red wasn't a flower - it was blood coming out of Marcus. The pirates all gave a mighty cheer.11
The other pirates singled out by the harsh but undeniably fair Pirate Captain were dispatched in similar fashion. They included: the balding archaeologist pirate called Stan; the rich pirate who tried to pass himself off as a hippy, whose name the Pirate Captain had forgotten; the pirate who had taught the Pirate Captain geography at Pirate Academy; a boring pirate from Oxford called Adam; and the stupid pirate who had got in the Pirate Captain's way when he was trying to eat pancakes. A late addition was a male model pirate whom the Pirate Captain hadn't even met.
As soon as the plank-walking was finished, the Pirate Captain pointed the boat towards England, and all the remaining pirates and
11 Despite the fearsome reputation of sharks, more people are actually killed each year by pigs. Also, sharks have no bones - their skeletons are made entirely from cartilage.
their guests went below decks for a feast. For a change the pirates had lamb instead of ham, with the usual accompaniment of green mint sauce and a salad. As a nice added touch the roast lamb was sprinkled with a little minced parsley. A few of Darwin's monkeys had also been served up as an appetiser. There had been some debate as to the best way to cook a monkey, but eventually the pirates had decided to treat the monkeys as if they were turkeys, so after the sinews had been drawn from the legs and thighs, and the monkeys carefully trussed, they were stuffed with sausagemeat and veal. It was all served with gravy and bread sauce. Too late the Pirate Captain realised that he had invited Mister Bobo to the feast, but if the creature was put out at being offered a slice of his chimpanzee brethren he was far too polite to say anything.
'So ... have you been a pirate captain long?' asked Darwin, gulping down a mug of grog.
'Goodness me! Long as I can remember,' said the Pirate Captain.
'You've never considered a career as something a little more orthodox?'
'I dare say I've considered it, but the fact is I'm a slave to pirating! I love it! The salty sea air, the exotic locations, the shiny gold. Especially the shiny gold.'
'I can see you're pretty good at it,' said Darwin graciously. Pirates seemed a lot more civilised than he had expected. He was unaware of the tremendous effort most of the crew were making in an attempt to eat in a respectable manner because they didn't want to look sloppy in front of visitors. Several of them were wearing their most jaunty sashes, and they had spent all day cleaning the boat from top to bottom.
'I have to say,' said Darwin, looking misty eyed, 'a part of me is quite jealous of your villainous lifestyle. Free from the tyranny of what society deems acceptable! Masters of your own fate! Living beyond the law! Us scientific types must seem rather dull to your piratical eyes.'
'Not at all,' said the Pirate Captain to his guest. 'I've always been interested in science. Perhaps, as a scientist, you'll be able to answer
a question that has perplexed me for many years.'
'I'll certainly do my best.'
'Tell me - scientifically speaking - who do you think the tallest pirate in the world is?'
'Erm. It's a bit outside my field of expertise,' replied Darwin apologetically.
'Ah well. Perhaps I'm destined never to know!' said the Pirate Captain with a wistful air.
'Darwin's not the only one with a scientific theory,' said FitzRoy. 'I've been doing some fascinating work to do with weather prediction. I hope to found a meteorological office when I return to London.'
Nobody at the table was at all interested in what FitzRoy was talking about, so he trailed off and stared miserably at his soup.12
| 12 In 1865 FitzRoy committed suicide at his home in Upper Norwood. In 1862 he had published The Weather Book. |
Darwin chewed on a monkey's paw. 'How long do you expect it will take us to reach England?' 'There's plenty of hams onboard, if that's
what you're worried about,' replied the Pirate Captain reassuringly. 'But let's see now ...' The Captain gazed into the middle distance and furrowed his brow to make it look like he was doing some difficult calculations in his head. In fact he was wondering if anybody had noticed how shiny his boots were, because he'd had the pirate with a scarf spend the whole morning polishing them. 'I should say we'd reach England by Tuesday or thereabouts, with a decent wind behind us. It would be a lot quicker than that if we could just sail straight there, but I was looking at the nautical charts, and it's a good job I did, because it turns out there's a dirty great sea-serpent right in the middle of the ocean! It has a horrible gaping maw and one of those scaly tails that looks like it could snap a boat clean in two. So I thought it best to sail around that.'
FitzRoy frowned. 'I think they just draw those on maps to add a bit of decoration. It doesn't actually mean there's a sea-serpent there.'
The galley went rather quiet. A few of the pirate crew stared intently out of the portholes,
embarrassed at their Captain's mistake. But to everyone's relief, instead of running somebody through, the Pirate Captain just narrowed his eyes thoughtfully.
'That explains a lot,' he said. 'I suppose it's also why we've never glimpsed that giant compass in the corner of the Atlantic. I have to say, I'm a little disappointed.'
Six
PIRATES AHOY!
| A |
fter a brief encounter with some lovely but black-hearted lady pirates' the pirate boat finally arrived in the sleepy seaside town of Littlehampton, on the south coast of England. Houses were still cheap there, compared to London prices, but of course there was always the risk of flooding. The beach was pretty good, and there was a lot of that seaweed which looks a bit like brains lying about. A couple of the pirates did impressions of the zombie pirates and said, 'Brains! Feed me brains!' and pretended to stuff the seaweed into their mouths.
'We must make haste to London,' said Darwin, fetching his suitcase up onto the beach, 'to meet my fellow scientists at the Royal Society.'
'Yes, quite right. Not a moment to lose!’ agreed the Pirate Captain. 'Except a few of the! men noticed an amusement arcade just along! from here, and I promised them they could go.
It has a gigantic slide and everything.'
'But Erasmus! He could be in all sorts of danger!'
The Pirate Captain's eyes flashed red like hot cannonballs.
'I'm sure your brother wouldn't begrudge my crew a little entertainment after such a hard! voyage,' he said, a hint of steel in his voice.
'Oh, very well,' replied Darwin, sulkily.
The pirate crew were excited to be visiting an| arcade, but it proved to be a dilapidated affair. The only halfway decent machines consisted of an ingenious mechanical series of shelves,; which all shunted backwards and forwards, each shelf laden with piles of silvery doubloons.' By putting a doubloon into a little slot the hope was to knock several doubloons over the!
edge of a precipice, where they could be collected. The pirates spent ages on one of the machines, because there was an actual pocket-watch resting on the doubloons near the edge, but no matter how much of their treasure they fed into the gas-powered beast the loot wouldn't fall down - it was almost as if the doubloons were stuck there with glue. A couple of the pirates got into trouble for trying to shake the machine, and they had to run outside and hide behind a man selling ice creams.
'This is rubbish,' said the pirate who was eating some candy floss, and the other pirates agreed, so they walked back down the beach to where Darwin and FitzRoy were waiting. Seeing them, Darwin leapt to his feet and gathered up his luggage once more.
'So, are we ready? There is a locomotive to London that leaves in half an hour,' said Darwin, eager to be off.
'Yes,' said the Pirate Captain. 'We must hurry! Oh look - a nautical-themed crazy golf! Let's have a go!'
'But the train ...' said Darwin, with a touch
of resignation.
'Nautical-themed! Do you think that's a genu-
ine ship's anchor? It's very realistic. You and FitzRoy can play as a team if you want,' said the Pirate Captain, handing him a putter.
Darwin could see there was no point arguing with the Pirate Captain once he had made up his mind.
The Pirate Captain swung his golf club, and the ball pinged away, only to hit the side of a big metal anchor and roll back to where it had started.
'That's lucky, it's a free drop,' said the Pirate Captain, picking up his ball and placing it about a foot from the hole. 'Because I hit the anchor.'