“You give good search, Neal,” Joe Graham said one Saturday morning during one of their weekly training sessions.
“Thanks.”
“You read a room really very well.” This was true. Neal had just finished searching Graham’s apartment for an M amp;M, a brown one, the regular kind, not the peanut. He had found it in less than ten minutes, taped in the water tank of the toilet.
“But,” Graham said as Neal winced, “Helen Keller could come in here, know the place was tossed.”
“Isn’t she dead?”
“Doesn’t matter. She could still tell.” This week, Neal actually had a Saturday-night date, a real date, with Carol Metzger, so he was in a particular hurry. Nevertheless, he was annoyed that Graham was never happy. What did he want?
“Go search my top drawer.”
That’s what he wanted.
Neal went to the drawer and visually divided it into cubes. He lifted up the plastic tray full of change, saw nothing very interesting, and was about to set it down when Graham told him to freeze.
“Look at the way you picked it up,” Graham said. He waited for an answer.
Neal didn’t have one. He had just picked the damn thing up, that’s all. He shrugged.
Graham continued, “You picked it up diagonally, at an angle.”
“I should be shot.” What the hell difference did it make?
“You have to lift this straight up. Straight. Why?”
“Oh yeah, so you can set it down in exactly the same place.”
“You’re not as stupid as you look. Of course, that would be impossible. Now practice.”
“Practice?”
“It’s not as easy as it seems, lifting things straight up, setting them down. I’m going to practice on a cold bottle of Knickerbocker.”
So Neal spent an hour and a half lifting things up and setting them down, and it wasn’t as easy as it seemed. He found the best technique was to stand at a little less than arm’s reach, with his elbow slightly bent and wrist cocked downward.
“What about fingerprints?” he asked Graham. Have you ever thought of that, wise guy?
“Yeah, well, if you’re tossing an FBI agent, you might want to bring gloves along, but if you do it right, your average homeowner isn’t gonna know you’ve been there, never mind think about fingerprints.”
The next thing they worked on were window treatments. “That’s what interior decorators call curtains and Venetian blinds and that stuff,” Graham said.
“What do you know about interior decorators?”
“There’s one lives in this building whose interior I’d like to decorate.”
“God.”
“So look behind the curtain there.”
“I looked already.”
“Yeah, you looked bad, now I want you to look good.”
Neal reached for the curtain.
“Stop.”
“I haven’t even touched it!”
“You were about to pull it back. Don’t pull it back, pull it out, and no smart remarks.”
Neal pulled the curtain out.
“Now let go of it.”
Neal did.
“And?” Graham asked.
“And it fell back in the same place.”
“Doesn’t matter so much if it’s a guy’s place, but women notice these things. Woman comes home and there’s a corpse lying on the floor; she calls the cops and says, There’s a body lying in a pool of blood over by the curtain, which is out of place.’ Now raise the blinds.”
“You’re going to stop me before I touch the cord, aren’t you?”
“Yes. First lick your finger.”
“Then do I spin around three times and say, There’s no place like home’?”
Graham made a lewd gesture. “Spin on this,” he said. “But first lick your finger, then-”
“Which-”
“Any finger. Just do it. Now… using the spittle-”
“Spittle?”
“Mark the windowsill and match it up with the bottom edge of one of the thingies on the blinds.”
Neal did, raised the blinds, and then lowered them to the exact spot.
“And you thought your Uncle Joey was crazy.”
“Same thing with windows up and down, right?”
“Bright boy.”
Neal went to the fridge and grabbed a Coke. “So probably the next thing you’re going to show me is how to do closet doors, medicine cabinets, that sort of thing?”
“I’m looking at you with new respect, Neal. Now usually this is the stuff that only professionals, women, and advanced paranoids notice, but there’s no harm in being careful, right?”
“I like careful.”
So they went to work on the closet door in Graham’s bedroom. First came a lecture from Graham, which Neal didn’t mind, as it gave him a chance to sit down and finish his Coke. Graham told him that if the closet was shut, it was no issue. But sometimes suspicious people will leave a closet door ajar deliberately, and then you had to be careful to leave it exactly the same way. There were two good ways to accomplish this.
“You can mark the opening along the side of your shoe, or you can do what the subject probably did, which is to line the edge of the door up with something else in the room, usually something on the wall, and usually something very obvious.
“Hinged doors like this one are trickier than sliding doors. Why?”
“Because you have to check both the inside and outside edges of the door against possible marks on the wall, and also because it’s harder to match the exact perspective that the subject used to make the mark.”
“You’re sharp today. This is why I prefer to make measurement from the doorsill to the door, because there’s no perspective to worry about. If it’s two inches, it’s two inches, as you know from bitter personal experience.”
“You have to be careful about closed doors, too, don’t you? Don’t people sometimes leave tape or hair or something stretched across the door?”
“They do in books and movies a lot, yeah. And sometimes in real life, but yes, son, you’re right. It doesn’t hurt to check.”
“You said that already.”
“I’ll say it about fifty thousand times.”
They practiced being careful for a couple of hours, leaving marks on doorsills, medicine cabinets, windows, bedspreads, pillows, even flower arrangements. It was exacting work that demanded precision. Neal was bushed when they finished.
“So,” Graham asked, “who’s your date with, tonight?”
“Nice try.”
“You should tell your old Dad these things.”
“You’ll never know.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’d never shut up about it. You’d want to know everything.”
“Is she one of those rich Trinity babes?”
“I dunno.”
“You ‘dunno’? Have you met this girl?”
“I don’t know if she’s rich.”
She was. or her parents were, anyway. Their apartment occupied half a floor on Central Park West.
Neal was nervous. This was the first time he had gone to Carol’s home, the first time he was to meet her parents. She’d been after him to do it for weeks.
“You have to meet them,” she’d said, “if we’re going to go on a real date. You know, at night. Or they won’t let me.”
Going to her home, meeting her parents, Saturday-night date: It was fraught with peril on several levels. It elevated their relationship from the safe status of friends just hanging out on weekend afternoons to boyfriend and girlfriend, and the news would be out all over school before classes started Monday morning. Neal wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Scary stuff on the one hand, but on the other it was great. Then there was the parent thing. Neal didn’t have a lot of experience with parents, his own or anybody else’s. He knew from Leave It to
Beaver that parents tended to ask a bunch of questions, the answers to which would probably propel them to throw him out and lock Carol in her room-with armed guards.
“Carol‘s not quite ready yet,” her father would say, lighting his pipe as he looked Neal over from head to toe. “Have a seat, young man. Take that chair there, the electric one.”
Her mother would hover about nervously, smiling tightly while she contemplated changing the locks on all the doors.
“What does your father do?” Carol’s father would ask, raising thick eyebrows.
“He’s in travel, sir.”
“And does your mother work?” Mrs. Metzger would ask.
“Uh… yes, ma‘am.”
“What does she do?”
“Public relations… sales…”
“We’d like to meet your parents sometime,” Mr. Metzger would say.
“So would I, sir.”
This was going to be a disaster.
“What floor?”
“Huh?”
“What floor do you want?” the doorman asked.
“The Metzgers’?”
“That’s the penthouse.”
“Swell.”
“Are they expecting you?” the doorman asked.
“I’m afraid so.”
The doorman gave him an ugly look and pointed to the elevator. The operator settled for a smirk as he took him up. Neal took a deep breath in the foyer and rang the bell. Here we go.
Carol opened the door right away.
“Hi!” she said. She looked flushed, nervous, and glad to see him. “Meet my parents.”
Her parents were on their hands and knees on the floor.
Mrs. Metzger looked up at him. Neal saw where Carol got her looks. Mrs. M. was wearing a sequined black evening gown and a lot of jewelry. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Neal, but don’t come in any farther, please.”
Mr. Metzger, clad in a dinner jacket, said, “Likewise, Neal.”
“Aren’t you all supposed to be facing East?” Neal asked.
Oh God, why do I say these things?
“Mrs. Metzger’s contact lens,” Carol’s father said.
“And we’re already late,” Mrs. Metzger said.
Carol looked at him and shrugged.
“I can find it,” Neal said.
“How’s that?” Mr. Metzger asked, his hand gently sweeping the thick gray carpet.
“I can find it. If you’ll all stay still.”
Carol looked at him strangely.
Less than two minutes later, Neal held the lens gently on his index finger. He had found it on Mr. Metzger’s pant cuff.
“Neal,” said Mrs. M., “thank you! How did you do that?”
“Practice.”
Carol’s mother looked at her and said, “I like this one.”
“Hope to see you again, Neal. We have to go, Joan.”
“My parents like you,” Carol said much later as they were walking back from a Chinese dinner after the movie. “They have good taste, my parents.”
The elevator ride lasted about eighty thousand years. Her parents weren’t home yet, and Carol and Neal sat down on the sofa next to each other. Her kisses were delicious and kisses were enough, more than enough, for this night. They were sitting at a proper distance when her parents discreetly rattled their keys at the door.