My last campaign in Germany met with unprecedented success. I took 40,000 prisoners, whom I carried across the Rhine and established in colonies in Gaul. The German tribes were themselves thoroughly demoralised and, for the moment at least, subdued. When I returned to Rome, which I had hardly visited for six years, I was greeted as a hero. I was accorded a triumph and granted triumphal regalia. My mother, whose hair had turned white during my years of absence, called me "worthy of my most illustrious ancestors". Augustus embraced me without shrinking and assured me that no man had done more for Rome than I. Clients flocked to my house every morning to do me honour and seek preferment at my hand. Even the common people with whom I had never been popular, since I scorned to court their favour, hailed me with cheers when I appeared in public. I should have been the happiest man in Rome, justified and recognised at last.
I should have been, but things are rarely as they should be, and never for long. I found much to perturb me, in both public and private affairs. When I visited the Senate, I was disgusted to see how the habit of servility had developed in my few years of absence. The assembly of free notables now fawned upon Augustus. Few dared to express an opinion on any matter of importance till they knew his. Complaints reached me, indirectly, in mutterings and whisperings, of how the descendants of great Republican houses were being squeezed from all positions of honour and influence to be replaced by members of the Princeps' family and by those referred to as his "creatures". As a member of his family I might have been satisfied to benefit myself, but I had had no need of Augustus to rise. My position as the head of the Claudian gens would have assured me of superiority at any time in Rome's history. I had therefore some sympathy with those who grumbled at the turn things had taken. "For the senator," they murmured, "no hope of glory remains, no hope of a monument to a fame he is no longer permitted to win. No roads or provincial cities may now bear the names of noble families." They complained that no senator might depart from Italy and visit a province without obtaining leave from the Princeps. "We experience a monopoly of power, a concentration of honour and opportunity," men said.
I was aware of these mutterings. Old friends saw to that. They were quick too to point to the honours being showered upon my stepsons Gaius and Lucius.
Gnaeus Calpurnius Piso had been nominated as my colleague in the consulship. He is a man of the utmost integrity and nobility of soul, whom I have long loved dearly. Soon after my return he invited me to supper.
"A serious meal," he said, "not like those dinners given by that old lecher Cestius Gallus – whom, by the way, Augustus has had removed from the Senate – you know the sort of dinners he gives, don't you, served by naked waitresses? They say there's one black girl from the south of Egypt, but never mind. That's not the sort of occasion to which I am inviting you. I want a chance to talk."
He dismissed the slaves when we had eaten and pushed the wine-flask towards me.
"My own wine," he said, "from the hills above Siena where I have a little estate. It is the best wine in Italy, you won't find anything finer." Everything of Piso's is always "the best". He plucked at the hairs which grew from a wart on his chin.
"So we are consuls. Very nice, if it meant anything. Of course you have held the office before, so you know how meaningless it has become."
"It carries respect still, and bestows authority on the man who attains it, at least subsequently."
"Precisely. So how would you feel if I told you it was about to be rigged even more shamefully than we have grown accustomed to its being done?" "What do you mean?"
"I mean that your stepson Gaius will receive the honour in five years' time – at the age of twenty. That should show you how the wind is blowing." "How do you know this?"
"It's sufficient that I do. Things like that can't be kept secret…"
I said, "I was twenty-nine, excused five years, when I was consul for the first time."
"Precisely, and the rest of us are ineligible till we are thirty-three. I'm speaking as a friend, Tiberius, and one whose family has a long association with yours. Our fathers fought side by side at Perugia and both followed Sextus Pompeius to Sicily. You are on the point of being edged out. That's what I have to tell you. And what are you going to do about it?" The question was, as he knew, unanswerable. I pondered it all the same as I walked home through the seething city. The night was hot and stuffy. I descended the Quirinale and crossed into the Suburra. Julius Caesar had had a house there, a ploy in his campaign to capture the hearts of the plebeians, for it has always been a popular quarter. It came to me, as I walked, that Rome was no longer a Roman, or even an Italian city. The babble of innumerable tongues assailed my ears. In the space of two hundred yards I heard more than one variety of Greek, the Celtic tongue of Gaul, the harsh language of the Illyrian Highlands, the smooth accents of Syria and Egypt, mellifluous and deceiving, and the incomprehensible murmuring Aramaic of the Jews. A group of them were standing outside a tavern rattling their money-tallies; a man emerged, approached them, conducted a transaction and returned within to resume his pleasure; the Jews gabbled among themselves. A little further on a pork butcher was howling his wares, urging them on the Jews who for some reason think it wrong to eat pig. Nobody understands the laws of their curious religion, with its many prohibitions and requirements but I smiled to think that the pork butcher knew very well that they would take his invitation as an insult. Every second house was a tavern or brothel: through the open window I saw a tawny girl dancing on a table. The sweat glistened on her gyrating thighs and her eyes were blank as if she had swallowed some potion which numbed her consciousness while exciting her animal allure. She paused in her dance, drew her knees together and caressed her thighs with long fingers; a moan of anticipatory and yet ever-to-be-denied pleasure escaped the watching crowd. Then a man wearing a boar's head and a huge false phallus made of leather dyed scarlet mounted the table beside her, threw her over the windowledge so that her long black hair floated round the faces of the panting spectators and began to work his phallus while the girl moaned and bit her lips till a trickle of blood emerged at the corner of her mouth. Meanwhile, standing at the back of the crowd, I observed a brace of pickpockets moving among them, relieving the poor enthralled fools of their purses. "There ought to be a law," a pinch-faced man by my shoulder muttered, "against this filth." "There is," I assured him, and moved on. There is indeed such a law, but it is not enforced. It cannot be enforced, for it is beyond the power of government to make people behave well. When respect for the gods has withered, when families are in disarray, licentiousness prevails; the secret impulses, which men subdue in a decent and well-ordered society, are openly acknowledged.
I paused at the next booth where a little play was being enacted on an open stage. A curly-headed boy reclined on a pile of cushions with a bowl of cherries by his side. He popped one in his mouth and rolled saucy eyes at his audience. Then he uncurled himself, rose to his feet and slipped off his tunic. He did it in the most natural fashion, like a boy preparing to take a bath. The absence of any sense of lasciviousness excited the crowd. He strutted round the stage, then, as if the idea had just occurred to him, began to stroke his cock. He held it out stiff for approval, and then, with supple grace, crouched down and began to suck it. The man beside me – a stout greasy fellow who might have been a pastry cook – hissed, "A proper little contortionist, that bumboy." Then a big strapping woman wearing a red wig bounded on to the stage, a whip in her hand. She swished it around the boy's legs, howling abuse. He skipped and danced and yelped, as if in pain, though it was clear that she manipulated the whip in such a manner that it did not touch him. Then he fell to his knees before her and embraced her thighs, pressing his face against them. She seized his curls with her left hand and pulled his head back. She slipped her right hand down the front of her skirt, grimaced as if she could not find what she was searching for, then, with a cry of triumph, produced a carrot which she thrust into the boy's open mouth. The crowd rocked with laughter. She held the boy there, forcing him to eat the carrot and then lick her fingers like a dog. She pulled him to his feet, and, grabbing his member, led him off the stage. She turned, winked to the audience, and the pair disappeared into the darkness. The crowd howled approval of the obscene buffoonery.
A hand plucked my sleeve. I turned to see a fat shining bald-pated fellow.
"You like boys?" he said. His voice was hoarse and he smelled of onions. "You want a boy? A nice Greek boy?"
He indicated a painted, ringleted wretch who fluttered his eyelashes at me, and wriggled his backside. The image of the young Segestes, brave, upright, clean-limbed, biting his lip to restrain tears when hurt, flashed across my mind. "Pretty, eh?" wheezed the pimp.
Bile filled my mouth. I thrust the wretch out of the way, and hurried from the noxious place. Yet I returned other nights, to gaze on the shows, to expose myself to a full understanding of the degradation that opened before my eyes, inviting me, in subtle and horrible fashion, to participate. I returned again and again, because I could not do otherwise, and because… because… Why do I torture myself with these memories? Why does my mind play upon temptations with fascinated disgust? Why do gross and terrible images invade my mind when I lie down to sleep, in the afternoon and at night? This morning I attended a debate in the school of philosophy here. Two sophists argued the question whether morality was natural to man. One of the Platonic school asserted that since we possessed ideas of truth and justice, absolute truth and absolute justice, though we had never encountered these absolutes in human behaviour, it followed that the idea of truth and justice was innate in us. His opponent, a Cynic, scoffed at this: morality, he said, was a device created by cowards to awe the strong. Ideas meant nothing, it was behaviour that counted, and the superior man disregarded concepts formed by cowards, and acted as he pleased. It was in this exercise of freedom that he proved his superiority. "Then your superior man may be very wicked," said the first sophist.
"Wickedness is a word you have invented," was the reply, "as you have invented truth and justice…"
At this point I felt moved to intervene. "It seems to me," I said, "that you two cannot agree because you are talking of absolutes, which we rarely meet. Yet Socrates himself asked his friends, as we are told in the Phaedo, whether they had never realised that 'Extreme instances are few and rare, while intermediate ones are many and plentiful', so that if there were to be a competition in wickedness, very few would distinguish themselves even there…"
"You have missed the point," cried the Cynic, and at that moment an impudent member of the audience leaped up and abused me for joining in the argument and seeming to support the Platonist.
"It's a fine thing," he cried, "when a Roman prince can't let an intellectual argument flourish without throwing his weight on one side."
I could have said that if he was, as I supposed, a supporter of the Cynic, he could hardly reprove me for my intervention, for I was merely putting his philosopher's principles into suitably unprincipled action. That would have won me a round of applause, and turned the situation off with a laugh. But I was furious at his impertinent presumption, and withdrew with such state as I could muster. I retired to my house, only to reappear with a group of lictors, whom I ordered to arrest the insolent wretch and carry him off to gaol.
My behaviour amazed, and, I think, alarmed the people. It took me by surprise itself, and I am not proud of it. Some nerve was touched I suppose. When I returned that first evening from the Suburra, Julia was absent. I found a note pinned to my pillow. It was unsigned, and read: WHAT DOES YOUR WIFE GET UP TO IN THE NIGHT? ARE YOU AFRAID TO ASK HER WHERE SHE HAS BEEN? I questioned the slaves. All denied any knowledge of the message. It is impossible of course to get the truth from slaves when they are frightened unless you threaten them with torture. I am afraid of doing that, lest I take pleasure in it. Besides, men will say anything under torture and you may be no nearer any truth except what they think you want to hear. Which is rarely the truth. I had tried to speak to Julia many times since my return. I didn't know how to. It was clear that any love she had felt for me had died with our little son. We made love twice. Then she denied me my bed, and it was not in my nature to compel her to fulfil her marital duties. "I'm bored," she said, "you disgust me, you smell of Germans." I remember I turned away because I felt myself blushing. "I would rather make love to a corpse," she said, "you stink of so many deaths." "What do you expect of a soldier?"
"War, brutality, delight in slaughter, greed for power, they all disgust me."
"Julia, you know, you must know, that I have never taken pleasure in slaughter, I have only tried to do my duty…"
"Oh what a bore you are, what a dismal bore," and there was no laughter in her voice, as there would formerly have been when she uttered that reproach, but she turned instead a gaze on me that was as beautiful and as petrifying as Medusa's. Livia advised me "to look to my wife".
"You made her that, Mother," I said. "The match was not of my devising. I was happily married before."
"That's not to the point," she said. "I don't know whether you are blind of intention, but doesn't your pride revolt at the thought that her infidelity is now flagrant, that she makes a public fool of you?" "I hear you, Mother."
"Do you know what they are saying? The joke is that Tiberius may be a match for Germans, but he's no match for Julia, and then they go on to say we could end the German war quicker if instead of sending old Tiberius to subdue them, we sent Julia to seduce them. What do you say to that?"
"Nothing, Mother, you and the Princeps made this marriage, not I. So you can mend it." "If you were a man you would whip her into good behaviour."
I almost answered: does Augustus whip you? But prudence prevailed. However, I smiled to remember the occasion when he was assuring the Senate that husbands ought to exact obedience from their wives and reproach them if they strayed, only to be interrupted by a senator who cried out "I'd like to see you make Livia toe the line…" I could choose to disregard Livia. When I received a warning from the Praetorian Prefect, I had to take heed. He was polite, circumspect, appalling. He told me my wife was not only unfaithful, but that her behaviour threatened public scandal. She took part in orgies which were not confined to the nobility.
"That would be a private matter, sir, or up to a point. But when all sorts of riff-raff are involved, well, you can see that it's a matter of public order. Of course she's generally masked, but, well, sir, a mask can slip, can't it? And she's not the sort of lady you forget, is she?" He laid his forefinger along his nose.
"You won't like me for telling you all this, sir, but if you want names and addresses, you shall have them. I ought to pass them on to the Princeps, that's my duty, but frankly, sir, I don't dare to perform it. And I haven't come to the worst of it. A word to the wise, as you might say: some of the nobles she consorts with are what we call in the business 'security risks'. They're the sort of boys who fail our system of 'positive vetting'. I don't know if the Princeps has acquainted you with that, sir?"
"No," I said, "you see I am only his stepson and son-in-law, this year's consul and a general who has been awarded a triumph. I haven't been trusted with information about your system of… what did you call it?" "Positive vetting, sir." "Positive vetting? A miserable neologism."
"That's as may be, sir. But a necessity, believe you me, the way things are. Well, it's my belief you should know about it, sir, and so I am going to take upon myself the responsibility of at least outlining the system to you."
He then explained that Augustus had become concerned by the possibility of appointing to positions of authority men whose allegiance to the "New Order" was less than it might be. Though he prided himself – rightly, I think – on his judgment of men, he was aware that that judgment was necessarily subjective, and frequently the result of imperfect acquaintance. He had thereby devised a system, after consultation with the Praetorian Prefect and the secret police, whereby every candidate for office was thoroughly investigated: his antecedents were checked, his friendships assessed, slaves were set to report dinner-party conversations, his financial affairs were examined, and his sexual habits and tastes ascertained.
"In this way, sir, a total picture is assembled. Like a mosaic, if I may speak fancifully. No little piece may yield significance on its own, but each one helps to make the total picture comprehensible and comprehensive, sir. It's a wonderful system and you would be amazed at what we come to know." "No doubt."
"Well, I'm sorry to say, sir, that many of the noblemen with whom the Lady Julia consorts are what we call Category C. Some are even Category D, which means that they are fortunate to be allowed to reside in Rome, sir, and not confined to their country estates, or sent into exile. We get all manner of reports, you understand, from our professional delators – 'sewers' we call them in the firm, for it's their business to draw off all the filth of the city for our inspection – and, believe you me, when I read some of the reports the sewers send in about gentlemen such as Iullus Antonius and Crispinus and young Sempronius Gracchus, well, sir, the hairs on the back of my head stand on end and my blood runs cold. And these are the sort of types your lady wife runs about with, and worse than runs, I'm afraid. Well, sir, if I brought it to the attention of the Princeps, I don't dare to think what mightn't result. That's why I've been so bold as to approach you in the first instance, as you might say. I'll leave you this little list, sir, of her noble lovers. There are others of course who are not noble, and therefore of no political importance." I could not credit all the names. I had, of course, known the men all my life, some very well, others only by sight and reputation. There was my cousin Appius Claudius Pulcher; it seemed unlikely that he was one of her lovers for I believed him to like only virgins, the younger the better; and Publius Cornelius Scipio seemed also an improbable choice of lover, for his effeminacy was blatant – he had been a dear friend of Maecenas, and was widely despised as a pathic, a degenerate with a taste for mature men. (To such depths had the great house of Scipio sunk.) But the others were only too credible: Antonius had declared his interest to me in unmistakable terms of course, and, since my return from Germany, had bestowed upon me a smile of radiant superiority while remarking: "To some, my dear Tiberius, Mars awards triumphs, to others Venus." And Gracchus, a liar from childhood, a cynic, a debauchee, a man perpetually disgruntled and at odds with the world. And Crispinus, one who, it now occurs to me, would certainly at any time in history have distinguished himself in that competition in wickedness which Socrates had imagined; a man who was believed to have compelled his wife to have intercourse with slaves that he might enjoy the spectacle, and to have starved his own son to death when he protested – the thought of Julia abandoning herself to such creatures as she no longer abandoned herself to me, of their making free of the delights now denied me, that thought, even now, two years later, makes me retch. It persuades me to despair of human nature.
I sent the Prefect on his way, understanding more than ever why the Persians used to slay the bearer of bad news. It would have given me satisfaction to have silenced him forever with a dagger thrust into his mouth; to have cut off that tongue that took such pleasure in relaying this filth.
He had left me with the list. And there was nothing I could do. This Rome to which I had returned contained horrors that made the German forests seem benign as the water-meadows by Clitumnus. I could not speak to Julia; I could not even look at her without seeing the corruption of her beauty. But I smelled danger: these men, her lovers, were hungry, bitter, dissatisfied. Julius Caesar, I recalled, had feared Caius Cassius on account of his lean and hungry look. Such men, he had remarked, are dangerous. So I had to warn her, and since I could not bring myself to speak of the matter, I wrote her a letter. Julia,
I don't know what has gone wrong between us since the death of our beloved son. What I see and hear of your behaviour leads me to believe that his death has disgusted you of everything, and led you to despair of the possibility that there is, or ever can be, any right ordering of things. It grieves me that you seem to include me among your objects of repugnance.
Our marriage was not of our seeking. It was imposed upon us without consideration of our feelings. I know you would have preferred to marry another, and I sympathise with your sentiments in that direction.
Nevertheless the marriage was made. I endeavoured from the start to fulfil my obligations as a husband and, in doing so, I was rewarded by the awakening of love for you and the renewal of that physical passion I had felt for you when we were young. I believed that with the birth of little Tiberius, you were, to my great joy, able to reciprocate my feelings.
Time, the exigencies of duty, circumstance and cruel fate have torn us apart, even as little Tiberius was torn from our tender embraces. Such was the harsh will of the gods to which we are compelled to submit. Believe me, I understand your unwillingness to accept the cogency of Fate. I am even able to admire your rebellious will, and to sympathise with what I see to be your unhappiness.
I am prepared to accept your rejection of me as being the expression of impulses which have invaded you and which you cannot control. Your rejection tastes sour as vinegar in my mouth. Nevertheless I accommodate myself to the strength of your repugnance, and only pray that it may abate in time and that affection may grow again from this wintry soil.
But I must say one thing to you which is harsh. I have my pride and I cannot endure dishonour. I am not a Claudian for nothing. If you cannot love me, I accept that, but I must ask you to conduct yourself in a seemly fashion such as becomes a wife of the head of the Claudian gens. You owe that duty to me, just as you owe a duty to your father not to bring his moral legislation into disrepute.
And one other thing: you can only hope for happiness if you attain self-respect. I believe you are in danger of losing this. You may even have lost it already. You cannot be at ease till you recover it. There is danger of more than one sort in the course you are pursuing. Believe me, Julia, I have your interests at heart. She responded to my attempt at conciliation and my warning with only a brief note. You always were a prig, now you are stupid as well. You were always cold and self-regarding. Consider the brutality of your own conduct. I have been denied everything all my life, forced to live in accordance with the will of others. I've had enough of it. I'm living for myself now. I prefer it that way. You're a fool to think I am unhappy. And don't threaten me again. I have my own weapons. When I got this letter, I found in it something that compelled my pity, and softened my heart. I read misery between the lines. I hastened to her private apartments. The slave-girl who was tidying the room told me she had left that morning for a villa at Baiae, given her by her father as a wedding-present when she married Marcellus. "Did she leave a message for me?" The girl blushed and stammered. "Yes, my lord, but I don't dare to repeat it…" "I see. Nothing written?" "No, my lord.