The small entrance building of Rievaulx Abbey sold tickets and souvenirs as well as serving as a sort of mini-museum. A glass-covered scale model of the complete abbey invited scrutiny. The walls were covered with drawings and photographs detailing the abbey’s history, but Hannah passed them by with only a glance. She’d done her homework last night, after Patrick mentioned he intended coming here.
Then it had simply seemed an opportunity to talk with him alone, skirting the dangerous edge of revelation. She’d meant to wait until their relationship had progressed a bit from its first spontaneous warmth-she’d meant to build trust and confidence between them, lead into it gently, ask him, perhaps, how he felt about his real mother.
Now her mind shied away from all her rehearsed scenarios, unable to fasten on anything coherent. But tell him she must. Somehow hearing Kincaid’s suspicions had forced her hand, made it impossible for her to continue the relationship under false pretenses. How could she expect Patrick to be honest with her if she hadn’t been honest with him? And she must hear his own account, judge for herself the truth of it. Could her son be capable of murder? She couldn’t bear not knowing.
Hannah pushed through the building’s rear exit and stepped onto the grass. Her first glimpse across the long, green lawns quite literally took her breath away. She felt the sharp prickle of tears against her eyelids, blinked them back.
Before her Rievaulx Abbey lay cupped in a natural hollow at the foot of Rievaulx moor, held like a jewel between brilliant green grass in the foreground and the red-golds of the trees covering the slope of the moor. The morning’s sun had given way to a soft, low overcast, and the moisture in the air seemed to saturate the colors with an elemental vividness.
She crossed the lawn slowly, her eyes on the soaring arches of the choir. Six hundred monks had lived here, eating, sleeping, praying, tending their sheep and their gardens. She could almost hear them singing as they worked, such was the timeless, dream-like quality of the place. She knew for a fleeting instant how close they must have felt to their god, and a shaft of envy stabbed through her.
Patrick sat on a ruined sill with his back against one of the choir arches, his hair bright against the weathered stone. The nubby, brown wool of his Shetland sweater might almost have been the rough brown cloth of a monk’s habit, but the smoke that curled from the cigarette he held between his fingers ruined the image. She’d never seen him smoke.
He showed no surprise at her presence, speaking only after she had stood there a moment, watching him. “I thought you might turn up. Magnificent, isn’t it?” He indicated the choir around them with a tilt of his head. He dropped the cigarette and ground the butt with his toe. At her look he said, “I don’t around Marta. I suppose I’d lose the advantage of my righteous superiority. Politicians,” he smiled, his voice lightly self-mocking in a way she hadn’t heard before, “never let go an advantage.”
“Is that why you wanted to make sure no one found out about Cassie?” Hannah said, surprised to find her own voice steady. She hadn’t meant to start that way, hadn’t meant to accuse him outright, but the words tumbled from her mouth of their own accord. “What were you willing to do, Patrick, to make sure Marta didn’t find out? To make sure you didn’t lose Marta’s parents’ support and your election with it?” Hannah found her breath coming in little gasps and she began to shiver as if with a chill.
Patrick’s brows lifted in surprise. He started to speak, then took a few steps toward the choir’s center and stood with his back to her, hands in his pockets. After a moment he said, evenly, “I realize we’re all suspect. Any fool would. But somehow I didn’t expect an attack from you. How,” he continued without turning, “did you come up with this… this fantasy?”
“Duncan Kincaid thinks Sebastian found out about you and Cassie and threatened to expose you-whether for money or just because he hated Cassie, I don’t know.”
He turned to face her now, still in that deliberately casual manner. “It won’t wash, Hannah. Do you seriously think that Marta would leave me over a little bit of marital infidelity? That she’d go running back to her parents and her set in Sussex with her tail between her legs and admit she couldn’t keep me? Or that her parents would publicly admit their daughter’s humiliation? Not bloody likely. It’s not only my ambition we’re dealing with here, it’s theirs as well and they’ll not willingly let it go. Even confronted with irrefutable evidence they’d all turn a blind eye because that’s what suits them. Oh, Marta would make catty little jabs at me and up her gin consumption, but that’s as far as it would go.”
“But what-”
“You think I’m callous, don’t you?” Patrick’s tone was surprisingly bitter. “You think that I chose Marta and her parents because of what they could do for me?” He stared at her challengingly for a long moment, but she didn’t speak. “Well, they chose me, Hannah. I was the perfect vehicle to fulfill their social aspirations, the pet to be coddled and groomed like a prize cat, the charming son-in-law always willing to be sacrificed to garrulous old ladies. I’d say I’ve kept up my end of the bargain fairly well.” The self-mockery touched his smile again.
It all sounded so smoothly, seductively plausible, thought Hannah. How could she not believe him as he stood before her, his shoulders hunched in an oddly vulnerable posture, the wind ruffling the straight, fair hair across his forehead?
“But Patrick,” Hannah struggled to find the words to go on, “what did happen that night, the night Sebastian died? Duncan thinks Penny saw you.”
Patrick came back to the choir arch and leaned against it, fishing a battered pack of Marlboros from his trouser pocket. He cupped the match against the wind and drew on the cigarette before he spoke. “I did go out that night. I told Marta I was going to the car for a book-whether she believed me or not I don’t know. She was more sober than usual. We’d just arrived that morning and Cassie had been avoiding me all day, until I’d begun to think she didn’t want to see me.” He watched the wind fan the glowing end of the cigarette as he spoke and didn’t raise his eyes to Hannah’s. “I went to Cassie’s cottage and knocked but she didn’t answer. I’d left a notebook in my car so I tore a page from it and scribbled a note for Cassie’s door.”
“And then you went straight back to the suite?” Hannah tried to keep her voice level, tried not to betray how desperately she hoped it were true.
“Not exactly.” Patrick dropped the match into the grass, still not meeting Hannah’s eyes. “I thought she might be working late, an excuse to wait for me in her office. Stupid of me, I suppose. The office was dark, empty, as was the sitting room, but when I’d come back through the sitting room and started through the reception area I heard a sound behind me.”
He seemed caught up now in his own tale, speaking more to himself than to Hannah, remembering detail by detail. “Someone’s sharp intake of breath, almost a gasp. I turned, and after the second it took my eyes to adjust I made out a form standing by the sofa. Enough light came through the sitting-room windows that I thought I recognized Penny. I started to speak, but there was something about the way she stood there, not moving, not speaking. Furtive, almost frightened. Well, it occurred to me that I didn’t really want to explain my movements either, so I just turned and left.” He raised his eyes to hers for the first time. “I should have spoken up in the beginning. I didn’t want to have to explain myself. Oh, I could have made some excuse, but excuses always sound like what they are. Then Penny didn’t speak either and it got more and more awkward. It would almost have been funny, if the outcome hadn’t been so tragic.”
The roar of a lawnmower shattered the deep peace of the precinct. Hannah, startled, thought she’d never heard a more incongruous sound. Patrick sighed and rubbed his hand across his face. “I have no proof of anything, Hannah. No proof that I did nothing else that night but go to bed. But no one else has any proof that I did.” He waited, looking at her now, expecting some response.
“What would you have done if things had gone the way Duncan said? If Sebastian had told Marta, and she had left you and taken her parents’ money with her?” She spoke without heat, curiously.
“If I don’t win this by-election, I’ll win the next one, or the one after that, and I don’t need their help to do it. I could be P.M. someday, Hannah, if I grab the right coat tails, and Marta is becoming more of a liability than an asset.”
“Why,” Hannah asked in the same flat voice, “after you married one woman who wanted to use you, would you pick another with the same thing in mind?”
He shrugged. “Bad judgment, I guess. I’d begun to see that, of course, but she’s still very… attractive. I may know my strengths as a politician, but that doesn’t make me infallible. Besides, I never meant to marry Cassie.” His mouth quirked in that small, ironic smile and he straightened up, moving a step closer to her. “Now, let me ask something of you, Hannah. What gives you the right to accuse me? Or rather,” he smiled again, “I should ask myself why I feel obligated to offer you a defense. Something… compels me to be honest with you. I don’t understand it.”
Hannah turned from him. She stood on the brink, the choice before her. To speak now required more courage than anything she had ever done in her life. He had placed the perfect opening in her hands, yet she stood mute, her mind frozen. She forced herself to breathe. After a long moment the halting words came, but they bore no resemblance to the ones she’d prepared.
“You should have seen me at sixteen, Patrick. Too tall, too bony, all arms and legs and awkward angles. No boy ever showed the least interest in me until I went home with a school friend for the long vac, and her older brother took pity on me. He must have been all of nineteen, and terribly sophisticated in my eyes. I was curious, and flattered, and he was very inept-but I didn’t know that at the time, just that it was all rather disappointing.” She half turned and risked a glance at his puzzled face before continuing.
“Of course, the consequences of such… such stupidity and naiveté were inevitable. You can’t imagine what it was like to have to tell my parents I was pregnant. My parents… didn’t make allowances for mistakes. I had already been accepted at university for the next year. To them it was unthinkable that I should keep the baby. And I… I didn’t have the courage to withstand them. I could have managed-left school, found a job. I could have done something.” Hannah’s voice had risen. She found herself trembling again and clasped her arms tightly across her chest. After a moment she spoke again, more calmly. “It was all very discreetly arranged. I went to stay with an aunt. When the baby came my parents took him away, saying they had found a suitable home.”
She turned now to face him, dropping her arms to her sides as if baring herself. “It wasn’t until last March, when my father died and I had access to his personal files, that I found out what they had actually done. My father-he was a solicitor, did I say?-had among his clients a Major and Mrs. Rennie, desperate for a child of their own. Of course my father never told them it was his own grandchild he offered them. All neat. All so very tidy.” Hannah strangled a sudden hysterical desire to laugh. “Do you know the worst thing of all? My father kept up with you all those years, and I never knew it. Your parents sent him school reports, photos of Patrick’s first cricket match, Patrick’s first pony-and I never saw them. To him you were a real person, but I… I never had that privilege.” The words ran down, finally. She had no justification left to offer. For the first time since Hannah had begun she looked at him directly. Not until she saw the white stillness of his face did she realize just how unruffled he’d been when she had more or less accused him of murder.
Silence rang in Hannah’s ears. She wondered when the lawnmower had stopped.
Patrick swallowed. “What… I don’t believe it. You? My mother?” His voice rose incredulously, for once out of control. “You can’t be. You’re too young-”
“I’m not, Patrick. I was practically a child.”
He shook his head. “You can’t-”
“Why would I lie to you? What possible reason could I have for telling you if it weren’t true?”
He subsided for a moment. “But I knew him. Your father. He took Dad and me to lunch at his club sometimes when my father had business in London. I never connected the name. I never dreamed-”
“That he was your grandfather? No, he made sure you wouldn’t.” This final betrayal of her father’s made her feel sick. She closed her eyes. The picture was quite clear in her mind. Her father, genial over cigars and brandy with the faceless Major Rennie, saying, “Don’t tell the boy I arranged his adoption. It might make him feel uncomfortable.” When she opened her eyes Patrick was staring at her in consternation.
“Why now, Hannah? You could have tackled your father long ago. You were an adult with an adult’s rights. And why like this?” He sounded bewildered. “How did you find me? I mean here at Followdale House?”
“I hired a private detective.” She flinched at his look of distaste.
“My god, I don’t believe it. You had me followed? Spied on me-”
“I only had your parents’ address. I couldn’t just go to them and say I wanted to see you. And I wanted some time to know you on neutral ground, no judgements, no biases. I wasn’t even sure I’d tell you.”
“How nice and safe for you. Your choice, once again. What would you have done if I’d been unattractive? Or stupid? Walk away and pretend it never happened, just like you did nearly thirty years ago?” Patrick’s expression was bleak, free of that overlying gloss of charm, and for the first time Hannah saw echoes of her own features. “Why did you decide to tell me, Hannah?”
“I found I had to, in the end. I couldn’t live with not telling you.”
“For the sake of your peace of mind, or mine?”
Hannah had no answer. She stood miserably before him, waiting for what would come next.
“What did you expect from me? Did you think you could just walk into my life after all these years and be welcomed with open arms?”
“Patrick, please-”
“It won’t work, Hannah. There’s nothing to build on. My parents have been parents to me, for Christ’s sake. What have you ever given me, besides an uncelebrated entry into the world? Should I be glad you didn’t abort me? I suppose you could have, even in those days.” He gave a mirthless snort.
The words that had flooded from her had drained her utterly, leaving her without the strength to speak. How could she Cell this suddenly harsh man how she had loved him all those months she’d carried him? How she had grieved when they had taken him from her? And how could she explain what had happened to her afterwards? It seemed ridiculous, absurd to even think of it. She drew in breath with an effort. “Patrick, I…” The tears she had managed to fight off until now tightened her throat. “You don’t understand. I can’t make you understand.”
“No.”
The silence lengthened until Hannah thought she must speak, must find some pebble to throw into this chasm that had opened between them. “I wanted…”
“You wanted,” Patrick said, his tone more gentle now, “the impossible. How disappointing for you,” he added ironically, “to find your long-lost son and think him capable of murder.”
“No, Patrick, that’s not true, I never thought that.” Hannah’s voice rose in agitation. “I was afraid for you, afraid things might be difficult for you. I didn’t want you-
“To spoil your image of the perfect son? Kept sleeping all these years like the fairy prince, to wake at Mother’s kiss?”
Her tears spilled now, unheeded. “No, Patrick, please, that’s unfair.”
“I suppose it is,” he said after a moment, “but so were your expectations. You should, as they say,” his smile held no humor, “have left well enough alone.” Patrick studied her, seemed to come to some decision. “I’m sorry, Hannah.”
Hannah watched him lay his hand to the ruined sill, vault over it and walk away from her across the grass.
She sat on the toilet lid, a wet cloth pressed to her face. The tears had finally stopped and she felt drained, with that curious light-headedness that sometimes follows prolonged weeping. It had been years since she had cried like that, the sobs welling up from some place inside her she hadn’t been aware existed. Now she felt oddly peaceful, almost purged.
Patrick had been right, of course. What had she expected? Acceptance? Even love? It had been a fantasy, fed on need. She had created an image of the perfect son to fill some undefined void within herself.
Hannah sighed and dipped the cloth into the basin of cold water. Well, it was finished now. She had done what she set out to do-there was no point in lingering to humiliate herself even further. If the police would let her go, that is. She bathed her face once more with the cloth and then patted it gently with a towel, afraid to look in the mirror. It would be hours before the swelling subsided and she had better tackle Inspector Nash now. Otherwise she might lose her resolve altogether.
Hannah tried Kincaid’s suite first, hoping for moral support, but as she brushed her knuckles against the door, she found she couldn’t face him and turned away. Better to see Nash alone.
The hall was empty, the house silent, and Hannah realized she had no idea of the time. Lunch? Early afternoon? Teatime? The divisions had become meaningless to her. She stood a moment at the top of the stairs, rehearsing what she would say to Nash. Her mentor ill? A rush to return to Oxford, some urgent project at work?
Guilt flooded through her. How could she have forgotten Miles’ illness, these last few days. Not even a phone call to the clinic to check up on him, and after all he had done for her. It was high time she pulled herself together.
She heard no sound. Only the breath of air told her the door had opened behind her. Before she could turn, or speak, she felt a hard shove in the middle of her back.
As the stairs rushed up to meet her, her mind fastened on one small, inconsequential thing-the hand at her back had felt warm.