The pirate boat slowly pulled out of the shabby dock, and all the pirates waved the steadily shrinking trio goodbye. The Pirate Captain smiled. There were good bits about the land, he reflected, like the shops and the way it didn't wobble about all the time, but he'd missed the ocean. The Pirate Captain actually became quite lost in his thoughts about how much he liked the crashing waves and seaweed and being a pirate and that, until an indignant cough jolted him back to the moment. 'And what do you propose to do with me?'
said the Bishop of Oxford, who had been lashed to the boat's mast.
'We'll find an uninhabited island someplace,' said the Pirate Captain, 'and then we'll maroon you. It's the pirate way.'
'I don't much like the sound of that.'
'Oh, it's not so bad. For some reason Pirate Law says you're allowed to take a few records. And the odd book. I think it's eight of each.'
'Can I take the Bible?'
'Oh, you get that anyway. And the complete works of Shakespeare. But the rest is up to you. Don't be clever and choose Robinson Crusoe -everybody does that.'
The Pirate Captain turned back to watch Littlehampton's amusement arcade fade into the distance.
'That went pretty well, don't you think, number two?' he said to the pirate with a scarf.
'Yes, Captain. Though maybe our next adventure should be a little less episodic? And not be so confusing at times?' said the pirate with a scarf, leaning on the boat's safety railings and enjoying the spray of the sea on his face.
'Aaargh. You're right. And towards the last half of this adventure, I don't know if you noticed, but we stopped having half as many feasts. That was a pity.'
And we didn't really end up with much treasure,' said the albino pirate sadly. 'Which is usually the best bit about our adventures.'
'Oh, I didn't come away completely empty-handed,' said the Pirate Captain with a grin. He rummaged about in the silky folds of his beard where, amongst the ribbons and the luxuriant hair, something shiny seemed to be lodged. The Captain eventually prised it free. He held up a large nugget of metal. It gleamed white in the evening sun, and the pirate with a scarf whistled in admiration.
'Ruthenium!' said the albino pirate.
| 33 Ruthenium is one of the ultra-rare 'Platinum Group metals'. It has a melting point of 2250°C and a boiling point of 39oo0C, 44 protons, 44 electrons and 57 neutrons. |
'Aaargh. That it is. Atomic number forty-four. Most valuable metal in the world.33 Better than gold - and you know how highly I rate gold, so that's saying something.'
All the pirate crew cheered their Captain, and then they went downstairs to do some shantying.
And with that, the pirate boat sailed about for a bit.
Comprehension Exercise
Answer all questions to the best of your abilities
1. What do you think the themes of this book were? Several commentators have described the main theme as 'pirates'. Another theme might be said to be 'ham'. Would you agree?
2. Which do you think is more important to the Pirate Captain - ham, or his luxurious beard? If you had to choose which was more important to you, which one do you think you would pick?
3. On The Late Show, one of the critics, who has a face that looks like it's made of mallow, said to Germaine Greer, 'I wish there were more of Black Bellamy in The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists, he was the best character ever.' Would you agree with this assessment?
4- Apart from Brian Blessed, who do you think should play the Pirate Captain if they were ever to make a movie of this book?
5. Do you think the section in Chapter Five when the Pirate Captain forces several pirates to walk the plank is included to show that life at sea had a harsh edge to it? Or do you think the author has some other motives?
6. Choose the letter that best represents your feelings:
'Upon completion of The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists, I would describe my mood
as _.'
(A) angry (B) restless (C) excitable (D) sleepy (E) afraid
7. Scientifically speaking, who do you think the tallest pirate in the world is?
THANK YOU
WORDS TO KNOW:
lubber pirate starboard
ham sloop galley
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Firstly, to Richard Murkin, because this book is the product of us knocking about for the last ten years. Thanks also to Helen Garnons-Williams for her ace editing, Claire Paterson for her ace agenting and Caitlin Moran for actually sending it to Claire in the first place. I should mention that David Cordingly's Life among the Pirates and Bodenstandig 2000's Maxi German Rave Blast Hits Vol. 3 both came in very useful when I was writing this.
Plus (for a load of different reasons): my mum, Sam Brown, Chloe Brown, Rob Adey, Nicola Hughes, Dr Jack Button, Danny Garlick, Sherhan Lingham and Rebecca Andrews. And Ruth.
A surprisingly successful boat raid leads them to the young Charles Darwin, in desperate need of their help. And so the pirates set forth for London in a bid to save the scientist from the sinister scheming of an evil Bishop. There they encounter grisly murder, vanishing ladies, the Elephant Man - and have an exciting trip to the zoo. Now a major motion picture from Aardman Animations - featuring the voices of Hugh Grant, Martin Freeman, Imelda Staunton and Brian Blessed -The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists is the least historically accurate book you'll read all year.
'A short, deliriously funny novel about incredibly stupid pirates and ham . . . I've had to grow a luxuriant beard to conceal the grin that's been compromising my dignity since I read it' Ardal O'Hanlon
'Very funny, very silly and highly original' Esquire
'Shanty' probably derives from the French word 'chanter' meaning to sing. Most shanties tended to be about frisky mermaids who loved putting out for sailors more than anyone.
It was Francis Drake who had first made the Spanish Main a popular target, back in 1571. A replica of his boat, the Golden Hind, can be found today next to London Bridge.
Captain Johnson's General History of the Pyrates tells us that most pirate ships had a set of Articles, by which the crew had to adhere. Article 3 states 'No person to game at cards or dice for money', so Black Bellamy is showing his maverick colours here.
The Royal Society was set up in 1660, and many famous scientists have been members, including Robert Boyle, Robert Hooke and John Venn. Why not try drawing a Venn Diagram of 'pirates' (A) and 'ham' (B) and 'barrels of tar' (C). How large is the intersection (X)?
20Black looks best on persons who have black in their features (hair, eyes, brows and lashes), although black can be worn by most people for very dramatic occasions.
Wrestlers today are highly trained professionals, and obviously you should never try smacking people about the head with chairs or throwing them through tables at home. Even the best wrestlers get injured -Mick Foley, three times WWF champion, has broken most of the bones in his body during his career, lost several teeth and even an ear.