'll wonder where I am. I don't know, young man, whether you kept very strictly to your word as to the amount of prick you just put into me, but I felt as if you put a deuce of a length!
How some ever, it was all very nice; and if you should happen to be passing this way, some other time, I am generally somewhere about, and if you don't see me, any of the lads or lasses working hereabouts will be able to tell you where to find me. That is if you want to do so, because perhaps you think one go is enough, and you are tired of me already.'
Robert gallantly assured her that this was far from being the case, and took a most affectionate leave of her; at least, if giving her a crown piece to buy a new bonnet, while his fingers were groping about her rump, is a fair proof of affection on the part of the young man.
Then he pursued his way towards the farm house, which he never would have had the slightest difficulty in finding without any guidance; secretly congratulating himself that whether he succeeded or not, in doing any business for his master, he had managed a very nice little bit of amusement for himself. So far so good. Entering the farm house, he at once accosted a jolly looking dame, whom he correctly enough supposed to be Mother Fielding, asked permission to sit down and the favour of a drink of milk.
The old lady perceiving at once, from his neat plain groom's dress, and the cockade in his hat, that he was some superior gentleman's servant, and propitiated probably by his good looks, not only asked him to rest himself, but put before him a tankard of strong ale, and some bread and cheese, remarking that it would be hard if Fielding's Farm could not afford a tired stranger a mouthful of beer.
'Then this is Fielding's Farm, is it?' said the apparently astonished Robert, 'and you are the Mrs. Fielding, mother of that beautiful young lady the officers at the barracks are always talking about.'
Mrs. Fielding acknowledged that she was the mother of the young lady in question, not without a deal of conscious pride at hearing Rosa so described, remarking however that it was like the officers' impudence, to be so free in talking about her daughter.
'But I suppose,' concluded the old lady, 'it is all the same to them, my daughter or somebody else's.'
'Truly madam, I fear you are not far wrong,' said the moral Robert, 'our young gentlemen are rather too free both in their conversation and manners, but in the case of so very distinguished a beauty, as I hear Miss Fielding is, little talk comes natural. Besides, madam, in this case it is quite excusable, as report does say that your daughter is going to make a high marriage.'
'People should mind their own business and not tell lies about other folk's affairs,' said Mrs. Fielding, remembering Mr. Bonham's admonitions on the subject of silence and secrecy.
'Ah, well, if it is a lie,' replied the astute Robert, making his point at once, 'I'll correct it-whenever I hear it-and mention my authority.'
'Not but what Rosa could be if she choose,' interposed the old dame, 'of course such things are generally unlikely.'
'Very unlikely,' here interrupted Robert, in order to interrupt her, irritate her and lead her on.
'But there are exceptions to every rule, and my girl Rosa, who is as good as she is pretty, may be an exception in this case. Mind, I don't say she is!'
'Oh, of course not!' interposed the military groom, 'and that's exactly the reason she has gone to London, I suppose!'
'Why, not exactly to be married,' replied Mrs. Fielding, forgetting all about concealment in her own satisfaction, and drawn on by her guest's confident manner, 'not to be married just yet. You see, though Rosa has been well brought up, yet a little London polish is desirable to fit her for the high station she will occupy.'
'Oh, of course,' replied Robert, in a matter-of-fact way, as if he knew all about it, and highly approved, but thinking to himself all the while: 'You are a nice soft old lady, and if you let out this secret to every one as easily as you let it out to me, it will very soon be parish news. But your ale is good at any rate, so here's your good health, ma'am.'
This last remark was uttered aloud and acknowledged.
'Oh, I am afraid that you are a dreadful set up at the barracks, young man. You are in service to one of the gentlemen, I see. Pray, who may he be?'
'Only acting as officer's servant, madam,' replied her guest, 'you know the officers are at liberty to choose the smartest and best lookingahem- of the men, to act as servants for them.'
'Certainly,' said the fanner's wife, 'why not? And who are you with at present?'
All this interlude gave Robert time for invention, so accordingly out he came with one of the biggest lies he had ever told in his life, — and that is saying a good deal.
'Major Ringtail, madam, of the 51st Dragoons, is the gentleman I am with. He drove over to Rutshole this morning, and as he did not want me to assist him in the business he was after, he gave me a holiday; which I thought I could not employ more innocently than by a walk in the country.'
'Quite right, young man,' replied the old lady, 'and what sort of a man is the Major?'
'Oh, he's a very nice quiet sort of a gentlemanly man,' was the reply, 'he's rather addicted to drinking and gambling, but then you know, Mrs. Fielding, that officers at country quarters must amuse themselves somehow-and he may be said by strict people to be damnably given to cursing and swearing and fighting. Indeed, the Reverend Brother Stiggins said so the other day, when the Major kicked him out of the barracks yard. But then, you know, madam, men will be stupid and aggravating; and fools like Stiggins will interfere where they have no business. And people do say of my respected master, — people will talk you know-that he spends too much of his time in fornication; and that he is over much given to rogering any of the pretty country lasses, or any other girls that he may happen to fall in with. But I suppose that he considers that proceeding to be part of his duty, as an officer of HM's 51st Dragoons. And,' said Robert in conclusion, 'considering that he is a Dragoon officer, I think he behaves himself on the whole as well as can be expected.'
'On the whole,' said Mrs. Fielding to herself, 'well perhaps he does, I wonder how he behaves off the whole?' But she only said, 'Pray young man, what did the respectable gentleman, your master, kick the sainted Brother Stiggins out of the barracks for? I think that holy man was terribly indiscreet in venturing to trust his sainted body in such a den of iniquity. But I beg your pardon, young man, I did not mean to hurt your feelings, the words slipped out unaware.'
'Well, madam,' said Robert gravely, 'we don't generally call the barracks a den of iniquity. You see, perhaps our gentlemen might not understand what that meant, but it's commonly known by the name of Hell's Blazes; and Mrs. Mantrap, the Colonel's lady, — his wife's at Cheltenham-calls it Little Sodom. But that's neither here nor there,' continued the narrator, with a side glance at his hostess's horrorstricken countenance, 'you were asking me about that little unpleasantness between the Major and that apostle, Stiggins. I know all about it; for you see the Major had got me with him in case of Stiggins, or any of the congregation turning nasty.'
'What, were you in the chapel?' asked the old lady, in great surprise.
'And what were you doing there?'
'We were in Little Bethel Chapel, madam, to offer up our devotions to the best of our ability,' replied Robert demurely. 'You see in the tenth pew from the pulpit, on the left hand side, a deuced nice girl used to sit, and in the afternoon, generally by herself. I told my master, as in duty bound, and he was taken with a pious fit. So he found out who the girl was, and after speaking to her two or three times in the street, in the most impudent way, he pretends that she has converted him, — ha, ha! and says that he should like to be gathered into the fold, the only fold he was thinking of being the folds of her petticoats. Well ma'am, I don't think she could be quite such a fool as to believe all he said, but what with having her brain softened with Stiggins' nonsensical saintly trash, and what with the pride of showing off a Dragoon Officer as a brand: saved from the burning, in her own pew: and perhaps a little feeling of another kind besides, — you know what I mean, Mrs. F-all combined together to induce her to make a fool of herself, and she made an appointment with the Major to meet her in her pew one Sunday afternoon, when her mother would be asleep at home and her father smoking his pipe. All this my master told me of course, for I was to stick to him, and what's more I got a special chum of mine, Tom, Lieutenant Larkyn's man, to come with me and sit pretty close, for you see madam, there was no telling how the congregation, to say nothing of the deacons and elders, and that bad lot, might take it.'
Take it! Take what?' exclaimed Mrs. Fielding.
'Patience, madam, and you shall hear,' replied Robert with drunken gravity, for the strong ale was beginning to take effect upon him.
'During the first part of Stiggins' mountebanking, his prayers and howlings, and damning everybody except himself, up hill and down dale, my master behaved himself tolerably quiet, merely kissing Miss Larcher, (that's her name) every now and then, giving her an occasional squeeze, and putting his hand up her petticoats in a devotional manner, when they knelt down together.'
'Good Lord!' interrupted the farmer's wife, 'do you call that behaving quietly?'
'Very much so indeed, madam,' was the reply, 'not a sound was to be heard in the pig-market-I beg pardon-chapel-except the bawling of that Stiggins who bawled enough for sixty. His bawling had one good effect at any rate, it sent half his disciples to sleep before he got to tenthly and when he arrived and called thirteenthly, half the congregation were snoring comfortably. Not so my master and his fair friend. I had noticed him getting on very favourably. Once he laid her backward, on the seat, and took a regular good, long, groping feel at her privates. On another occasion he took out his standing prick and showed it to her; I suppose she wanted to convert that too, for she took hold of it admiringly. All this was very pleasant, and I suppose the Major had been keeping a pretty bright look-out on the state of the congregation, for when he perceived what I noticed, that one half of them were happily out of hearing of Stiggins' howls; he thought it a good opportunity to go to work in earnest. I had been stooping down below the level of the door of the pew to get a good suck at a flask of brandy and water, which I had brought with me to enable me to bear up against the fatigue and to bring myself into a devotional frame of mind, when on raising my eyes, the first thing I saw, was a pair of remarkably good legs, nicely set off by clean white stockings, and neat little shoes, showing over the side of the adjoining pew. Of course I knew what such an apparition as this meant, and if I couldn't guess, I was very soon enlightened, for on peeping over the edge, — as was my duty, in order to see that all was straight-forward and pleasant, there I saw my respected and gallant master fucking, as the common people call it, Miss Larcher in a most splendid style. The seat of the pew was not much of a rest for her fine broad rump, but in spite of her heavings and wrigglings, he pinned her hard and fast; and did not leave off until he had completely enjoyed her beautiful body. As for her, I only hope she enjoyed herself in proportion to her sufferings, for when the Major got off her, before she closed her thighs or put her clothes down, I noticed that her chemise was stained with blood, as she must have smarted a little.'
'But do you mean to tell me, young man,' interrupted Mrs. Fielding, 'that none of the congregation noticed what was going on?'
'One of them did, Mrs. Fielding,' coolly replied the narrator, 'but, as he came towards the pew, I told him it was the case of a female in a spiritual conflict with Satan, and that if he didn't go back to his seat, I'd make him and that damn quick. So, he went, apparently quite convinced. And as for the test of the congregation, they were either asleep or stupid, as of course they naturally must be, to come to such a stinking hole at all! So my master buttoned his trousers in peace, and his pretty friend adjusted her dress, and they marched out, before Stiggins had nearly finished his yelling. But the brute from the top of his sentry-box, which he calls his watch-tower, had the advantage of overlooking the sleeping pens of his flock, and great was his disgust, as you may imagine, on perceiving a fine young ram like master, getting into the mutton of a pretty ewe lamb, like Miss Larcher. And he came to the barracks, firstly to threaten the Major with hell-fire, which he seems to know a good deal about, secondly to endeavour on finding the Major did not seem to care very much about the flames, to get a ten-pound note out of him, by way of a bribe for holding his tongue.
Then, on finding the Major did not care one damn whether he held his tongue or not, and did not propose to give him any money: he changed his tone once more, and told the Major that if he did not give him ten or fifteen pounds, he would tell Miss Larcher's father and mother, and would have her turned out of the congregation of the saints, completely disgraced. Upon this the Major informed him, that he, the saintly Stiggins, had been discovered in a pig-pen, rogering a young sow, that he, the Major, had half a dozen witnesses quite ready to prove it, and that if he annoyed him, or Miss Larcher with his blackguard lies, he would have him up before the magistrates for bestiality. And before the horror-stricken Stiggins could recover his presence of mind on hearing this intelligence, he found himself being kicked out of the barracks with speed and dexterity; and I have no doubt it did him a power of good. 'And now, Mrs. Fielding, with many thanks for your kind hospitality, I must say goodbye. If you had another daughter at home I would ask for an introduction, but as it is, I must do without.
Duty calls, madam, farewell!'
So saying the half-drunken Robert took his departure to report progress to his master, leaving Mrs. Fielding lifting up her hands and eyes, as she exclaimed: 'Good Lord-a-mussy me!'