99 pushed the vine aside and peered into the dimness. “Max, it is the castle,” she said. “See the towers? And, look, there’s a light in a window. This is it, Max! This is the castle we’ve been looking for!”
“All right, 99, I’ll take your word for it. You know more about white elephants than I do. If you say they have towers and lights in the window, then- 99! Down!”
They sank into the underbrush. A moment later, a man in uniform marched past their hiding place. He was staring straight ahead, a vacant expression on his face.
“Max, did you see that?” 99 said, puzzled, raising up. “What a strange look.”
“It was almost no look at all,” Max said.
“He seemed to be under some kind of spell.”
“Maybe he just came from a movie,” Max suggested. “I sometimes look like that myself right after I step out of a dark movie theater into the light.”
“Max, it’s dark out here.”
“It was only a theory, 99. Not every theory- 99! Down!”
Again, they ducked down into the thickets. Another man in uniform strode past. This one had the same empty look on his face.
“Max-”
“Shhhh, 99.”
They moved back into the jungle where they could talk without being overheard.
“Max, those are guards,” 99 said. “They seem to be patrolling the grounds. How will we ever get into the castle?”
“I don’t think that’s going to be any problem at all, 99. Remember what you said about them looking as if they’re under a spell?”
“Yes?”
“Well, 99, this may come as a surprise to you, but I think those guards are under a spell. I think Guru Optimo has hypnotized them. Unless I miss my guess, we could march a brass band up to that castle and the guards would pay absolutely no attention to it.”
“But, Max, what good are they, then?”
“They’re for show, 99. Who would guess that they’re hypnotized? Only someone like myself with a very keen instinct for what is right and wrong. The instant you mentioned that those guards looked like they were under a spell, I said to myself, ‘Max-those guards are under a spell!’ But not many would notice that. And they’d stay away from the castle, thinking it was heavily guarded.”
“Max. . I don’t know. .”
“Believe me, 99. I can sense these things. All we have to do is wait for one guard to pass, then walk right up to the castle before the next guard arrives.”
“Then why aren’t we doing it, Max? Why are we still hiding?”
“Because we can’t just walk into that castle anywhere. We have to pick exactly the right doorway.”
“The doorway that will take us straight to Guru Optimo and Lucky Bucky Buckley, you mean? How can-”
“No, 99, the doorway that will take us straight to the kitchen. I’m starved.”
They crept back to the edge of the clearing. As they crouched in the underbrush again, a guard passed. Max looked at his watch. Then another guard passed.
“Three minutes between guards,” Max reported. “That will give us plenty of time.”
Another guard passed.
Max looked at his watch once more, then, a few seconds later, he said, “Now!”
They scrambled from the thickets and started quietly across the grounds toward the castle.
“Halt!” a voice shouted.
“99, was that you?” Max asked.
“No, Max.”
“And it wasn’t me,” he said. “So apparently-”
At that instant they were smothered under a pile-up of guards.
“Do you still think you could march a brass band up to the castle, Max?” 99 asked.
“99, if you were any kind of a pal, you’d pretend that I’d planned this this way and you’d be congratulating me.”
One by one, the guards peeled themselves from the pile. Then two of the guards pulled Max and 99 to their feet.
The head guard, his expression as vacant as ever, addressed them in a mechanical-sounding voice. “I-am-a-guard. You-are-intruders. See-the-guards-capture-the-intruders.”
“Yes, well, that’s very interesting,” Max said. “But-”
“The-guards-have-guns,” the head guard continued. “Do-the-intruders-have-guns?”
One of the other guards frisked Max, then took his pistol from him. Another guard took 99’s gun from her purse.
“The-intruders-do-not-have-guns,” the head guard said. “Oh-oh-what-will-they-do? Will-they-march-to-the-castle-as-the-guards-tell-them-to? Or-will-they-try-to-escape-and-get-clobbered?”
“Ah. . I think we’ll march to the castle,” Max replied.
“See-the-intruders-march-to-the-castle,” the guard said. “One-of-the-intruders-is-pigeon-toed.”
Max and 99, with the guards tramping behind them, reached the castle and entered. It had high, ornamented ceilings. The stone walls were hung with battle gear, swords and shields and lances, and portraits of noblemen in medieval dress.
“Isn’t it magnificent, Max!” 99 said breathlessly.
“Isn’t what magnificent, 99?”
“The castle.”
“Oh. I hadn’t noticed. I was watching how you walk. That guard is wrong, 99-you’re not pigeon-toed.”
“I don’t think he was referring to me, Max.”
“See-the-intruders-march-straight-ahead-to-the-great-hall,” the head guard said. “See-the-pigeon-toed-intruder-turn-red-in-the-face.”
“Yes, and see the head guard get a fistful of knuckles right in the mush if he doesn’t knock off the cracks!” Max snapped.
They reached a pair of huge, hand-carved double doors and one of the guards pushed them open. A large chamber was revealed. Gigantic crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling. Here, too, on the walls, were medieval weapons. And in the center of the hall was a long dining table. Seated at the table were a short, fat man, wearing a checkered suit, a pink-and-white striped shirt, and brown-and-white shoes, and a younger man, who was tall and thin and who was dressed in a loin cloth and a turban.
The guards marched Max and 99 to the table.
“See-the-intruders,” the head guard announced. “The-guards-have-captured-the-intruders. The-guards-are-good-guards.”
The young man in the loin cloth made a gesture and the guards backed away.
The older man looked at Max and 99 curiously, then broke into a smile. “Hiya, boobies!” he said. “What’s the deal?”
“We refuse to answer,” Max replied. “All we have to tell you is our name and our number. I’m Max Smart and my number is 86. That’s all you’ll get from me.” He leaned forward, peering at the meat on the platter in the center of the table. “Is that roast beef cooked in a vinegar wine, by any chance?”
“Ain’t you gonna introduce me to the skirt?” the fat man asked.
“The skirt?”
“He means me, Max,” 99 explained. She addressed the fat man. “I’m 99 and my number is 99,” she said. “That’s all you’ll get from me too.”
“Gladdaknowya,” he replied. “Me, I’m Lucky Bucky Buckley.”
“Aren’t you going to introduce us to the loin cloth?” Max said.
“Oh. . yeah. This squirrel over here in the hip hanky and bath towel is Guru Optimo. He’s my act. I’m his agent. Now, to repeat the previous question-what’s the deal? What’re you two boobies doin’ on the island? This is private property, which I rented for the duration.”
“Is that asparagus in that dish?” Max pointed.
“I ain’t fingerin’ no vegetable ’til I get some answers,” Lucky Bucky replied. “But, after I get some answers, who’s to say maybe I wouldn’t invite a couple wayfarin’ strangers to sup and dine with me?”
Max’s eyes narrowed. “Are you trying to tempt me with a stalk of asparagus? If you are, you’re wasting your time. You could offer me a full meal and I still wouldn’t tell you that we’re secret agents, working out of Control.”
“Max!” 99 said admonishingly. “You told him!”
“Oh.”
“It ain’t no surprise to me,” Lucky Bucky said. “I been expectin’ somebody from your outfit. Guru Baby told me about you guys. He told me about them other guys, that KAOS outfit, too. That’s how come I posted the guards.”
“Well, since you wormed the secret out of me,” Max said, “maybe I will let you tempt me with some of that asparagus.”
“Be my guests,” Lucky Bucky said expansively. “Park the bodies. Dig in.”
Max and 99 scrambled for chairs, then, seated, filled their plates and began eating ravenously.
“This is delicious!” Max said. “It certainly is broadminded of you to feed us like this when you consider that we’re here to take your act away from you.”
“It’s traditional in my family,” Lucky Bucky replied. “We always see that the condemned man gets to eat good. What kind of people would we be if we sent an enemy to his death on an empty stomach?”
Max stopped eating. “Are you hinting at something?”
“I’ll tell you later,” Lucky Bucky said. “I don’t want to spoil your dinner.” He passed the platter of roast beef to Max. “Have another helping. Enjoy. I’ll tell you the truth, I’m glad you finally got here. I needed somebody intelligent to talk to. Guru Baby is a great talent, but, like all talent-he should be seen and not heard. I’ll give you an example.” He turned to Guru Optimo. “Well, Guru Baby, what do you think of the international situation these days?” he said.
Guru Optimo grinned foolishly. “What happened in that hotel in Boston, Willy?” he answered.
“See?” Lucky Bucky sighed. “That’s all the American language he knows-some lines he picked up from some movies. He understands it, but he don’t talk it.”
“That’s very interesting,” Max said. “Do you mind if I try it?”
Lucky Bucky shrugged. “Why not?”
Max spoke to Guru Optimo. “How do you like living in a castle?” he said. “I suppose it’s quite different from what you’re used to.”
Guru Optimo beamed. “We got to get these critters to Abilene ’fore they freeze to death in this blizzard,” he replied.
“Well, ask a silly question, get a silly answer,” Max said.
“I’ve been listening to silly answers like that for weeks,” Lucky Bucky said.
“I think I can help you,” Max offered. “Turn Guru Optimo over to me, and I promise I’ll take him somewhere where you won’t ever have to listen to him again.”
Lucky Bucky laughed. “I should be such a dumb-head? I’ve got the greatest act in the history of show business.” He winked at Guru Optimo. “Right, Guru Baby?”
Guru Optimo smiled. “Good dog, Lassie!” he replied.
“I’ll tell you the truth,” Lucky Bucky continued, “For the past couple of years, I should’ve been called by my real name, which is Unlucky Bucky Buckley. What-”
“Your real name is Unlucky Bucky Buckley?” Max said.
“It’s what I was born,” Lucky Bucky replied. “But when I was seven years old I won a bunny rabbit in a raffle. After that, everybody called me Lucky. Everybody, that is, except my old man. He couldn’t get used to the idea. So he kept calling me the same thing he’d always called me.”
“Unlucky?”
“Sidney.”
“Oh.”
“Like I was saying though, from now on, it’s nothing but roses. With Guru Baby as my act, I’m gonna make a comeback like nobody has never seen before. What an act!”
“It will be a little unusual,” Max agreed.
“Unusual? It’ll be smash! Who ever seen a tap dancer in a loin cloth and a towel before?”
“That’s his act?” 99 said. “A tap dancer?”
“Yeah. I’m teachin’ him. ’Course, that’s not the whole act. He’s got a little bit that he does at the end, when they call him back for an encore.”
“What’s that?” Max asked.
“He hypnotizes the audience and turns everybody into slaves.” He glowed. “Is that a smash finish or is that a smash finish?”
“Well. . it’s, uh. . novel,” Max conceded. “But suppose he doesn’t get called back for an encore?”
“Then he goes out and turns them into slaves anyway,” Lucky Bucky replied. “He’s a trouper.”
“I see. . the show must go on,” Max nodded. “I have one other question: What’s the point of turning everybody in the audience into slaves?”
“Well, I figure that with good weather and some luck with the train schedules we can play every theater in the world in about fifteen years. By then, we’ll be ready to retire. And what’ll we have to fall back on? We’ll have the whole world under our control.”
“Plus Social Security,” Max pointed out.
“Right. Nobody can’t say that Lucky Bucky Buckley don’t look out for his talent.” He turned to Guru Optimo again. “Right, Guru Baby?”
Guru Optimo beamed. “But, Mother, I don’t care if Thomas is a crazy inventor who plays around with little wires that light up, I love him,” he replied.
“Lucky Bucky Buckley, you’re mad!” 99 said fiercely.
“Why should I be mad?” he replied, surprised. “With a future like mine? I’m not mad at anybody. I’m not even mad at you. To prove it, I’ll have Guru Baby do his act for you.”
“No, thank you,” Max said. “I really don’t care much for tap dancing.”
“Then I’ll have him do his encore,” Lucky Bucky said. “It’s the best part, anyway. I’ll tell you the truth, the tap dancing is just to get the audience’s attention. To do his hypnotizing, he’s got to be looking you straight in the eye.”
“Frankly, I care less for being hypnotized than I do for tap dancing,” Max said.
“Not you-a guard.”
He faced Guru Optimo once more. “How about puttin’ a spell on one of the guards, Baby?” he said.
“Good dog, Rin Tin Tin,” Guru Optimo replied, grinning.
Lucky Bucky summoned one of the guards to the table. Then, addressing Max, he said, “What would you like him to be? Anything-you just name it.”
“A captain?”
“He don’t have the seniority. Anyway, that’s too easy.”
“A potato peeler?”
“Still too easy.”
“Then you decide,” Max said.
Lucky Bucky spoke to Guru Optimo. “Make him think he’s the 8:57 commuter train that runs between Milwaukee and Chicago,” he commanded.
Guru Optimo raised a hand. There was a sudden flash of light.
The guard raised his arms, then began skimming around the hall, roaring like a jet engine.
“That’s a commuter train?” Max said.
Lucky Bucky scowled. He called to the guard.
The guard settled in for a landing.
“What do you think you are?” Lucky Bucky said to him.
“Think?” the guard replied indignantly. “I know what I am. I’m the noon jet to London.”
Lucky Bucky sighed. “You goofed it again, kid,” he said to Guru Optimo. “Give it another try-okay?”
Once more, Guru Optimo raised his hand. Again there was a flash of light.
The guard raced to the doorway and looked out. Then he ran to a chair and peeked under it.
“Hooooldit!” Lucky Bucky bellowed. “Come back here!” he called to the guard.
The guard returned to the table.
“What are you this time?” Lucky Bucky asked.
“Not what-who,” the guard replied. “I’m Little Bo Peep.”
“I think he was looking for his sheep,” Max said.
Lucky Bucky spoke to Guru Optimo. “Make him a guard again,” he said. “I’ll tell you the truth, Guru Baby, you’re lousy on commuter trains.”
Guru’s hand went up. There was a flash of light, then the guard, a guard again, stepped back from the table.
“Now, I guess you know why I brung him to the castle,” Lucky Bucky said to Max and 99. “The act’s got a couple bugs in it.”
“Oh? I didn’t notice,” Max said. “What seems to be the trouble?”
“It don’t always work out the way it’s supposed to.”
“Well, I don’t see why that should bother you,” Max said. “As long as he can turn somebody into something else, what difference does it make what it is?”
“Yes, a jet is just as good as a commuter train,” 99 said.
“But suppose he tried to turn an audience into slaves and the people turned out to be revolutionists?” Lucky Bucky replied. “There I’d be, in control of the world, and a bunch of trouble-makin’ revolutionists tryin’ to get it away from me! Bother, bother, bother. I wouldn’t be able to sleep nights.”
“How do you plan to correct the little, uh, defect?” Max asked.
“Practice. He spends six hours a day turning people into other people-or things. We use the guards. They don’t mind. They’re actors.”
Max looked over at the guards. “Actors? They certainly act like guards.”
“They think they are,” Lucky Bucky replied. “They’re all hypnotized. I got them out here by putting an ad in the paper saying I had a job open for an actor to play the part of an actor playing the part of a guard. When they got here to apply for the job, I had Guru Baby zop ’em with his magic eye.”
“Are you sure they’re hypnotized?” 99 said. “Maybe they’re just acting.”
“No, they’re zopped, all right.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“If they were acting, they’d want their names up in lights out front.”
Max leaned back in his chair. “Well, that was a fine meal,” he said. “But-” He glanced at his watch. “-I think we better be going now. Our Chief is probably wondering where we are.”
“Max Baby,” Lucky Bucky protested. “It’s still early. You can’t go yet. I had some more entertainment planned.”
“Oh? What did you have in mind?”
“I figured I’d execute you and your friend here.”
Max’s eyes became slits. “You’re hinting again, aren’t you?”
“Then let me put it another way-a way you can understand. You’ve had your last meal, now you get your just desserts-death a la mode.”
“But that’s murder!” 99 said. She turned to Guru Optimo. “Are you going to just sit there and let him do this!”
He grinned broadly. “Good dog, Black Beauty,” he replied.
“Ah. . Black Beauty is a horse,” Max informed him.
Guru Optimo turned his smile on Max. “But, daughter, Thomas’s inventions are so impractical. Why would anybody even want a light bulb in an ice box?” he said.
“Somehow, I don’t think I’m getting through to him,” Max mused.