'Yes,' growled the Pirate Captain. 'I am going to be in here much longer. Beards like this don't look after themselves, you know.'
'Right, sorry,' said the scientist, backing away meekly. 'Gosh. You've got a lot of scars.'
The Pirate Captain was wearing only a risque towel, and he did indeed have a number of scars from previous adventures.
"That's from bumping against scientific apparatus in my laboratory,' explained the Pirate Captain, a murderous gleam in his eyes.
'And is that... a treasure map tattooed on your belly?'
'No. It's the periodic table.'
'It doesn't look like the periodic table. X isn't an element.'
The Pirate Captain decided to run the scientist through with his cutlass after all. He washed it off in the sink, attended to his beard and then went back to the room he was sharing with some of the other pirates.
'They may know how to make a mechanical pig,' said the Pirate Captain, 'but these scientists have got a lot to learn about manners.'
The other pirates all nodded at this.
'Now, does everybody know what they're doing today? You two,' the Pirate Captain pointed to the albino pirate and the pirate with a hook where his hand should have been, 'will help Mr Darwin with anything he needs for his lecture. And you two,' this time he indicated the scarf-wearing pirate and the pirate with an accordion, 'will check out P.T. Barnum's Circus. Why is a Bishop involved in running a circus, that's what I want to know. I'm not sure how it fits in with his diabolical plans, but I have my suspicions about the place. It's ladies' night, so you'll have to disguise yourselves as women.'
'It's going to be quite difficult fitting a lady
disguise on top of our scientist disguises, which we're already wearing on top of our pirate outfits,' said the scarf-wearing pirate.
'You'll just have to do your best,' said the Pirate Captain. 'I'd go myself, but obviously my luxuriant beard would make it difficult for me to pass as a lady. And don't forget that ladies speak in squeaky voices. Like this - "Hello, I'm a lady!'"
Everybody laughed at the Pirate Captain's brilliant impression of what a lady sounded like.17
"The rest of you pirates go round town and paste up these posters advertising tonight's lecture.'
| 17 Men's vocal cords tend to be thicker than women's, so they produce a deeper tone in exactly the same way that a thick rubber band makes a deeper sound than a thin one when you twang it. You might need to stretch the rubber bands over a biscuit tin to get the full effect. |
The Pirate Captain handed out a stack of A4 posters. They were illustrated with a picture of Darwin and Mister Bobo playing chess. Mister Bobo was in Rodin's The Thinker pose, and
Darwin had thrown his hands up in defeat. The Pirate Captain had drawn the picture himself, and was proud of his effort. Before he became a pirate he was going to be an architect, and he had used his knowledge of perspective and foreshortening to make Mister Bobo's massive monkey behind seem a lot smaller than it was in real life. And he'd managed to give Darwin a genuine look of exasperation at having been bested by a chimp. The only thing about the picture that slightly disappointed the Pirate Captain was Darwin's hands, which looked more like lumpy starfish - for some reason the Pirate Captain had never got very good at drawing hands. Above the picture were the words:
One night only - Mister Charles Darwin will be showing off his fantastic hirsute new friend Mister Bobo - the world's first Man-panzee! Royal Society Lecture Rooms, admission free.
In very small print it was noted that Mister Bobo did not actually play chess to a particularly high standard.
'These are very good, Captain,' said the scarf-wearing pirate, already applying a cherry-coloured lipstick. The Pirate Captain waved away the praise, and mumbled something about how he didn't think it was that good a picture, even though it was obvious how proud he was.
'Now, I hope I can trust you pirates with this. I'm afraid I've got a prior engagement, so I won't be around to help out,' said the Pirate Captain, giving his sternest look to his men, which involved lowering his eyebrows and pursing his lips together.
'What's that, Captain? asked the accordion-playing pirate, having some difficulty with his bra strap.
'I received a letter this morning, inviting me to attend a Pirate Convention at Earls Court. I'm one of the guests of honour.'
The other pirates occasionally wondered how it was that these letters found their way to their itinerant captain, but somehow they always did.
'A Pirate Convention? You're certain this isn't another of those Royal Navy schemes to trap a
whole bunch of pirates?' said the scarf-wearing pirate, his brow furrowed with concern.
'Remember that time they said there was going to be a pirate beauty contest on Mozambique, and we had to shoot our way out?'
'Remember it? Of course I remember it! I still say I was robbed,' pouted the Pirate Captain. His crew nodded - certainly none of them had ever seen another pirate as attractive as their chiselled Captain.
'But, anyhow, the letter came with our secret pirate symbol marked on the envelope. See?' The Pirate Captain pointed to the Jolly Roger18 stamped on the seal. 'So it must be the real deal. I'm quite looking forward to it. With any luck I'll be able to sign a few autographs for the kids, and pick up some pirate equipment at bargain prices.'
| 18 Though the name 'Jolly Roger' would lead you to expect a picture of a happy-looking man, it is actually a scary skull above two crossed bones. |
'All due respects, Captain,' said the pirate in green, feasting on a bowl of cereal, 'but have you really got time to be going off to a Pirate
Convention? We're sort of bang in the middle of an adventure here.'
'It's a fair point,' replied the Pirate Captain. 'But I have my reasons. For a start, what with Black Bellamy pulling a fast one on us, the boat's finances aren't looking too healthy, and this could be a chance to make a doubloon or two. Good deeds won't keep us in ham, you know. Secondly, a few of my pirate contacts might come in useful in figuring out just what this Bishop is really up to. And thirdly, I'm the Pirate Captain and I can do whatever the hell I please!'
Are you planning on wearing that hat to the convention?' asked the pirate in red. The Pirate Captain thought he could detect a certain amount of disapproval in his tone.
'Yes, I am. It happens to be my favourite hat. You may notice that the blue of the trim brings out the blue of my eyes,' the Pirate Captain pointed to the blue trim and then at his blue eyes to emphasise the point.
'Ah. Well, then. I'm sure you know best, Captain.'
Are you trying to say there's something wrong with my hat?'
'Not at all, Captain. It might not be the most up-to-date choice, but I'm sure there's nothing wrong with that,' said the pirate in red, sounding very much like he thought there was a great deal wrong with it.
"This is a perfectly good pirate hat. It's a tricorn.'
'Exactly'
'Your point being?'
'It's just... nowadays ... a more Napoleonic design seems to be the choice of the successful pirate. It's generally held to have a touch more .. . je ne sais quoi. I'm only saying, is all.'
'My hat has plenty of je ne sais quoi. Not to say joie de vivre.'
'If you say so.'
'Fine. Hands up who likes my hat?'
Most of the pirate crew loyally stuck their hands in the air. The pirate in red just shrugged and pretended to be reading a book. Satisfied that the mutinous swab had been put in his place, the Pirate Captain helped himself to another bowl of Coco-Pops.
Nine
ENTER THE PIRATE KING!
| B |