“So, explain how my lamp got broke again?” Shane was standing over me as I sat on the couch, my knees up and my arms wrapped around them. I was giving him a guilty look.
“Joey and his cousin got into a fight, and they knocked it over.”
“What were they doing in my bedroom?”
“They just were.”
“Erica, you need to explain this to me.”
“Well, Joey and I were down by the pool, and Tony and Gwen went in the house. I thought they had gone into the living room, but it turned out they went to your room.”
“For what?”
I stared at him. “Shane.”
“Oh,” he replied, staring back.
I could see his mind thinking, and I knew it was about his cameras.
“In my bed?” he asked with a question in his voice.
I nodded.
“Ok. So how do we get from that to the broken lamp?”
“Joey and I went to find them, and when we did, well, things got a little crazy, and Tony made a pass at me. Joey got upset, and pushed Tony into the lamp.”
Shane’s brow furrowed and he scratched his head. “So wait, Tony’s in my bed with this Gwen girl, and then he makes a pass at you? How does that happen?
I put my face in my hands. “It just did. I don’t want to talk about it.”
He sighed and stared at me. “I knew that Joey was bad news.”
“Shane, it wasn’t Joey’s fault. He stuck up for me.”
“I don’t think you should see him again.”
“I’m not sixteen anymore. You can’t tell me who I can’t see.”
He sat down next to me. “Erica, I’m not saying you can’t see him. I’m trying to treat you like an adult, and give you my opinion.”
“You don’t know him.”
“I know his kind. He’s not the kind of guy you would have a future with.”
“Future? I don’t want a future with him. We just fit well together. We have fun.”
“Don’t you want to be with someone who means more than that?”
I looked at him. “Yeah Shane, I do. But I can’t be with him, so Joey’s going to have to do.”
He gave me a puzzled look. “I don’t understand. There’s someone you want to be with?”
“Yes.”
“Who?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Of course it matters. Who is he?”
I rubbed my forehead. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
“Erica, don’t shut me out.” He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him. I accepted his embrace and rested my head on his chest.
“Tell me what’s going on, honey,” he said, combing his fingers through my hair. I snuggled into him, my mind floating away. His voice soothed me, as if I was being hypnotized.
“So there’s another guy?” he asked.
“Yes,” I mumbled.
“You love him?”
“Very much.”
“And you can’t be with him?”
I shook my head.
“Why not?”
“He doesn’t love me that way.”
“I find that hard to believe. You’re a beautiful girl.”
I snuggled closer.
“Have you told him how you feel?”
I shook my head again.
“Then that explains it. How is he supposed to know?”
I shrugged.
“Erica, you have to tell him.”
I lifted my head and looked at him. “Shane, I can tell you anything, right?”
“Of course.”
“Well,” I paused, “When I make love to other men, I think of him.”
His eyes opened wide, and I could see he was searching for words.
“Um, really?”
“Yes. With every other guy. I’m always imagining it’s him.”
“But Erica, that’s not healthy. If you want to be with him, you should be with him, not those other guys.”
I shrugged. “I know.”
“Then what’s stopping you?”
I ignored his question and said, “Have you ever done anything like that?”
“Me? Done what?”
“Slept with one woman while you wished you were with another?”
“Erica, I-”
“Sometimes, I even find guys who look like him, so it makes the imagining easier. Have you ever done that, Shane?”
He stared at me, and I could see his mind working.
“I–I mean- Yeah, I guess I have.”
“Did it hurt when you did it? I don’t mean at the time, but afterwards?”
“Sometimes.”
“It does for me. And sometimes I think that pain is going to be in me forever, do you know what I mean?”
“Yes, I do.”
I rested my head down on him again, and we laid in silence for a while, both of us thinking. Then I lifted my head and kissed him on the side of the mouth. “Goodnight, Shane. Thanks for the talk. Sorry again about the lamp.”
I got up and started for the stairs. His voice stopped me.
“Erica?”
“Yes, Shane?”
“I love you.” The way he said it was half way between telling a girl goodnight, and telling his lover how he felt.
I smiled and said, “I love you too, Shane,” matching his tone.