Shut up, Da said.
He never liked to say that, or to hear it. It meant he was furious.
Shut up.
I didn’t even say anything, I said.
It was my fault. I was not supposed to leave him. Alone. I was never supposed to leave him alone.
It gets really hard, though. Sometimes. He was sleeping. He slept pretty regular, and so I knew. Approximately. I could go around the corner, breathe some air, think some thoughts. Get a chicken burger. Just around the corner. Just.
Shut up, he said again.
Why, Da?
Shut up, Darius, is what he said. To me.
Who, Da? Who said shut up to you?
Little puke. That little, little puke.
Who’s the puke, Da?
Largs. Little puke Largs. And Zeke. Me, shut up?
When did they tell you to shut up?
Where were you, Young Man?
I am sorry, Da. Really.
Do I smell chicken?
Da? When did they tell you to shut up?
Right there. Up there. On the landing.
The landing. Halfway up the stairs? That landing? Our landing? In our house?
I got a little lost.
What were you doing on the landing, Da? I left you on the couch.
His face. The crumpled face. The don’t-know face, but knowing that not knowing is really bad. Knowing enough to be humiliated about not knowing. That face.
Were you going up or coming down when they came to you?
That face. That diabolical sad face.
Lots of people did that, though. My own dad did it. Pause on the landing, trying to remember what he is after. Common.
But not knowing whether you were halfway up or halfway down. That is different. That is way-bad different.
I was lost, Young Man.
And they came and found you. Zeke. And Largs the puke. They came and found you.
Where were you, Daniel?
So sorry, Da, so sorry. Will not happen again. I will not leave you again.
And I never did. Until I was told. I never did again. I could say that at least.
So they found you, on the landing, when you were lost.
Just shut up, for crying out loud, Darius. Just keep your mouth shut.
How did they know you were lost?
Because I said so. I said I am lost. And I said, Daniel? I said, Daniel…
I could have cried, I could have. He would have punched me dead in the face, which would have helped.
I am sorry, Da.
You didn’t come.
I am sorry. I am sorry.
So they came.
How did they hear you? How did they know to come?
You mean when you didn’t come?
Yes. Da. I mean that. Yes.
People can hear, Daniel. Don’t be silly. People can hear, easy. Except you, I suppose.
God. I am sorry, Da. I swear, I will never not hear you again. Never.