'He most certainly does!'
'Because it contravenes his religious beliefs?'
'Oh no! Nothing to do with that, my dear pirate Captain. The Bishop of Oxford recently became the largest shareholder in P.T. Barnum's world-famous Circus of Freaks.' Darwin leant forward with a conspiratorial air. 'The circus has been making a killing of late, because all of London Town is entranced by its latest exhibit... the fantastical Elephant Man. Have you heard of him?'
'Aarrr. He was on show last time we were in England,' said the Pirate Captain. A real disappointment as I remember. Doesn't even have a trunk. The trick is not to treat him like a gentleman, because he always starts crying if you do that.'
Anyhow, the Bishop of Oxford is clearly alarmed that my Man-panzee might steal his Elephant Man's thunder. So he denounced my ideas as blasphemous - he even said there was a bit in the Bible about how it was a sin to dress a monkey up in a waistcoat, but when
asked for the page reference he claimed to have forgotten.'
Darwin was clearly on the verge of an angry rage.
'So I joined this expedition in an attempt to find a suitable specimen. Only now I have received word from England that my brother Erasmus has gone missing! I believe he has been kidnapped by the Bishop of Oxford as a means of safeguarding against my successful return. I fear the Bishop intends to do him some great harm unless I abandon my research.'
'Does that mean you've had some success?' asked one of the pirates.
'Come, let me show you.'
Darwin and FitzRoy led the pirates to an adjoining cabin. The pirates gasped, for though the room was dark and cramped, they could still make out its sole occupant. Sitting in a I leather-backed armchair was a monkey with the best posture any of the pirates had ever seen. Dressed in an expensive-looking silk suit, with a pipe in his mouth, the creature peered at
the pirates through a gold-rimmed monocle. He appeared to be sipping on some sort of cocktail - the Pirate Captain thought he could smell gin. The monkey looked as if he had been freshly shaved, but he was still recognisably a monkey, though if you squinted he might have passed for a wizened old man, or a gigantic walnut.
'Obviously he cannot talk,' said Darwin, turning on a few gaslights. 'But he is able to carry on a conversation by use of flash cards. Though I expect that sometime in the future, technology will move on, so that rather than having to rely on the cards he'll be able to use ... oh, I don't know, refrigerator magnets, something like that.'
The monkey straightened his cravat, and held up a series of cards in quick succession.
'Hello. There. Pirates. Pleased. To. Meet. You,' he spelt out. 'My. Name. Is. Mister. Bobo.'
'Erm, pleased to meet you too,' said the Pirate Captain who, truth be told, felt like an idiot talking to a monkey, even one as finely dressed as
this.8 He turned to Darwin. 'It's a fantastic achievement.'
'Yes, Mister Bobo is by far my most promising specimen. I'm glad you didn't hit him with a cannonball. Please, let me give you a demonstration.' Darwin turned to the dapper little creature. 'Mister Bobo, would you tell us how one goes about being a proper gentleman?'
The monkey appeared deep in thought, and then shuffled through his pack of flash cards.
| 8 You share about 98.6 per cent of your DNA with a common chimpanzee. And upwards of 99 per cent of your DNA with a pirate! |
'Moderation. decorum. and. neatness. distinguish. the. gentleman; he. is. at. all. times. affable,. diffident, and. studious. to. please. Intelligent. and. polite,. his. behaviour. is. pleasant. and. graceful. When. he. enters. the. dwelling. of. an. inferior,. he. endeavours, to. hide,. if. possible,. the. difference. between. their. ranks. of. life;. ever. willing. to. assist. those. around. him,. he. is. neither. unkind,. haughty,. nor. overbearing. In. the. mansions, of. the. rich,. the. correctness. of. his. mind. induces. him. to. bend.
to. etiquette,. but. not. to. stoop. to. adulation;. correct. principle. cautions. him. to. avoid. the. gaming-table,. inebriety,. or. any. other. foible. that. could. occasion. him. self-reproach,' said Mister Bobo with his cards.
'You see? Not exactly perfect, but he makes a good stab at it. For a monkey,' said Darwin.
Flash cards were hardly the fastest way of communicating, and by now the pirates' bellies were rumbling. Also their pirate boots were getting wet as the Beagle started to sink, so they'd been hoping that the young scientist might have finished his speech, but Darwin, obviously proud of his discovery, went on.
'Naturally, I intended to find a better class of tailor back in England, one who might be able to do something to conceal his huge unsightly ass.'
'It is a big ass,' agreed a pirate.
'How have you been able to train him so well?' asked the Pirate Captain.
'Mostly fire,' Darwin nodded at some hot tongs hanging on the wall, and Mister Bobo looked a bit frightened. 'But it's all been a waste. I'll never be able to show him off to high society,
for fear of some terrible retribution suffered by Erasmus. And even if I did intend to confront the black-hearted Bishop of Oxford, now I don't even have a means of returning home to England. I am lost.'
And with that Darwin started to bawl like a baby. The pirates stared at the floor, and shifted from foot to foot. They couldn't help but feel a little responsible for the scientist's predicament, on account of their scuppering his boat with all those cannonballs. The pirates had a bit of a discussion amongst themselves. Then the Pirate Captain turned to Darwin.
| 9 As a warning to seafarers it was common practice in Britain and her overseas colonies to put the bodies of notorious pirates on display near the entrance to a port. Several pirates were hanged at Execution Dock on the banks of the Thames in London. |
'I don't much care to be hung in irons.9 And that's what we've been promised if we ever set foot in England again. But we don't want to see you and your Man-panzee bested by this scoundrel bishop you've told us about. So just as soon as we've eaten, us pirates will help you rescue
your brother, and get Mister Bobo accepted by Victorian high society and everything.'
Darwin went to plant a big kiss on the Pirate Captain's salty face, but then thought better of it and shook him by the hand. Everybody cheered, even Mister Bobo.
Five
TRAPPED IN QUICKSAND!
‘The pirates helped Darwin, FitzRoy and the crew of the Beagle shift their luggage from the slowly sinking boat.
'You'll have to sleep in a hammock, I'm afraid,' said the Pirate Captain. 'They're quite comfortable, but they can leave a criss-cross pattern on your buttocks.'
'Are you sure there's room?' asked Darwin, anxious not to be too much trouble.
'Don't worry about that. We'll make room,' said the Pirate Captain, adding with a merry wink, 'Truth is I've been meaning to have some of my pirates walk the plank for ages, I just haven't got round to it.'10
| 10 Plank-walking as a punishment was nothing like as common as TV and films would suggest, but there is one report from The Times of 23 July 1829 of Dutch sailors being compelled to walk the plank by pirates from Buenos Aires. |
'Walk the plank? That's barbaric!' blurted out
Darwin, before remembering that pirate ways are not necessarily the ways of other men. 'I'm sorry, it's just. . . there's really no need to go to those lengths. We'll sleep standing up, like bats.'
The Pirate Captain swatted his objections away.
'Honestly, it's been far too long since we did this. Lately, if a pirate has been annoying us, we've just shaved off an eyebrow or drawn a little moustache on his face whilst he sleeps, but it's no real substitute.'
He rummaged about in a large pine box that one of the crew had fetched from the hold.
'Oh, I haven't seen those for a while!' said the Captain, pulling out a garish pair of old pirate trousers. 'What was I thinking?! Ah, here it is.'
He blew the dust off a big plank of wood. Seeing that Darwin and FitzRoy were still looking a bit concerned, the Pirate Captain shot them a reassuring grin.
'Listen,' he said. 'It's not like I make any old pirate take the terrible walk. Strictly fools and lubbers. It's for the good of the species.'
* * *
As soon as the pirate boat reached shark-infested waters, the Pirate Captain, with a steely glint in his eye, gave the order to drop anchor. There was a carnival atmosphere onboard once the pirates realised that there was going to be some plank-walking. Darwin and FitzRoy looked on aghast as the Pirate Captain called out the first name.